How Long Do You Hold Grudges?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

An email from a du'er made me think about this.

Mostly i forgive, forget and move on.

Though there are some in my family who remember little offenses/feuds for years and years.

So what kind of grudge holder are you?

[Chan790]

1. I'm not...I can forgive almost anybody of almost anything...

short of trying to kill me. The two people who tried to kill me I hope they suffer a lot and I don't care that they're family.

[AlCzervik]

2. i forgive but i file it away.

[bridgit]

6. that sounds right, there's too many important things going on to drag...

some grudge around as well :)

[AlCzervik]

11. yup.

:toast:

[belladonna]

3. I don't

With a few rare exceptions, I've never held a grudge against anybody. Life's too short to hold grudges :shrug:

[bicentennial_baby]

4. another reason why i adore you....

thank you :hug:

:loveya:

[belladonna]

17. You're too cool to ever be mad at

:loveya:

[bicentennial_baby]

20. awwwww...seriously, thank you

i'm really happy to be in touch with you again....i am :loveya:

[AlCzervik]

19. plus i think it takes a toll on the person holding the grudge, it takes a lot of energy

to stay angry. My sil is a prime example of that, i think she's one of the reasons i don't hold grudges, i don't want to end up at 61 being a miserable bitch.

[crim son]

5. I don't hold grudges unless the offense was seriously damaging

and prolonged. I can think of only two people in my life against whom I have a grudge, and one of them is dead.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

53. good point.

[WindRavenX]

7. I don't in general

Usually with people I love. I hate fighting--hate it. I'm a complete wuss.

But there are some people I hold deep personal grudges against because they are homophobic and racist assholes...

[CaliforniaPeggy]

8. My dear lioness.........

I refuse to be burdened by grudges.......

I get mad in a flash, and pretty quickly it's over......

I am ferocious when angry....ask anyone who I've been angry with!

But it's a flash, and then it's gone.......

Holding grudges can eat away at you! It's very unhealthy, IMHO......

:hi:

[Blue-Jay]

9. Depends on the grudge.

I still have a 20-year-old grudge against somebody, but I also forget about grudges from last week.

[MichiganVote]

30. Me too. I really only have a couple of people who are on permanent grudge

the rest, usually I just wait and see. If they fess up' I get over it, if not, I wait and try to balance their offense with whatever opportunity presents itself for payback.

[SPKrazy]

10. Grudges, Resentments

are damaging to my soul...

that said, there are some from my childhood that I've yet to completely recover. I think the grudge part is mostly gone, but underneath it is the wound that still is healing.

:shrug:

[Fenris]

12. I'm not really much a grudge person.

I'm bitter about a few things, but I don't hold grudges. I don't like holding on to negative energy. :shrug:

[bicentennial_baby]

14. hey, you....

:hug: you made me really happy recently... merci :hug:

[Blue-Jay]

15. buttsecks?

[Fenris]

42. Oh no - thank you!

:hi::hug:

[femmocrat]

13. I'm Slovak. Forever.

I never forget. I may act like all is OK, but deep down, I'll never forget it. I'm not talking about minor slights, but major, deliberate acts that actually caused harm to me or my family.

Little stuff doesn't matter to me. That rolls right off.

[AlienGirl]

16. Only a lifetime or two, but I take my revenge in the form of funniness...

One word: KARAOKE.

Tucker

[Redstone]

18. About twelve seconds, because that's about how long I can remember ANYTHING.

Redstone

[sundog]

21. it's pretty much impossible for me to hold them

i just have to use caution around those who do

[jpgray]

47. We still hate each other, though

:loveya:

[sundog]

62. and yes, it is true - you have earned my hatred

though i do not hold a grudge against you for that

my moral structure precludes me from feeling guilty over such matters

it's all meadows & cumulus clouds & buttercups under the chin with you, jp

:mad:

[Writer]

22. I always move on, but if the person does not attempt an apology,

even if I have reached out to or have confronted the person's behaviors, then that person is on my shit list for a very long time. The grudge appears only when the name appears. Otherwise I happily move on.

There are fewer and fewer people today who are big enough to apologize for being wrong or for harming another person.

[idgiehkt]

29. Amen

"There are fewer and fewer people today who are big enough to apologize for being wrong or for harming another person."

I cannot hold a grudge. I have never been able to. I don't know what it is, but it is impossible for me to stay mad *most* of the time. I've seen in the last little while some folks contort themselves into unbelievable positions and concoct outlandish tales to justify their behavior though, rather than just say "I screwed up, I'm sorry I hurt you, I won't do it again." Instead they seem determined to cause more harm rather than face what they have done and it's affect on others. I don't have a shit list, but I will protect myself, if I know that were a person who has hurt me prior given an opportunity they would do it again. Whether that means keeping someone blocked and ignored permanently here or not having any contact with them in the real world, whatever. I do feel that for me forgiveness is necessary because it clears my heart out, but stupidity is optional; I don't have to let it happen again, and I'm justified at going to any length to protect myself in the future. That being said, I am a venter; if someone screws me over I might bitch about it for a long time, lol.

[Writer]

44. That's very much how I am.

I will certainly bitch about that person, and I never, never forget what that person did, but I always move on. I have a shit list, but I do not operate my life with anger. I just think that less and less of us are willing to be the adult nowadays. And I also agree that many of us weave unbelievable excuses for our behavior.

[idgiehkt]

48. It's so much easier to just apologize

Just to say you screwed up and there is no excuse. Most of the time I am willing to do that because I spent so many years in twelve step and they drum that into your head daily, that resentments are born from guilt and the best thing to do is apologize. Most of the time I don't hang on very long before I will make an apology just to get it out of the way and move on. It's a rude awakening sometimes that other people are not. I've been pretty seriously wronged twice in the last month and both times the folks twisted their stories around to some version of "I tried to help her, and it bit me in the butt." It's astounding, really, but I'm just glad it's not on my karma.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

52. seconded. i just got an apology where one was not even really due.

it was very magnanimous.

[Lyric]

23. It depends on the severity of what they did.

Some things cannot be forgiven, and should not be forgiven. Others are best forgotten for the sake of everyone involved.

[Norwood]

24. Depends on what the grudge stemmed from

Most grudges I'll let go within less than a day. Some grudges I've held for years and still do, my ex gf from a few years ago for example, when I found out she screwed another guy(who I didnt like to before that even happened). Although that grudge has become more of an indifference as time has gone on.

[Digit]

25. I don't hold grudges (on a personal level)

It takes too much energy and it is damaging to my well-being.

Then again, I hold a huge grudge against this misadministration for Katrina, for not getting armor for our troops, for hurting the middle and lower class, for their greed, their lies, and contemptuous ways.
Maybe it is the fact that they do it continuously that makes me hold the grudge.

[sce56]

26. Depends on the grudge

My ex stole everything I ever owned even the stuff I had before I met her and I mean everything! She held it as a bargaining chip to get what she wanted. I might get back some of my things one day and not hold as big a grudge against her but the things she gave me back tossed over the fence in the middle of the night burnt and trashed like my diploma from a year long army school or my certificate of appreciation signed by Bill Clinton how can you ever forgive those things done strictly due to her greed.

[bridgit]

27. I seen the movie and it really didn't work out well for anyone...

[MadMaddie]

28. Honestly, a grudge takes to much energy and it sucks the life out of you

a prime example is the man in the WH...his grudge against Saddam for trying to kill his dadddy....has resulted in the deaths of thousands upon thousands of Iraqis and American soldiars.

[davsand]

31. I used to think it was over immediately after I spoke my mind.

I honestly had never been able to stay mad. I used to joke that I had the attention span of a gnat, in fact. However, the last three years of my life have been made made miserable by ONE abusive SOB and frankly, I have learned that I DO, in fact, have the capacity for not only a grudge but an honest to gosh hatred.

Literally, I can't stand to be anywhere in proximity to this man. I start to shudder and I can feel my face drawing up into a snarl even if I see him across the office suite. It is THE most amazing thing I have ever experienced in my lifetime because I had no idea I was capable of such anger for such a long period of time.

I was redeemed somewhat when the f*cktard fainted in the office after he nicked his finger and it bled. I actually saw him pass out, thought he was having a seizure, and started yelling for somebody to call 911. After all the times I've said I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire I actually DID at least NOT run up and piss on him when he as laying there passed out cold. I felt redeemed as a human and somewhat relieved to find out that I hadn't completely abandoned my compassion.

I am soon gonna be 47 years old and I just learned i can not only carry a grudge, but I know how to hate.

Sadly,


Laura

[AwakeAtLast]

32. My ex did a number on me

He's the only one I really hold anything against. But I don't think about him that often anyway.

I think we are happier if we don't, FWIW.

[KatyaR]

33. Oh, certain ones I can NEVER give up.

I have one--let's just say that calling it a "grudge" is putting it mildly.

And god as my witness, I will get revenge--and even that will never be enough. :evilgrin:

[bigwillq]

34. Long enough to make my point

and then I move on.

[mzteris]

35. Forever. Unless

I forget to be mad - which I usually do.

:rofl:

Actually, I can (and have) forgiven just about any/every- thing possible. People make mistakes. People screw up. People are just - - - people. With human foibles and human frailties. No one is perfect and everyone screws up one time or another. Lord knows I've screwed up myself sometimes - and been forgiven - how dare I do less for someone/anyone else? It may just be me the next time, doncha know?

[gemdem]

36. I don't hold grudges

I get pissed and I get over it. Life's too damned short and grudges are too damned heavy to carry around. I've seen too many people crippled by their grudges and I don't intend to be one of them. This may not work for everyone else, but it's just my way.

[LostInAnomie]

37. Until I pee on their grave.

:thumbsup:

[GenDem]

38. I'm probably too forgiving -- I rarely ever hold a grudge

I will occasionally allow people to walk all over me, because I hate conflicts of any kind, and tend to be a people pleaser. If I feel enough anger to hold a grudge, I get very uncomfortable.

[MsKandice01]

80. I could have written that myself...

Don't you hate it? I sometimes wish I could get reaaally pissed and yell something like, "Fuck you!" just ONCE...but those words could never come out of my mouth. I'm a wuss.

[GenDem]

82. Oh, yeah -- wuss here, too.

I have so much pent up "fuck you's" stored up that if I ever cut loose they would probably put me away.

I know that my way is just as unhealthy as the angry grudge filled personality trait. I've always been like this, so I don't think I'll be changing, although I've spent enough on therapy trying.

The only time I get angry and express it is over politics and social justice issues. :pals:

[MsKandice01]

84. Me too!!

LOL...I'm glad I'm not the only one.

[sakabatou]

39. Depends on what they did

[leftofthedial]

40. just until their great grandchildren die.

just kidding. I only hold grudges against repukes and other fascists.

[LiberalHeart]

41. Wow, most of you folks are saints.

I hold grudges forever and ever, amen. They don't drain me. They help me weed out everyone who's beside the point in my life, and focus on who and what matters. Even after I've forgotten why I'm holding a grudge, I nurse it, nurture it, make sure it lives a long happy life.

[Kali]

43. I have a couple of unhealthy ones I carry around, but mostly

I get revenge quickly and move on. :rofl:

[LaraMN]

45. Seventy-eight minutes.

Unless I'm really mad, in which case the scenario is more like, "until I get distracted by something, like trying to locate my 'good socks.'"

[JackBeck]

46. I have to go smoke.

I'll get back with an answer after I do.

[JackBeck]

49. When it's misdirected and uncalled for

an apology can last a life time. And waiting for one can last an eternity.

