Over-elaborate coffee requests - A rant.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

Half-caf. Half-caf. Why can't you just have either fully caffinated coffee or de-caf. Can you make no decisions in your over-regulated life?
And what's with a no-foam latte? Is that not just actual coffee? Can you not take the tiny amount of foam that sits astride the everyday latte? Are you in some way ill?

And the guy with the quadruple-shot Venti Americano? You're going to die. Death awaits you.

And don't get me started on fookin' Chai.

[Spinzonner]

1. I think they're frustrated wine snobs

[eyesroll]

7. Hey, now...

I'm a total wine snob, but I drink regular, ordinary coffee, with perhaps a bit of cream(er, if necessary) and a packet of sugar -- like people were drinking for generations.

The thing is -- wine is wine. You order the wine. And all you order is the wine -- there could be 200 of them to choose from, but you don't have options. You can't get your wine with half the alcohol or with soy milk and chocolate sprinkles. At least I pray you can't get wine with soy milk and chocolate sprinkles.

[Spinzonner]

12. I said frustrated

Displacement.

[eyesroll]

15. Well, OK.

My dad became a fussy-coffee drinker during a very stressful kitchen remodel -- I think he thought his coffee was the only thing he could control.

[Bunny]

44. I'll pour you a glass of wine with soy milk and chocolate sprinkles!

It'll look good floating on top of your Cabernet!

[eyesroll]

56. Woo hoo!

Party at BunnyJ's!
:party:

I'll bring the Champagne -- I always thought that would go well with a shot of hazelnut syrup, steamed milk and nutmeg...

[TrogL]

58. Have you tried wine with chocolate sprinkles?

It's not that bad.

Soy milk doesn't work. The wine curdles it.

Having kids means strange things end up in your drink. I think they're retaliating for "chewable" the cod liver oil pills.

[eyesroll]

2. Blame Starbucks.

You do know that Starbucks has a big booklet that explains to customers how to order their coffee, right?

I once ordered a cup of coffee at Starbucks -- that was it, just regular coffee (I don't normally even go into Starbucks -- their coffee tastes burnt to me --but sadly, that was what the hotel had). They looked at me as though I'd sprouted another eye or something.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

5. Former Starbucks employee here. Ask me anything!

[eyesroll]

8. Well, I have heard Starbucks does pay/treat its employees well..

But why does their coffee taste burnt to maybe half the population? (And I hear from lots of people, "yeah, it's burnt, but I drink it anyway...")

[Screaming Lord Byron]

10. It's The Emperor's New Coffee.

They do treat employees well, but you have to run the risk that good friend of the founders Kenny G can visit at anytime.

[eyesroll]

11. Oh, criminy.

So that explains the soundtrack...

[Screaming Lord Byron]

16. At Starbucks School they make you learn the 'myth of the Siren'

Yes, there is a backstory for that wet chick in the signs. Oh god, yes.

[eyesroll]

21. Is it the standard Greek myth, or is it specific Starbucks lore?

Is the Starbucks woman luring me to death through drinking her coffee?

[Screaming Lord Byron]

22. Oh, no. I think they made it up.

Involved three guys on a raft on a river, IIRC.

[fudge stripe cookays]

30. Bwa ha. Funny Kenny G story....

When I helped to open our band spanking new Sound Warehouse store back in 1987, I was up at the front of the store blowing up balloons on the helium machine (and occasionally taking hits to scare the children, so I could talk funny),

one of the managers came up to me and said, "Hey fudge! You wanna come to the back for awhile and talk to Kenny?" (He was our super special guest for our grand opening!).

I said I'd rather take a superheated poker and jam it up my ass than spend an unecessary second making small talk with the man who singlehandedly created "smooth jazz."

The manager slunk away pitifully.

God I hate that guy. (actually those guys...couldn't stand either of them)

[miss_kitty]

54. Sorry Seattle has foisted much bad upon the world

Charfu*ks and kenny g (or guh, as i like to call him) are but two of them...to find them mentioned in the same thread...i am truly sorry, world, galaxy and universe

oh the burnt coffee taste and the need to put ALL small coffee purveyors operators out of business, hence the 'cute' nickname.

and i drink the darkest french roast coffee i can find. it never tastes burnt. gaaaack. if starbucks sold steak, they're all be shades of well done.

[tigereye]

37. Oi, I have a whole new level of respect for you now, Byron

it's the hushedness of the place. What's up with that? And I refuse to call small tall or whatever it is.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

40. They really think of themselves as a Coffee Church.

If you think about it, that's exactly what it is.

[tigereye]

41. that's creepy

I much prefer the independent coffee places here. We have one called the Beehive that was Pgh's first coffeehouse (decades after coffeehouses thrived elsewhere), a funky- arty-hipster hangout on our boho Southside, and Coffee Tree Roasters; just the coffee with more of a European vibe, and great coffee it is, too.

[BigMcLargehuge]

17. glad I am not the only one who notices the burnt taste

I drink mine black - no sugar... and Starbucks is just undrinkable.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

29. I usually get hot tea or iced tea....

Those are great. Black Tea Lemonade. Very Very Good.
Duckie

[Spinzonner]

14. I think they ought to have corporal punishment for misordering

They could include the penalties in the booklet.

[eyesroll]

18. There we go...

Infraction: Saying half-caf when you wanted de-caf and then cutting back through the line once you realize you're getting a buzz.

Penalty: Go to the gas station and drink their coffee.

[Spinzonner]

19. I was thinking more in the line of whipping

They could have dominatrix baristas

[eyesroll]

20. Ahh...

"You will be whipping the topping, and the barista will be whipping...."

Well, depending on the barista, they might get a lot more customers that way...

[Spinzonner]

23. You really need to say that

with the appropriate German accent

[tigereye]

38. LOL

[mondo joe]

57. There are so many ways a barista can provide punishment

There are so many ways a barista can provide punishment. Scorch the milk. Using decaf (all-caf) for the person asking for a quadruple shot americano to keep him awake.

Not that I would have ever done such a thing.

No sir, not me.

[mike_c]

3. six-shot latte with two percent milk....

Gets me through afternoon teaching labs. Yum.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

4. six-shot? OMG.

Are you OK?

[GOPisEvil]

6. Some people are just twits.

They enjoy sounding as though they know what in hell they are talking about, when in fact, they really don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

Not to say I'm not guilty of this myself (although not with coffee)...just sayin'...

[Misunderestimator]

9. I'd like a Triple Venti Soy Latte, No Foam, please

:D

[htuttle]

13. There's really only two kinds of coffee -- leaded and unleaded

All the rest of the stuff is a garnish.

[Bronco69]

26. Yep!

I say give me a good ole cup of Maxwell House anyday, and keep your ole nasty half caf 20 shot this and no foam that crap! :-)

[salvorhardin]

24. Speaking of coffee...

I try to avoid it, but on those mornings when I'm unable to caffinate myself, either due to time or inability to muster the eye-hand coordination to work the coffee maker, I get coffee from McDonald's. It's the only fast food coffee I can tolerate.

Do they put salt in it or something? Every time I drink McDonald's coffee I immediately feel the need to drink half a gallon of water.

[pansypoo53219]

25. i refuse to BUY coffee

i make my own. preferably 8 o'clock columbian. with 1/2 &1/2 and a bit of sugar, preferably raw. but iw ill take white if need be.

starbuckssucks in my book. why do people want burnt coffee?

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

27. I don't go to Starbucks

because I don't know enough about coffee and what I like in it to be able to order. And YES, I've read the 70 page booklet on how to order.

Talk about intimidating. I just want some damn coffee with some hazelnut flavor and yummy cream and sugar. Is that so hard?

I went with Mr. Moonbeam one time and he ordered for me (I didn't care): let me see if I remember, it was a Venti Toffee Nut Latte, decaff, with soy milk and blahblahblah (can't remember the rest).

My Gaud.

[eyesroll]

36. They're also piloting travel mugs

Where you can put stickers to indicate your coffee preferences. Instead of actually communicating in words, you can just hand the mug marked "venti triple raspberry soy-milk half-caf sugar-free no-foam latte" and be done with it.

On second thought, that's probably a good idea.

[ET Awful]

28. Even worse is the lousy, rotten SOB who goes to the drive-through

window at Dunkin' Donuts, orders coffee like that, a ham egg and cheese on a plain bagele, a sausage egg and cheese on a wheat bagel, a bacon and egg on a plain bagel, a dozen munchkins (no powdered) a medium hazelnut iced-coffee with two sugars but melt the sugar before you put it in the coffee, and 2 bottles of Pepsi. In the DAMNED DRIVE-THROUGH. What the hell is wrong with these people?

[tg]

31. In defense of half-caf

But only after dinner when I have a lot of driving to do. I need enough only caffeine to keep me awake until I get home, but enough coffee to keep drinking the whole way. I mix it myself at the Stop & Go, where coffee purists need not apply. -tg

[Screaming Lord Byron]

32. See, this was at 6.45 this morning.

Why half-caf then?

[rucky]

33. I'm the guy who orders the quadruple shot venti americano

yougotaproblemwiththat?!! huh?huh?huh?
:scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared:

[Screaming Lord Byron]

35. If I said no, would you believe me?

}(

[redqueen]

34. I don't even go into places that serve that stuff anymore.

That solved that problem.

On edit: IMO coffee is much tastier if you grind the beans yourself and use a french press, anyway. At least I think that's what the name of that thing is.

[The empressof all]

39. Another Coffee Snob with recommendations

Thank Goddess that I live in the Pacific Northwest! Starbucks is not my favorite. The best commercial (you can get in grocery store) is Torrefazioni (sp). Best designer coffees are Cafe D'Arte and Snohomish Coffee Roasters.

I do drink starbucks only when I am away from home. How can you Philistines live without a corner coffee drive through. It's just not civilized.

[flamingyouth]

42. Been to Seattle lately?

Listening to people order their coffee cracks me up. Me, I don't drink the stuff. I think I might be in violation of some civic code.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

43. Vancouver's as bad. We had the fifth Starbucks.

And of course, they have the two Starbucks directly across from each other on Robson.

[flamingyouth]

61. There were three briefly within one block

In my old neighborhood. And they were always busy!

[Missy Vixen]

51. Oh, boy

>Me, I don't drink the stuff. I think I might be in violation of some civic code.<

I might have an iced latte a couple of times a year, so I'm with you. I do know others, however, whose coffee ordering and consumption habits would make the purists here bang their heads on the Starbucks counter until they were unconscious. "Non-fat split shot latte, not too hot, with a sprinkle of cinnamon, please."

What I do drink, however, is chai. It's my special wintertime treat, and since I happened on the Oregon Chai sale at Costco a couple of months ago, I can just about afford it.

Julie

[flamingyouth]

62. I am a tea drinker, myself

You will also find a lot of tea drinkers here. Basically, anything to ward off the dampness and chill works wonders here! :hi:

[Screaming Lord Byron]

64. I'm a tea drinker myself.

But I'm not Sting.

[mondo joe]

53. In Seattle Winters, Coffee is Liquid Suicide Inhibitor

Recalling a Lynda Barry Seattle comic strip.

[flamingyouth]

63. LOL - I remember that one

"I'd like five pounds of Arabica"

"Would that be for here or to go?"

"For here, please." :7

[DS1]

45. I had a quad shot venti Americano once

I did almost die. :scared:

[slinkerwink]

46. *sniff* but....I LOVE chai tea...

[Screaming Lord Byron]

47. I always misorder and end up with a man in jammies beating me up.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

59. Damnit, my one funny joke of the week.

Tai-chi, chai tea, y'know.
(well, I thought it was funny (pout))

[mondo joe]

48. I won't order for my co-workers when I buy my own

I'm a strictly off-the-rack coffee buyer. Whatever I order is simple and straight forward - "One tall drip coffee" or "one double short mocha".

But I won't offer to pick up anything for my co-workers because I don't want to repeat their crazy orders -- no "low fat mocha triple shot but make it a little shorter please" or "soy latte half decaf with a little vanilla but not too much".

Many years ago I was a barista in the Pike Place Market, and i hated every one of of those god damn orders.

[miss_kitty]

60. i was a barista in Olympia in the 70's

life was much simpler then. americano, cafe au lait and cappacino...the rest of you stfu. i don't know what you're talking about...get the hell outta here.

god i gave excellent customer service!

[cmf]

49. People are so freaking picky.

(Seattlite here, so I've seen it all)

One of my friends has a penchant for being a difficult coffee consumer. I think he likes to play "stump the barista" or something. His favorite is a "tall black", which I guess is when you set up the machine with enough grinds to make a shot of espresso, but you put in enough water to fill a tall cup. What I want to know is How TF is that different than drip coffee? It can't be much different, right? The grounds are finer, but really? Gets on my nerves.

[miss_kitty]

50. no foam latte?

fuck the foam...if i want foam, i'll order a goddamn cappacino. foam showing up in gobs on the top of lattes can be directly traced to those bastards at charfu*ks.

but while we're ranting about morans and coffee...what's with calling milk 'moo?' huh? how gd stupid is that "I'll have a half caf triple vente mocha with (here it comes) SKINNY MOO, and extra chocolate."
please don't tall me these SUV driving stupes have come up with a stupid name for chocolate. i. just. could. not. stand. it.

[Missy Vixen]

55. Have you ever seen Lewis Black's standup?

>what's with calling milk 'moo?' huh?<

Lewis Black calls it "moo cow f**k milk". He also says that soy milk should be called soy juice, because he's never seen "titties" on a soy plant...

Julie

[mondo joe]

52. Worse than overly elaborate orders: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO ORDER

In my experience as bith a barista and a customer, the one thing worse than the overly elaborate order is the person who has been in line for 10 minutes and only when they reach the barista do they begin to consider what to order.

I know when I'm in line I measure each second spent waiting as if I were on the totrure rack. By the time I reach the barista, clerk or whoever I know exactly what I want and how to order it.

But there are so many people who apparently enjoy being in line so much that no amount of time there is enough. When they reach the counter they say "Oh do you want my order already?"

WELL HELLO, YOU HAVE SPENT 10 MINUTES IN A LINE AND YOU HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA WHAT YOU EVEN WANT??? IT'S STARBUCKS! NOT POTTERY BARN! THEY SELL COFFEE! HOW DO YOU WANT YOUR GOD DAMN COFFEE??????

[LastKnight]

65. coffee, black. thats all...

go into starbucks and ask for that... they will laugh... i garuntee it. its happened to me.

-LK

[Shakespeare]

66. About that goddamned foam....

Yes, there is a difference between a latte and a coffee with a little splash of cream. A latte from starbucks is the closest I can get to an approximation of cafe au lait. It's got deadly strong espresso, tempered by about half as much milk. And it's fucking good.

What is NOT FUCKING GOOD is that layer of godawful foam that they put on it. I don't want foam on my beer, and I don't want foam on my coffee.

[sus]

67. why are they putting foam on a latte??

lattes have steamed milk and cappuccino's have frothed milk.

and for the record, starbucks coffee is bitter and inferior in every way, shape, and foam.

[SOteric]

68. Bah! You wouldn't know a Yergachef if it bit you in the ascii files.

Many people chose the half-caf route to help wean themselves from a caffeine addiction. It's often more successful than going cold turkey. Once they get used to the lower level of caffeine they drop it down to no caffeine and adjust to that and Bob's your proverbial uncle.

An actual coffee does not include any steamed milk, muchless the high ratio of steamed milk that either of the latte or the cappucino does. What's stupid with a capital S is ordering a latte wet or a latte dry. A latte dry is a cappucino. Order a damned cappucino you pretentious git. A cappucino wet is a latte. But many chose to order the lattes with no foam because they don't want to pay 4 bucks for a cup half full of foam.

As for the 4 shot Americano; again I say "bah!" We're all gonna die. What kind of candyass can't take a quad? What a bunch of coffee wimps.

Of course, I'm Italian and I grew up on this stuff. They probably put a quad shot in my pablum.

[CarolynEC]

69. Picky? You don't know from picky...

I was once in line behind a guy at Dunkin Donuts who was trying to return a cup of coffee because they put Equal in it instead of Sweet-n-Low.

Argh! :D

[chimpy the poopthrower]

70. I see your point. But there are coffee snobs that go the other way too.

Some people act like drinking black coffee makes them morally superior. I agree that people ought to figure out what they want before they go up to the counter. And I'm probably one of the few people in this country who have never been inside a Starbucks. But I do like to have fun with my coffee sometimes. I like flavored coffee and whipped cream, and stuff like that. I actually didn't drink coffee for a long part of my life. I still don't understand a lot of coffee terms. :)