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Some quotes from a work of genius.
Nun: Father Clippit says a good long mass. Four hours he does. Since his stroke.
Dougal: I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say there's about seventeen million of them out there.
Dougal: It's like a great big tide of jam. But jam made out of... old women.
Mrs Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father? Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so. Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father? Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant. Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well.
Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all. Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism. Dougal: Oh right.
Ted: Sheep, like all wool-bearing animals, instinctively travel north, where it's colder, and they won't be so stuffy.
Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film? Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film. Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.
Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests...
Polly Clarke: My husband. Now there was a man who really was afraid of Virginia Woolf. Ted: Why? Was she... following him or something?
Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!
Ted: The holy stone... It must be even holier than we thought. Perhaps it's something to do with that fellow who came over from England last year. He touched it - and he grew a beard! Dougal: Wow. Weird. That'd be nearly enough to upgrade it to a Class 1. Ted: Ooh, Class 1'd be very rare. That'd be bringing people back to life... time travel... cloning dinosaurs... Very rare.
I love Father Ted.
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