Kirby: A guy's guide to lingerie

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Kirby: A guy's guide to lingerie
By Robert Kirby
Salt Lake Tribune Columnist
Salt Lake Tribune

Article Last Updated:02/11/2007 11:19:47 PM MST

If you have a Y chromosome lurking somewhere in your biological hash, pay attention. Today's column could well save your life.
VALENTINE'S DAY IS WEDNESDAY. THAT'S THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.

Since this is the first clue most guys had that Valentine's Day was upon them, it probably saved at least a dozen lives, several hundred arrests and who knows how many marriages?

That's enough public service for your average journalist, but I think it's wrong to strike fear into the hearts of simpletons and leave them to fend for themselves. Some of you would rush alone and frightened to Victoria's Secret and seriously hurt yourselves. A lingerie store is no place for panic.

I can help, but first, calm down. We will need our wits if we hope to understand stuff such as peignoir, bustier, corset, chemise, camisole and whatever the hell else the French were busy inventing instead of a decent army.

Understand that lots of guys shop for lingerie around Valentine's Day, so try not to act like a pervert. A Y chromosome only makes this difficult, not impossible.

For starters, you should avoid duck-walking around the store in a hopeless effort to avoid being seen by passersby. Find yourself a sales clerk - invariably a woman - and ask for assistance.

The clerk will want to know the general dimensions of your beloved. It will help if you know what these are. If you must approximate, watch the hand gestures and do NOT peer around at the clerk's bottom for comparison. She won't appreciate it, and neither will the police, who have better things to do.

Certain parts of lingerie are sized by, well, caliber. Never take home a larger-caliber item than your romantic interest requires unless you are absolutely positive you are tired of living. If you really aren't sure what you're after, now is the only time you can safely rely on instincts. Look around the boutique (French for "overpriced") and imagine your significant other wearing various items. Some of them will be complicated. Some will be frilly. Others will be transparent. A few might seem scary. Keep looking.

When you get to something that feels like a blow to the heart and makes you want to be really, really bad, that's it. Get out your wallet.

And remember, we still have two days to go. So drive the speed limit on the way home.
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