I can't seem to cry...

[deepthought42]

I'm scared. I'm shaking...but I can't seem to cry. I can't let myself. I suppose I have to be the calm one. No one else can in the house...

Besides, I would never choose that "mother" of mine over my sister. There is no contest. I know where she's been and where she's going, in a sense. So I will be there for her, through all the ups and downs. Because I want to help her.

I don't expect my "mother" to ever leave. I can only hope to flee one day...

[SPKrazy]

1. ...

:hug:

i don't know what's up, but just :hug:

[deepthought42]

3. Oh, just my "mother" being herself...

and by that I mean yelling at all of us (to stop yelling, if you can believe it), telling us my 14yr. old sister is to blame for everything, yelling at us to shut up....threatening to ram into the car behind hers in the driveway if it's not moved to let her out (unfortunately she didn't leave)...

And people wonder why I'm going back to college...


Thank you. :hug: :(

[SPKrazy]

9. dayum...

no, go back to college and get the hell out of there!

:hug:

[deepthought42]

13. Thank goodness my college is out-of-state! heh n/t

[Redstone]

10. Go to college, or just GO, and don't go back. Lots of us have done that.

Redstone

[deepthought42]

12. Yup. I agree. I'm going to grad school in the fall.

I want to do this right. I will not let her screw up my life because she's a hateful bitch (ok, I'm getting a little angry at her...). But after grad school...I've already decided after that I'm out of here.

[Redstone]

25. No. Not AFTER. Not LATER...NOW. Trust me on this one.

Redstone

[deepthought42]

29. I know...I'd be gone if I could...

unfortunately that would mean living in my car and abandoning my little sister...and I can't do that. Poor thing is scared enough at the thought of it...

[Redstone]

31. Aha. The sister changes the equation. OK, wait until you can take her with you.

Redstone

[deepthought42]

36. That or wait til I can afford to live nearby...

I love Annapolis, but it's too damn expensive...

[grace0418]

53. Oh, dear, that sounds so familiar. My mother is just as toxic.

You *will* get past this though. Just keep reminding yourself and your sister that this is not your fault and it is not normal or acceptable behavior. I still carry scars from my mom (I'm 37) but I know I would be much worse off if I didn't have my siblings to realize that it was my mom who was crazy and wrong, not me.

:hug:

[deepthought42]

55. Yikes. That is horrible...

:hug:

Oh believe me, we all know she's crazy...my poor sister, she realized it at a young age...

[Danger Mouse]

2. My friend...

:hug:

[deepthought42]

4. Oh thank you...

it's too bad you're not close enough to rescue us, you loser...heh

[Danger Mouse]

6. i am a loser, truly...

cause i can't help you.
but you know i care lots.
for what it's worth.

[deepthought42]

7. You can get your loser butt down here and kick her ass...

I know, horrible thing to say, but not all mothers are created equal...sigh

[Danger Mouse]

11. Where are you again? =P

Your mom needs a whuppin? I can take care of you...for a price.

[deepthought42]

14. What price???

ha ha ha... I'm trying to keep the sense of humor up.

I'm in MD!

Do you know what a great song "Down with the Sickness" by Disturbed is? :evilfrown: :evilgrin: :evilfrown: :evilgrin:

[Danger Mouse]

15. Yes, I enjoy that song, for some weird reason.

Ah yes, I remember now...I had told you that I went to college in MD. Hey, if I were still living in Baltimore, your mom's knee caps would be as good as broken. :P

[deepthought42]

16. Oh but she's got enough problems...

having to put up with 2 ungrateful kids and horrible husband... :eyes: Nevermind that she wants all this crap but refuses to get a freakin' job...

I am really liking this song right now for some reason... When they performed this song last year @ OzzFest... :headbang:

[Danger Mouse]

18. I'm really fond of Taproot's 'I'...ever hear it? If not, give it a listen...

you might identify with it...
I always do...

[deepthought42]

21. No, but since I'm on the computer...

perhaps I'll open up Limewire... :evilgrin:


Oooo, "Fuck It" by Seether...another fave. I made a playlist on WMP. :evilgrin:

[Danger Mouse]

Give it a try...

"I hate myself sometimes...I love myself..."
Also, 'Mirror' by Dream Theater is great 'angry' music if you like prog rock :D

[deepthought42]

28. What would I do w/o music?

What would you do?

:headbang:

[Danger Mouse]

43. Lose my mind, I guess...

Music is incredibly important to me and my moods. I always listen to music when driving, and always have a ton of music to suit my various moods. It is my primary means of calming...

[deepthought42]

45. Oh me too...the greatest thing about having a car

is getting to crank up whatever music I want to listen to...

[Danger Mouse]

48. Nothin like it...

What sort of music you like? I've gotten an idea already, but outside of metal...do you like prog rock? Hip hop? Trip hop?

