Okay, DU. I need help and I need it bad (Read: guy troubles)

[MiniMandaRuth]

So, this guy and I have been best friends since late seventh grade (We're in ninth now). We've always been close (Talking to each other every chance we get, sitting at each others lunch tables, hanging out, getting bummed if we don't have classes together) except this year we've been fading away from each other (I want to go into journalism and he wants to go into architecture, so we only have one class together).

My big problem? Well, he likes me. You know.... like like. And I sort of like him back.

However, the big problem is that he wants a 'Huggy kissy' relationship where we always hang out and talk and hold hands and kiss and stuff. I don't want that. I have several other guy friends that he probably would feel threatened with if I hung out with them. And he gets jealous very easily. Overly so. As in, last year I was chillin' with a band friend of mine (A dude) and he freaked out on me with the whole 'What were you guys doing? Do you like him? What do you think of him?' crap.

And so last year at the end of Eighth grade, he told me that he really liked me... that he was in love with me. Because, as he said, I had a beautiful personality and I was fun and smart and beautiful. I told him that I pretty much felt the same way (I had been crushin' since the beginning of the year). So he asked me if I wanted to be his girl friend. I felt the little '...' go over my head as I thought it over. I weighted the possibility of us breaking up and never talking to each other again against always having him as a friend. I chose friend and turned him down. It devastated him.

Then, a week later, we pretty much went to our formal as a couple... but it was very uncomfortable. He kept me right by his side the entire time when I wanted to dance with other people so badly. So I was happy for the fact that he really wanted to dance with me, but pissed that he wouldn't let me go. We weren't dating or anything!

We kept in contact via email over the summer and talked a lot, staying away from the 'Boyfriend girlfriend'. However, he always signed his emails as 'Love xxxxx', which I thought was sweet. But I never thought he meant it.

And so this year, we've only seen bits and pieces of each other. But those snatches of conversation were unbearable sometimes. At our Tolo this year I found him (He had been duped by his date) and I danced with him once (He asked me). Then he asked if I would dance again. I said yes (Still foolishly thinking we were 'just friends') and then again. Then the third time I danced with a guy I have a huge crush on, and he got very jealous of it. He freaked out on me and I told him I didn't want to deal with it.

I just don't know what to do... I don't want that relationship with him because A) He gets jealous. B) He's too overprotective. C) I know the whole 'Huggy kissy' relationship will start out with just a cuddle and then turn into sex, and that is something I do NOT want.


I really just want the friendship... but I don't want to lead him on. Help...

[Fenris]

1. Too jealous.

You're undoubtedly better off without that sort of relationship. Take my advice - I used to be one of those guys. It's not right, and it won't end well. If he's that jealous when you're not a couple, you can imagine how he'll be once you're an item.

[Lars39]

2. Friendship might not be possible with the obsessive stalker

characteristics he's exhibiting. Just my 2.

[MiniMandaRuth]

3. He just doesn't seem stalkerish...

I mean, in the classic sense of the word.

[NMDemDist2]

6. that may be because he's still getting your attention and he's staying

cool until you make a bigger committment

trust an old lady who's been there, you need to back off this guy

[NMDemDist2]

4. right-o

this guy sounds like bad news to me

[TimeChaser]

5. Huggy/clingy/possesive isn't what you need in a relationship

Not sure how you'd want to go about turning him down. Admittedly, if he's that way over you, it might be difficult to get to back to friendship status :(

[MiniMandaRuth]

8. That's the only part.... I may never be friends with him again.

We just had some really great times together and I may never get that back. That's what gets me.

[XemaSab]

7. Here's the deal:

You're going to be dealing with shit like this at least until you get married, and maybe even after. :P

I have no further words of wisdom. :P

[Oeditpus Rex]

9. Have you told him specifically

that you don't want a romance with him because youthful romances are always fleeting and you don't want to risk your friendship?

I wonder how he'd feel confronted with the prospect of never seeing you again. "All or nothing" sucks doorknobs, and he should realize this.



But, hey — if you wanna go into journalism, you've got bigger problems than this. :scared:

[MiniMandaRuth]

10. What do you mean 'bigger problems'?

And I've thought about it... maybe I should tell him that it's me as a friend or me as nothing else.

[Oeditpus Rex]

11. Don't put it that way

That's an ultimatum, and those suck as much as "all or nothing."

Put it to him as a question — like, "How would you feel after we broke up and we didn't have each other at all?" And don't let him tell you you wouldn't break up. Everybody breaks up at your age.



As for "bigger problems," if you want to go into journalism, you're condemning yourself to a life of poverty and frequent misery.

[Porcupine]

12. Teenage boys are like jumping puppies.....

They want to climb into your lap and make a slobbery mess wether you are ready for that or not. They're usually not too particular about whose lap they're climbing in to.

Sometimes a (metaphorically) healthy whack on the nose at regular intervals is the only thing that works. If the puppy doesnt' get the message send him to the pound; maybe somebody else will adopt him.

Tell him to keep his distance (whatever distance that you're comfortable with) and if he doesn't seek adult help before you think you have too. Even if you seek adult help don't trash talk him; that won't help you or him deal in the long run.

[HEyHEY]

13. Uh, explain your case... then call the police

[Penndems]

14. You're a young woman, and there are plenty of fish in the sea

Slow down, take a step back and reassess the situation. Do you really want a guy who's gonna freak every time he sees you out with your friends, or another guy? Sounds as if he's got some unresolved issues he needs to get taken care of.

If you choose to continue seeing him, keep it at a platonic level for now. You're smart not to let sex become an integral part of your relationship. When you go out together, do something as friends: Movies, sports, political activities - whatever. Let him know that at this particular point in your life, you're not ready to "go steady" with anyone. If he accepts your explanation, fine - he's being considerate of your feelings (and if says he's a friend, that's how it should be). If not, maybe it's time to part company.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

[Boojatta]

15. Here's the interesting part

(I want to go into journalism and he wants to go into architecture, so we only have one class together).

I don't see why it would be particularly surprising that you only have one class together. Perhaps it depends on the size of the school. However, you are in grade 9 and you are already taking courses directed towards one particular career? That seems odd.

News stories can cover a variety of topics. For example, health related stories might use knowledge of biology, chemistry, etc. Court cases reported in the news can involve a variety of specialized expert testimony.

Is preparation for architecture a matter of taking specialized courses? Architecture is itself somewhat multidisciplinary. There's an artistic element, a design element, and an engineering element.

If you or he change plans, would it be necessary to go back and take grade 9 courses not previously taken?

[MiniMandaRuth]

17. Oh, I'm knocking out all my required classes this year.

Since he's in architecture, he's in drafting. Because I'm taking band, my elective is taken up. We put in what we wanted our career pathway to be and they stuck us with teachers who also instruct classes that involve our desired careers. I.E, my computers teacher also teaches the journalism class. His math teacher also teaches building and other things.

My school is just weird. :crazy:

[chknltl]

16. Take him to your school counselor...

...perhaps taking this to a third party, one who I am quite sure will be wanting in on this, may be for the best, yours and his. Be discreet, do not tell anyone else, this is between you, your freind and your counselor. Who knows, that meeting may keep him from becoming a controlling abusive spouse some day and may keep him as the friend you seek. I am a 52 year old male, I really have no better advice for you but I have seen my share of abusive spouses over the decades. If it were up to me, kids your age would be made to learn about abusive relationships and how to handle them as a required class before graduation. (Suggest this to that counselor and watch the light bulb go off over his or her head). Good luck to you my fellow DUer MiniMandaRuth
:pals: