Late Night TV zingers on Bu$h

[GreenPartyVoter]

"A new poll says that if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat President Bush by a double digit margin. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month." -- Jay Leno


President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishments in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot."

--Jay Leno


"President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'"-- Jay Leno


"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See, for President Bush it's different. His magic number is only 5. That's the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win." -- Jay Leno


"There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and was arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into The White House unlawfully since President Bush."

--David Letterman


"The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off, by roughly 2.6 million jobs.." -- Jay Leno



"In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there." -- Craig Kilborn


"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." -- Jay Leno


"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around sear! ching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots." -- David Letterman


"This week, both John Kerry was making campaign appearance
with the guys whose lives they saved in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him."
-- Conan O'Brien


"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal
budget. It has two parts: smoke and mirrors." -- Jay Leno


"Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should have been. We knew that when we elected him!" -- JayLeno


"President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're going to need are Spanish, Chinese, and Korean, because that's where the jobs went."

-- Jay Leno


"President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's drinking again."

-- David ! Letterman


"The new Prime Minister of Spain has called the war in Iraq a disaster, and plans to bring his troops home as soon as possible. In fact, President Bush is so upset at Spain that he is now threatening to close down the border between Spain and the US."

-- Jay Leno


"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. 'He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time, at an undisclosed location.' Thank God he cleared that up."

-- Jay Leno


"The White House has now released military documents they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election."

--Jay Leno

[kimchi]

1. Thanks for the compilation.

That's great!

[redqueen]

2. What happened to Jay?!

This is fantastic!

:bounce:

oops, on edit: Thanks so much for posting this! :D

[UrbScotty]

3. JAY LENO?!

Wow.

[russian33]

4. Here's a few I collected over the years...

"Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group." —David Letterman

"President George W. Bush acted just like an adult today as he arrived in Brussels and addressed a conference of NATO officials on the validity of a proposed missile shield. The pitch was met with serious skepticism since it is well known that Bush can't even prevent his own daughters from getting bombed." —Craig Kilborn

"Bush travels to Poland on Friday where Polish people are fond of making George W. Bush jokes." —Craig Kilborn

"Hundreds of protestors participated in protests outside the NATO meeting yesterday. The majority of the people were against Bush. It doesn't bother him though. The last time the majority of the people were against Bush he was elected president." —Jay Leno

"Bush was in Poland yesterday. Despite the help of several local residents, he was still unable to screw in a light bulb." John Stewart

"President Bush said today he's working on his plan to give religious groups federal money.
He says there no reason government and religion can't coexist.
After all it works so well in Iran."
-- Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden is believed to be back in charge of al-Qaeda. I guess this means their leader got back from vacation before our leader got back from vacation."
- David Letterman –

"The State Department has put together a list of gifts that President George W. Bush has received since taking office. The first gift - the election I believe."
- Jay Leno

[TA]

5. Is this the same Leno that stood behind Arnold S

during the California elections? Has he seen the light? Has crossed over from the dark side? Bush is toast.

[UTUSN]

6. Dave Said, 2 Nights Ago

"The (Mal-)administration says they will not allow terrorists to influence the Election. No, they prefer that the GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA influence the Election."

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

7. Bravo!!!!!!!!!!!

*kick*