Help! What to do with my ex's overbearing wife who wants to take over as "grandma."

[CTyankee]

They recently moved closer to my dtr and 3 granddaughters, which is mostly fine with me, except that this woman is obnoxious when we are together for one of the girls' concerts, plays, sports events or birthdays. She especially takes over the little one who is 5, whom I'll call "Sara" here. I had to stop her when she wanted to smear HER chapstick on "Sara" lips. She looked annoyed. When I was picking "Sara" up off the floor, she "ordered" me not too. I have been patient in the past but this last visit was too much! I told her quietly but firmly that I AM THE GRANDMOTHER and she can't tell me what to do!

She also reads my son in law's email and rummages through all of the girls' closets and little purses. She tells fantastical lies, which are at least comical, but the children don't know yet that you can't believe what she says ("I was speaking fluent Spanish after two weeks in Mexico and customs thought I was an illegal").

My daughter just wants one big happy family, so I am mostly not complaining to her. However, my strategy is to make life miserable for this woman (quietly, with no scene) so that she doesn't visit when I am there. Hope this will do the trick but she is so insensitive she might just not notice.

No problem with my ex. He can be helpful with the girls and anyway, is so much older that when he visits he falls asleep in a chair. Also he is their grandfather.

Do you think this will work? How do you deal with people like this?

[Raven]

1. My heart goes out to you...

literally and figuratively! If I were you I would try to avoid being around her if at all possible. When you do have to be around her... I had a college roommate who made people she didn't like disappear. She just acted as if they were not there. Very effective! Then, when she does or says something off limits, let her have it...it will be that much more effective if you've given her the silent treatment most of the time. This woman may not be trying to supplant you as a grandma, she just may be plain obnixious!

[CTyankee]

2. She is pathetic so I guess I should feel sorry for her.

But she now lives closer than I do to the kids. I like your advice. When I know she will be at my dtr's house I will make sure I am busy with the little one at the moment she comes in. I've tried ignoring her but she is so overbearing that it's just giving her more license to take over.

All my grown kids know she is a liar and obnoxious, but they aren't around her very much. I feel sure that as my granddaughters get older they'll catch on, too. It is sad in a way. She never had children and when my ex dies she will be totally alone (unless she moves back to the Bronx whence she is from).

[jobycom]

5. She sounds lonely and socially inept

Frankly, she sounds like my estranged spouse. Desperate for attention, perhaps unused to being loved. She is trying to fit in by filling the role, not really understanding how relationships work. The extreme lies add to that impression (again, like my spouse). She's not so much trying to make people love her, as trying to act like a grandma so she can have all the rewards that go with being a grandma. I'm not defending her, she can do a lot of damage that way, since she's not responding out of any real emotions for the grandkids.

Just observing. Then again, maybe I'm revealing more about my spouse than about her. :(

[CTyankee]

11. You are right, she is compensating for her lousy life.

She made a bad bargain by marrying my caste off ex. She should have realized that I was divorcing him (he would have remained married to me but I couldn't take him any more) and there might just be a good reason for it!

Now that I think about it, he pretty much had to have someone not in their right mind to marry him...

[China_cat]

6. She sounds like my stepfather's wife

and there's absolutely no reason at all to feel sorry for her. She's a psychic vampire who will suck the life out of everybody she's around and then turn around and blame you all for her shortcomings.

The one to feel sorry for is your ex. If it follows the pattern my stepfather's has, it will end up with his own children unwilling to visit or have him around if it means having to put up with her. My half sisters no longer visit their father. They feel bad about it but his wife has made their lives so unliveable that they just can not put up with her any longer for any reason.

[JVS]

3. cut the child in half

[CTyankee]

7. Go away. Come back when you feel you can contribute (and behave)

[jobycom]

4. Wow. That's hell. From a distance it's almost funny!

I know, I know, it's not in person.

Your strategy will fail. Worse, if you do drive her away while you are around, she will see the grandkids more when you aren't around, and they will suffer.

I'd say just ignore her as much as possible. The least effective person in the world is the one who constantly gripes, even when it is necessary. If you get in the habit of constantly telling her to butt out, she will have an easier time ignoring you. So, ignore her. Let her do her thing until someone appeals to you for help. (For instance, when Sarah says "Grannie, do I have to use her chapstick?" Then you say "Of course not, dear, come over here by me.") And ignore her instructions. When she complains that you are picking a child up off the floor, don't respond, just pick the kid up as though she didn't speak. That way, you'll get the reputation as the patient, sane one, even the savior, and she'll get the reputation of the annoying one. Face it, she won't change, so there's no point in trying to make her change. Just establish the best living situation for you.

No idea if any of that would work. I'd probably not do it right myself! Just thought I'd practice my typing, anyway. :) I did have a very annoying grandmother. My mother always fought her. Made life hell for everyone, especially my mother. So that's probably where I'm coming from.

[CTyankee]

9. I have tried ignoring her but it seems to encourage her more.

She is the type that takes advantage of being ignored by getting louder and pushier. I definitely don't want to complain to my daughter (I know I am complaining here but this is DU!). And I don't want to seem unreasonable. My oldest granddaughter called her a "weirdo" to her face a while back and I was surprised but maybe as the kids get older they will just catch on to her craziness. Maybe that will be the "natural" way of her being edged out of the picture.

Thanks for letting me rant here.

[AlCzervik]

8. thats a tough situation. If she likes drama your plan might feed her need for it.

maybe you should try killing her with kindness? My SIL is similar, she was pissed that i breastfed my daughter--"How can i give her a bottle, you should be using formula, harrumph!" I didn't bother telling her i had a breast pump and yes she could have fed her but she was so fing nosy and bossy i decided not to.

[CTyankee]

10. Again, she would take advantage of any kindness one had to offer.

I was brought up to be polite to people so my natural response has been to withdraw, ignore and still be polite. I am feeling unwilling to do that any more. She just pounces. I think she needs sharp jabs from me that make her being around me unpleasant.

I think she has a lousy life. First, she married my ex, which is punishment in and of itself. He went through money she had saved in his disastrous attempt to run his own business. He nearly went into bankruptcy and has been and is still being sued over his shady business practices. His health is going downhill. She is stuck with an sickly old man. For all of his faults, I do feel sorry for him. I got out of my marriage with him in time to keep my sanity; he would have stayed in it and run me down even more! She can have him; I am happily married to a younger man.

[NashVegas]

12. I Dare You To

Invite her out for lunch, and explain to her why her behavior is upsetting to you, regarding the Grandma stuff.

As for the rest - going through the mail, etc., these are things that do not affect you and it's up to your daughter and son-in-law to get upset and express it to her.

[AlCzervik]

13. what you said.

[CTyankee]

17. I thought of that, but I know that she would respond by saying

SHE was doing nothingwrong while I was doing everything wrong and it would end up as a arguing contest.

She is not likemost civilized people here. She doesn't have the sense or sensibility to operate in modern society. If I had her to lunch and talked aboutherinability to operate in our family, she would turn it against ME and say I was at fault. I can hear it now. I am not giving her that podium!!!

[CTyankee]

19. I wish it were that easy. Unfortunately, I know exactly what she would say.

She would say "That's YOUR problem!", laugh, sneer and continue doing exactly what she always has. She has a very loose hold on reality. She cannot see herself as she really is. If she did, she wouldn't tell the absurd lies she tells, because she would know that they make her look ridiculous. It is impossible to reach people that far gone with sincere outreach such as you suggest. It would work with normal people, yes, but she is not normal. It's a great idea, Crisco, and if I could I would do it in a minute. Thanks!

[NashVegas]

20. That's Too Bad

In that case, I would say the best option would be to completely change the subject, in the nicest way possible.

Her: don't pick her up!
You: (to her or anyone else) what a lovely scarf you're wearing ... where did you get that?

A trick I learned from a Southern Dame.

If she insists on giving you shit, go Yankee on her in front of everyone. (I'm not certain what you mean when you say "make life miserable for her", btw.)

Your daughter sounds like my mother: she wanted us all to act like one big happy, and she couldn't handle any kind of emotional scene. Result: all kinds of crap was allowed to fester - for years. Not good.

Sometimes, you just gotta be prepared to be the family asshole.

[skygazer]

14. She sounds obnoxious as hell

But try to remember - it's not a contest. Kids aren't stupid and they'll make their own minds up about her. They'll also pick up on tension between you and her and it will make them uncomfortable.

Be yourself. Be their grandmother. Let her be whoever she wants to be and try to ignore her idiocies. If it comes to a direct confrontation, as with picking up the little one, try to defuse it with humor while still firmly doing what you planned on doing.

People like that thrive on drama and contention - don't give it to her. And if you can limit your time with her, good but don't do it if it means limiting your time with your grandkids.

[Orangepeel]

15. This is what I think "Miss Manners" would say...

I seem to remember reading a letter sent to her about a somewhat similar problem -- the wife of some family member who would say inappropriate/obnoxious things. Miss Manners said, basically, to treat her like she was a senile old aunt, by correcting her in a kindly way (e.g., "No dear, I'm Sara's grandmother. It's okay for me to pick her up.").

As for the rummaging and email and stuff, I think Miss Manners would say to leave that for your daughter to deal with, if and when she chooses.

My personal opinion is that your strategy to "make life miserable for her" is bound to backfire on you. You're the one bothered by the conflict. She thrives on it. Escalating it will make you miserable, your daughter miserable and your grandkids miserable. It will just make her feel important.

[CTyankee]

16. I like the Miss Manners thing. And I actually did a little of that

to her when she asked if my other daughter knew I was going to see her in California. I replied with a smile, "No, it's going to be a BIG surprise!!!" She got the sarcasm and she shut up.

You are right about my dtr and sil being the ones to confront her. I certainly didn't, but I did hear them complain about it, otherwise I wouldn't have known.

Be assured I am not declaring open warfare, just firm reminders that I won't let her get away with certain behaviors and condescension. I will do nothing to upset my kids or grandkids.

[BlackVelvet04]

18. You have my sympathy....

dealing with obnoxious people is tiring.

I would suggest gentle rebukes....nothing she can justify getting really angry about but will get her attention.

She sounds like she likes drama. Don't give it to her. Just quietly let her know what's what.