Anger

[GirlinContempt]

Poll question: Anger

When you are upset with someone who you consider a friend, or have considered a friend, how do you deal with it?
If you feel that you have been wronged by this person, what do you do about it?

Have you ever been so mad that you refused to speak with the person about it?

Personally, no matter how mad I am, I will always talk to the person in question. Even if it solves nothing, even if I think they're lying. I think it's very unfair to be furious with someone, or cut them out of your life, without even giving them the chance to defend themselves or say anything. Sure, sometimes you have to wait and calm down before you can deal with it, but sometimes waiting makes things worse.

So, what do you do? I'd love to hear explanations for all choices.

[Beware the Beast Man]

1. Break out the bludgeoning shovel.

Just kidding. I usually try to talk it out with the other person. Sometimes wires get crossed.

[GirlinContempt]

5. Wires often get crossed

And it can be much worse in a large group of people where everyone talks to everyone else about everything all the time. It's made even worse when something upsets you and you don't immediately say anything because it's 'not a big deal'. Why wait until it is? Just say something small, get it out there, so you don't have to be upset five or six times until you explode.

[Beware the Beast Man]

25. I totally agree.

My biggest peeve is with those who store it away every time they get upset over something, then lay everything on you when the straw finally breaks their back.

[GirlinContempt]

33. Absolutely.

[ET Awful]

2. I don't have any friends.

:P

If I did, I'd give them a reasonable amount of time to come to their senses, then I'd report them to DHS.

:P

[GirlinContempt]

6. lol

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. The only ethical thing - talk to them about it.

It's the height of self-absorbed assholeness to get all smug and say "Fuck it, I'm never talking to them again".

Unless they did something blatantly obviously insulting and mean, it's ESSENTIAL to confront them about it, and not in a bitchy/asshole way, either. But to say to the person how you feel about their words/behavior. One needs always to clarify that insult was intentional before taking insult. In my many years of experience, I have learned that more often than not, no offense was meant - it was only shitty word choice, lack of clarity, or the person having a bad day.

[GirlinContempt]

7. I think even if they DID do something you consider

blatantly obviously insulting and mean, you should confront them. I guess it depends on the situation. say you heard from a few people that your friend was going around telling people "Rabrrr is a giant asshole and he kicked my dog", that would be insulting and mean. But, you should still approach the friend and say "Did you say that about me? I'm angry." Even if you don't believe what they say, they should at least be afforded the chance for denial or explanation.

[Rabrrrrrr]

12. But your example is not obvious. It's hearsay.

I mean like the truly obvious, the kind where you don't have to say "I *think* that was insulting, I *know* that was meant to be mean", like if they throw knives at you and say they hate you and set your car on fire and max out your credit cards and mail you your parents heads.

Which kind of obvious offense is, of course, (recognizing that my example is ridiculous in its extremism) incredibly rare.

[GirlinContempt]

16. Yeah I get your point

But some people think hearsay is enough when what they're hearing is really really bad.

[Rabrrrrrr]

19. You are correct, of course. But that's because the majority of people

are really just too fucking stupid, who shouldn't be allowed to vote or take part in public, but sadly, that kind of just world will never exist so we're stuck with the fucknobs.

[GirlinContempt]

21. Sometimes I think it's not about stupidity

but about letting your emotions take over. I know some very bright people who do this. Hell, I've done it and I don't think I'm a fucknob. Though, sometimes the hypocrisy can be STUNNING.
"You're saying things behind my back that are hurtful and untrue, so I won't talk to you and I'll believe everything everyone else tells me, and talk about how awful you are to people without ever mentioning anything to you" Er....?

[Rabrrrrrr]

40. Let me expand my initial thought, then --

you are right to point out it its not just intelligence-related stupidity.

I'd say that America is plagued by a huge population of people who are intellectually, wisdomly (I just made that word up), emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically ignorant, unevolved, and just plain dumb. We have a population in which a huge segment seems to live solely at the base of the brain stem, for whom mature and sensible social interaction is impossible, and we have created a culture which does not reward mature interactions but instead applauds and makes heroes out of the unevolved.

Probably why we have so many idiots who refuse to believe in evolution, because they're still using their brains as did our neanderthal ancestors, living not in the cognitive area but in the instinctual-animal area.

And sure, we all make bozo mistakes - I've made a few. But I hazard to guess that a significant majority of Americans are too fucking dumb to have the mistakes be a rarity, as opposed to the norm.

[LeftyMom]

4. If somebody's hurt me I'll back up a bit and give them time to explain

I'm not really one to confront somebody unless they're done something really awful.

If I've hurt someone I do my best to apologize and explain my actions as soon as I realize there's a problem.

[GirlinContempt]

9. Maybe confront is too strong a word.

If you & I had plans to hang out, and you ditched me and didn't even call to say you couldn't make it, that isn't horrible per se, but it would be upsetting. The next time I talked to you I would probably say "That bugged me when you did that, please don't do it again". Not really a confrontation, just dealing with the upset before it gets worse, letting the person know you don't like it so they won't do it again.

The worst is when you find out you've hurt someone and they won't listen to you :\

[LeftyMom]

14. With a casual friend I probably wouldn't say anything in that situation

Come to think of it, I can only think of five people I trust well enough to tell them when I'm upset with them and why and two are blood relations.

[Redstone]

8. Tell 'em to go fuck themselves, then go on to the next thing.

Life's too short to dwell.

Redstone

[GirlinContempt]

11. That's....

an interesting perspective.
I'd have to disagree

[Redstone]

15. OK for you to disagree, of course. I tend to lean toward efficiency,

and not everybody does.

