My son just came out...any parent out there that can offer me sage advice?

[mtnester]

We love him, no change there. I have not spoken with him since he left the voice mail last night on my cell phone. What reassurances can I give him...the ones he is looking for and needs to hear from us as parents? Any guidance you can give us would be would be really welcome. He is of age (almost 24), and it seemed some other catastrophic event with another parent may have set this coming out in action. He also seemed to maybe have had a drink for courage...

What can we say to him to make sure he makes it through this part of his life OK? Of course we love him and tell him that all the time and will continue to do so.

Thanks everyone in advance for your wisdom.

[freetobegay]

1. The best thing you can do

Is give him your unconditional love.

[mtnester]

2. That is a given, It will be the first thing we tell him

n/t

[DiverDave]

41. You say

"I Love You"

No Brainer.

[Liberal Veteran]

3. As a gay person the most important thing you can tell him....

Is that you love him for who he is and you are happy that he felt he could tell you this and that as a parent you want nothing more than to your child happy and successful.

[Liberal Veteran]

4. And don't forget to tell him how proud you are of him!

And mean it!

[mtnester]

5. So everything we always tell him!

:)

[Liberal Veteran]

9. Exactly. Nothing has really changed except that....

...you now know your son feels comfortable enough to tell you something very important and for that you have every reason to be proud of him.

[Athletic Grrl]

71. That was exactly

what I was going to say.

My 38 year old brother STILL hasn't come out to our dad and never did to our mother before her death, though I'm sure she had an inkling. He is still afraid of the reception he'll get when/if he tells Dad and is also afraid he'll be disinherited (not that there's much left to divvy up between 5 kids). :-(

[soothsayer]

6. Try PFLAG (parents & friends of gays and lesbians)

http://www.pflagdc.org/support/support_you.php

[mtnester]

8. Thanks, this is a new topic in our household

and I appreciate the link

[didntvote4shrub]

24. Great books --

The Family Heart by Robb Forman Dew, the story of her family when her son came out. And if you're a religious family, I can't recommend "Stranger at the Gate" by Rev. Mel White (former speechwriter for Falwell, Robertson and others) highly enough - it's fantastic.

They're both about 15 years old or so, but moving and helpful.

[RobertDevereaux]

42. A strong second for PFLAG...

...Vicki and I are allies, having had many GLBT friends over the years. We went to our local PFLAG for several meetings. If there's a branch og PFLAG available where you live, definitely contact them!

[Booster]

44. Please express to him that you feel honored that he

felt comfortable enough with you to tell you. That's a huge thing for a gay person to do; tell the people you know will hurt the most. Some gays go through their entire life no telling their family because they just don't trust them enough to know how they will react. I suspect your son knew you wouldn't blow up and call him names, and that's a high compliment. Hell, even I'm proud of you.

[Bluebear]

7. I don't sense you need any guidance

'We love him, no change there.' says it all. The more you treat it as no big deal the better! Good for you!

[Andy_Stephenson]

10. Sounds like you already know what to say....

just make sure he knows you love him don't just tell him...show him. Coming out is hard...I was 18 when I came out...and it was the hardest thing I ever did.

May want to talk to him about safe sex as well. That is a hard subject but needs to be talked about as well.

Godspeed on your new journey.

:grouphug:

[mtnester]

14. Safe sex is safe sex...no matter your preference

and we have always talked about that. to the "Mother stop!" point.

[jdj]

18. Thanks, I was gonna say,

this might not be the time. i came out to my mom at about the same age, and she did the safe sex stuff, very gently, but it just highlighted her ignorance that there has never been a documented case of female to female transmission of HIV. It's not a "gay disease", thanks for knowing this.


I was much more at risk before I came out, as I got clean and came out about the same time, before I was running around having anonymous sex (with men) under the influence, cleaning up was the best thing I ever did for my HIV risk

[Andy_Stephenson]

23. Good!

ok now I feel better.

[mtnester]

11. I have one question though that is driving me crazy

I am weeping....is that bad of me?

