I AM SICK OF BEING SICK!

[Andy_Stephenson]

I hate being poked and probed...I am sick of the fatigue and I just want to get well. Today I had the endoscopic ultrasound and I imagine the next step is surgery. I did not hear back from the doctor today so I guess I will hear from him tomorrow. I slept all freaking day and I am still fatigued. :( I hope this is all over with soon. Live or die...I just want this shit to be over.

I don't even have the energy to do the things I love to do. I want to get physical and break shit right now. Damnit! I have tried to keep a stiff upper lip but I just am not able too, after shit like today. I am sorry to be ranting...I just needed to vent a bit. Oh and lurking freepers who have been sneering at my misfortune...FUCK OFF.

Thank God I have termite and DU or I would be losing my mind right about now.

[bamademo]

1. Are you depressed?

Since the election I've been laid low. I use to be relatively happy.
Now I'm depressed and it causes me to me susceptible to illnesses.

[Andy_Stephenson]

Hell yeah

I'm depressed. And getting more so by the day.

Will...be thinking about what I asked you.

[Warpy]

11. Take advantage of the residual anesthesia

and whatever drugs are on your list and get a good night's sleep.

No, I can't tell you things are going to look any better in the morning because I have no idea what they'll look like.

Solid sleep will help you face them, though.

[Stephanie]

20. this is good advice

you need to pay attention to yourself and your sleep

[greatauntoftriplets]

22. Great advice, Warpy.

Sleep is healing.

[Andy_Stephenson]

25. That is all I do lately is

sleep...Life is passing me by and I am asleep. Termite went to lowes tonight to look around, he wanted me to go...I had to decline cause I just don't feel like walking around there...I love going with him.

;(

[greatauntoftriplets]

29. At this point, you need sleep.

And after today's procedure, you did not need to go to Lowe's and do a lot of walking and looking around.

Wish I could make all of this go away. I would if I could.

[Cheney Killed Bambi]

36. Hope you feel better soon

The one good thing about being sick is you get lots of sympathy! :-)

[Andy_Stephenson]

39. I don't want sympathy

I want to be well.

Besides you know wher to find sympathy...(Warning...Joke ahead)

Between Shit and Syphillis in the dictionary.

:)

[BamaBecky]

65. Oh...Dear....lol...lol...lol...n/t

[Swamp Rat]

2. peace brother

I know how you feel. :hug:

For me, pinching the heads off freepers is cathartic. ;)

[cry baby]

3. You are sounding like you feel more chipper than you have lately

I think it's healthy to be angry about what you are going through (and of course, at freeps). You have a lot of natural energy, it comes through in this post.

Hang in there!

[Kadie]

4. Vent all you need to.

We are all thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way.

Hope you are feeling better real soon.

Take care.

[catgirl]

5. Have you gotten any fresh air?

A little stroll should help pick your spirits up and make you feel a little better at least. I know how you feel as I have been sick a lot this winter!

[Catherine Vincent]

6. I am so sorry, Andy.

You have to be strong. We all are throwing good thoughts your way. Keep your chin up.:grouphug:

[havocmom]

7. Rant all ya want

we still love you.

Andy, were it in my power, you would be the picture of glowing health and vitality.

What is in my power is to be here to listen and to send good vibes your way everyday.

Play some music. It's not such a bad drug of choice.

Love and energy come your way from somewhere in on the Montana prairie.

edited to add: Hey,if looking down the road beyond the stuff you face now is a help, my sister's hair has grown back to where she is zipping around town without wearing wigs now. Her doctors are very pleased with her progress. She is getting kinda bitchy of late, so we KNOW she is better cuz she has the energy to get annoyed again! ;)

[Stephanie]

8. You are on the mend, sweetie!

Finally getting the attention and diagnosis you need! This is progress. Hang on, baby. You're on the mend!

[Andy_Stephenson]

9. Then why the hell am I sitting here

crying like a big ol baby. I hate being sapped of my strength steph...I feel so fucking useless. I just want all of this to be OVER! NOW! This has been going on now almost 2 months. Christ!

[Stephanie]

16. You are in the medical system now

You are not fighting against it - you are in it. They have to take care of you.

You have to remember that some of the emotional highs and lows you are going through are chemical - the illness is literally sapping your strength. You have to plow through that and take care of what you need to do.

You are at the hospital, they are doing tests, they will fix it. If you have to pay off the bills for the rest of your life it is worth it, right?

Call me I am home - but you are fine. You have treatment which you need. You are going to be fine.

[havocmom]

17. Good that you recognize part of the problem is feeling useless.

You have given the beast its name and that is a big part of the battle. Now you can conquer it too.

Useless? I caught some threads last week where you kicked some serious butt and gave lessons. Andy, you are so very important and valuable to us. Do not think you are useless just because you are not as strong as usual. Please remember, how things are today does not equal how things will be forever.

There is a task at hand which is all you need to expect of yourself right now. The task is healing Andy. There is NOTHING more important than that. Hardly useless.

Andy, the world would be such a great place if it had more like you. Rest and do what you have to so you can come back swingin'.

[greatauntoftriplets]

10. Andy, your fatigue is partly a result of the anesthesia.

It takes time to get over.

:hug: and :loveya:

[Andy_Stephenson]

14. I know...

but even w/o the happy drugs...I am fatigued.

[greatauntoftriplets]

21. And I know that too......

I wish to hell you had not been forced to wait for treatment. Pisses me off.

[whistle]

12. Sorry about your illness, I do wish you the best possible ...

...diagnosis from your doctors and a speedy recovery. I keep you my prayers and try not to lessen hope.

[VOX]

13. Hang in there, Andy. I know how bad this can be...

I had a fight with cancer a few years ago. It's demoralizing and exhausting, and dealing with the medical bureaucracy/establishment is another toxic bunch of crap altogether.

Your journey is very difficult right now -- but it will get brighter, especially if you can participate in your cure (researching the beast, zeroing in on it, educating yourself regarding treatment, etc.)

Keep up the fight, even if you feel so shitty you want to throw in the towel -- :thumbsup:

[Lizzie Borden]

15. I was diagnosed with lupus in 1976 and I'm sick...

of being sick too. I don't think many people can relate to what it's like to get pushed around by the medical system. People always assume you are available to go to more drs. and more tests etc. They never think of how that costs you (not money). Everytime you do something like that it comes oout of your hide. It's energy spent when you might better spend it doing something more psychologically helpful like enjoying a hobby or something,those things that make life worth fighting for and living.I live in a house so I can get away with this: I keep some empty jars around specifically so I can break them. I'm not kidding. Sometimes there's just nothing so satisfying as shattering some glass. You can't always keep a stiff upper lip. So go ahead and rant awhile if it helps.:hi:

[AmBlue]

18. Oh Andy....

Wish I could come bring you some of my homemade chicken soup and Florida sunshine. You are such a trooper and I so admire your energy, even though you feel like crap.... You're one amazing dude. And, damn right, you have every reason to be pissed off. Life's just not fair. If it were, I'd get to knock some freeper's lights out for you!! Better yet, you'd get to do it yourself!

Hang in there, hon. I think you're right-- surgery and feeling better is just around the corner. We're all here pulling and praying for you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{andy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Andy_Stephenson]

19. I wish I could run away from this thing

but unfortunately that is not an option. I go from room to room...I am frantic, sick, pissed off and DAMNIT I don't want the fucking burden I have. Despite what Bev has to say about others facing it with quiet dignity...I am not quiet...I am scared damnit! I am too young to die! I have too much work left to do and unfinished things left to sort out. What the hell is my mom gonna do if I die...she just lost a child. It would kill her to loose me. I am her "baby".

[MissWaverly]

28. focus on the now

right now, think of yourself as a small boat on a stormy sea, what's the first thing they do to keep from being swamped, throw everything that expendable out of the damn boat, that's why I told you to focus on right now, make yourself comfortable, watch the stupid movies-they will distract you from the pain, your subconscious the janitor who's trying to handle the equipment overload, you're overloading him man, give him a coffee break for God's sake, relax, accept the now, focus on it, forget everything else, throw it overboard, catch the wave.

