What's your deal-breaker?

[rbnyc]

Hi Lounge Pals,

I am taking a little lunch break and I thought I'd pop in. My question for you all is what's your deal-breaker in the following areas?

Friendship
Romantic Relationship
Job
Place to live


Here are mine.

I can't be friends with anyone who uses heroin. I can't be friends with anyone who tries to make me feel guilty if I don't invite them to something or don't reach out to them often enough.

I can't be in a romantic relationship with anyone who uses heroin, coke, or drinks excessively, or smokes cigarettes. I can't be in a romantic relationship with anyone who resorts to violence. I can't be in a romantic relationship with anyone who doesn't put the needs of my/our son first. (Thankfully, my husband is a non-smoking, non-heavy-drugging, non-violent, awesome dad.)

I can't take or remain n a job if I don't believe in the mission. I can't take or remain in a job if I don't like my boss. I can't take or remain in a job if it doesn't provide health insurance. I can't take or remain in a job if it doesn't cover my cost of living.

I can't live in a place that has no public transportation. I can't live in a place that is mono-cultural.

:hi:

Okay. Have fun.

[Kali]

1. Liars

Just tell me the frigging truth.

[rbnyc]

3. I have some tollerance for lies.

I understand those strange little psychological lies that people sometimes tell to protect themselves, as long as thee's no real consequence to me. For example, my husband has a very hard time saying no to people, so he sometimes makes up an excuse why he can't do something. It would be better if he could just say, sorry, I can't do that, it doesn't work for me. But it's just too hard for him to say that at this point, so he says he's working, or he has an appointment. I know that if does this with other people, he probably does it with me as well. But, it doesn't really bother me. We talk about it, and he's slowly working toward being able to say no. But it's a deep issue for him, and if he has to lie sometimes to protect his time and personal space, I'd rather have him do that, than say yes to everything and drives us all nuts.

[idgiehkt]

18. I think it's great you have a dialogue

I'm starting to realize that is the most important thing in a relationship, where there is open discussion of what is going on and how people feel about it, rather than both parties retreating into their corners and protecting their turf from encroachment at any cost.

[rbnyc]

36. Thanks! (nt)

[Katherine Brengle]

12. Amen - even little white ones tend to piss me the hell off.

My husband is notorious for really really stupid lies, like saying he brushed his teeth when he didn't... it drives me nuts.

Big lies are non-negotiable.

[Strawman]

2. I couldn't be in a relationship with a Republican

or a religious fundamentalist. Acquaintance, casual friends yes. Relationship no.

[rbnyc]

4. Me neither.

If they're in-laws, or neighbors, or co-workers or people I have to associate with, I can get along with them, and even develop some caring and understanding for them, but I could never share a deep partnership with someone who is actually anti-choice or pro-war or thinks that god is a personified being who hates homosexuals.

[Deep13]

22. They're so in love with themselves there is no room for you.

[kwassa]

5. my picks

Friendship: smoker, liar, lack of intellectual curiousity
Romantic Relationship: smoker, liar, same gender as me, lack of intellectual curiousity
Job: low pay, lousy boss.
Place to live: any place not on the coasts, east or west.

[rbnyc]

6. I could go by those guidelines...

...except gender. I like them any way them come. (NO pun inteneded.)

[Shell Beau]

11. I understand not wanting to date a smoker, but you won't

even be friends with one? Even if they don't smoke around you? You may be missing out on some very great people!

[kwassa]

16. well ....

even if they don't smoke, they will smell like smoke, and probably not realize it! It is pretty repulsive, if you are a non-smoker. I was next to a guy in line at the bank yesterday, and he just reeked of cigarette smoke, even though he wasn't smoking.

I am not friends with anyone who smokes, though that is not the reason for not being friends. I honestly know very few people that smoke anymore.

[Shell Beau]

17. I agree that is stinks and is a nasty habit. But I do have

friends that smoke and I love them just the same! Even if they are stinky!

[Katherine Brengle]

20. I don't like smelly people in general...

in fact, intense smelliness would be a deal breaker for me in ALL situations...

(I quit smoking almost a year ago, and DH still smokes - he does stink, and it does bother me :( - but I'm holding out for him to quit.)

[Shell Beau]

24. Stinkiness isn't a lovely quality to possess but I will not

judge a person based on their smell.

On edit, my husband doesn't stink. Some of my friends will smell like smoke on occasion, but they are still my friends. I think that is absurd really to not be friends with someone based on that. But that is just me!

[kwassa]

25. I haven't consciously eliminated these people from my life

but I really don't know smokers, either socially or professionally. There are none in my current workplace. None.

And smoking is outlawed in all the local bars and restaurants, a great thing that allows me to go into a bar again. Perhaps that is not such a good thing. %^)

I can see being friends with a smoker, but they would have to have other very attractive qualities, or it wouldn't be likely.

and I do judge a person's hygiene based on other bodily smells, but that is about it.

[idgiehkt]

30. I don't hang arond smokers because I love to smoke SO much.

I love it. I am socially awkward and anxious and smoking makes me feel relaxed and gives me something to do with my hands. I know that if I hang around smokers I will end up smoking eventually. If it weren't for that, and the person would smoke outside and stuff I wouldn't care. But I am weak.

[Katherine Brengle]

35. I had to stop hanging around most smokers when I quit --

it's just so easy to smoke when everyone else is smoking, it feels sooooooo good...

Okay I'm outta here, this is almost as bad.

[Katherine Brengle]

34. I reserve the right to judge based on odor :D nt

[Haole Girl]

7. Here are mine

Friendship - cruelty
Romantic Relationship - cruelty
Job- boring
Place to live - too expensive

[rbnyc]

8. Where is an affordable place to live...

...where there are jobs?

I really don't understand how people do it. My husband and I are looking to buy a home and it's just crazy!! I'm thinking, people live in all these houses all over this area. Who are they? Where do they work? How can they afford it? I just don't get it!

We could afford to live in Ulster County. We could afford to live in Oshkosh Wisconsin. Where are we going to work?

Drives me nuts.

[Haole Girl]

10. There aren't many left, anymore, are there!

I'm in Texas...even here in the dust bowl housing prices have soared. Good luck...I hope you ind something soon. :hug:

[Shell Beau]

9. Ok!

Friendship- I will not be friends with someone who is catty and likes to gossip behind other friend's backs!

Romantic Relationship- Trust!!! Screw me once and that is the only chance you get!

Job- If I don't like it then that is a no go. Life is too short to dread every day!

Place to live- If it rains more than it doesn't, I won't live there. I like my sunshine! Sorry Seattle!!

[youthere]

13. My deal breakers

Friendship: Chronic Takers and Fakers...I won't tolerate either one, and I'm not very forgiving. Unfortunately most people wind up being one or both, which is why I have no friends.

Romantic Relationship: Triple A for me. I won't be with anyone Abusive (physically, emotionally or mentally)to me or my children, Addicted (alcohol or illegal substances-yes even marijuanna) or Adulterous.

Job: Any job that asks me to compromise my integrity, or put my family in second place.

Place to live: Anywhere that is not within an hours driving distance of my MIL. We adore my husband's mother, and as long as she draws breath we will be within spitting distance of her.

[idgiehkt]

15. I love those three A's

I've never heard that before but that one is gonna stick in my head; thanks.
Abusive, addicted, adulterous.

[raccoon]

19. I've heard of "the 4 A's:

Addiction, Adultery, Abuse, Abandonment.

Frequently mentioned on alt.support.divorce on Usenet.

[idgiehkt]

14. girlfriend

wow, those are some thought-provoking questions. Wow.


Friendship: Betrayal I guess would have to be the deal-breaker; it's my most recent one. Betrayal of my confidences and you are dead to me.

Romantic Relationships: Tough one to think about because my lovers have all been so different. No substance abuse, no subtances but alcohol and only in moderation and never around me, don't want to deal with cigarettes. Paternalism is another thing I can't tolerate because of my history, it just gives me the willies. I can't stand that energy of someone trying to mentor/help me/ (or just pretend to) or whatever in a way that suggests a power imbalance in the relationship, there is nothing more skeevy to me, probably because it is a common tactic of predators. I had some kind of vaguely defined flirtation/friendship/sexual discourse with someone recently where they would segue into that very occasionally and trying to explain why that kind of thing just creeps me out was really difficult. I don't think I ever quite got it across how much of a trigger that is for me when combined with a sexual discourse, but it is just gross. I definitely don't need a daddy, especially not a daddy that wants to fuck me. :puke:

Jobs: Gosh, I've done everything. I am an aspie and office politics/clique politics is over my head and I get chewed up and spit out every time I come within range of people who are good manipulators and live their lives by that kind of thing. So I generally do better with manual labor and working by myself. I left an excellent job in 2000 and part of the reason was it was a car parts manufacturer and I never felt right about working there, even though I drive a car. I've had ethical dilemnas on just about every job though. Even cleaning buildings I worry over using paper towels and the chemical cleaners; it's tough. I also recycle a good bit of the paper at buildings I work at even though I'm not paid to, I just have a tough time throwing it in the trash.

Living: I guess because I don't have a degree or skills I've pretty much had to live where I could and work where I could. I can't tell you how enlightening it has been to read your answers because it's opened it up to me a little bit what it might be like to have more choice in the conditions of my life. Just thinking about that makes me feel positive, it's really nice positive energy so thanks.

[Deep13]

21. Three possible deal breaker Qs when I met my wife:

1. Do you smoke? (correct answer: no) Had she said yes, the follow-up would be "When can you quit?"

2. Do you want children? (correct answer: no)

3. Are you a Democrat or willing to become one? (In her case the correct answer was that she was a noncitizen but usually sides with the Ds.)

