Can I get some advice for a lady I know in a real bad situation?

[LeftyMom]

She's an army wife, moved across country so she and her child could be with her husband at his current duty station. He's jealous and afraid she'll cheat (they both have in the past,) so he took her name off the bank account, takes her cell phone away and leaves her alone with the child for sometimes a week at a time. He leaves her with her car but no gas or money. Their child has a health condition that makes this a very dangerous and possibly life threatening prospect.

She wants to leave but has no resources and knows nobody within a thousand miles of their home. What I need to find out and pass on to her is who she needs to talk to about getting a divorce (will a womens shelter help her if he's controlling but not violent?) and whether he can use her past infidelities and pot smoking (she quit a few weeks ago but we're not sure she'd test clean yet) against her to get custody. Is she (as I suspect) better off if she can get back to CA somehow and file for divorce and custody here? Also if there are any specific resources for military spouses, she doesn't know about them and any help you could offer would be great.

Thank you everybody, I really appreciate any advice.

[pitohui]

1. christ she needs a lawyer

get her to a lawyer not a bunch of invisible clowns on the internet, she needs a real lawyer

[LeftyMom]

4. I fucking know that.

Did you miss the part where she has no money? This is a friend of a friend who lives three thousand miles away. I barely know her, but she needs some advice and I was asked to see what I can find out.

Take your attitude problem to somebody else's thread please, I'm quite sick of it.

[Redstone]

21. Easy, LM. Easy......OK? That was sound advice. The local

womens' shelter or its allied organization may be able to give her references to an attorney who might take her case pro bono or at reduced cost.

She may want to start with her state's general "helpline." (Here in Connecticut, the phone number is 211; it may be the same there.)

Don't be so harsh on "pitohui;" her presentation might could use some work, but there's usually some wisdom in the messages.

Redstone

PS: Did I REALLY just type "might could?" I must be REALLY tired.

[Redstone]

22. Argh! Another inadvertent dupe!

I have to learn: Submit button: ONE click only. Do not double-click.

Redstone

[supernova]

2. I would start with a local women's shelter

And I'm sure there are family services on the base.

You're friend needs to find a way to start making her own money and have her own account. Btw, control freaks never stop there. It escalates.

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

3. She needs to get out of this inhumane situation. Does she have any

supportive family or friends?

[LeftyMom]

6. They're all in California

We're trying to see if somebody can wire her the money to drive out at least as far as Oklahoma, which is the closest place to her home where she actually knows anybody. If she can get there, we can get her to CA from there.

If getting to CA is a good idea for a child custody viewpoint, which is what she needs to know. He's got her scared to death he's going to take her son away and give him to his mother (he doesn't really want custody.)

[Whoa_Nelly]

17. Leaving the state with the child

could pose problems and add to money woes.

In many states it's not allowed to leave the state and take the child with the departing parent. It poses all sorts of problems that have to be addressed in the state venue. She could end up having to pay for the child to be transported back just for that reason.

If a relative can help her out financially to get a place off base while she seeks divorce, things might world out better.

From what you wrote about your friend, sounds like the guy is emotionally abusive, and defintely physically abusive or showing neglect re: the child and not allowing for his needs to be met. Perhaps the child's doctor could contribute information regarding the kid's needs jsut so she has written documentation that he is a child in medical need.

PS Residency to file for divorce in CA is one year...I think...

[SeattleGirl]

5. Here is one resource for her

http://www.dawnonline.org/

I know the military has spouse groups, but I don't know if they have any that specifially address abuse (which is exactly what he's doing to her, of course, even if he doesn't beat her).

Good luck to your friend, LM.

[Ikonoklast]

7. Is she on base?

Have her talk to a chaplain, and tell him everything. Everything.

Counseling is part of his job, and if he is worth his salt he'll be able to help her.
Also, it might not go over too good with her husband if it is found that there are grounds for abuse. Sounds like it here.

The military deals with these type situations on a daily basis. Military life is tremendously hard on families.