[Stephanie]

30. Andy, you have to focus on the tasks at hand

Wondering how your situation might affect your mom is not your job right now.

Your only job is you. Think selfish. This is how Republicans think. They would not be in the least concerned about what anyone thought about their post. Think about you, and your needs.

Think like a Republican. Think only about yourself.

I'm not kidding Andy. Do it.

[Andy_Stephenson]

35. Yes Maam

I'll try...but I am not selfish so it will be hard.

[Stephanie]

38. Do it because I said so

You are under orders

[Eloriel]

47. Oh, for Pete's sake -- it's not selfish, it's self CARE

and if you don't do it, no one else will. No one else CAN. Period. You can get thru this.

Check your PMs for more info.

[Octafish]

23. Hey, GBnC!

You did a GREAT job on the article with Tom Flocco! That is you that helped, correct? If so, congratulations on some great work!

http://tomflocco.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=107&mode=&order=0&thold=0

If not, you're still a great guy! That's the really important truth.

[Andy_Stephenson]

27. Yeah that is me...

I provided him with the transcript from the Bonacci case.

[katinmn]

24. I hope you hear from the doc tomorrow and find out what the

next steps are.

I agree with you that sitting and waiting is the hardest.

[Andy_Stephenson]

26. The thing that worries me the most is...

he will call and say make peace with yer maker and put your affairs in order.

[MissWaverly]

31. you have enough don't start imagining bad news

you have not been told that, don't deal with issues that you don't have right now, he may say that, or he may say that with surgery you have a good chance of making it, don't play with the cards while they are still in the deck, wait until they're in your hand.

[Andy_Stephenson]

34. Your right of course...

but my mind does wander in all directions right now. I am trying to stay positive...but it is frelling hard!

Thanks MissWaverly for a slap back to reality.

[MissWaverly]

37. I only say it because I have been there

listen 2 years ago I had a really bad accident and smashed in half
my skull, they actually had to check and make sure my skull was
still attached to my head, it was that bad, and I had to tolerate
yucky Adams Family like stuff until I had my nose rebuilt, I learned
to focus on the NOW, don't let the boogeymen get you, they're out
there, they're nothing but fake WMD's, good luck, please CHILL.

[Stephanie]

43. this is a great post, Andy

listen to this


it's nothing but fake WMD's

Nobody wants to go through this but many go through this anyway -

fucking kick their ass

do not give in

fight the hardest fight you've ever fought

[greatauntoftriplets]

46. Thank you, Miss Waverly.

I am happy to know that you are all right now. What a horrible thing to happen to you.

:hug:

[MissWaverly]

61. thanks great aunt of triplets

Listen, after I was injured, I had like this dialogue with myself, the doctors inserted these probes into my head to check on things, fine needles with small cameras, they said that it wouldn't hurt that bad, and it didn't but later, it hurt like hell, it was like my body was telling me: "First, you smash up everything" Now you're giving guided tours of the place, what part about not being an a****** don't
you understand? And why is there no coffee. So I had the following little talk with myself to get through this.

First, be patient, the doctors have to do their thing.
Two, there will be no coffee until I'm over this, get over it, the cavemen didn't have coffee and they ate tigers for breakfast, also I survived junior high w/o coffee, I can do this.
Three, if I make it through this, I will crawl to the roomstore and buy new livingroom furniture for this dump. If I live through this, all the dumpy furniture, out it goes, and every time I see one of their commercials, I am going to say, Geez, will you get off my sofa.
Bribes, help a lot when going through bad experiences.

[Stephanie]

75. You are awesome!

I totally subscribe to the bribes concept. To this day I have ice cream after the dentist, just because that's what my mom gave us. It helps!

[MissWaverly]

78. Thanks just remember this when the seas get rough

you have to have something to focus on in the distance to see you through, I remember hearing a man interviewed who was on the Bataan death march, they said how did you make it, and he said that he pretended that his wife and baby were just a little bit down the road and every time he took a step he was closer to them.

