Why do married/partnered people flirt?

[Deja Q]

If they're serious, just go through with it.

If it's just a game, stop it. The single and humiliated have feelings too. x(

[LaurenG]

1. Because you are so adorable

We can't help ourselves. You are so honest and open and you make people like you.:hi:

[Deja Q]

3. So was Olag Gan.

Didn't help him much, now did it? :)

[LaurenG]

7. Well I don't know about him,

Who is he?

[Deja Q]

11. Reluctant freedom fighter; jailed due to a skewed 'justice' system:

He was open and honest; upfront. Always took people at face value. Didn't expect to be misused or betrayed.

It first cost him his freedom. It later cost him his life.

[LaurenG]

12. Oh no, but I was raised to believe the good guys eventually win

That was a bad ending, how sad!

[Deja Q]

13. That's nothing. The series finale, when it aired on 21 December 1981,

caused a lot of uproar... and some suicide attempts to boot.

The show is also British. So it's bound to be more intelligently done from the get-go, even if the special effects are anything but special... :)

[Radical Activist]

2. I guess they're so busy wondering if its cheating and

convincing themselves that its harmless that they don't stop to think about how they might be leading someone on?

[Deja Q]

4. Especially when they announce in a meeting or other means that

"my _____ does..." where _____ means husband or whatever designation.

Add to that a person who ought to be used to teasing throughout his life (but not in THAT way) and you bet it's going to hurt even more.

[fleabert]

5. keep up our skills, I guess.

but I am always honest- I like to flirt, but it's not gonna go anywhere.

[xmas74]

14. I haven't seen you around in such a long time!

[fleabert]

58. It's been a crazy winter!

good to be back and able to post, I have lurked a lot more than posted lately. Gotta get back in the saddle and have some fun soon. :-)

glad to see you again too!

[Susang]

6. Because not everyone takes flirting all that serious

For many people, married, committed and single, it's just a fun way of communicating. I don't think I'm out of line in saying that most people do not find it humiliating to be flirted with.

[trof]

8. You slick talkiin', silver tongued devil.

Were you battin' your eyelashes when you said that?
Oh hell yeah, a little good natured flirting is fun.
Don't mean nuthin'.
Ain't goin' nowhere.
Not for us geezers, anyway.
;-)

[Susang]

46. Who're you callin' a geezer?

:P

[Deja Q]

9. Many does not equal all.

I take it personally. I should buy a sign, write the slogan saying "I take flirting personally", and wear it all the doo-dah-day. That way, the married folks can make the choice for themselves.

Games are for children.

[Name removed]

47. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Left Is Write]

20. Exactly.

I flirt a little bit around here, but I'm pretty sure everyone is aware I'm happily married and nothing goes beyond innocent (and rather public) flirting.

Knowing my husband occasionally reads DU, I wouldn't be doing it if I thought I shouldn't.

[RetroLounge]

10. Well, I guess I'll stop PM'ing you pictures then

:shrug:

RL

[Deja Q]

15. Only received one, but a rule must be followed or else it is worthless...

So maybe the judges well tell the feds they can't keep using a product now declared illegal! :rofl: (RIM's Blackberry product...)

[RetroLounge]

17. ...

:rofl:

:hi:

RL

[uppityperson]

16. Flirting works when everyone knows the rules, a harmless way of having fun

It is an easy way of saying you are attracted to someone without worrying about having it go further. It can be a lot of fun. However, whether single or partnered, flirting works only if the flirters know the rules, how far and what it all means. Just because I say "hi cutie" doesn't mean I want to have sex. It means I see you, and feel close enough to say something that we both know will not go further.

[petronius]

19. An essential skill when flirting is to be able to understand how the other

person is interpreting the situation. Leading people on deliberately is reprehensible, but doing so by accident is still rude.

I'm guessing that HT is objecting to people who lead on, perhaps by accident, and then use the "it's just in fun!" excuse to try and invalidate hurt feelings. Those people suck...(or don't)...

[pitohui]

18. well partly they flirt to be polite

it is not to hurt yr feelings, it is to say, "hey you're hot and i've noticed and even tho we can't do anything abt it maybe in another world things would have been different"

now it may be totally insincere and the person may not really think you're hot etc. but it isn't meant to hurt you, it's meant to acknowledge you as a sexual person and make you feel good and share a little smile

[Deja Q]

23. A valid observation. And I now found the answer to my initial question.

I have the habit of unwitting taking things too personally.

I can never understand people.

And, worst of all, I have figured out the answer to my own question; regarding the elimination of having "those feelings" at all. Given my social ineptitude, it is not possible.

[Rabrrrrrr]

21. It could be accidental - I do it constantly accidentally.

I'm one of those dreadfully shy kind of people when it comes to talking to people that I am interested in (seriously), who cannot flirt for shit when I try, because I'm too nervous. BUT, I have learned over the years, that when I am comfortable I *do* flirt, and am totally unaware of it and do it totally unintentionally with people I would otherwise have no intention of flirting with - I do this unintentional flirting with men, women, older women, married and single, even some teenagers, and never, ever, ever with any sense that I am doing it. And never, ever succesfully with anyone that I actually want to flirt with. It is, in some ways, my default state.

Which constantly pisses me off, because I would love, at some point, to figure this shit out, and get my default state to be my intentional state, and my default state to be an unflirtatious state.

Which explains why I have rarely dated in my life.

[Left Is Write]

24. You have flirted with me before.

All those Rabrrrrrrtinis and fifty-dollar words...

[Rabrrrrrr]

25. And to me, it's just conversation...

ARGH!!!

but why can't I do it when I want to?

:argh::argh::argh::argh::argh::argh::argh::argh::argh:

[Left Is Write]

26. You're a silver-tongued devil.

Doesn't every intelligent man understand the effects a good vocabulary, socio-political awareness and a quick wit have on a woman?

[redqueen]

65. I don't know... but they should. n/t

[GOPisEvil]

28. I could have written that word for word.

Sigh...

[Rabrrrrrr]

34. It's a tough life sometimes...

[LeftyMom]

22. It's fun.

:shrug:

[Skittles]

27. flirting is attention without intention

there is nothing wrong with harmless flirting

[Deja Q]

29. Define harmless.

Whacko awkward unloved folks like me who tend to take things more personally than they ought to understandably tend to take even those little things to heart.

Everybody likes to feel wanted. But some want to feel 'wanted' far more than others. Because those who really do are so deprived of what everyone else seems to take for granted...

Your harmless act may inadvertantly do more harm than you even realise. And it's not even your fault.

[Skittles]

31. everyone likes attention

but yes, I would think it is advisable to use discretion about whom you choose to flirt with....definitely

[GoddessOfGuinness]

33. Nice definition...

:yourock:

[Shine]

30. I flirt because it's fun. It's a light-hearted way to connect and it's

always harmless, in my book, because NOTHING is ever gonna come from it.
:)

[Deja Q]

32. I should have realized...

Not only will that be on my gravestone... :rofl: ...but given my social life to date, I shouldn't be surprised at how spurious the concept of flirting is. But, again, I take things too personally... which will ultimately be my folly.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

35. You need to play the "check for the ring" game.

It saves a lot of time and effort if you just try to notice if they have a wedding/engagement ring on before you start.

[raccoon]

43. But they might not wear one, due to the type of work they do,

or whatever reason.

Plus a person not wearing a ring could still be committed, for instance, living with an SO.

[Deja Q]

50. I start?! I start nothing. I react, I do not proact.

So don't pin this as if I am the guilty one here. Don't even try.

Unless you think a woman deserves rape just because she's dressed in a sexy way...

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

61. That's not what I said at all.

I said you might want to make sure she's not wearing a ring first. It'll save you a lot of hassle. Seriously, when I don't have a girlfriend, it's the first thing I do when I meet a woman.

[Redstone]

36. What makes you think we all do? I don't.

And I'm not the only one who doesn't.

