OMG I feel so horrible today.

[Writer]

So much change this year, and so much oddity. Right now I'm running away from failure. I have a short story submitted for two different writing competitions, have a non-fiction book in the works, am applying for a job as well as a PhD program. It sounds good, but the pain in my chest at the moment indicates depression.

I need to finish my job app (what's the issue here, now?)but can't find the energy. Luckily I'm not desperate to find work, but it certainly would help Mr. Writer. Accordingly I am motivated as hell to do PhD work. Truly. Yet I am taking an incredible risk - I'm applying, mainly due to my geographic limitations, to only one program at the same university at which I completed my Master's work. That is risky, and some would say insane for those who know about this, but it is the only program accessible to me. The thought that this is all going to fail anyway (why the negativity, I ask myself) is slowing me down on writing my statement of purpose.

When depression flares up, like now, I am sluggish. It's hard to get moving. It's hard to consider the possibilities so that I give myself a chance. It's really not a worry for me, however. I've been dealing with this disease for twenty years, and am a pro by now. Yet it's like that bad relative that won't stop visiting no matter how often you tell him or her never to return.

Writer.

[datasuspect]

1. i'm sorry that you feel horrible

hope you feel better!

[Writer]

3. A .45 sandwich?

What is that? Sorry. I'm slow. :blush:

[datasuspect]

6. hmmm

let the sun shine in!!!

[Writer]

8. Oh absolutely. Those are some of my darkest days.

The worst was when I was living in Texas and a job I was working at the time contained a cast of some of the most dysfunctional individuals I've ever met. It was like living with disilusional Hitler youth. They were at the very LEAST cruel. It took a great toll on me.

Finally, after two years, I packed myself up and moved to NYC. It was the best "fuck you" of my life.

Whatever it is - God, light, Buddha, or your own human spirit - you have to lean on that. Also, whatever friends or relatives who are willing to listen, even if it's for five minutes, help too.

Good luck to you. Please don't consider that sandwich, okay? :hi: :hug: :hi:

[Midlodemocrat]

12. OMG, sweetie, I'm so sorry you are in so much pain.

I had no idea things were this bad for you.

:hug: :grouphug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

14. If you have any friends or family that you care about...please don't

do this data...

MrG will never be able to get the image of his father's last "meal" out of his head.

:hug: You need to talk I'm always around.

[BarenakedLady]

2. You've got a lot going on.

I wish I had sage words to give you. I've been dealing with the same demon (the big D) for over 15 years myself. I can only give you :hug: right now.

[Writer]

4. Thank you. I wasn't formerly diagnosed and properly treated until 25...

But I've been dealing with depression since 11. The Big D has arrived and left many times over the years... now I very much need to stave it off. The PhD application is of especial importance. I do not want to put myself in a position where I'm having to justify whether I'm ready for the rigors of a PhD program simply because I can't crank out this application in a timely manner.

[NewWaveChick1981]

5. You need one of these...

:hug: :hug: Ok, maybe two... :D I understand the stress, Writer, and I hope it calms down for you soon. :pals:

[Writer]

9. Thanks, Chick...

and I read your post. Good luck to you over your next couple of weeks. :)

BTW: That bridezilla story sounds juicy.

[NewWaveChick1981]

13. Thanks, Writer...

... :hug: If you want to laugh 'til you cry, stay tuned... I'll post the shenanigans when the wedding's done. I'm sure we're in for a real treat. :eyes: :rofl:

[SeattleGirl]

7. You have had a lot of change this year.

And a lot going on right now. My good thoughts are with you. Wish I could do more, but I have a few of these for you: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Writer]

10. Thank you. I really appreciate that.

I hate getting to the point where I'm typing about my personal demons on an anonymous bulletin board post on the Internet... but getting it out helps.

[SeattleGirl]

11. Yes, it does, and that's one of the great things about this place.

:hug:

[CottonBear]

15. Writer: I feel bad this week too. Please know that I am thinking of you.

I'm coming out of a 2 year depression. It is awful. Please get help. Please. I'm here for you.

:hug: CB

[Writer]

16. I have gotten myself help in the last month, although for some reason...

I've had a particularly bad flare-up over the last couple of days. Being a woman, sometimes the medicine does not jive well with our changing body chemistry every month.

I am so sorry that you too are feeling so bad. I am glad that you're coming out of your depression. I'll be thinking of you too. :) :hug: :)

[CottonBear]

18. I'm a woman too! Our chemistry is complicated. Hormones suck sometimes.

:hug:

I'm going through a rough patch but coming out of it and I have great friends and family to help me.

Take care of yourself.

CB

[crim son]

17. Sometimes fear and negativity get mixed together.

The result is depression. I know what you're describing because, since I was a young girl, depression has had a way of appearing and reappearing whenever I'm determined to excel, or make a change, or move on with my life. There are so many things I've never finished and depression has been my excuse... or my reason.

I wouldn't ignore it. If it's severe, see somebody. If you think you can handle it, then don't focus on it. Don't label yourself as "depressed" because it's a nightmare of a self-fulfilling prophecy. :hug: You sound like you have an awful lot of exciting stuff going on in your life. Be well.

[Writer]

20. Well I am depressed, but I say so not to pin a label on it...

actually I was feeling bad since the spring, but because I was finishing my Master's at the time, I did not take the time simply to notice the crying spells, etc. Stress does that to me - stress from trauma. I have overcome much of it, I believe, successfully.

I remember coming home from my thesis defense. It went quite well. I received a lot of compliments. I'd say it was a "red letter" day. But I came home and cried and cried. I think it was merely an outpouring of tension collected during that spring.

It finally caught up with me this summer. I got back on my meds for the first time in about 3-4 years. It's helping quite a bit. I can actually speak in complete sentences now. (I sometimes sound like Bush when I'm depressed. :puke:)

Thanks!

[crim son]

22. Well, hang in there!

I'm at an incoherent stage right now myself.

[nosillies]

19. Thinking of you

:hug:

I'm going through a rough patch right now and I can't take any meds, so I can completely understand how you're feeling. My biggest problem with depression is its destruction of any and all motivation I might have to do anything worthwhile and good for me.

I'm taking a walk here in a little bit (exercise can be very helpful!), and I'll keep you in my thoughts!

[Writer]

21. Good luck, amy...

I can't imagine not taking meds. Are you pregnant currently? I will be thinking of you too. :hi: :hug:

[nosillies]

24. You're exactly right, it's 'cause I'm preggers

I had terrible post-partum depression with my first babe, so my doctor and I will be jumping on the meds first thing after I have the baby, most likely!

[huskerlaw]

23. Perhaps you could

ask the librarian?

Assuming that you're not dealing with illegal music downloads, if you explain your situation they'll probably help you...or at least tell you whether or not it's possible.

[huskerlaw]

25. Holy crap...

I have no idea how this response ended up here.

Except perhaps because I'm tired and stressed.

Good lord. Obviously I'm an idiot today and this response was meant for another thread.

::walks away hoping nobody noticed...hangs head in computer-idiot shame::

[huskerlaw]

26. Now for an actual reply to your thread...

(and seriously, so sorry about the previous response, I have no idea what happened there)

I'm sorry you're having such a horrible time of it. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate right now.

Alas, all I can offer is a cyber-hug. :hug:

[Writer]

27. Oh it's no problem.

Thanks for the cyber hug!