[AmBlue]

41. The power of prayer is amazing, Andy....

And so many here are praying for you and sending healing thoughts and wishes. If we all could wish it so, you would be well right now.

[katinmn]

42. Then you would get a second opinion because that would be

a very foolish thing for a doc to say before you even had surgery.

You're gonna be all right, Andy.

I'm just sorry you have to go through this worry about the unknown right now. That sucks.

[all.of.me]

56. but didn't he say you caught this early and that that was good?

please don't exhaust yourself with negative thoughts, andy. i understand the stress, but do try to think positive. work with what you have, not with what you're imagining. we are all here for you!

[LeahD]

32. What an emotional rollercoaster, right?

And those of us who have never had to look serious illness in the eye, can't begin to know what you're going through....the anguish, the frustration, the anger, the feeling of isolation. Just hang in there. You have so many people in your corner, praying for you and wishing you well. If at all possible, acknowledge the rage, but then please let it go!

[MissB]

33. Andy, I do hope you feel better soon

So many people here (including me) are thinking about you every day, wondering how you are doing.

[stellanoir]

40. great healings to Andy

Feel better baby.

[DemonFighterLives]

44. Nice to see you here!

They can do miracles now days. You are on the right side (light, truth). God will watch over you bro. O8)

[roguevalley]

45. Hang in there, honey. Defiance is a good sign. You will not even

remember this eventually, when you are old and crusty and surrounded by years. Remember that.

[LiberallyInclined]

48. i have a chronic condition that went un/mis- diagnosed for over 15 years

I'm sorry for how you feel, and i've been there too- not knowing what was wrong, not knowing why i hurt so much, and feeling like i was surely going to die...
I haven't been following your ordeal- what kind of symptoms have you been feeling? how old are you?

chronic pain sucks.

bad.

[Duppers]

49. M.E. or F.M.? could be. try immunesupport.com

You sound like me when I'm having one of my episodes of M.E.

Lots of good advice and forum at www.immunesupport.com


hugs!

[Generic Other]

50. Here's a little mechanical monkey to cheer you up!

Get well Andy!!

[coffeenap]

51. Love, love, SCREAM. Love, love, SCREAM!!

We scream with you and we send you our love. D and me.

[hiley]

52. Andy it will get better

So many good thoughts and love are being sent to you all the time.
You do so much for humanity and it will come back to you !:hug:

[DARE to HOPE]

53. Laughter, love and prayer,

sunshine, hugs and hope--coconut oil, oatmeal, organic raisins--all sorts of healing things in God's green earth! All for YOU, child!

A hospital is a foreign place, with fluorescent lights, with strange hours, with white scratchy sheets...ask your doctor to look into coconut oil for the IV (some ARE doing this!)

And have a friend find you a magnet mattress for when you come home, or even for the hospital (saw a twin for $24 on EBay this week.)

No kidding--I have healed my own colon with coconut and magnets (and healthy fruits and vegetables and protein.)

The colon responds to emotions, to a stressed nervous system. Mine felt like a nerve wrapped all the way around my colon and pulled into a KNOT in the early morning hours of Nov 3. Worked hard to heal it through November--really takes your energy down. But then, January 6 in the Congress--felt like it was reinjured. And like hitting your ankle twice, it's worse the second time. So it has taken a month and a half this time. But the coconut, also with cascara sagada, an herb that relaxes the area, and close attention to avoiding anything I am allergic to, and it is almost all healed again.

Best prevention: a daily walk, the calcium series (cal/magnesium/vit D) also B vitamins, including folic acid. Work for an alkaline diet, and sleep on magnets which help your body to be more alkaline and absorb the minerals. Also, good quality protein like organic eggs, and lots of good water. Then, learn to pray, meditate, journal your feelings, realize that God will fill in where we cannot, get sensitive to the Love that the universe holds for you.

As to this surgery--they know what they are doing. It is up to you to heal what they do, though they never tell you that part. They will get rid of the obstruction, and just like President Clinton, you will heal the pain that follows. Really, all the vitamins and coconut and eggs will help you do that.

