|
Edited on Fri Sep-03-04 11:55 AM by stopbush
New York, Sept. 3 (UBS) America's pundit class fell into lockstep admiration today as the impact of Pres. George W Bush's seemingly interminable serving of political dishwater sank in to the morass from which it was spawned.
"This is a guy that most Americans would love to have a beer with...if he still drank beer," opined Chris "Whichever Way the Wind Blows" Matthews. "How does a guy like Kerry, who actually does on occasion sit down and have a few beers with the common man, compete with that?"
Fears that Bush's ramblings would be upstaged by the ravings of Dem-for-rent Zell Miller proved to be unfounded. "Yes, Zell set the gold standard in hate speech last night," opined dumb-as-a-doorknob Peggy Noonan, "and that is a tough act to follow...but the beauty of THIS president is that he doesn't depend on hate speech to make his points. He lets his policies handle that front. And in that, he is unparalleled in American hist...oh, excuse me, I just orgasmed...again."
Similar thoughts were echoed across the political spectrum. "I think we saw a president who's not afraid of talking in broad and disingenuous platitudes for the greater good of the country," said George Stephanopolous. "Having worked for a president who actually did reduce the debt and did create millions of jobs and kept the country at relative peace for eight years, I can tell you that that's not what America wants. Bush seems to understand that American society is nothing less than a living enactment of what I call *Six Degrees of Political Kevin Bacon* - and in this instance, it's Kevin Bacon in National Lampoon's Animal House, grabbing his ankles and saying, 'thank you sir, may I have another?'"
"I thought the speech was terrible...short on specifics, long-winded, tedious, and playing only to the worst part of Bush's rabid and racist right-wing base," said David Gergen, the former White House insider who served both God-sent Republican presidents and lying-commie-pinko-scum-sex-offender Democratic presidents. Mr Gergen's analysis was cut short as he boarded a single-prop airplane for a GOP-sponsored vacation to Minnesota.
"Kerry has led a privileged life while George Bush has struggled for everything he has," remarked Tony "I Feel Bloated" Blankley. "As far we know, Bush battled his demons and won. What did Kerry do? Avoided a few bullets here and there in 'Nam...like anyone knows where 'Nam is these days. You'll notice that Kerry avoided getting killed. Sadly, that's what his whole life has been about...avoiding things. Avoiding becoming a drunk...avoiding using his upper-crust life to get out of serving in the Navy...avoiding pandering to the basest instincts of Americans. Yep, with Kerry, it's ALL about avoiding the hard choices."
"So Kerry killed some gooks," stammered Joe Scarborough. "Big deal. Let's look at the facts. Kerry killed those VC out in some God-forsaken rice paddy a million miles away from the USA. Yet, even in some backwater location, he STILL gets caught and then gets written up by the Navy for offing some anonymous river rat. Just how astute is that politically? I mean, compare Kerry's acts to, say, wasting a paramour in your effing office in the center of Main Street, USA, avoiding prosecution and any media reports of the deed...and almost instantaneously getting your own TV show. Compare Kerry's record to George Bush's record, or, more importantly, Bush's LACK of a record. Is Kerry the guy anyone wants in the WH? I don't think so."
"If I was Kerry, I'd just give up now, quit while I was ahead in the polls," blathered Chris Matthews. "Kerry may be smarter and more honest than bush, but Americans - REAL Americans - find their honesty in reality TV. They haven't trusted 'smart' politicians since Adlai Stevenson ran for the office, and they're not going to vote for a guy like Kerry whose is long on specifics and short on long-windedness. I think Americans realize that Kerry's had it easy and continues to have it easy, whereas George Bush is, like most Americans, at a disadvantage due to his decades of substance abuse. That's why Americans sympathize with Bush when he falls off a Segway but shrug their shoulders in indifference when they see Kerry wind-surfing, skiing or tossing a football. The disadvantaged just identify with this likable, down-to-earth, have-a-beer-with-'em-guy-if-he-could-have-a-beer-these-days president.
"The stakes were very high for Bush tonight...will he trip, will he fumble his words, will he piss himself, will he smirk? But he met the challenges, starting with his $11 Supercuts haircut...no $250-on-an-airplane-holding-up-everyone-at-LAX cuts for this guy...to his poignant squinting," said Matthews.
"I can see why he's unbeatable."
Copyright 2004 United Bull Shit Press
|
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
