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DAKAR, SENEGAL, July 8 - While continuing his tour of Africa, President Bush announced today that he was appointing a special, independent investigator to aid the ongoing effort to locate the missing weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Sheriff Buford T. Justice, a resident of Houston, Texas and personal friend of the Bush family who was accompanying Mr. Bush on his African trip, was introduced today to West African leaders, and will fly on to Iraq rather than continue with the tour. When asked what he would do if he spotted deposed Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein, Sherrif Justice said that when he got "that bandit" he would "barbeque his ass in molasses."
Immediately after the press conference, Sherrif Justice was rushed to the nearest airport, where he instructed his son, who is acting as his personal aide, to "put the evidence in the plane." His son then tripped going into the plane and fell backwards onto Sherrif Justice, who in turn landed clumsily on the runway, almost crushing an aide to President John Kufuor of Ghana.
Sheriff Justice then proceeded to launch into an angry and often incoherent rant aimed chiefly towards his son, saying that he was going to "punch his momma in the mouth." He then angered President Kufuor's aide by calling him "boy" and trying to get him to help pick up the fluttering pieces of evidence.
Asked to comment, Bush's spokesman Ari Fleischer denied the very existence of Sheriff Justice, and claimed that any news reports written about him were purely politically motivated and should be considered traitorous.
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