[Rowdyboy]

15. My mom cried ...and I was 38 years old

She said she had known since I was three. There's nothing wrong with you. Its an emotional issue and it is harder for gays, even in todays more open atmosphere. I wish him well.

[mtnester]

17. Thanks

My tears are more for him I think...It cannot have been an easy thing for him to say, nor will living out be easy either I am thinking.

[Rowdyboy]

26. Its not easy, but no one much has an easy life...

I'm 50 and have been in a committed relationship for 15 years. It can be done. We both have had professional careers, and have an old house and a dog, so its pretty much like everyone else's life.

And, yes, even in the best situation, it is a VERY hard thing to say to your parent. Sounds like he's been raised well.

[Terran]

39. If your tears are for him,

then you're fine. You are right, it probably was hard for him, and it was probably very hard for him to keep it a secret too. But I can tell you this, as someone who came out at about the same age as your son has: he is probably feeling an elation like no other he will ever feel in his life. It's a lot like leaping off a cliff into an unknown abyss, and now he's flying without wings and the world will open up to him. Be happy for him for that. He's more truly grown up now than he was before.

It would probably help, down the road, to tell him about your tears, and give him a chance to talk about what his life was like "before". But not right away. When I came out, I was insistent that I didn't want to engage in any deep emotional discussions about the 'change' I had made, because I simply wanted to be treated the way I had always been treated. I think that's true for most gay people when they let people know for the first time; even if the altered behavior by family and friends is intended to be positive and supportive, it can still be an unwanted emphasis on the fact that something is now vastly different.

I sincerely hope this commentary is some help. Tell your son congratulations!

Dirk

[umtalal]

59. DUrs Rock!!!!! You are just awsome people. Can you imagine a freeper

being so accepting, loving and supportive? I can't. I am crying here. I am blessed to be part of the DU!!!!

[Akbar]

20. You've Had a Big Trauma

As a parent who loves your son, you, no doubt, have lots of hopes and dreams for him, and have probably imagined a certain future for him. And you've always had a pretty good idea of who he is.

Now that you know this aspect of his life, you're going to see him in a different light, and the hopes and dreams you have for him are going to change. At some level, you might feel that you've lost the son you've always known and loved, so it's bound to hurt.

Any sadness or loss that you might feel will fade with time. At least you are on the best of footing--you know that you love your son and that you have no intention of abandoning that love.

This is a tough thing for a parent to go through, and there is no shame in having whatever feelings you have.

I think that your son is very lucky.

Please take care.

[didntvote4shrub]

27. Absolutely not -

-- you've lost one idea of "how things will be," and need time to get used to a new idea -- it feels like a loss and that's normal. It doesn't mean you don't love your son or that you're ashamed; it's just a natural response to intense emotion. Don't beat yourself up over being emotional; this is a big deal, not "oh, by the way, I paid my car insurance."

[jdj]

12. Here's another link for PFLAG

http://pflag.org

on this site there is a PDF you can download called Q&A for parents of GBLT people

You need to contact him, he might interpret silence as disapproval.

Don't say "we love you anyway" that is a double message.

Godspeed.

[mtnester]

16. I left a voice mail for him as soon as the message showed up

letting him know when we would be on the cell phone and when we would be home...I will try him again later, I wonder if he could be dodging the call? His voice mail picked up on first ring.

[jdj]

22. Could be.

It doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about.

My mothers reaction initially was splendid, and my Dad's was "well we have one of everything else in this family, we might as well have one of those, too."

I laugh about that today.

But my mother underwent a religious conversion soon after I told her so she is a far right fundie now, and all of the good stuff she said initially, she doesn't feel that way anymore.

But actually, she is REALLY getting into the bible lately, last year or so, and has become a little less judgemental now that she is doing serious study, instead of just being church furniture.

[murielm99]

49. If his voice mail is picking up on the first ring, he is probably

scared. It is a huge step to tell a parent.

My daughter came out to us when she was 19. She is 24 now. Even though she knows we have always been a gay friendly family, it was very tough for her.