[LeftyMom]

8. I had to call a friend who knows her better and check

She lives off base.

[elshiva]

9. Sorry. I dunno what else to say but sorry...

:hug:

[Shine]

10. Sounds like your friend is in a shitty position. You're kind to help.

As you probably already know, family law and custody matters can vary, state to state, so if she can determine which state would make more sense for her to file in, the better for her. I used to work for a biz here in CA called The Divorce Helpline. Check their website for more info. Not free, and it's mostly for couples doing it amicably, but maybe it can give provide some assistance.
http://www.divorcehelp.com/

Good luck to your friend. :hug:

On edit: my dad is a therapist on base at Port Hueneme. I'll check with him and get back to you.

[khashka]

11. Local women's shelter

What she really needs is a good lawyer. They can help her find one - even if money is a problem.

His behaviour is really threatening - it does not bode well. She needs to get out now before it gets worse.

Khash.

[LeftyMom]

12. That's what I'm thinking

I had a situation go from him being a bit controlling of my money and time to him trying to kill me within a few months, so this worries me a great deal.

If she decides to come back out here (which I'm hoping she'll do, we can straighten out the legalities later) I'm going to try to send her a little money for gas.

[khashka]

15. Yeah money and legalities can be figured out later

The important thing is to get out. In my experience, "controlling" rarely stops there - it gets worse.

She's lucky she has a friend like you who will help her.

Khash.

[spindrifter]

13. She should have no problem contacting the base

Family Advocacy Program associated with whatever base the husband is attached to. The military has many resources for people who need help in this area. I think that it is mandatory training, at least for command level, so they can recognize what may be going on. Check the home page for their base and search for Family Advocacy Program. Do it immediately. What you describe is very troubling behavior--on her part as well as his, as the victim needs to be able to take steps to change the situation for herself and her kids.

[Ptah]

14. When I was in the USAF, 1970-1974 the were protections

for a spouse of a member of the military.

I hope she can prevail.

And I hope she makes it to a safe place.



:grouphug:

[Lady President]

16. Couple thoughts

I don't have any great advice, but here are a couple ideas...

Is there a law school in her area? They often have advocacy programs where students handle domestic cases. All the work is supervised by professors/local attorneys and is free.

Do you know the county where she lives? You could call the county Bar Association and ask for help. If there is a decent sized city close to her, they will have the names of groups that can help.

Please encourage her to stay clean. It will be weeks or months before she would have to take a test so she has time to test negative. With this type of stress it will be tough, but try to encourage her. Most states have no fault divorces making infidelities immaterial. Her husband will have ever right to have paternity tested-- it happens all the time in divorces so tell her not to fight the testing or be insulted. She would need to establish residency in CA before she could file-- forum shopping is not allowed so she'll likely have to file where she lives now. An attorney in her state will be able to easily answer all your questions.

Best of luck to her. Regardless what happens, she is lucky to have such a good friend!

[KitchenWitch]

18. Perhaps some of you can take up a collection

and get her a pay as you go cellphone...so she at least has that, in the mean time. Does she have any marketable skills so she can get a job?

[Shine]

19. I just spoke with my dad who's a civilian therapist with the Navy

He's worked with a lot of cases like your friend's. He says it sounds classically abusive and that generally the military is very INtolerant of that type of behaviour. He suggested your friend contact the base directly and speak with her hubby's commanding officer, tell him the complete truth of the situation. He also mentioned the Family Advocacy Program, which will, in turn, refer her to a Victim Advocate, who will act as a liason between the military and the courts, if necessary. She can get what's called a MPO (Military Protective Order), too, which will legally keep him from bothering her.

That's it for now. Again, good luck to her.

:hi:

[Whoa_Nelly]

23. Your dad sounds awesome

:hi:

[bridgit]

20. understanding the gravity, have her start here...

http://www.csus.edu/wrc/links whether the assumption that she is here in sac is correct or not, they we still listen to her and offer her options