My Uterus, Husband and I All Agree -- No Children

[marmar]

via AlterNet:



My Uterus, Husband and I All Agree -- No Children

By Juniper , Divine Caroline. Posted March 25, 2009.

Why choose to be child free? The list of reasons is endless.



I am a woman. I have all the biological requirements to have a child. Yet, I do not have the instincts or rational desire to do so. Does that make me less of a woman to not want to have a child either by using my body, my eggs, or my money to adopt?

My parents are the only people who, when I said I didn’t want to have kids, responded with, "Sounds like a good idea." They married because I was on the way and had two more after me. They know how hard it is to raise kids, but they also love us very much. They wouldn’t change what had happened, but they wouldn’t force their want for a grandchild on me. Besides they have two already (I’m off the hook!)

How many times have I heard after saying that I don’t want children:

* "Oh, I’m sorry." Sorry for what? I’ve made a conscious choice and I’m proud to have the courage (because that’s what it takes in this society) to say no.

* "Don’t you like kids?" LOVE ’EM! They’re cute, huggable, sweet smelling, curious, and all that. I just don’t want one in my home relying on me.

* "You’ll change your mind." Isn’t it possible that as an adult, I’ve learned how to make a decision and stick to it? ...........(more)

The complete piece is at: http://www.alternet.org/reproductivejustice/133473/my_uterus%2C_husband_and_i_all_agree_--_no_children/

[billyoc]

1. "Don’t you like kids?"

No.

[marmar]

2. That would probably put a quick end to the questions.

:)

[ejpoeta]

9. sure. in moderation. LOL! there is definitely a difference between

someone else's kids and your own.... other peoples kids go home. you can give them back when they start crying. LOL!

[Dr.Phool]

24. Sure I do. As long as they're cooked right.

But, I don't think I could eat a whole one.

Actually, as a man, I made the same decision. I didn't want to rely on condoms, or a partner taking pills, so I had a vasectomy years ago.

[lazyriver]

29. I like 'em the same way I like cats...

at someone else's house where I can play with 'em, rile 'em up and then go home to peace and quiet when I get bored .

[JTFrog]

3. I don't think anyone who doesn't want kids should have em. Lose-Lose situation. n/t

[Mass]

4. What is it that people do not understand in the word "choice"?\nt

[amyrose2712]

5. I get it all the time...

I can't have children and don't want them, don't really remember ever wanting them. I think MORE people should NOT have children. But, I always get the confused reactions when I say I don't want children.

[NOW tense]

6. It is like my Wife wrote this.

It is our choice to not have kids. It is what allows her to perform at a high level in teaching. People always tell me how great life is with kids. My thoughts are always

"Life is great not having kids. Stop with the peer pressure."

[Zywiec]

7. "Sounds like a good idea."

seems rather judgmental than supportive.

If parents are saying it's a "good idea" she doesn't want to have kids, maybe they know something about her personality that makes her incapable of properly raising kids. When the other siblings announced their pregnancies, did they say "bad idea"?

Why was it a good idea for some of their kids and a bad idea for another?

Wouldn't it have been better to say something like "we support your decision"?

:shrug:

[ejpoeta]

8. i don't see anything wrong with making a conscious decison that you

don't want kids. Not EVERYONE should be a parent. I only wish more people would realize that. You can love kids and not want any yourself, also. That's what nieces and nephews are for. And your siblings will LOVE you for wanting to take them for a couple of hours. I have kids. I wanted them. And I have a sister who doesn't EVER want kids. she heard all that bs. I have five siblings. All but debbie have kids. I think she had a point that we all had enough of them. LOL!! and she definitely doesn't really like kids. well, it's not that she doesn't like kids. she is a lawyer and often works as the child advocate in court.

This idea that we as people should just be mindlessly popping out babies is ridiculous. The thing that separates us from the 'animals' is that animals reproduce on instinct. our ability to decide when and if is really what makes us different. that's why i don't understand all that bs about how you'll change your mind. well, maybe you will. but so what!!! maybe you will. but maybe you won't. having kids is a commitment. and it's better to go into it willingly. it shouldn't be a punishment, either. like some folks seem to think it should be (the ones that don't want birth control and such).

i'm glad your parents were so supportive. i know that when my sister that i was talking about heard i was pregnant when i was 26, she didn't look too happy. but then again, she has always tried to get us to not limit ourselves. marriage and kids are limiting.not that we should NEVEr get married... or have kids.... but that you're really boxing yourself in once you do.

