In order to get beyond one date, what can I do?

[Deja Q]

Stop being shy and terrified of others?

Look like a well buffed porn star who lifts weights 5 hours per day?

Become extroverted?

All of the above?

What must I do to live a semblence of a normal life? I'll do it.

[LeftyMom]

1. Learn to like yourself

Until you do that, you're not ready for a relationship and people will pick up on that.

[sbj405]

2. I agree. Also, stop worrying about the second date. Enjoy the first. nt

[Deja Q]

10. Oh.

Well, I'll try not to worry... I'll revamp my personal ads too... maybe I'm giving a wrong impression.

[SeattleGirl]

3. Don't try to be someone you're not, first off.

That never works. If you're really shy, especially in one-on-one situations, have you thought of taking a class or something, where you can be around others in a non-threatening manner? That's how I met Mr. SG. I took a dance class, because I love to dance. Had a blast, and wasn't scared of being around new people because of the focus on the activity.

Also, plese check your PM in a few minutes.

[bigwillq]

4. Be yourself.

Try and be open-minded and open to new experiences. Try and be more out-going, which is sometimes hard to be.

Stay positive. Good luck. :hi:

[no name no slogan]

5. Put out?

Just kidding. You are a very charming interesting fella. I'm sure you will meet somebody compatable eventually. But there's nothing wrong with playing the odds.

And don't go into a first date with overly high expectations. That will only lead to disappointment, IMHO.

:hi:

[Robb]

6. Double yer offer

:yoiks:

I kid. You're a grand one, hang in there. :)

[Straight Shooter]

7. Stay away from self-deprecating humor. Don't put yourself down.

You do that on DU quite a bit, you cut yourself with your sharp sense of humor. If you've got any faults, let the other person find out for himself. We've all got warts, one way or another. Your battle is tougher than what many of us face, but you aren't dead, so get out there and enjoy the first date without worrying about the second or the third.

AFAIC, it's the other person who should be wondering whether you're going to give him a chance for a second date. :)

[Missy Vixen]

11. I'm the opposite

I like men who can laugh at themselves. It shows they don't take themselves so seriously. It also shows that they have a great sense of humor. The men I always couldn't walk away from were those who showed self-assurance as well. Self-assurance, not arrogance, not conceit, not narcissism. It is a hugely attractive quality. I longed to talk to the guy in question because I wanted to find out what made him tick.

Julie

[Straight Shooter]

12. It's different with HypnoToad, though.

If you'll go back and read his posts, it goes beyond laughing at himself, it leans more toward putting himself down. It may be a fine line, but since he asked, I was offering what little advice I could offer from my perspective.

Maybe after he relaxes a bit, then he can laugh at himself without the undertone of being concerned with what the other person is thinking. I guess that's the difference.

[Missy Vixen]

13. Thank you, Straight Shooter

I haven't met HypnoToad, so I have to defer to all of you on this one. :blush:

HypnoToad, everyone that's met you on this thread likes you. You seem like you have a lot to offer. I will be sending my best wishes and best thoughts that you will find someone who will see all the wonderful things in you everyone else is mentioning here.

:hug:

Julie

[Straight Shooter]

14. Ooops. Didn't mean to embarrass you.

:hi:

[Missy Vixen]

19. Not at all!

I must like the taste of shoe leather; it seems I spend a lot of time with my foot in my mouth...

:hug: :hi:

Julie

[Lydia Leftcoast]

8. I've met you only briefly, HypnoToad, and

although you're definitely not the average person, your self-image is so much worse than your actual self that I think you're selling yourself short.

Hang out with people who are interested in the same things that you are. Don't worry about what comes next. When you find the right person, everything will flow naturally. That's a sure sign that you've found the right person.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

9. Ditto.

Everybody: HypnoToad is actually pretty cute; he's got nothing to worry about there.

'Toad, just relax and ask the other person questions. Most people like to talk about themselves, and it takes the pressure off you.They will think you are a fascinating conversationalist because you let them talk.

