Praise the Lord! Ted Haggard is now "completely heterosexual"!

[Blue-Jay]

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070206/ap_on_re_us/haggard_sex_allegations
Tue Feb 6, 9:53 AM ET

DENVER - One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual."

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday's edition.

"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Shell Beau]

1. Oh please!

:rofl:

[slj0101]

2. Quick! Do something manly!!!

:rofl:

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

8. Yeah! Like John Wayne!

[slj0101]

9. "How about those Dolphins??!!"

:D

[NewWaveChick1981]

3. OMG...It's a miracle!

:rofl: Yeah, either that or he's "in complete denial"...:rofl:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

4. sure. so am i.

:eyes:

[Blue-Jay]

6. Without counseling? That's amazing!

[Zookeeper]

5. Oh yeah. Heterosexual men usually risk their career, family...

and reputation to have an affair with a man. Nothing to see here, move along...:sarcasm:

[Blue-Jay]

7. I wonder if he's completely not a meth-head too?

[Dukkha]

10. if that's true he'll be the first ever

no one can become "completely heterosexual"

[kay1864]

16. Yes, and

no one can become "completely homosexual"

:eyes:


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale

[Beer Snob-50]

11. The power of prayer people.

Cuz we all know that homosexuality is a choice and the baby jesus can help cure you.

[Critters2]

12. Oh for the love of...

It's like these people are parodies of themselves!!

I can't even find words.....:yoiks:

[Frank Cannon]

13. That's just amazing. He should do an infomercial about that.

Maybe give away toasters to people who call within the next five minutes.

[madinmaryland]

14. OMG, he found the gay switch!!1!!

[Mad_Dem_X]

LMAO!

This is too ridiculous for words...:eyes: :rofl:

[crim son]

15. I wonder if his wife has as much confidence in his transformation

as we are supposed to. :eyes:

[kay1864]

20. Heh.

Indeed. How could this faithful Christian wife




NOT embrace and forgive this prime example of Christian morality?

[kay1864]

17. LOL!

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to only those who had come forward publicly.


Oops, had my Fundie-to-English filter turned on, my bad... :silly:

[Deep13]

18. It's a miracle!

To prove he is cured, he will go out an kill something with his bare hands. I suggest a mountain lion.

[Fenris]

19. Praise the Lord!

:D

[HoneyBee]

21. Did they test him with one of THESE???

[kay1864]

22. Even more hilarity!

Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife, Gayle, plan to pursue master's degrees in psychology. The e-mail said the family hasn't decided where to move but that they were considering Missouri and Iowa.

Another oversight board member, the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town and the Haggards agreed.

"This is a good place for Ted," Ware said. "It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now. It's like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere he can get the wound healed."

It was also the oversight board that strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work.

Translated from Fundie to English:

"Get as far from us as possible, you're hurting the collection plates bigtime.

Oh, and you're a crappy minister too."

[NewWaveChick1981]

23. "Hey, Ted! Get the FUCK OUT!"

:spray: :rofl: :rofl:

[xchrom]

24. praise the lord -- now shut the door on your way out, would ya?

[Rambis]

25. He is a bigger joke now than he was

"I went and got the cure" What a crock!

[Little Wing]

26. Has he passed "the Snickers test"

It's the only way to be sure

[Deja Q]

27. Who needs FOX television sitcoms? Haggard's lot is far more fun to watch!

:rofl:

Who cares if he's straight, gay, bi, or fucks toaster ovens. The fact is, he was high and haughty about morality and here he is cheatin' on his family. He's a pig and I don't give a rat's if he prefers indoor or outdoor plumbing. He still ended up flushing himself.

[Radical Activist]

28. Darn! There go my chances!

heh

[judaspriestess]

29. Praise the Lord and pass the amunition

and gosh it only took three weeks of rehab :eyes: