Well, I think it's possible most Loungers were right. My - date - last night

[crim son]

was not what I'd hoped. I don't know whether to attribute it to political differences or not. We did start arguing over politics but it evolved into a discussion of my grotesque personal flaws and HE MADE ME CRY at a fucking restaurant. I don't do crying in public very often although admittedly it's happened in the past months more than once. We left immediately and then talked it through. He kept saying "I don't want to work that hard." What makes me sick at heart is that I really don't blame him. Obviously my life is a mess but he was right about what he said were my issues.

Ah, whatever. I'm waiting on the email that tells me that he's decided it's too much work. I'm stupidly disappointed and I sincerely hope you guys can be easy on the "I told you so"s. I think this might be more of a personality conflict. Boo. Hoo. -L

edited for writing like a moron

I'm going to go think about things for a while. Thank you so much for letting me spill my guts but let's be honest here - do you think you can stop me? :grouphug: :P

[BuelahWitch]

1. I'm sorry this happened to you

Crying in public sucks. No "I told you so's" from me, I've been disappointed in supposed "wonderful new men" enough times to know what it's like. :hug:

[crim son]

38. It's been so long since I've done this and that's what I kept telling him.

One forgets tact. Anyhow, thank you. :hug:

[wildhorses]

2. let me get this straight--

you are still in the same house with your husband, right? have you guys filed for separation yet? when will your divorce be final?

[crim son]

5. We have not filed for legal separation yet.

The plan is to wait until I am employed and can pay for my own health insurance. It may sound like either a typically wishy-washy situation or else very stupid, but our marriage has been over for many years. I've slept in another wing of the house since 2001. My husband has already bought his own house in another town. We're through but for practical reasons (the kids, the inlaws) we are doing everything very deliberately. Also, we agreed on this just under twelve months ago so it's not a novel situation.

You think this has something to do with my fuckupedness? Me too, but it's also a matter of how defensive I've become after living all these years with a man who finds emotions distasteful, unless they're his. I'm not going to lie awake nights over the date-guy but I'm afraid he might be right about my having issues and being unaware of some of them.

[bertha katzenengel]

15. "my fuckupedness"

:(

[wildhorses]

yes, darlin' i have to agree with him

you know i love you and want the best for you but, look at this the other way around: would you date a guy if he was in your situation? i wouldn't.

i know you are lonely and hurting and wanting companionship but, you have A LOT to work through before you can truly offer someone an adult, mature relationship with a level playing field.

one thing though...this guy is effed up too. he would have to be to even consider dating someone who is at this juncture of their life.

has your husband NOT moved out? if he has own place he needs to go ahead and do it.

just my .02 :shrug:

focus on yourself and your kids and your friends right now, the rest will happen (or maybe it won't and THAT is the sucky part...i know cos that is where i am:eyes:)

first question i ask and men too --- how long have you been divorced --- at the very least the divorce needs to be one year old...and then issues have not been resolved --- they come up in so many ways, whether the person can see them or not, the new partner can. this is one thing that happened to thesmoker and me. he had barely been divorced one year and the holidays were his first without his typical family scene. he pretty much fell apart and it was NOT fun for me to have to see that. NEVER AGAIN will i put myself through that.

didn't mean to preach a semon. sorry, you had a crappy date :hug: at least you had one ;)

eidted for the typical typos and grammar

'The plan is to wait until I am employed and can pay for my own health insurance' can that NOT be provided for in the divorce agreement or at least in the separation agreement?

[crim son]

23. I'm unwilling to put too much on the board. I'll PM you. n/t

[wildhorses]

25. okay and feel free to me to STFU

and mind my own business;)

[crim son]

28. I wouldn't do that!

I'd just put you on ignore :P

[wildhorses]

32. oh you!!!

how passive/aggressive!!!

i like it :evilgrin:


:rofl:

[mainegreen]

3. I'm sorry. Doesn't sound like fun.

:grouphug:

PS
It's moran!
;)

[crim son]

7. The little guy is exceptionally cute (your boy, I mean)

It wasn't fun! Beyond that I'm not sure what to think.

[Rhythm]

4. *tight hugz*

I'm sorry this went so terribly...
it's his loss.

[crim son]

9. Normally I'd say that

but his point was that I'm not a great loss if I'm so difficult to contend with. He's right about that.

[Rhythm]

19. Quit with the self-deprication... i have my doubts that you're that difficult

As adults, we ALL come with 'baggage'... that's a given.
Any guy who thinks that he's going to find a non-teenaged female who's a 'blank page' is a USDA grade-A prime moran.

By contrast, it would seem that this would be the lesser loss for you in not being tortured by someone impatient, looking for the 'easy path'.

And he's an ass beyond compare for bringing you to tears, especially in a public setting.
Totally inexcusable.

We all KNOW how amazing a person you are...
It is indeed his loss if he doesn't want to spend the time getting to know that as well.
Frankly, if we all lived in the same area, you'd have a line around the block of guys (and gals as well, i'm sure) bugging you to take you out.

[crim son]

27. Too sweet.

It's strange but you guys know me much better than he does. I think that if he knew me better he would feel differently but what was a shock was how quickly he said "fuck it", you know?

Thanks, ThinkBlue 1966. :hug:

[Guava Jelly]

6. Well relationships 'ARE' work

:hug:
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Mr Left is out there you just haven't met him yet.
I'm here for support No "I told you so's" out of me.
:pals:

[crim son]

10. I'm willing to work,

hell I've worked to keep it together for my kids for almost two decades.

Thank you. I know what you PMd me last night is true: my little adventure last night was more proof. :hug:

[Maine-ah]

8. aw, I'm sorry to hear it Crim son

:hug:

[crim son]

11. But not surprised.

:rofl:

I am, totally.

[Maine-ah]

51. actually, yeah, I'm a little surprised.

I always give the benefit of the doubt to people who claim they're republicans, 'cause they're just misinformed. But, he sounds like he was a real dink last night.

[Omphaloskepsis]

12. At least you didn't waste a year on the guy.

This would have eventually happened. Now you can move on.

Good luck. And he sounds like a dick. You can do better.

[crim son]

14. Maybe so, he might be a dick.

I wish it was crystal clear because what I heard was him being right about me but not seeing his own issues. Now, that's exactly the way I am, and I expect people to deal with it. But why the hell should I?

You know? This relationship is unlikely to work, but he's made me think about what a tough bitch I've become. Don't like it, Omph.

Where's that new haircut picture?

[Lydia Leftcoast]

21. "might be"?

If a guy makes you cry on a first date, there's no "might be" about it.

I agree with the advice to hold back on dating until you get your situation straightened out.

[crim son]

29. Yeah, me too.

It's good advice.

[Omphaloskepsis]

22. He left it a little long on the top.. My sis is going to trim it a bit.

Yes, those are bags of beer cans in my room. Yes, I did take this pic with a webcam.

[crim son]

31. Cool!

It is hard to tell from the picture what is the overall look, but what I see, I like.

[Omphaloskepsis]

43. I kinda miss the afro..

I didn't realize how cold it is outside. It might be a good time to go pick up a hat.

[Little Wing]

49. hey, that's me 10 years ago

woot!

[Maineiac]

57. Crim son, My dearest friend

We've been friends for almost a year now and you are many things (intelligent, opinionated, beautiful, strong willed) but a tough bitch? I think not. Give yourself a little credit.

[bertha katzenengel]

13. "a discussion of my grotesque personal flaws" -- what an asshole

he is. I'd beat him so badly you wouldn't recognize him anymore.

I am sorry. :hug:

[crim son]

17. Those are my words, not his!

But he was so angry to be disappointed by me and I was so sad. Later he said that he wouldn't have been so angry had he not cared - then he acknowledged how boorish that sounded: "I get mad because I care!"

Thank you for the hug. :hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

24. That's even worse.

:hug:

[Whoa_Nelly]

30. Back away from him

What you just wrote about his responses is a red flag. He shows the indication of being an emotional manipulator.

He was angry about being disappointed in you? He hardly knows you! By becoming angry about being disappointed in you is using what is known as Power Over in diminishing you emotionally.
Red Flag.


And then saying he wouldn't have been so angry had he not cared? This is a classic response by someone who is a verbally and/or emotionally abusive person.

You are not the problem. :hug: :pals:

[crim son]

33. In this case it's because

our initial few meetings were overwhelmingly good and we went too quickly in terms of expressing emotions and not thoughts. It's a bad idea and I have learned from this mistake. I hope!

[Whoa_Nelly]

41. Dear crim...

It's OK to have a relationship start out overwhelmingly good, and it's OK to have expressed emotions early if that's where the developing relationship heads. You are NOT to blame for him being a jerk. You are NOT responsible for his responses.

It could be that you've only learned what is a bad idea in terms of having this guy in your life, and what you THINK you should have done differently, how you might have responded, acted, in order to keep things going: My advice: don't go there. You are not the problem. You are not to blame. You were yourself with this guy, and he was not accepting of who you are, where you are in your life. His responses only clarify that he wants you to be different than who you really are.

If you two were compatible in any way, shape or form for a relationship of any kind, you should never feel you were wrong in expressing and being yourself 100%.

