my husband is going to a wedding in new york. it's his niece.

[catmother]

it's gonna be a fancy affair. he's flying from phoenix to go. what is the proper amount of money for a gift? he wants to give $1,000 -- i think that's nuts -- i say $500 and even that's alot. we're not familiar with attending things like this -- oh and i'm not going -- just him. some advice?????

[Nikia]

1. I suppose that it depends on a lot of things

Like your economic situation, his relationship with his niece, and the level of gift that other people are likely to give. For some people, $1,000 would be appropriate. For others, a $30 corning ware set would be appropriate.

[catmother]

2. we're not rich, but we're comfortable. our income is about

$150,000 a year.

[Nikia]

3. Another question: Does he have many nieces and nephews?

Sometimes siblings and cousins compare gifts and it is best to treat them somewhat equally in gift giving. If he only has one or a few nieces and nephews, this gift giving might be affordable. If he has 20 nieces and nephews, he might want to consider that he might have to give all of them this amount of money in the near future.
You make a lot more money than I do. I would say that people around here, a relatively low cost area of the country, would be in the position to give that amount if they didn't have to give it often.

[catmother]

9. just her 2 sisters (twins). no other nieces or nephews. nt

[La Lioness Priyanka]

10. then i think you should let him do what he feels right about his niece

i would get very pissed off if my spouse objected to how much i spent on my family especially if our own lifestyle wasnt threatened

[catmother]

13. it won't threaten our lifestyle. but i don't think her own father will

be giving that much.

on edit: you're right. i wouldn't want him to tell me what to give if it were my family.

[Shine]

4. I say give whatever you feel most comfortable with.

the more interesting question to me is: Why aren't YOU going, too? :shrug: Sounds like a fun, romantic getaway to me.

[catmother]

6. i have chronic fatigue syndrome and a trip that far might send me

to bed for a few days. also i don't have any winter clothes. i'm in phoenix so my clothes are lightweight and casual and my shoes are birkenstocks. and i hate weddings -- so does my husband -- but he feels he must go. his sister would throw a fit if he didn't. she understands my situation.

romantic getaway: he's staying at his sisters. they have 1 bathroom except for a half bath off the master bedroom. and there's nothing romantic about new york. lived there almost my whole life. have not been back since i moved here over 16 years ago.

[Shine]

11. Oh, sorry about that. Personally, I LOVE weddings, all types of them.

I'm always so inspired and uplifted to bear witness to Love.

:hi:

[catmother]

14. i didn't have a wedding either time. this is 2nd marriage for both

of us. neither did my 2 sisters. i don't like anything like that -- it's funny -- even when i was a little girl i never dreamed of being a bride like most little girls do. didn't dream about being a mother either. i know -- i'm weird -- i've just lived my entire life "outside the box".

[Shine]

15. I don't think you're weird. Believe me, I'm all about "outside the box"

but I do think it's very important to recognize and mark Life's transitions in a symbolic way. In today's fast-moving culture, we have, imo, lost the value that comes from honoring the changes and shifts Life brings.

To me it's not so much about buying into whatever a "good wedding/bride" looks like as it is about honoring the deep soul change that comes about from commiting oneself to another person. Do you know what I mean?

I'm very much into ceremony and ritual b/c it's about honoring the Sacred in our lives, in whatever way that manifests for us.

Simple can still be deep.

:)

[catmother]

16. ours was very simple. we both had divorces that were not

recognized in new york. we drove down to maryland -- took out the license -- 2 days later drove back and were married -- no witnesses. on the way home we stopped at a howard johnson's on the jersey turnpike and i still remember -- i ate stuffed peppers. and my wedding outfit was suede hotpants and black boots -- it was 1971 -- remember hot pants? well my point is we've been together for 35 years through thick and thin. so i know what commitment is. actually i wish more people felt the way i do. i think people run and get divorced to quickly today. they don't try to work things out.