I have a friend in her sixties who did not tell her father until he was 87! Then he said, "Well I wondered if you were ever going to say anything."

We told our daughter we loved her unconditionally, and that we are proud that she lives her life openly.

PFLAG is a great idea. It will help you get used to things. I have to say that my husband and I did have to get used to the idea too. It is a normal reaction to having your perception of your child turned on its head.

It sounds to me like you already have a good relationship with your son. Sit down and talk with him.

[Rowdyboy]

13. Tell him how proud you are that he trusted you enough to tell you

That it changes nothing and that he should always play safe or not play at all.

You sound like excellent, supportive parents. :toast:

[Eloriel]

19. Call him immediately!!!!! Tell him you CELEBRATE who he is and

that you accept him TOTALLY and COMPLETELY exactly how he is, and ask HIM what he needs from you, what you can do. (Along with all that other lovin' stuff, of course. ;-) )

No need for a safe sex discussion at this point, esp. since you've done that.

Good luck. You'll do fine.

[mtnester]

21. Thanks, we have tried calling but the phone is picking up on first ring

will keep trying

[Eloriel]

25. Yes, I saw that after I posted. n/t

[Stephanie]

53. Just don't leave him in suspense

Leave him a supportive message so he knows what to expect when he finally calls you back.

[TahitiNut]

28. Sounds like you did a helluva good job parenting.

Being a loving human being is so much more important than petty disagreements about who we find to love.

I guess if I were in your position I might say something like, "Aw shit! I guess we can't count on some bride's parents picking up the cost of a wedding. I guess I'll have to start saving up more!"

But I have a strange sense of humor. :evilgrin:

[The Doctor.]

29. Tell him you still need to meet his boyfriends...

After all - you want to be sure he's with good people. :D

[Arugula Latte]

33. And treat his boyfriends as you would have treated his girlfriends.

And please let him know they are welcome in your house. And, if you would have permitted a girlfriend to sleep over when your son is visiting your house (if he doesn't live nearby to you and is visiting, say) then permit his boyfriends to do the same.

[MuseRider]

30. I gotta say

that you should be very proud as parents that he could come out and tell you. I know a woman whose son told me years before he told his parents. She understood him and never, ever swayed in her love for him but he just did not feel comfortable enough to tell her. Good for you and good for him. Any advice I would have has already been said above by people who know much more than I do.

[searchingforlight]

31. I haven't been through this but I have raised three boys who are now

facing 40!!! I can tell you that what they do in their bedroom doesn't interest me in the least. It's the fact that they are good people that is important.

I am sure this has been more traumatic for him than it seems to be for you. That is the great thing about a few grey hairs. Rejoice that he has found his way to his true self so early in his life. Living with a secret takes its toll on the spirit.

[mtnester]

32. You are right we want to make sure he is OK

We understand that this was the hardest thing he has ever done in his life. We have left a much more detailed voice message for him, but I will worry until I hear from him. His initial message talked about other parents not being as good and supportive as we are. I am wondering if a friend or partner came out and had a bad time of it and that is whe he came to us.

We will worry the same way we alwyas did, does not call us enough, does he have enough money, is he OK, is he safe. Same ole same ole.

[searchingforlight]

35. And you'll probably worry a little more

Unfortunately, that is another reason that we are here at this website. This administration is making war on our own children from all directions.

Also, he has to know that he will have a little greater responsibility to you to let you know that he is okay. It is not a safe world out there and there is a lot of hatred.

I lived in a large gay community several years ago and they are very supportive of one another. That will be to his benefit. I am sure they will also be very supportive of you. That was one of the things that I found so great. When the parents were accepting, the community family embraced them too.

[nostamj]

34. were you surprised?

my mother wasn't. so, it was a MUCH bigger issue in my mind that it turned out to be with either parent.

i never came out to my grandmother, but didn't have to. she once said: it doesn't matter who you love, only if you love.

she knew too.

