So it seems my relationship of five years is ending and I'm depressed

[skygazer]

I hate this. I've been so happy with this guy and I love him. And I believe he loves me. But he seems to have a very fuzzy idea about where fantasy ends and where reality begins and I can't live like that. It throws me off balance, makes me wonder if I can trust him. What's love without trust?

We had a problem a few years ago. I discovered he was posting ads on singles sites and corresponding with people who responded. It was "fun", he told me. But the correspondence talked of meeting up and getting together - what, I asked him, would you do if they said yes? I don't know, was the response. It's just fun.

Not for me.

I explained to him that it bothered me, that to me it was a form of cheating. I'm very open-minded but there didn't seem to be any boundaries drawn here and that made me uncomfortable.

I no sooner got comfortable again in the relationship when something similar happened. Same conversation, more forcefully. A promise to stop.

Yesterday, I discovered that he'd sent his ex-wife some nude photos of himself and that she's been calling on Sundays while I'm at work. Why? I ask. Are you getting back together? No, he tells me - he's messing with her, he hates her, etc. Then why not leave it and get on with our lives together?

Nope. Can't live like that. And the odd thing is, I pretty much believe him. I don't think he's actively cheating on me and I do believe he loves me. But he's like a little kid and thinks that if he does this "fun" stuff behind my back, it will be okay.

It's not okay. And it's not fun. I've invested so much love and time into this relationship and it's been so good except for that one little thing. But that one little thing keeps popping up and I can't live like that. Wondering what he's up to now.

Man, I need a hug..... :cry:

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

1. :hug: :hug: :hug:

You did the right thing. I know it's no consolation now, but soon enough you'll realize that you are much better off without someone that would play games with you like that. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

2. Oh skygazer, you deserve better than that...

:hug: It's not a "little thing" if it bothers you, and you are right to be bothered; it would bother me.

If you love him and feel as if he loves you perhaps you could try counseling? Perhaps an outside source hitting it home that his behaviour is destructive to your relationship would make him see the damage he's done to you.

Don't let your self esteem suffer any more blows...get help or get out. I know it's hard. Again, My heart goes out to you. :hug:

[skygazer]

3. I will suggest counseling

When we first started dating, he asked me if I'd go to counseling if there were problems rather than just breaking up. Sounded like he'd be open to it. We'll see. If not, I have a place lined up, a friend has a house he needs a trustworthy tenant for and he's willing for it to be me.

Good to have friends at times like this. Thanks.

[BlueIris]

4. Hugs. But I'm with MrsGrumpy--you can do loads better than that.

Best of luck. We're here for you.

[Ohio Joe]

5. You did the right thing

You made it clear where the boundaries were and he chose to completely disrespect you. It may hurt at first but your better off without him.

:hug:

[sbj405]

6. Skygazer, I'm very sorry

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

[Thtwudbeme]

7. In five years you are going to be five years older no matter

what you do.

Might I suggest that you dump this game playing clown immediately....go to counseling to first help you with the grief, then help you to understand why you love someone who plays emotional games....

Then in five years, you will have invested that time in yourself, and probably be with a decent man.

Stephanie

PS---I used to love a jerk too---it's horrible.

[MissMillie]

8. I'm waiting for someone here to tell you to stop being so controlling

and I would disagree with them, of course. If you're expecting monogamy, on physical and emotional level, then you should settle for no less.

If these conversations really mean nothing to him, he'd be able to drop them, which doesn't seem to be the case. He's fooling himself. These conversations are his way of being controlling over those women, and of course, over you.

I think if this is not the way you want to live your life, then you are wise to put this relationship behind you.

[BlueIris]

10. Ya know, I almost posted something exactly like this.

There is a kind of controlling behavior that when engaged in by a partner isn't acceptable, isn't something the other partner should tolerate, particularly if it disrupts the agreed-upon boundaries of what both people are comfortable with in an equitable relationship. What he was doing is that kind. Trying to mess with his ex-wife like that, presumably years after the split? That's just creepy.

[Richardo]

9. If that's his idea of 'fun' and 'kidding' he's way too immature

...for any adult woman.

I know it stings now, but there's somebody better out there for you.

[skygazer]

13. Exactly - it's immature

Yesterday, when I spoke to him (calmly and rationally), he was like a little boy who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He's 45 years old, for crying out loud!