[Deja Q]

25. I know I'm not the average person. So does everybody else.

That's why I'm a loner and a toad. I may exude a poor self-image, but I suspect you know the roots that compelled me to seek escape by internalizing. You know I am not compatible in your world.

[pitohui]

15. put out

altho there is clearly a continuum and i feel my asperger's is not so extreme as what you describe, as a teen i certainly did not converse, which could be considered shy, and i will never be extroverted, but let's face it, if you are sexually active w. enough people, someone is going to like what you have to offer no matter how whacky it might seem to the rest of the world

i also discovered that once i'd had sex w. a person, i was not really shy any more w. that person, hell, i'd seen 'em with their pants down, so the intimidation factor would be gone & i could see them more clearly and decide if i really wanted more of this person in my life

i don't think you can become extroverted but you can be more available to what is out there, don't focus so much on having a relationship, focus on whether or not they pass your audition, hee heh, i think it was easier for me because paradoxically i was not looking to be w. one person so what do you know one day i wake up and it has been 25 yrs w. the same dude, so my advice may be a little old-fashioned, take it or leave it

whatever you decide to do, play safe tho, no use getting social when it comes to disease

[Skittles]

16. my advice is don't listen to pitohui!!!

:D

[pitohui]

18. i'm thinking my advice is dated

i don't think people today are so accepting of, er, playing the field

in my day the word "slut" had been retired and we never dreamed it would come back

it was just easier for me to get to know people by getting to know them physically, i was not a talker, alas, the world moves on

i think it must be v. hard now for people who aren't light and conversational and witty to prove that they can be a lot of fun, maybe not at parties but where it counts :-)

[Skittles]

21. OK I am 48 and can not think of a day when the word SLUT was RETIRED

the double-standard is alive and well and always has been

[Deja Q]

22. I can't get that far either...

And Lord knows I would be a slut if I could. My fear (of people) prevents me from even introducing myself; and there are 3 people I'd love to revisit, if I could go back in time. To this day I kick myself.

You have no clue about how deep the loneliness is... and the social awkwardness...

Dunno why I'm still here, maybe I just know there's a good reason for me to be.

[aclog]

17. "The teacher gave me an A-...

...but I got a couple of empty nasty notes, one saying solely "Fuck off". "

I would be so fucking proud of myself if that ever happened to me

[dpbrown]

20. Dude, I met you and I think you're very likeable

Give yourself a break and don't think about whether or not anyone else thinks you're "worth it." Just meet people, have fun and hobbies, and the rest will follow.

:toast:

[El Fuego]

23. And dude, I don't see how you could have Asperger's!

People with Asperger's are supposed to have no sense of humor, and are never creative.

So that counts you out entirely. I think you are just an ordinary SHY PERSON! And that is something that can be overcome.

[Deja Q]

24. My dear fellow, I am an oxymoron. Trust me...

After all the misdiagnoses, I had this one. I've been to SUPPORT GROUPS and I've read a few books on the subject.

Trust me. The diagnosis fits me more snugly than you could possibly imagine.

Aspies often copycat others' dialogue. I do this.

Aspies look to others to judge the ambient emotion so we can mimick it. I have to do this or else end up being looked at like some sort of freak.

Aspies have a tendancy to be hyperfocused on a narrow range of interests. That's me. Amusingly, since being diagnosed, rambling about how it fits me and my life is one of the things I've been "stuck on".

Which reminds me; aspies often do not know when to change the subject. We can go on and on about that one topic, long after normal people have had enough.

I'll whip out my two favorite books and give you a thorough analysis. Trust me, it fits. And I sure as hell won't delve into my childhood to cite examples. But, trust me, it fits.

And as for what Aspies are commonly misdiagnosed as, I've got 30 acquaintances "in the field" who can instantly discredit what the quacks of the passed had diagnosed me with.

Besides, if I really was funny, I'd have been in Hollywood in a successful sitcom writing career. But even my style of humor is passe. All people want is empty gross-out comedy, thinking it's intellectual and edgy. (think "Family Guy". When it isn't relying on old 1970s commercials as a source of parody, it does farting, beastiality, genital, and pedophilia jokes. Yeah, that's witty. (not) )