[mtnester]

36. Yes and no

n/t

[mtnester]

37. I want to thank you all

you all came through with exactly everything I was thinking, and upi all helped me though the first hour of this. I hope to hear from him soon and will report back s soon as I do.

[underseasurveyor]

38. Nothing better than knowing one has the safe refuge of a loving home.

I tell my boys, as long as they are happy then I am happy. What more could a mom wish for her children than to be happy, comfortable, content and true to themselves.

I'm not happy with one of my boys right now but that's a whole different subject matter :grr: I want to wring his neck, but I still love him :-)

[calimary]

70. Hey, I've been there - being that angry anyway, but my kid's only 12.

But parent-to-parent, I can only send my love. That's what I'd give my boy if he came out to me. You're already there, and it does sound like you know how to handle this, beautifully.

It took a LOT of courage to reveal himself in this way, considering what some of the sentiment out there these days would appear to be. All any mom or dad could wish for his/her children would be that the children grow up happy, healthy, with great options for self-expression and achievement, and maybe a little service to their fellow human. Bless you for creating an environment where he felt safe enough bringing this up with you.

Blessings to you, AND him.

[noamnety]

40. It's not a big deal

I assume you care more that he finds someone to share his life with, and less about what body parts that someone has. You're there to share his joys and sorrows, but not the physical aspects of his sex life, so the physical details shouldn't concern you one way or another, imo.

I would call him back of course, because he's nervous about your reaction, but let acceptance and humor own the conversation. Something along the lines of "If you're trying to get me to disown you, you're going to have to come up with something much more impressive than that."

And then send some sort of indie greeting card that is full of wisdom and charm subtly related to this ... something physical he can show to his friends to brag about how cool you are. I bet if you do that, he'll keep it forever.

[UdoKier]

43. He's old enough to know who he is.

If he was a bit younger, I would encourage him to explore his feelings a while before making it "official". A lot of people experiment in their youth, but revert to the opposite sex.

At his age, however, he probably is sure, so just love him.

[wellstone dem]

45. Would that all parents were

as loving, and as looking for ways to be supportive as you.

[Name removed]

46. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[deutsey]

47. See if there is a Welcoming Unitarian Universalist Congregation near you

check on www.uua.org

A "Welcoming Congregation" is a a congregation that has voted to intentionally welcome gay, lesbian, bi, and trans-gendered individuals/couples. Most UU congregations do any way, but those that are "welcoming" are openly accepting of glbt individuals and families.

[Cronus Protagonist]

74. That's probably not a good idea

Unless he's already religious, in which case his own church would be fine.

Lick Laura's Bush - Drop Bush Not Bombs! - FUCK BUSH
http://brainbuttons.com/home.asp?stashid=13

[AP]

48. It might be sweet of you to tell him...

...that you're proud of him for having the courage to tell you, and that you love him, but then tell him that you're worried that he had to use alcohol to get up the courage to tell you.

Treat this like you're more concerned about that than you are about his sexuality.

[Dem2theMax]

50. I'm always hours late to any post around here.

You're the Mom and you're crying. Well, you've got me crying too.
I'm a straight female, single, no kids. But I've heard the horror stories from gay friends as to how they were not accepted when they came out. Reading your post, it brought me to tears of happiness that this young man, your son, found yet more love from his parents when he outed himself. Bravo to you and your husband and BRAVO to your son for his courage and his faith in you. I wish it could be this easy for everyone who chooses to come out. Maybe some day it will. :yourock:

Send your son some love from me too. Geez, I'm so darned proud of all of you and I don't even know you. :)

[Chovexani]

51. I wish you were my mom.

Seriously.

[sorrybushisfromtexas]

52. son coming out

I am not the parent but the uncle of a wonderful nephew who came out about 10 years ago. Like the others have said, love him unconditionally. My nephew was afraid of the reaction of the family.
We are all Southern Baptists (really, really, really, liberal Southern Baptists but we are members of that denomination). My father who was in his late 70's said well since others may disapprove we will just to have to love him more and more. I was really proud of Dad. My nephew and I have had numerous talks since about the fact he did not have a choice but was born with these feelings. Support him, love him, defend him, and if he wants to be open with his sexuality you be open with your friends and family. He deserves nothing less from his parent.