Redstone

[Robeson]

37. Some don't flirt with single people, only others who are married....

...it's safer that way, 'cause both "flirters" would have too much to lose if they carried it through. Not that I would know of such things....:-)

[wildhorses]

38. puhleeze dahling...you can take a flirt outta the south

but you can't take the flirt out of a southerener...it is a mutation in our genes...same with our ability to withstand the humidity...

[Robeson]

39. Thanks wildhorses. It takes another southerner to realize......

...it's just part of our culture. I do declare....;-)

[wildhorses]

40. why honey, you know it is just passin' the time of day and

downright rude if I don't notice how big and strong you all are!!!

I sho could use some help with that silly old flat tire and you will just have to drop by cos I just made the best ole apple pie ya evah did taste


and where did ya say ya went to school? I bet ya know my cousin Billy Bob. He was the quarterback in '78...you know he married Betty Sue and they had 4 kids...

[Robeson]

42. Well, I wouldn't be a gentleman, if I didn't help a lady in....

...distress...;-)

[Puglover]

41. Hey Hypno...I didn't

realize we shared a city. Cool. I've been with my current partner for 9 years and I love the man with all my heart but heck when someone flirts with me it feels good. Makes me feel like I still might just be abit hot. I think however that it's up to me being in a monogamous relationship to make the boundaries clear which I do.

As far as you getting beyond a first date I found dating in Minneapolis to be a HUGE pain in the butt. I have some stories that I won't bore you with here. Trust me, when you find the right person (and you will) if you're anything like me you'll feel like you've been through a battle.

[bigwillq]

44. Some people are naturally flirtatious

I know I am.

[El Fuego]

45. Sometimes flirting is just mutually enjoyable

for both people. Even if a true hook up is not in the cards, it's nice to be reminded that someone thinks you are attractive and desirable.

[RevCheesehead]

48. It's pity-flirting.

I get plenty of pity-flirts, but rarely do I get the real thing.

I hear ya, Toad. :hug:

[Deja Q]

51. Maybe that's what the girl did in church all those times...

After the assult, she and her friends did nothing but scowl at me...

[SOteric]

49. Often flirting is not conducted with any actual intention.

You know, kind of like the way that most people who ask "How're you doin'?" don't really want a run down on your last visit to the doctor and your emotional state in the last 24 hours.

[ScreamingMeemie]

52. They don't?

Damn. That's what I've been doing wrong all this time....


***It was GREAT talking to you yesterday! :) :hug:

[SOteric]

53. *LOL*

It was Great talking with you, too! :hug: :bounce:

[Heidi]

54. Could you be a little more judgmental?

We each are responsible not only for our actions, but our _reactions_ as well. Just sayin'.

[Deja Q]

55. You're right. The next time I get assaulted, I'll blame it on me instead.

[Heidi]

56. What bullshit. This thread isn't about assault. It's about flirting.

I like you, HypnoToad, but that was over the top.

[Deja Q]

57. No, you were talking about REACTIONS.

People who flirt are makin' some huge assumptions, particularly on how the recipient perceives them. If the person doing the flirting is married, they might be making some big miscommunications - and not all married people wear their rings 24/7/365.

The civil thing is, if you're partnered or not interested, don't flirt. It ends the problem right there and then - because no problem is made. :think: Especially with my coworker, who must have recently figured it out that I may have taken her flirts too seriously and has finally made mentions to the hubby. (I never saw a ring and, BTW, some people do commit infidelity... flirting being a sign that they're interested.)

Still, it's your society. As a person who's never fit in, I can only observe.

[Susang]

59. But you're not just observing

Are you? Observers don't usually make so many presumptions about what people should and should not do.

You seem to be angry that you misunderstood her flirting and are blaming her for it. Are you not capable of making a mistake, does it have to be all her fault?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

60. hypno people flirt. its not a sin or an obligation to deliver.

if that bothers you...maybe you should ask a person who is flirting with you right from the get go what their relationship status is.

[Bridget Burke]

62. Because they aren't dead yet?

This single woman can recognize harmless flirtation. That is, if I know there's a previous commitment & it's all in good fun.

I much prefer flirtation to the tear-stained complaint about the Wife Who Doesn't Understand Me.

[realisticphish]

63. It's not always voluntary

i know a LOT of people, mostly women, who just flirt. It's what they do, how they interact with people. Until you know that it can be VERY confusing

[supernova]

64. Well, as someone who isn't a good flirter

I sometimes have trouble distinguishing people's intent if they flirt with me.

So, most of the time I prefer to come off like a librarian until I can suss out exactly where the person is coming from.

[Lochloosa]

66. As Bill Clinton said

"For the worst reason, because I could"

[Oeditpus Rex]

67. I hear what HypnoToad's saying

because I've been burned. We all have, I imagine.

I was burned on this board awhile back. But once I got the hatin' out of my system, I realized it wasn't her being a tease, it was my stupid receptors being all out of whack again.

Unless I misunderstand, the OP postulates that flirting is necessarily the inroad to bumpin' uglies. NOT true! The goal of flirting is... flirting.

Hypno, I got yer back. But you've gotta de-tune your antennae, dude.

Would that it were that simple.

[Deja Q]

70. Thank you. And your intuition is correct.

Not just de-tuning my antannae, which I'll admit is out of whack... but the core problem OF being burned. That's precisely what happens. Again and again. I've got my problems, always have and will, but I'm best left alone without the temptation that somebody may really like me. It hurts to be burned. Especially from what I've been through in your society...

[Dangerously Amused]

77. Oops.

[dpbrown]

79. LOL!

Tease


:spank:

[Benfea]

68. I'm single at the moment, but I've been in trouble for this before and...

…the honest truth is that I'm so socially inept that I don't know when I am or am not doing it.

When I want to flirt with a girl, I get absolutely nowhere (years later: "That was supposed to be flirting? I thought you just wanted to be friends"). When I'm just trying to be friendly and polite, people think I'm flirting (made obvious by the fact that she suddenly starts mentioning her boyfriend every other sentence).

If and when I do get married, I have a funny feeling I'm going to be in trouble a lot. :(

[TimeChaser]

69. Some people have different ideas of what flirting is

Hell, there was this one guy thought I was hitting on him and all I did was say 'good luck' for a competition ><

[enigami]

71. Flirting is the human condition

so is jealousy

[Deja Q]

72. And envy.

I've felt so many of the bad parts of human experience... with luck I'll get more of the flip-side before I die.

[enigami]

73. toughen up dude

they can't stand it when they can't get to you

[Deja Q]

74. Nix the intimidation... LOL, you know how many drugs I've tried?

Eh,LEGAL ONES. :D I've fried parts of my brain like an egg by the pharma companies just so I could be less anxious and more sociable. None has worked. Partly because I've Asperger's; it's not all due to the ambient environment I suffered through as a child.

That's what people don't understand. I am untouchable. Literally. They can't get close because I am so different and do you know how often I go to tears because I can't fit in anywhere, do you?

I want them to get to me. But it never works. Because I'm me.

I've always been technical oriented.

[RPM]

75. to make sure we still have it

i still do ;)

[In_The_Wind]

76. Flirting just comes naturally.

I don't lead people on or play mind games.

[The Straight Story]

78. I'm married...what are you doing later :) (nt)

[hunter]

80. Goodness. I learned how to flirt from married/partnered people!

I had no expectations my relationships would ever go anywhere, so I think I was percieved as a very safe person to flirt with. I had several married/partnered professors, bosses and coworkers who flirted with me and I never assumed they were hitting on me, but if they really were, it simply didn't matter. I wasn't about to have an affair with any of them.

Apparently I was a great guy to take out to lunch or to have along at a scientific camp. I think a lot of times I was used as some sort of emotional bodyguard. If any woman I was with started to get some unwanted attention, she could simply flirt with me or say something intimate, and that would confuse the unwelcome intruder and he would back off.

"Can you bring me my clothes, hon, I left them hanging on that tree... (Man, I really do miss fieldwork!)

Maybe I simply never recognized any humiliating sort of flirting. I do tend to miss a lot in social interactions.

Anyways, about ten years after I graduated from high school I met my wife, and by then I knew a little bit about flirting because I'd learned from masters.

My parents flirt too.