[IdaBriggs]

10. The only line in this piece that bothers me is this one:

* "You’ll change your mind." Isn’t it possible that as an adult, I’ve learned how to make a decision and stick to it? ...........(more)

Because frankly, people *do* change their minds so often its nearly a stereotype. Part of this (I think) is a hormonal shift that happens, part of it can be lifestyle related, part of it can be something small where one partner is 'going along' waiting for the other person to change their mind, or even when someone is not being as honest with themselves as they should be, or they experience a life changing something, or get therapy and realize they don't have to be their parents so they live their own version of a rich and full life, or whatever --

My point is that there is nothing wrong with changing your mind. The problems occur because women do have a limited window, and then the choice gets taken away by nature, which most women don't seem to understand because they see celebrities having (donor egg) babies, or have relatives who had later-in-life babies.

There is nothing wrong with changing your mind; people who get defensive about it usually come across kind of silly, especially if later they *do* change their mind.

Personally, I abide by the following philosophy: any woman who gets super adamant/sanctimonious/self-righteous about *NOT* taking drugs during childbirth *before experiencing childbirth* gets the following speech -- "I support whatever you decide, and it seems like this is important to you, but remember, if you change your mind, its really not that big of a deal. Remember that *you* are in charge of this, and changing your mind is okay, too."

I'm told it helped a friend or two, when they started worrying that people would judge them for having been militantly anti-drug before 30 hours of labor changed their mind. I feel the same way about folks who change their mind about kids, too. (Altho to be fair, I've been enjoying the heck out of teasing a friend who worried that having a boy would be awful -- apparently he likes the kid now! LOL!) ON EDIT: And I think it should be same for people who 'don't' want children until they change their mind *IF* they change their mind.

Also, the person writing this post on alternet needs to understand that asking about kids is simply a way of determining if there is a shared experience in common. Personally, I am in a life stage where my two-year olds are the center of my world (as they should be at this stage of their development), and most other parents who've 'been there/done that' get it. I was just reminded today of how short the time period is, and how quickly it goes, and that I should be savoring the moment. Personally, I am savoring, but I support the choices other people make, too.

[Pool Hall Ace]

17. I don't agree with respect to the "changing your mind" thing

If someone said to me, "I can't wait to have kids," and my reply was, "you'll change your mind," I don't think it would go over well.

I believe the same would apply to any decision that was announced.

"I want to move to Florida."
"I want to go back to school."
"I want to take up salsa dancing."

Sure, they could change their minds, but why come across as a wet blanket by responding, "You'll change your mind" ?

[IdaBriggs]

30. Because when it comes to having kids (as opposed to salsa dancing)

hormones come into play, and hormones can shock the beans out of you with their power. For those who have been nailed by the power of the urge to procreate, it can be (amusing is the wrong word) an eye brow raising experience when all of a sudden, it matters, where before in your life, it didn't.

Think of pre-pubescent children. The opposite sex is 'icky' until all of a sudden the hormones kick in, and suddenly, for reasons known only to hormones, they are indispensable to one's existence. Or something like that, anyway.

While I understand it really is best for all involved to maintain a polite, courteous attitude, because there are always going to be people who DON'T change their mind, it can be challenging not to try to give someone 'fair warning' especially when it is probably one of the most important life altering decisions (either way) that one can make.

[a la izquierda]

11. Here here.

I'm 31, working on a PhD. My husband is 35. We have dogs. It's easy. Right now, we couldn't afford kids, and emotionally, they would not get the support they needed, as I'm writing a dissertation. I have many days where I do nothing but stick my nose in a book and only get up to take out the dogs, have a smoke and perhaps make my husband a bite to eat when he gets home (cooking is my release). I occasionally get irritated when I have to take the dogs out-what would I do when a baby cries in the middle of the night, and I have to look forward to 8-10 hours of writing the next day? I realize some think this is very selfish, including some in my family. Luckily, most of my family has realized that I've made a very shrewd choice.
My husband and I enjoy the freedom of doing pretty much whatever we want, whenever we want to. 95% of our friends have no kids, so our lives revolve around those who have similar freedoms. At this moment in my life, I have no desire to give that up and maybe some day I will, but now...nope.
Where I live, it is quite common to see 20 year olds with two kids. I always get curious looks when women find out my age, that I'm married and that I have no kids. First and foremost, if I do decide to have kids, I want them to have my attention and monetary support. Right now, I can't give that.

[amyrose2712]

26. I think that is the opposite of selfish.

If you are not ready to devote most of your life to a child, then don't. I don't have , don't want, and certainly could afford.

[roody]

12. What are you going to do with all that free time and money?

[frazzled]

13. Fine, but stop whining

I've had many close friends who chose not to have children. Not an issue. Completely respect it.

I've also had friends and family who chose to have children who have been equally questioned or criticized:

(1) a 53-year-old successful single woman who decided to adopt a child by herself late in life. Everyone told her she was nuts and would be in her 70s when the child graduated high school. She went ahead and eventually adopted two daughters and formed a wonderful family for herself.