[Cheswick2.0]

55. Hi and Welcome to DU

I love your advice about being open with the neighbors. No one should be the family secret. I also love your father's statement about loving him more and more.

[sid dicious]

54. Just tell em that you love him...

Sometimes no need for advice. Just support.

[leesa]

56. It took alot of courage in a scary time for homosexuals. Give him all

your love and support.

[pinto]

57. thank him. the rest will follow. n/t

[umtalal]

58. He is free at last.

[walldude]

60. I've got a 10 year old boy

that I'm pretty sure is gay. Thanks for the PFLAG link folks I've been looking for something like that. Up till now I've just been making sure that he knows he's loved and that his/my home will always be a place where he can be himself. No matter what. That was all the common sense stuff I could come up with. Now I'm going to visit PFLAG...

[Stephanie]

62. Thanks for being so cool. I salute you.

Most kids don't get such an attuned parent.

Most of my friends knew at a very young age what their orientation was. It's innate.

[TriMetFan]

61. You are doing it right.

I came out to my parents my Senior year of high school (going to date myself) 1980. I thought my folks were going to have a heart attack or something, but boy was I wrong. They had a feeling since I was a Kid. I have been with my spouse now for 18 years and have two wonderful Little kids. We all take vacations together as family, but the best part they don't stop tell me how much they love me. You will do fine. Just be yourself and always let him know that you love him.:)

[mtnester]

63. Thank you all

I am proud of the DU support for our son...we left a message telling him we understand how hard this was for him and are proud that he felt confident enough in our love and support of him to tell us.

However, we are a little concerned he has not returned our calls. We are starting to get worried. Should we be concerned or give him a day? We don't think he would do anything bad, should we give him a little more space?

[Terran]

64. Does he live near you?

If he does, maybe it wouldn't hurt to invite yourself over and, if he's there, just give him a hug and a smile. If not, leave him a note. You said he sounded like he'd been drinking, right? He's probably out celebrating. Three-day weekend and all.

[mtnester]

67. About 2.5 hours away...we have decided if we do not hear from him

by morning, we will take a country drive tomorrow.

[Terran]

72. Good idea

I think you'll find him home, with a hangover. ;-)

[wolfgirl]

65. Mine came out w/in the past 3 weeks....

I hugged him, told him I loved him...always have & always will. I reminded him that what/who he is inside never changes and that no matter what I love him and he will always have a home.

The rest will come with time....Love him/hold him/love him!

[Cronus Protagonist]

66. Call him right away and tell him you love him just the way he is

And invite him over to dinner so he can tell you all about it.

Lick Laura's Bush - Drop Bush Not Bombs! - FUCK BUSH
http://brainbuttons.com/home.asp?stashid=13

[Eloriel]

68. I have to thank you, mtnester

This has turned into such a poignant, sweet, beautiful thread.

I hope you'll be able to come back and fill us in. So many of us are waiting with anticipation.

[mtnester]

69. I will..it is hard for me to imagine the pain he must have been feeling

with all of the current anti-gay sentiment in the news lately. It hurts me badly now to realize that his own government hates him. How awful.

[Eloriel]

73. I know, I know

One of my son's half-brothers (his father's 2nd family) is gay -- or, he says, bisexual which I actually doubt. (I suspect he thinks "bisexual" is more acceptable or au courant, or perhaps he's genuinely a bit confused. OR, perhaps he really is bisexual. No matter, one way or the other.) I'll call him Shawn.

My son (Jason, I'll call him) has known it for years, long before Shawn knew Jason knew. I don't remember if Shawn's mother knows, but his father (my 1st husband), definitely does NOT. I'm really glad that Shawn has Jason for morale support if and when he wants it. I hope if Shawn ever decides to come out to his father, a retired Army officer, he'll get Jason in on that little discussion.

LOL -- Jason had an interesting experience when he was still a teen which I think really helped him, though it was a little uncomfortable for him at the time.

He worked with a guy who was a good bit older (late 20s, early 30s?) who took a real liking to Jason. They became friends and spent quite a bit of time together. Miles came over to the house a few times and it was real obvious to US that he was probably gay, but we didn't say anything to Jason. When Miles invited Jason to HIS house, in Midtown (Atlanta), it pretty much clinched the deal for us. Somewhere along the line we mentioned to Jason that we thought Miles was gay -- mostly to prepare him so he wouldn't say anything insensitive or be too shocked if/when he found out otherwise. Jason, of course, ferociously and vehemently argued against that possibility.

However, on several occasions he met Miles's "roommate" (partner, really) and I don't remember the particulars, but on one occasion something happened or was said that made it obvious to Jason that Miles was, indeed, gay. I think he finally confronted Miles who for a time denied it, probably fearing he'd lose Jason's friendship. They finally resolved the whole thing, but Jason had quite a job on his hands convincing Miles that it REALLY didn't matter to him at all. They remained friends for a while, til normal life circumstances (job changes, college for Jason, the like) caused them to drift apart.

I was very proud of Jason throughout, and while I know there were parts of the experience that were uncomfortable for him while he went through them (at just age 17 or 18), I know he's a better person because of his friendship with Miles all those years ago. And I think it was wonderful that he had the chance to be friends with someone who could teach him such a valuable life lesson so early in his life. (Thank you, Miles, wherever you are!!) In fact, it just now occurs to me that that experience probably helped prepare Jason for Shawn's truth, and for dealing with it sensitively.

[stavka]

75. Tell him you love him, and watch his drinking?

I had to tell a younger friend I really hated Godfather III.

If you believe it to be true, carry on. Your son was probably far more terrified about this issue than anything else he has ever experienced.

Wisdom teeth?

Kissing nasty great aunt?

Seriously - he's the same person you knew before the phone rang - and so are you.

He's probably a lot happier, or will if you tell him you love him, and not "I still love you"

[mtnester]

76. I think if he was, it was for courage

it was more a sense he had been drinking..or had a few...than anything else...his message was clear and very coherent, just an undersense by me that he had to build his courage a little. We have never seen any indication, nor heard through the vine or from friends, that he has any problem with alcohol. He is actually somewhat of a liquor snob :)

[stavka]

78. Totally understandable....

..but tell him not be a snob, even when it comes to liquor - that is, kinda "gay"...

;)

[greekspeak]

77. Love him with all your heart

Be there for him. Gay people need to be loved and accepted by those they love. Let him live his own life, but hold him close when he needs it. Defend him and his good name against the daggars of homophobia whenever you can, but understand there will be battles he will have to fight without you. Make sure he knows he is special to you, but don't overdo it. It sounds like he has two parents who are also his allies. Bravo to you for accepting your son for who he is.

[shrike]

79. I have a few gay cousins

Some of whom are out, some of whom are not. One of the gay women was a bit too militant at the beginning; I'm not saying that will happen with you, but if it does, be patient.
The gay members of the family just want to be PART of the family. They don't want to talk about their sexuality any more than you do; they want you to treat them like a person. And if they happen to mention a new (or old) significant other, they appreciate the family members who don't freak out if they do so.

[union_maid]

80. Thank him for sharing

I that I was glad that he was able to tell me and then I'd tell him that all I wanted was for him to be doing what he wants with his life and for his relationships to be healthy and happy.

[Zan_of_Texas]

81. great thread

Only thing I can add (not today! -- later!) would be to help him figure out how to break it to other relatives and people in the family circle. There may be some that already know, some that don't.

Most people like to have some control over the waves of coming out -- when and to whom....rather than have other family members do it. But, it should be his decision, in conversation with you.

Good luck! Congratulations!

You've lost a heterosexual son (you thought) and gained a gay one. Same kid.

The extra effort to understand can give you a stronger relationship, ultimately.

[ronnykmarshall]

82. You've done all right things.

I wish my mom was that cool when I came out.

But, she's made up for it since.