Redstone

[auntAgonist]

10. because I hate confrontation ..

I usually will just walk away and say nothing. I get walked on, but hey .. I don't fight back. UNLESS it is to defend my child (when he was a child, then look out).

If I've hurt someone, somehow, I will ask the person injured how I've hurt them and then ask forgiveness. I wouldn't intentionally treat someone in bad way.

[GirlinContempt]

13. I don't know many people that like confrontation

I know I don't, I can sympathize :)

[SeattleGirl]

17. I would definitely talk to the person, tell them what I am angry about

I think the person I am angry at deserves to be told a) that I am upset/angry, and b) what I am upset/angry about. I'm not going to yell at them, and like you, sometimes I have to wait until I cool down, but I will talk to them.

There have been several people who have just flat cut me off, and who would NOT tell me what I had done. If I need to make amends over something, I want to know what that something is.

A number of years ago, I was working at a hotel here in Seattle, in the accounting dept. I shard a rather small room with 3 other women. One morning, I came in to work as usual, and one of the women wouldn't talk to me. I finally said, "It seems you are angry at me. Would you please tell me why?" And her response was, "You know very well what you did! And you did it on purpose!" Well, I didn't know what I had done, I racked my brain trying to think of how I might have made her mad, and just couldn't come up with anything. The woman never spoke to me again, and to this day, I still have no idea what I supposedly did to piss her off.
:shrug:

[GirlinContempt]

18. That's the pits

When someone expects you to defend yourself & your actions, or apologize for something when you have no idea what it is. I'm in a situation at the moment where, though I know what I have apparently done in a general sense, no one will give me specifics so that I can either confirm or deny them. Very very frustrating.

[SeattleGirl]

24. Why are some people like that?

It's never made sense to me. It is very passive/aggressive, as well as manipulative.

[Omphaloskepsis]

20. Usually, I'm the person who screwed up..

On the rare occasion that the other person is at fault I like to talk it out. It is amazingly easy to make a big deal out of tiny shit. And, in this town with my friends it is impossible to have a person disappear. If I never want to see a person again I will end up sitting next to them on the bus in the morning.

I just had a huge baked potato.. Tons of sour cream.. I can barely think.

[GirlinContempt]

22. mmmm potato

[skygazer]

23. When I'm upset with anyone

They know it. I don't enjoy confrontation but I'm not afraid of it. Nor have I ever in my recollection simply refused to speak to someone about something they did - usually they hear a lot more than they probably ever wanted to!

[GirlinContempt]

31. Sounds like me

[leeroysphitz]

26. I take the anger and/ or hurt and "ball it up" like a snow ball...

I ball it up REAL TIGHT and make it REAL small and put it someplace deep down "inside" me (where not even MOMMY can find it) with all the other things that have hurt and Hurt and HURT HURT HURT me over the years so that they don't ever "get out" and make me do the "bad thing" to the people I love again and again and again...

Then I get a half-gallon of Jim Beam all for myself and play "How long can I Stay Awake". I always LOSE that game...

[GirlinContempt]

29. *hides*

[leeroysphitz]

35. Don't hide from the Brain Eating Monkeys.....

They aren't your friends but they DO like to know where you are.

[Rhiannon12866]

27. I'm not good at confrontation.

I'm not even good at it on-line. I got very upset with my aunt, via e-mail, and I haven't written her back, since. I keep meaning to, but the longer it is, the harder it gets. She said something that hurt me very badly and I guss I'm having trouble dealing with it. This was last July, and her birthday is in April, so I'm going to have to make a decision fairly soon.*sigh*:-(

[GirlinContempt]

30. Yikes

You need to get that over with!

[Rhiannon12866]

41. I know. But it's tough.

I wish that I had your ability at confrontation. And the longer that this has gone on, the tougher it's gotten. She didn't even send me a Christmas card, so I guess she doesn't feel like talking to me, either, especially after what she said. I should ask my mother if she got one. I think my aunt's issue is really with my mother, and she's always liked me, since I'm nothing like my mother and we have a lot of interests in common, so it hurts, as well, that my aunt may be thinking I'm just like my mother.:-(

[InsultComicDog]

28. I take it out on total strangers

:evilgrin:

[GirlinContempt]

32. Good plan

;)

[Nutmegger]

34. I'll confront that person

although I have let things go in the past because that person has severely hurt me and showed no emotion whatsoever.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

36. Other:

HULK SMASH!

[GirlinContempt]

42. lol

I didn't realize you were so..... green ;)

[LynzM]

37. Hugs to you, GiC

I'm in a similar situation right now. A longtime friend is apparently angry enough at me that she wouldn't return any calls for two months, but not so angry that she won't come to things I'm hosting, or uninvite me from things she is hosting. I still don't know what I did. I've tried to give her a couple opportunities to tell me (car rides together, staying late after said thing she hosted) but she doesn't seem to want to talk about it. It sucks. Lots of :hug: for you. I agree that it is passive aggressive and bad :(

[GirlinContempt]

43. Wow thats weird

:hug:

[ghostsofgiants]

38. They way it usually works is my roommate gets drunk, acts like a dick...

I shout something from my bedroom and the next day tell him how much of a drunken dick he is. It works well.

[Hissyspit]

39. Sometimes "Less said, sooner mended"

By the way, GirlinContempt, I want more offensive! :7

[buddhamama]

44. i'd talk with them

i agree that one should until they are calm before speaking, eventually though something should be said.

even if there's no resolution a sense of closure could result. holding stuff inside is never a good idea nor is carrying around things left unsaid- i am envisioning yrs of one-sided, in your head conversations.