(2) a friend who at 46 decided to get pregnant for the first time (her husband already had a special needs child from a former marriage). Beautiful success story, but she had to keep it secret until all was well for fear of people criticizing her choice on health grounds.

(3) my nephew and his partner who decided to adopt and no one thought the prospects were very likely; a week and a half after being listed on the registry they were called and have a beautiful healthy baby daughter, who they have had since the age of two days old.

I could go on. The point of the story is: (1) don't judge anyone's decision, whether they decide to have no children, have six children, or to have them too young or too old; (2) whatever your personal decision, you're not the only one being questioned or having eyebrows raised.

[NOW tense]

14. I see your point

I don't think it is whining though. I think it is, a respect my decision thing.

[yurbud]

15. I don't think this is a choice but a hard-wired orientation

some people just don't have the urge to procreate and like those who do, they look for the arguments that support their inclination rather than starting as a blank slate and being convinced by the evidence.

[glinda]

16. I am really glad that you brought this up

I am in my mid fifties and am childless part out of being diagnosed that it would be difficult, part out of not wanting any, part out of wanting to be responsible both economically and environmentally. I have been discriminated against for job positions because either am viewed as strange that I had no family or because they felt a family should get the job first ahead of me. I have been looked at strangely by people who have children. Outside of the fact that I realized I had been viewed as an androgynous creature or something, many children gravitate towards me and are just crazy about me. My husband has two sons that live far away and they have little to do with each other although we all get along when together. My parents have told me that they are glad that in this world and in these times they do not have to worry about their grandchildren. Even my brother and his wife have made the same decision.
Just the other night I said to my husband "Why is it that people feel that having a child changes their life in a good non-selfish way? Why aren't they like that to begin with?" Tells me a lot about society.
We have four-legged rescues instead. And no, we are not well off. It is still a struggle.

[blue cat]

18. I agree

I am a single 45 yo woman. I decided long ago that I didn't want kids, and it was the best decision I ever made.

[LuckyLib]

19. My husband and I married in mid-30's. Decided to have kids. If pregnancy wasn't to be,

we'd try adoption. If that didn't work, we'd be childless. No obsession, no medical intervention, just going with what nature (and life) worked out for us. Pregnant at 39. One child. And still had to hear folks pontificate on "only one???? You'll regret it." We simply say. We got the best, broke the mold, and are happy with life.

[vinylsolution]

20. It's the right thing to do.

Millions more people need to stop replicating themselves, creating more and more consumers.

I made the same choice over 30 years ago. I thought it was the most important thing I could do to help out our planet.

[truedelphi]

21. There is only one bad thing about somepeople not having kids

I respect the decision, and understand the decision, but often my friends who have decided to go that way are among the nicer, smarter, saner of the people I know.

Meanwhile, there are far too many people I don't care for having kids.

[Stargazer09]

22. I respect that

I always wanted to be a mom, and that's why I have a large family now. I'm happy with my choice.

Some of my friends are perfectly happy NOT having children. That was their choice, and I respect them for their choice, just as they respect me for mine. Whenever they feel the urge to spend time with kids, they'll join me on a trip to the zoo or something. Often, that's enough to remind them that they are happy with their decision! :D

Other friends are more critical. And it doesn't even matter what choice you make, because they think that their choice is the ONLY one that is correct.

I wish people were more tolerant.

[burning rain]

23. Good that you think for yourselves.

So many people have the idea that having kids will make them feel fulfilled, and it's true for many, but the advice isn't really given with the interests of the potential parents first and foremost. It's beaten into people's heads largely by parents, who want grandkids; and priests, who want more souls for Jesus (or whoever). It's also a meme in society -- largely uninterrogated.

[marmar]

28. Very true......

I'm shocked at the number of people who've gotten married or had children just because they're friends were doing it, their families were pressuring them or because of some prescribed notion of what people are supposed to do in life. Pure idiocy.

[cabluedem]

25. Thanks for joining millions of us who dont want or need any kids, including planet Earth. nt

[comtec]

27. I have no problem with adopting... except the process

If people had to go through the same process having kids as they do to adopt one...

There are a lot of good kids that need home, stable, loving, supportive homes.

They aren't getting it because people like my wife n I are scared off.

My wife's family was a foster home, they'd "rotate" kids as needed.

There was this one boy, bright, loving, smart - his "parents" had basically bought him, and put him in foster care because he was too much trouble. My in-laws wanted to adopt him. They loved him very much. he was happy, and well behaved.

but his "parents" still owned him, and said "NO!"... My mother in law, at that point, said no more! No more foster children, its jsut

I don't have infinite patience with fools, and I don't think I could handle running into a similar situation, where I have this child in my home, and heart, and then have him/her taken away from me.

I have lived through some unpleasant things, but I know that would break me.