I have 3 kids and 3 grandkids - I don't need another kid. Thanks for the support. :hug:

[LaurenG]

11. You can have a hundred hugs

I know how this feels, it sucks. I just want to say one thing. Something is wrong with him something is bothering him that he is unwilling or unable to face. I'm not making excuses for him but I do wonder why he suddenly needs so much attention? Especially if this is out of character for him. I hope that you take really good care of yourself right now. It really is painful, I know.:hug:

[Hugin]

12. :bighug:

You wouldn't believe how much I feel your pain.

I can offer nothing more than commiseration.

Over the last couple of months my life both private and professional
has been in a turmoil. Something due to my mode of thinking I'm having
a difficult time reconciling.

The mental shaped pegs in my mind no longer fit in the holes. My mind's
model of the world being like a giant strip mall is no longer true. Now
it seems more like a colossal truck stop/convenience store.

I hope you find peace in your relationship... Somehow.

[skygazer]

14. And you in yours

:hug: It's the living in uncertainty that's so difficult, isn't it? Wondering if you're imagining this crap or overreacting or if it's really what it seems to be. Mentally exhausting. :hug:

[Hugin]

17. Very true...

:hug:

It's not fair to live in uncertainty. It's a mind game and it's wrong.

Yup, it has gotten to the point, I'm going to have to seek some 'me' time.

Well, thanks for sharing your impressions and best wishes for you and your
future. I think it's good to recognize what you have may be ending.

[redqueen]

15. I'm so sorry.

:pals:

It's great to see you're standing up for yourself and doing something about this. I know you're hurting now but I'm proud of you.

Know there are better days ahead...

[Samurai_Writer]

16. Sending hugs

I know exactly how you feel, skygazer. Same thing happened with my ex-husband. Would keep finding him posting on swingers newsgroups, getting email from women who he had obviously contacted to meet. He also said it was 'just online fun'. Found out, he had been cheating on me from day one of our marriage, with who knows how many women -- seven that I could confirm. And our marriage only lasted 2 1/2 years before I found out proof. I should have ended it when you have, at the first sign of emotional cheating and disrespect of my feelings.

Since you can't be sure this guy didn't cheat on you, I would go get myself tested if I were you. And then forget about this jerk. You deserve better.

[miss_american_pie]

18. That's not a little thing

I'm sorry.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Ron Mexico]

19. I know you don't want to hear this, but

you got off light. It's always best to find out crap like this before you hit the altar, buy a house together or whatever. Five years from now you'll know what I know now - that you did the right thing and are better off for it.

Good luck.

[Shine]

20. Oh, skygazer, I'm so sorry to hear this news, my friend.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I can completely understand why the Trust would be gone, or at least badly damaged, given his behaviour. The sending of nude photos to his ex-wife just to "mess with her"?? :wtf: That's incredibly immature.

I agree with the otheres that getting counseling is worthwhile. Even if he doesn't go with you, go alone. Good for you for taking care of yourself. :thumbsup:

You deserve to be with a man who treats you with Love and Respect.

:loveya: :hug:
Shine

[skygazer]

21. Thank you, friend

It's strange - right now, I'm in "make arrangements mode." I have DU open on one window and my Gmail on the other where I'm negotiating with my friend about rent for his house. I have Quicken open in yet another where I'm figuring out what financial shape I'm in and what I can afford. My mind is flitting through my belongings, cataloguing them and planning where they'd go. I haven't yet opened the door to where my emotions live. That door is sort of bulging right now, and heaving. I don't want to go in there yet. So I let logic take over, and planning.

When I do open it, it won't be pretty. :cry:

[Hugin]

22. Awe...

:hug:

[Shine]

36. You are a Powerful Woman. You will not be broken.

:hug: My heart goes to you in this difficult time. Keep taking good care of yourself, sister. :hug:

[no name no slogan]

23. You deserve better than that

It sounds like he'd rather date around than settle down. Especially if he's toying with his ex-wife and answering personal ads. He needs to grow up, or be honest with you and with himself.

Best of luck to you. You will find somebody better than this. :hug:

[Call Me Wesley]

24. It's a breach of trust,

and the fact he does it when you're not around shows me that he must think a little bit more of it than just being 'fun.' Otherwise he wouldn't have to hide. Cheating always starts in the head.

Besides, he sounds rather immature and somewhat greedy, wanting it all. Living together with someone and still act like a bachelor is living in an illusion.

And it hurts you.

:hugs: and good vibes. Strength on your path.

[skygazer]

25. I pointed that out to him, too

That he obviously knows it's wrong or that it will hurt me since he does it behind my back. I asked him point blank what do you want? He doesn't even seem to know. Fine. I'll leave him with his fantasies and see now much fun he finds that.

Thanks for the good wishes.

[Lerkfish]

26. :bighug:

bottom line, we all deserve to be loved for ourselves, completely, passionately, exclusively.
And we have the right to look until that finds us.

I was very lucky to have two wonderful women. I was happily married for several years, became widowed, and then got lucky again. I've been happily married for 20 years the second time, now. No one is perfect, but if your significant other is unable to focus their love and attention on you exclusively, you deserve better. MUCH better.

[Left Is Write]

27. I'm sorry...

:hug:

[fleabert]

28. so sorry.

:hug:

you deserve much better.

[prolesunited]

29. And once you walk out the door

Please do yourself a favor and cut off ALL ties with this asshole. What makes you so special that he is not or won't be "having fun" or "messing" with you? He sounds like an emotionally manipulative bastard to me. What kind of sick psycho plays with women's emotions for sport?

You don't need his crap. You're better than that and deserve much, much more. If my spouse pulled that kind of shit, it would be over in a heartbeat.

It's always better to be alone than to wish you were. You'll get through this and be a better person for it. Hang in there.

[skygazer]

33. You're right - I don't need that crap

I will leave him to his little fantasy world and he can have all the "fun" he wants. By himself.

Thanks.

[flamingyouth]

30. I am so sorry for you.

You're a really nice person and you deserve to be treated better than this. :hug:

Best of luck to you.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

31. A nice person like you does not deserve someone like that .

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

[LynzM]

32. Oh dude, that sucks

Lots of hugs for you... discovering that you can't trust someone, especially someone you're so close to, hurts so much. :hug: I think you're right that if it keeps happening, and it's something you can't live with, you need to walk away, but it can't be easy :hug:

[amitten]

34. DUMP. HIM.

Men do NOT send nude photos to anyone to "mess" with them. People like this don't change. Better to end the pain now than after another five years.

You deserve better!!!!

[LostinVA]

41. Agreed -- many red flags for many years

Some people are just like this -- and, it really is a control thing, and it's his hangup, NOT YOURS!!!!! Remember that!

[Beaverhausen]

35. Oh I know what you are going through

:hug:

I went through something sort of similar a few years ago. You want to trust him but this other behavior is just too hard to take. You deserve better!

Can I recommend a book that has really helped me?
It's "The Mastery of Love" by Miguel Ruiz, the author of "The Four Agreements"

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&isbn=1878424424&itm=2

I actually have the book and the audiotape version (read by Michael Tucker and Jill Eikenberry) I used to take walks and listen to the tape. It really helped me get my head straight about relationships and what I deserve out of them.

:hug:

[SeattleGirl]

37. I'm sorry to hear this, skygazer

I know it has to be difficult for you. But I think getting out is the best thing. If you can't trust him, that's not good.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[bigwillq]

38. Here's a hug...

:hug: And I'm sorry you are going through this but you know what to do. This man has got to go. You will be better off without him. You don't need to be putting up with shit like this.
:hug: Good luck to you.

[El Fuego]

39. I'm sorry :hug:

It's hard, but you know the best thing you can do is walk away. In his selfish personal universe he'll do as much as he thinks can get away with. If you leave, maybe it will cause him enough pain it will finally make him feel the consequences of his action. That's your only hope.

I'm really sorry
:hug::hug::hug:

[In_The_Wind]

40. skygazer

I'm so sorry!

[AlanAdam]

42. The hard truth ...

from a guy who knows how to recognize a user. He's not someone who doesn't know what he wants, or is just immature. He's a user, pure a simple. Those pics to his ex-wife were not for the purpose of messing with her head. He was using her and knowing all the time that he was cheating on you. And you could catch him a hundred times doing that on-line stuff, have the stern talk with him, and he would be on-line for the hundred and first time a short while later. If he wasn't meeting up with some of those on-line women, he would do so sooner or later. My intent here is not to kick you when you're down, and I truly ache for hurting hearts -- mine has ached a lot in my life. But when you have cancer, you want someone who will tell you the truth staight up. The sooner acknowledged, the sooner healed. And I do wish a true healing for you.