Many :hug: :hug: :hug: for you
I have to go to an appointment, and will be back later to check on you here....and am here if you need a friend to listen. :hug:

[Midlodemocrat]

60. Major fucking asshole.

I'm with you, Bertha. He deserves to have the shit kicked out of him for that.

[huskerlaw]

16. I'm sorry...

:hug:

[crim son]

37. Thanks. I appreciate it.

It's all sort of silly. I will put it out of my head.

[GenDem]

18. Silver lining

You found out before there was time for an emotional attachment to form. If you had moved into a more serious relationship this could have been devastating.

I've been, pretty much, happily married for almost thirty years so I am not the person to give you any advice. I can honestly say that being single would scare the shit out of me. The only thing I can say is try to take it 'One Day at a Time', and don't be so freaking hard on yourself.:hug:

[crim son]

39. I am scared shitless for sure!

Most of the time anyway. You are correct about the silver lining and I will choose to look at it that way - because it's true!

[Whoa_Nelly]

20. You do NOT have grotesque flaws!

You are a beautiful, smart and extremely capable woman. Considering all you have been doing in even just the last year of your life--school, the kids, willing to live in the situation you are in until the house sells....and more!

Don't you dare blame yourself, dearheart...not even for one moment! He "doesn't want to work that hard" sounds like an immature cop out, no matter how nice, kind, funny and smart as he seems to be (and probably is), AND it's more than likely this is just not the right timing for him to enter into a serious friendship, relationship or anything close to that (maybe HE has problems with being too close with others....likes to keep it more "fun" than "real".)

But, no matter what the case is with him, YOU are not flawed. You are to be admired for what you've been through already in your life, for the wonderful mother you are, and all your other personal and professional accomplishments! You have consistently shown strength, insight, and the ability to be a sensitive, creative, and very caring person, and I highly doubt any of that will ever change with you.

Please don't hold yourself up as the one to blame for this not to work out...and if he doesn't write what you are expecting, and still wants to see you, please ask yourself if you really want to see someone that stirs up negative feelings about yourself.

You know I am in your corner 100% Always! :hug:

[crim son]

35. During this conversation here I've written him and said it won't work.

Your comments mean a lot to me. A lot.

[ThomCat]

26. I'm sorry, :(

He's clearly an idiot. x(

[crim son]

36. Maybe it's being told I'm a freak for all these years

but I honestly don't blame him entirely. That doesn't make it worth pursuing the relationship however.

[ThomCat]

50. Lots of us have been told for years that we're freaks

for one reason or another. :(

There have to be people there somewhere who will like you as much as we do. You're not a freak. At least, not in a bad way. :)

[InvisibleTouch]

34. Dump the creep and forget about him.

I'm not a big advocate of "working things through" myself. Life's too short and fragile to waste on people who upset you. And anyone who berated me about my "grotesque personal flaws," in public, no less, would be told in no uncertain terms to go to hell.

On edit: don't wait for him to e-mail you and break it off. Take control of the situation and end it yourself. With a few choice words, I might suggest. ;)

[crim son]

40. I did email him a couple minutes ago.

Kindly though because I can't rouse any anger at the moment.

[InvisibleTouch]

42. Either way, you'll feel better...

...if you make the break, rather than waiting for him to do it to you. It's about self-empowerment. Good for you! And better luck with the next one.... (You know what they say: Men are like busses. If you miss one, the next one will be along in five minutes. ;) )

[crim son]

44. That's true about men. But

I only ever find one in a thousand worth... riding... :rofl:

[Pierre.Suave]

56. Oh the possibilities

for a smart ass reply are endless...

Anyway, that guy is an ass, don't let him get you down, and don't let him get to you.

Any guy that would do any of that stuff to someone is not worth your time.

What you need is a very kind guy to hug you, and tell you he loves you, that you are worth loving, and all that good stuff. Not a jerk that tells you how awful you are, thats not good for you.

Forget this asshole and go find a real man. one worth riding...

[Little Wing]

45. I live in New England

Go on another date, give me directions, and I'll beat his stupid GOP ass up and down the block.

Howz that for a plan?

[Midlodemocrat]

61. .

:thumbsup:

[Callalily]

46. So sorry to

hear about your date. I can't imagine being so disrespectful. People can have differences, and differences of opinion, but that's no excuse for a personal attack.

Don't dwell on this situation too much, it's not worth it. Just learn from it and move on. You should really be taking care of yourself right now and your kids, the rest will fall into place, whatever the rest may be.

[SarahB]

47. Ok, I'll get a little personal.

Three years ago, I was a trainwreck. I was 32 years old, 4 kids, and stuck in a marriage I was miserable in. For years, my ex had prescription drug problems (and far too frequent for my comfort marijuana use) and things were improving in that department, but he continually "reminded" me of what he was "giving up" for me. That was his idea of recovery at the time. Not mine. We were so bad that we were kicked out of marital counseling. We spent over a year under the same roof knowing we were divorcing. One big mess. To be honest, I know that when I was here on DU then I looked like a nut to a lot of people. I probably was. I think I had a few things going for me at that time- 1.) I was back in school and actively working toward another degree, 2.) I was working on myself really trying to figure out exactly what I wanted in life and 3.) the double-edged sword, I was probably at my physical peak looks-wise and was able to attrack them like flies to honey. I got into a few relationships during that year that I can't say were with terrible people, but I can say those choices of relationships were not right for me. The thing was that I wasn't free to really be in another relationship. "Planning" on divorce or not, I was not a free woman.

I will say not that it was not until I was 100% free (divorced and on my own two years ago) until I was able to have someone come into my life and truly even be able to have a decent relationship. At the point too, I really didn't care about relationships for several months. School, work, and my kids had become the priority and I realized that anyone who came into my life would have to be willing to to bend a lot. I also had enough confidence to know that in return, they'd be getting a smart, loving, supportive, and reasonably sane person in return if such a person did show up. The point is that I didn't need anyone, so I was finally free to have something good come into my life.

My now-husband admired me from afar to speak for some time, but I thought he was too boring and vanilla in all honesty. Turns out I was very wrong and we are so suited suited for one another that if I had to conjure up someone I was suited for, I doubt I could do any better. We're not perfect, but we work and we bring out the best in each other. That I like.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that somehow you need to work out your old marriage stuff. Not to stay married, as it sounds like that's long over, but to get out. You are never going to be free to have a good relationship until you do. You also need to really look at what you want and need without settling for what you don't. Do whatever work it takes within yourself to not beat yourself for past mistakes. Your kids need a functioning mom first. Until you can feel good about yourself enough to not blame yourself for the behavior of a$$hole guys, you will not be able to have a decent relationship. Period. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. If it does, I'm sorry because I understand your hurt probably more than anyone here. I've just been there and gotten through the other end. You can get there too.

[Connonym]

48. Good riddance to the bastard

I don't know your whole situation Crim but I know how hard it is to start dating again after being married. My ex was very emotionally manipulative and my self-esteem took quite a beating. The results weren't pretty. It's been 6 years now and I look back on some of the relationships that I got into shortly after my divorce and I can't believe how much crap I accepted because I thought I didn't deserve more. Hang in there hon. There are better men out there, I believe that in my heart. PM me any time you need a shoulder. I've been where you're at (approximately :) ).

[some guy]

52. I'm sorry for your hurt

:hug:

Things started off bad, and got worse. The guy should have called as soon as he knew he was going to be late, to let you know he was going to be late. That's courtesy, and he is apparently lacking that.

If he doesn't "want to work that hard." then he doesn't want a relationship, he just wants sex. And starting from that attitude and position, it would be all about him, and not even about shared pleasure.

I don't read all your posts, so I don't know everything you've written. I am aware your life is not perfect - whose is? You deserve better than this guy, though. Relationships do take effort.

I hope you have a lovely weekend.


:hug:

:hi:

[Starbucks Anarchist]

53. I'm sorry.

:hug:

[mentalsolstice]

54. I'm glad you're backing out of this one!

Good for you! He sounds like the type that will blame you for his emotional problems and feelings. Men can be insanely territorial, so perhaps he had issues with your living situation. However, those were HIS issues and there's a better way to work them out than to berate you and make you feel bad. If he did it last night, on a first date, then he'd do it for a lifetime.

:hug:

[LynneSin]

55. If I had a nickel for every bad date that I had - I'd be a rich woman

:pals:

[Wapsie B]

58. He made you cry on a date?

Uh no way in hell does any sane man do that to a woman on a date. But we're talking about a repug here. Just stay away from him.

[Aristus]

59. Oh baby...

:hug:


No "I-told-you-so's" here. Just hugs and sympathy. Doesn't want to work that hard? What an assholistic jerk! Even the best relationships require their share of hard work. My wife and I adore each other and can't imagine life without the other. But it does take work. Not the least of which reasons is our political differences. We love each other regardless...

You deserve much, MUCH better, crim son. Don't settle. And no matter how much of a mess your life is right now, don't take the first guy that comes along. Be patient. Very few men deserve a woman like you. Wait for him. And however long it takes, we are here with you, loving you and pulling for you.

Dump him.

Please?

:grouphug: <------------ DU-ers and crim son.

[SPKrazy]

62. No I told you so's here

you know that I only want you to be happy no matter what :hug: :hug: :hug:

:loveya:

[Shell Beau]

63. Well, damn that sucks!!

:hug:

[PassingFair]

64. He lost all sympathy at ....

republican.

Sorry.