For the rug rat Q, either you want 'em or you don't and if a couple disagrees it is better to know up front. I hate smoking and won't have it in my house. There's no sense trying to build a life with someone whose political philosophy is based on fear and arrogance.

[lizziegrace]

23. I can only reply to one right now

Romantic relationship - infidelity and all the lying that goes with it. But also, I also wouldn't tolerate physical or mental abuse and all sorts of other bad things. Infidelity is at the top because I've been on the receiving end of it and it cost my ex-husband his marriage and family.

[kwassa]

26. Traditional deal breakers are religion, sex, childrearing, and money.

Differences in any of those kill relationships.

[trof]

27. Power windows and door locks. It's GOTTA have 'em.

[Chan790]

28. Mine

Friendship: There really isn't anybody I can't be friends with. I have a high tolerance for other people.

Romantic Relationship: Country music fans. Can't do it. I can even date pro-lifers, anti-gun activists, die-hard republicans, and people who think Jesus talks to them personally. Liking anything played on CMT represents a bridge too far.

I can't date people who eat or wear animals. I can't date people who want kids or have kids. (I'm not even-remotely parental and I doubt I ever will be.) I can't date unadventurous people. I'm not marriage-minded either. I can't date people who want to convert me.

Job: Conservative Organizations, Values and Morality Organizations, Defense Contractors, People who steal.

Place to live: I can't live in rural locations because I grew up in the sticks on the edge of a 1.7Million acre Federal forest. I can't live anyplace without a Subway/Metro/Septa/Tube and light rail because I refuse to get a Driver's License. I can't live in New England because it's cold and the people suck. (I'm CT-raised so I know they suck, you can't convince me otherwise.)

[1gobluedem]

29. Mine

I can't be good friends with a right winger. A casual acquaintance, perhaps, but not friends. I just can't do it. Nor can I maintain a good friendship with a hypocrite or chronic liar.

Ditto for a relationship. My mother once said that there are three absolute essentials in a relationship; you must hold the same ideals/values/thoughts concerning politics, education, and religion. I can get along without the religious one but not the other two.

I agree with rbnyc; I cannot work for an organization if I don't believe in its mission and purpose. I've done that.

I can't live anyplace that isn't multicultural. I just can't.

[Jimbo S]

31. Mine

Dealbreakers

Friendship: Someone who doesn't respect me. I tend to have eclectic tastes.

Relationship: Bigots, smokers, doesn't have a 4-year degree.

Job: A place managed by unethical people, anyplace that doesn't respect me as a professional.

Location: Confederate South (sorry fellow DUers); prefernce to be close to family and friends.

[alarimer]

32. Let's see

friendship: lying
relationship: lying, smoking, Republicanism (well actually the right-wing fundamentalist wacko kind of republicanism)
Job: boredom, bad coworkers and/or bad boss
Place: has to be by the water, preferably the ocean and preferably a warmish place.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

33. Deal-breakers for me:

Friendship: Lying, right-wing fundiness, bigotry, being an emotionally needy drama queen, drinking too much.

Romantic Relationship: What is this "romantic relationship" of which you speak? OK, if I actually ever had such a thing again: same as above plus smoking, not liking animals (especially my cats), dissing my family, being passive-aggressive, cheating on me, being mean or abusive.

Job: Boring tasks/lack of mental challenge, obnoxious boss, low pay, lack of promotion opportunities, poor training, infighting/nasty office politics.

Place to live: Anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon line (too hot and humid), small towns where everybody knows your business, high-rise apartment buildings.

[Withywindle]

37. Hmmm, interesting question

Friendship: Meanness, small-mindedness, bigotry, no sense of humor, judgmental, and just being BORING.

Relationship: All of the above, plus: sexually conservative or timid or really inexperienced, Republican, unreliable, wanting children, not wanting animals, being in any way that comes off to me as "prissy" (germ obsessives, neat freaks, super picky eaters, rabid anti-smokers (not that they'd want me anyway), drug moralists, etc...I just find it a big turnoff), controlling, jealous, possessive, surly and grumpy.

Job: This is tough because I've had so many crappy ones and I tend to saddle myself with low expectations, but I'd say anything where I am deeply ethically opposed to the mission: an anti-gay or racist lobbying group, for example. Also, anything where I have to spend all day on the phone. I HATE talking on the phone.

Place to live: Anywhere without public transportation and decent nightlife. (I grew up rural. Wouldn't go back if you paid me by the hour to live there.)

[Arugula Latte]

38. Relationship (when I was single): No Repubs, no Religious men, no smokers

Friends can't be rightwing, nor can they be a fundie or an evangelical. I have a lot of friends who vaguely say they believe in some sort of a god but I never know what that means and they never go to church or talk specifically about their beliefs.

To live: I've lived on the East Coast abd the Midwest, but I've decided I'm a West Coast girl for keeps. I need to be in a metropolitan area with good restaurants, book shops, cafes, etc. No small towns, no suburbs. I had 20 years of suburbs and that's enough for me, I believe.