But when you or the one who you hold dear to your heart makes a misstep, then hopefully all is solved before you go to bed. I never hold a grudge with one who I love and cherish. Life is way too short.

[doc03]

50. Usually I don't but I have a couple I will

keep until I get even or one of us is dead.

[XemaSab]

51. Depends on the grudge

There are people who I have sworn to hate always, but after a few years I decided it wasn't that big a deal.

Then there are people who I currently have grudges against, who I will hate always. :grr:

[Strawman]

54. No active grudges, but some lapsed ones I have no interest in resolving

and I doubt I would ever be presented with a challenge to do so.

[cwydro]

55. I don't hold grudges

but if someone breaks my trust, I am not likely to trust them again.

[bikebloke]

56. Depends

I've rightfully held a grudge for over 20 years. I like the Sicilian saying about best eaten cold. The offender eventually caught cancer and wanted a made-for-teevee death bed reunion. Fuck NO! That person's behavior was uncalled for and went on and on. I guess there must be a Balkan back the in the family tree somewhere. And there's another family member that will one receive vengence, too.:evilgrin:

[idgiehkt]

57. someone

related some version of that saying in a pm to me recently, "revenge is a dish best served cold." I really don't understand it. It actually sounds like what you did was make a personal decision based on what you believed was the right action for you to take, and no one but you can be the judge of that. I bet it took fortitude to stand up to the pressure of that one. I think there are some things that only God can forgive, like the harm of children, for instance, that is a kind of forgiveness even if given (and I have 'forgiven' my perps even though they are dead, most of 'em) by me, they will ultimately have to wrassle this out with their makers.

My personal view on vengeance is that, and I guess I heard this somewhere and it has always stuck with me, "revenge is for the weak." It may be some version of what I grew up hearing from the bible, which is "Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord." God, or the universe, or whomever is in charge, will take care of it and if I try to, all I will do will be to get my own hands dirty, which I am not willing to do.

[bikebloke]

66. My world view doesn't included gods

Allowing misdeeds and abuse to go unpunished only incourages others to emulate them. Sort of like the Reagan and Nixon retreads in power now. After the abuse I endured, they're lucky I kept a level head.

[idgiehkt]

71. did they do time?

"Allowing misdeeds and abuse to go unpunished only incourages others to emulate them."

That is a good point; that is what the criminal justice system is for. I'm not advocating letting criminals wander free and turning it over to God to sort 'em out. Something kept you from striking out at who did this to you. I had a friend who went after an abuser, lost control of herself, and ended up doing several years for some degree of assault. It was really sad. I know that is what the court system is for and I don't blame you one bit for not showing up for that death-bed thing. In cases of child abuse and physical abuse I am the last one to trumpet forgiveness because I think that (verbal) confrontation is what is truly healing to people, when the perpetrator is confronted with his misdeeds by the victim, and asked to give an explanation, and hopefully volunteers an apology. Forgiveness comes after that, if it comes at all.

What I was talking about was more along the lines of an eye for an eye. For instance, someone here recently copied and pasted pm's of mine and shared them with others, which caused a lot of drama and caused someone to retaliate on me. I also have many pm's in my inbox, but I am not willing to do what was done to me, because I think it is wrong to share private messages. I could do it, causing even more drama and consternation (and ironically one of the results would be that the two antagonists in this drama would most definitely not be quite so fond of each other). However, it would only be for the sake of 'revenge', and would not make me feel one bit better about this situation; plus then I would be the kind of person who forwards other people's private messages around the lounge, which is someone I don't want to be. That is the kind of thing I was talking about, in reference to my own personal situation, not in reference to letting criminals roam free. In my situation I don't think that is is my place to 'punish' anyone, even though their actions have caused me a fair bit of harm. I really believe it will take care of itself, and I won't have had to sacrifice a shred of my integtrity for that to happen. It just takes longer this way sometimes.

[demrabble]

58. Forever

I hold grudges for a very long time.

I tend not to forget (or forgive) slights to me.

I guess it comes from how I was treated as a child.

[Midlodemocrat]

59. I don't. I exact revenge instead.

And that totally works for me.

[wildhorses]

60. if i have truly forgiven then i have totally forgotten about it

soemthings i remeber longer than others, though

[BreweryYardRat]

61. For serious shit, a long-ass time.

Not-so-serious shit gets forgotten forgiven after a decade or so.

[Radical Activist]

63. It depends.

I try not to hold onto anger. But there are certain things where I remind myself not to trust that person again or even not association with them.

[enigmatic]

64. That's me, also

If it's a pattern with them, I don't trust (or associate) with them anymore. Saves me alot of grief...

[Manifestor_of_Light]

65. not too long

I have had a number of people blow up at me and get mad at me unexpectedly. Then after that I avoid them. I assume they think I am a complete jerk, because I don't like to be yelled at.

I quit speaking to my aunt because she gave me a commercial for Jesus when I called her and told her my mom (her sister) had died.

[Burma Jones]

67. Personal? Not that Long...Sports Teams? My Entire Life

I detest the Detroit Tigers because they beat the Cardinals in the 1968 WS. I was 7, my Grandfather played in the Cardinals' farm system for a couple of years, so I was rooting for the Cards.

I hate the Jets because they beat the Colts in Super Bowl III and the Mets because they beat the Orioles in the 1969 WS

I figure it's better to save my hate for sports teams than for actual people.....

[devilgrrl]

68. I hold grudges for years...

I still want to belt my second grade teacher and several people I grew up with.

Guess that's the Sicilian in me - we never forget.

[Ramsey]

69. If I have a grudge

It's forever, Because for me to hold a grudge, someone had to do something unforgivable.

[Zavulon]

70. I can forget, but I don't forgive - so I guess the answer to your question is

"as a general rule, forever." If by "grudge" you mean an active dislike, with me they fade away. However, if you mean "unwilling to ever let that person back to the level he or she started with you before pissing you off," the answer is "forever." Life's too short to waste time with people who aren't your cup of tea, and I don't give second chances because there are so many out there that haven't exhausted their first ones yet.

[ThomCat]

72. That depends.

Some people, sometimes, I never forgive.

Other people, sometimes, I'll forgive but I'll never forget. I won't dislike them, but I'll never trust them again.

But most people, I'll forgive and forget very quickly and easily.

So I guess I just don't have a short easy answer.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

73. its a comprehensive answer. and i feel much the same way as you.

did you check out my "immoral" thread?

[Karenca]

74. I don't think I would call it "holding a grudge".

I just forget about those that hurt me.

Why try the milk again if it was sour the first time?

[Xipe Totec]

75. I hold to my Spanish and Aztec roots

"If I die, I forgive you. If I live, we'll see..."

- Spanish proverb

"Forgive?
Never forgive,
Say amiably that you forgive.
Convince that you have forgiven.
Thus, devastating is the effect
When at last you lunge
And reach for the throat."

- Aztec poem

I still haven't forgiven or forgotten a grudge from my teen years, more than three decades ago.

Forgiveness is just not in my nature.

Settling accounts is my vice.

[begin_within]

76. I'm willing to wait years to get back at someone for something.

[DainBramaged]

77. A LONG time

Keeps the juices flowing, along with squirrel........, never mind.

[Ariana Celeste]

78. Depends on what pissed me off to begin with.

Most of the time I get over it pretty quickly.

[MsKandice01]

79. I can't hold a grudge to save my life....

I give it about a day and that's about as long as I can go. I can PRETEND to still be mad longer than that when I deem it necessary but I'm just faking.

[MonkeyFunk]

81. I guess it depends

on how long I live.

[KitchenWitch]

83. I get mad really quickly and get over it almost as quickly

My husband on the other hand does the slow burn. I think he still has grudges from childhood.