[Shine]

17. I LOVE that you remember what you ate and wore. That's so great!

congrats on 35 yrs, too. In this day and age, that's definitely something to be proud of, catmother. :thumbsup: I've got 12 yrs married to my man, which is double the time my own parents were married, actually.

In general, I agree with you about divorce, in terms of people giving up too early, but I also think they can serve their purpose, too, in terms of providing inner growth. I would not be the same person I am today, had my parents stayed married. Although it was painful at the time, I am grateful for the lessons I have learned.

The bottom line is, I try to take the perspective that ALL my life's experiences have something to be learned from....even if they are viewed as "negative" at the time. Easier said, than done, sometimes. heheh.

Back to the idea of honoring where ever we're at through ritual/ceremony, I had the honor of participating in a "letting go" ceremony a friend had, who was going through a divorce. She invited people to bring something symbolic, that represented new life and fresh beginnings and to speak a spoken blessing of the heart. It was a empowered way for her to claim her new status as a single woman and move on in her life, with intention and grace. O8)

[catmother]

22. thank you. my parents divorced when i was 14 -- back then it

was uncommon and very hard on my mother who was a catholic. but like you it was a learning experience for me. i feel like you do -- even though sometimes things seem negative, if you use it as a learning experience -- it makes you a better person. i've made some mistakes in my life -- but i don't regret them -- because they've made me into the person i am today.

funny about the letting "go ceremony". i didn't have a wedding with my first husband so when we got divorced i suggested having a divorce ceremony. i said "the invitations could read -- you are cordially invited to the divorce of _______" he thought i was nuts. it sure would have been different.

that's a wonderful story about your friend and i'm sure it helped.

[Shine]

25. I think the invites to the divorce are a great idea.

I guess your ex didn't realize how "outside of the box" you really are, huh? :hug:

Good for you for moving on in such a positive way, anyway. Life and learn.....

:hi:

[catmother]

26. that was one of the reasons we split up because i was "outside

the box". :toast:

[Shine]

30. well, there ya go! onward and upward, gf.

:hug:

[Midlodemocrat]

5. I think $1,000 is nice, especially if there aren't a ton of nieces

and nephews.

[catmother]

8. just 2 more girls -- twins from the same family.

[Lars39]

7. That's a pretty high percentage of your total income, counting air fare.

[catmother]

12. that's my feeling. it's airfare -- he had to buy a suit -- dresses

casual for work here in phoenix. i told him that if he didn't go to the wedding i thought $1,000 would be appropriate because he would be giving her what he saved on airfare, etc.

[RetroLounge]

18. I hope there's no snakes on the plane!

RL

[catmother]

20. i'm sorry i didn't get the meaning of that -- snakes on the plane??

[RetroLounge]

28. See here

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x4690506

RL

[catmother]

29. thank you. nt

:)

[RetroLounge]

19. Dupe

RL

[enigami]

21. I'd go if I were you

I'ts New York, 1,000.00 is cab fare...Yes it's nuts.... You need to go. It's worth the price of admission. You will appreciate home when you get there and never have to say " I've not seen New York"

[catmother]

23. you didn't see my earlier post. i lived in new york for 48 years

of my life. i have never been back nor do i intend to. i'm thankful every day that i'm in phoenix except in the summer when it's 120. lol

[enigami]

24. Oh

well I dont blame you. Me either. If your husband dosnt come back, ley me know !!

[catmother]

27. whenever he's away he can't wait to get back. sometimes his

job requires him to travel. right now he's working in town and even if he gets stuck in a traffic jam he says "at least i'll be sleeping in my own bed". lol

this is especially so when you live here in phoenix. today was about 78 degrees and it's going to go up to 81 on sunday. i just hope he has decent weather in new york.

[Left Is Write]

31. My own parents didn't spend that much on a wedding gift...

But I suppose it depends on several factors: what you can afford, what is the norm among your family/circle, and what you feel comfortable with.

Do they have a registry? Maybe you can select an item or two from the registry and have them sent instead of dealing with the issue of a cash amount.