On the past, and ambition not being enough for all of us

[BluePatriot]

Sigh.

I found out via MySpace that my HS ex is in his second year of med school on a Carribean island. (No, it’s not likely he is lying.)

The guy I married is a courier.

So…am I scum for caring? I think what I care about most is the ambition. HS guy wound up being an ass and way too devoted to his own projects, but, my hubby lacks any drive to do anything but play Yahoo pool all day. Something in the middle would be good, at least.

I wish sometimes I didn’t get married and followed the grad school track. Is that wrong, too? I never wanted to be a doctor/nurse/lawyer, though I have a fair aptitude for the lawyerly stuff. I might get an MBA one day just to get one...My BA is in English and I’m currently severely underemployed. The business degree could be helpful with my goal to work with a non-profit. Currently I’m on a grant writing committee. Having the heart and idealism to work with/run a charity plus the shrewdness to run it like a business and deal with businesses on their terms when soliciting is something I’m not seeing much with my org.

I do enjoy the growth and perspective I am getting from the “real world” vs. sheltering myself in grad school and falling flat on my face. But, I do find myself running daily into the soft discrimination of low expectations (yeah, that’s a Shrub paraphrase, but it does fit my observations on how I’m treated as a young pink-collar woman very, very well) And how my ex is doing just makes me feel, well, incredibly lazy, like I’ve fallen behind some script I’m supposed to be following. Which is stupid. Everyone has their own life. It just throws into stark contrast the feeling I’ve had for a while that I could be doing a lot more with myself.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess I find myself envious of the success of others because my life has been sucking. And I know it’s low, and wrong. But the bootstrap thing isn’t working out for me. The Texan old-boys club doesn’t think young ladies wear bootstraps at all.

[unpossibles]

1. I understand it, but don't let it get to you

look at it this way - the ex is probably still an asshole, just a richer one. The SO - I can understand the frustration, but if he is happy, that's his life. You should try to communicate your frustration with it though if it is a deal-breaker. Honestly, it sounds like you might be unhappy with your own life and you're projecting that onto these two people a bit. Again, this is understandable but not totally fair either. if you want to go to grad school, do it, but do it for the right reasons, and understand that it is an ordeal in itself and will not necessarily make you happy but it might.

Ambition is like greed - are the people who have it ever really satisfied or must they constantly feed it? It is good to have goals and some drive, but those must be realistically balanced. Perhaps you and your SO should look into some fun activity you both could do, like taking a class together (dancing, cooking, wine appreciation) or some other activity like biking or hiking?

[BluePatriot]

2. Thanks.

And I know you are right about a few things. Hubby's lack of drive isn't a deal-breaker. He praises me for being a positive influence on him. For example, his parents recently took him out to a celebratory dinner to celebrate passing a weekend college course. Not an "A," PASSING. (actually he may have gotten a B or A) I told him I thought this was silly and that I have higher expectations of him because I love him. And you know what? I think he likes that.

He is honestly puzzled why I don't enjoy my little lazy-job more, though, and he could be right, I mean, I have the rest of my life to be busy with things, and we have $$$ left over for fun and savings. To me content=complacent, though. The only thing that drives me to change is dissatisfaction with my circumstances, which is a bit sad if you think about it.

The ex is really an example of ambition gone wrong. But I miss having some expectations around for success, the competition, the stretching of intelligence and potential. I don't get that in my life now. Except the expectation that I pop out kids which is another rant entirely, LOL.

*edit. typos. See how intellectually lazy I am getting? Argh!

[unpossibles]

3. my wife and I were having a similar discussion last night actually

she went straight through school into college into grad school, graduated with honors and now hates her job/career and wants to change. I am a few years older and took longer to get where I am for a variety of reasons, but try to balance drive with being happy/content. yes, some think I am lazy, but I also tend to think they are over-driven and there are those who think I am over-driven.

I guess it's all a combination of experience and perspective. My mom busted her ass for 40 years and died in her sleep of an aneurysm. As the person who was taking care of her (at the age of 13), I blamed myself and was very self-destructive for about a decade before I realized I was an idiot, went back to school, graduated, and that you never know what life holds or how long you have, so you may as well enjoy it.

I do know that my ambition was a desire to stop being poor, but that I also don't really care about being rich either. So I made every effort to get a better job, etc. but to also not lose sight of the "big picture" - that I do not want to wake up at 50 and feel like I've wasted my life.

It's hard though. Sometimes I bust my ass and am very busy and stressed out (like lately..lol), but I guess I don't understand the people like my brother who are never satisfied even after they have "success."

Good luck to you though - it sounds like you need to do some introspection and soul searching, and good for you for being a positive influence on your SO. I credit my wife with the same. She grounds me a bit and pushes me, and I try to get her to lighten up a bit and remember to laugh and goof off. It's a good mix, even though it can be challenging at times. And those definitions can be fluid too - sometimes I am the one who needs to remember to laugh.

:)

[BluePatriot]

4. *nods*

Yeah, one of the reasons I am putting off school is that if I'm so unsure of what I like, why go into debt for it? (Don't get me started on forcing 18 yr olds to pick a life track in school and follow it forever)

I like writing. I blogged for a while and then became more active on DU and it's really helping me keep my sanity. I know I can find friendly acquaintances here and mind-feeding viewpoints. I feel like working on my social skills is helpful. My recent volunteering efforts make me feel pretty good. This job does stink, though -- I have done nothing but surf the Internet all morning, and they think I do a "great job." I work at so fast of a pace that I feel their standards of what a good job "is" are really low. The work level is artificially set by 2 or 3 people above me. I sense they don't want it obvious I can out-produce them. Very stupid. I would really like to be earning my pay. Why do they think I am so great??? I actually think I may have a bit of this:

http://www.impostersyndrome.com/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_Syndrome
http://www.counseling.caltech.edu/articles/The%20Imposter%20Syndrome.htm

One of the reasons I would like some conventional success is to feel like I have the ability to control my own "destiny," as it were. I feel like money gives people more choices and helps them open more doors. Except, when I think about it, is someone spending 60+ hours a week working for someone else really in control over anything at all?

Maybe I'll just be happier with a fuller life and more to do after all this dues-paying stuff settles down.