Meanwhile, God has promised to give us His Peace, whenever we call on Him. He has made you such a magnificent researcher and activist, and He knows we all count on YOU (GREAT work on Flocco--the word is getting OUT!) Our prayers are that He will give you peace, and that you will sleep deeply through the whole thing. Sleep is the solution BTW to fatigue. Every cell needs to rebuild--that takes a LOT of energy! Find a mask or a washcloth, cover your eyes, and SLEEP.

Much, much love, dear Andy. Order some chicken soup and oatmeal for tomorrow.

[in_cog_ni_to]

54. Here's a hug.

:hug: Now, get your behind to bed. ;)

Still sending positive vibes your way!

[jojo54]

55. At least you've got your sense of humor

Whatever happens, don't let the freepers take that away from you. Keep your chin up. Get better soon, DAMN IT!

[goodboy]

57. Hey Andy! Why don't you call me no more?

[donheld]

58. Aw Andy i wish there was something we could do

:hug:

[laugle]

59. Gee Andy it sounds like MENOPAUSE

Time for hormones Andy. Just thought you could use a good laugh!!!! And this too shall pass........

[DemonFighterLives]

60. Get well

:dem:

[EFerrari]

62. Try not to lose your mind, Andy. Spare ones are on back order.

The system needs some recouping time. When you get good and grouchy, it's a good thing.

Sending much love and cussedness your way,
B&D

[Vinca]

63. I know you don't want sympathy, but here's some anyway.

The worst part of some diseases is that the cure is as bad or worse than the illness. Try like hell to find something good in every day. Not to be schmaltzy, but sunshine, petting the cat, a bird outside the window . . . it can be the dumb, little things that make life worth living. I wish I was your next door neighbor so I could bring you Ben & Jerry's and tell you jokes until you peed your pants. Hang in there.

[BamaBecky]

64. Andy you are reacting to the loss of your good health,....it is

a process....sadness, depression, anger.....all normal reactions to an abnormal situation. I do hope your prognosis is good so that you can have some hope......if you do, by all means, it's important to stay positive....positive feelings & thoughts will contribute to your overall well-being....negative feelings and thoughts...subtract from you overall well-being....watch some commedy...and laugh...it's really good medicine...so is meditation & prayer....it's called pyschoneuroimmunology Dr. Herbert Benson.....Norman Cousins...check it out....good luck:hug: :loveya: :pals:

[DeepModem Mom]

66. Hi, Andy --

I don't know you; I'm just a DUer who wanted to send thoughts in your direction. I can't imagine what you are going through! I'm such a coward that I get anxiety after every routine annual check-up until the results come back. I would be a total basket case in your shoes, and probably unable to post on our beloved DU, as you are. (I was amazed at Elizabeth Edwards's brave post after her diagnosis -- that she was thinking about us, in our despair.)

I do have experience with cancer in a loved one -- a child diagnosed with leukemia some years ago, and, at that time, given a fifty/fifty chance of survival. She's now a young woman, a great character, with a successful career. Her years of treatment and uncertainty were hard. But I guess if I would give any advice based on our family experience, it would be not to let your illness define you. You're still Andy, and whenever possible be the Andy you've always been, fighting the good fight, working for truth and justice.

I might not do the same today, but we left medical matters up to the doctors. We did our times in the hospital, got sick from the chemotherapy, dealt in various ways with not having hair, etc. -- and treated it all like something we had to endure when we had to, but was apart from a life that had nothing to do with doctors and hospitals, a life that continued, as best we could manage, as before.

I do wish you the best, Andy. This community of people who care about others holds you in its heart.

[lala_rawraw]

67. Oh sweetie...

I have been sick for 9 years (from 24 years old). I hate it and I am sick of the constant bloodwork tests and so forth. You have to hang in there and try to make light of it. I make jokes, songs, etc. about my illness. I wrote an "Ode to Lupus" and a letter to Lupus to kiss my arse:) I made a silly claymation short film with little characters representing my joints all dancing around, hehe.

The other thing is, do what you are driven to do and focus on that. In my case, writing has been and will always be my driving force and the illness cannot take that from me until it fully takes me. So focus, if you can, on that which drives you.

I know it sounds trite, but giving the illness less power makes you stronger, if that makes sense. If you need to talk, please feel free to phone me again.

I hope this helps. Hang in there.

[lavendermist]

68. Has anyone heard from Andy today.....

I have been thinking about him so much today. Any update on the report from yesterday's test?

:hug: to you, Andy, if you are reading this thread.

[Andy_Stephenson]

70. No word yet from the Doc

so I am still in a holding pattern. And today I am just as tired as I was yesterday.

[MissWaverly]

71. doubt he will call in the evening

tomorrow have some one call and ask when he makes his call back to his patients, usually it's at a set time, I will pray that you hear good news tomorrow. Miss Waverly, it helps if you have an advocate,
if you have a speaker phone use it when you talk to him, also WRITE down any questions like why am I so tired all the time, so you will remember, I used to write them all down and hand them to the Doctor when he walked in the room. Miss Waverly

[Andy_Stephenson]

72. Thanks MW

I have a big list of questions for him when he calls.

[MissWaverly]

74. remember let him talk first

then bundle the questions, I used to ask like the 5 biggies,
and it might help if as soon as you go off the phone, write down
what he says, ask how you can get help between visits, (a big problem I had), can you just call and leave questions with his staff,
what should you do if you really feel ill between visits, (ER???),
should you change your diet???? Can he link you up with a social worker, (the medicine might be expensive)? Can you be treated after surgery in a clinical trial, sometimes they'll give you free treatment, if you agree to let them try a new medicine, this is usually 98% safe, the government regulates everything to death.

[Sparkle]

69. I don't know you but all I can offer is a "get well soon" and

a :hug: .

[Lydia Leftcoast]

73. Aw, Andy

The fact that you're bummed out is actually a sign of feeling better.

In the meantime, here's a :hug: from Minnesota.

[ConsAreLiars]

76. Here's a poem I turn to

GOOD DAYS COMING

Everything changes, the wheel
of the law turns without pause.

After the rain, good weather.

In the wink of an eye

The universe throws off
its muddy cloths.

For ten thousand miles
the landscape

Spreads out like
a beautiful brocade.

Gentle sunshine.
Light breezes. Smiling flowers,

Hang in the trees, amongst the
sparkling leaves,

All the birds sing at once.

Men and animals rise up reborn.

What could be more natural?

After sorrow comes happiness.



Ho Chi Minh
Poems From Prison - Translated by Kenneth Rexroth
http://www.motherbird.com/hochi.html

[lala_rawraw]

77. You will get through this...

The thing to do sometimes, if all else fails to keep you from climbing the walls is to sleep through the waiting, to make the time go by.

Freepers are soulless clones who have little to offer to this world and will be remembered, if remembered, as an nothing more than the drones that they are. Imagine looking at your kids one day and thinking what a world you help build for them. That is the face of a freeper looking at their child. So don't worry about them too much. In fact, don't worry about anyone right now. Focus my friend, on just getting through each day.

People who do not know you are wishing you well. That is how important you are to this world. Keep that in mind. Ann Coulter, if she ever became ill, would get little real and honest concern from anyone. She will get the support of her fan base, but she knows it is all based on lies, so how honest could such wishes be? Same with freepers, in fact, they are so unimportant that they are described by a blanket term, not by individual name.

I have learned from being ill to live my life from the perspective of a death bed, looking back as it were. People don't usually get a chance to really evaluate their lives until it is too late. I have seen this as a blessing in disguise because it makes Thoreau's words crystal for me:

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

In other words, go to your own "woods" and front your "demons". Many people do not get that chance, the full understanding of what it means to live until they come to die.

You are not dying, but you have the opportunity to understand what living means and to live a life that you can be proud of. That is a gift, the suffering part is the cost of that gift and that is the hardest part of it all.

This is my 2 cents, if it helps.