[deepthought42]

50. I don't listen to much of those...

Mostly rock, but some pop, new age, classical, broadway, rap......

[Danger Mouse]

51. If you like rap...then check out Sage Francis if you haven't already. See my sig line? =D

Broadway? I'm a big Sondheim fan. :D
Classical? What composers?

[deepthought42]

52. Oh a little here and there...

Eminem, especially "Mosh". Spamalot, Les Mis, Beauty & the Beast, Rent. Cage, Vivaldi, Beethoven, Faure... I love the 1st mvmt of Beethoven's 5th symphony... especially when the Recapitulation finally arrives, with the 1 theme in the I key... Who knew a 4-note motive w/1 interval of a descending minor 3rd could be so amazing? :D

[Danger Mouse]

56. i'm more into romantics myself...sooo...mahler and tchaikovsky for me...

heard mahler's 5th at Bard College performed by the American Symphony Orchestra a couple weeks ago...it was bliss :D
Seriously, you need to check out Sage. Very clever and introspective rapper who can suit any mood. He's also wickedly funny. Track down 'Gunz, Yo'...you'll appreciate it. :D

[deepthought42]

57. Ha ha, I'll have to do that this weekend...

no sound card at work sucks.

Ah, Romanticism...emo for intellectuals. ;)

[Danger Mouse]

59. Bite me. Mahler rocks.

He turned a children's song into a funeral march for his first symphony. That's some serious bad-assery right there. I love Beethoven, too, but my favorite piece by him is the 'Emperor' Concerto...it has a serious emotional effect on me...most beautiful piece of music i've ever heard...
second most beautiful...mahler 5, movement 4...

[deepthought42]

62. I love Beethoven's piano sonatas...

Do you taste good? Otherwise I'm not biting you... :P

So...Taproot, Sage Francis, and Mahler. Anyone else? lol

[Danger Mouse]

65. haha, I could give you a million...

=)
DJ Shadow is fan fucking tastic, but it might not be your taste. I still suggest checking him out. He did a song with Radiohead called 'Rabbit in your Headlights' which is ass-kicking good.
Do you like 'The Emperor'?

[deepthought42]

69. Don't remember having heard it.

Most of the music I've listened to has been through chorus/applied voice classes. My favorite way to get into a song is by singing it. :)

[Danger Mouse]

71. you need to hear the 'Emperor' then...

it's beauty put to music.

[Gormy Cuss]

79. Oops .. wrong place.

This is a reply to Elrond and his Mahler/ASO post.

Was Leon conducting?
He's an interesting guy.

[deepthought42]

54. My first flaming thread...and it's because of personal drama?

For the love of the FSM, I'm a loser! ;)

[Danger Mouse]

61. Think of it this way...

it just goes to show you how much your fellow losers care about you. :hug:

[deepthought42]

63. Well...that is good to know... :) n/t

[Danger Mouse]

66. Well, it's the truth.

You're one of us now, for better or worse.
Face it, kid, you're stuck with us. :P

[deepthought42]

68. OH NO! ;) n/t

[Danger Mouse]

70. one of us...one of us...one of us...

[deepthought42]

72. LMAO!

EEK!

I'll listen to that piece when I get a chance... :)

[deepthought42]

73. Well, thank you very much all of you

:grouphug:

:toast:

:loveya:

I'm going to try and get some sleep, I'll be back in the morning!

[Danger Mouse]

74. See that you do or...

[wildhorses]

5. --

:hug:

[deepthought42]

8. ...

:hug:

[mentalsolstice]

17. Been there, done that...

and in my late 40s, I'm still doing that, and have many t-shirts to show for it. Get as much physical distance between you and her as you can. I can't say more, as I'm still in my own co-depenendent relationship with my mother, and I expect I will be until she dies. All I can say is...miles apart is a VERY good thing!

[deepthought42]

19. *hugs*

I'm not co-dependent on her...I'm co- (and financially) dependent on my father. Daddy's girl through and through. :D

I wish she could be happier....but she's the only one who can do that.

[mentalsolstice]

23. I urge you to read more about co-dependency

It's more intricate than simply saying I'm not dependent (esp. financially). And if it turns out you're not in a co-dependent relationship with her NOW, you need to know how to avoid it later...'cuz it's coming at you fast.

[deepthought42]

24. *shudder*

I think I'll be doing my best to avoid that...

[mentalsolstice]

40. Avoid it with everything you've got!

Moms are there to love (if you're a self-sufficient adult), but your purpose in life is not to bolster their self-esteem, security and confidence. That's a job no child should ever have to take on! If you can avoid doing so as a young adult, I'd advise you to run away as fast as the wind will carry you.

[deepthought42]

47. If only it were the fall already...

but at least this will motivate me to prepare for grad school. Hell, it motivated me to apply, and I got accepted. :)

I'm sorry any of us have had to endure this...it's not right.

[mentalsolstice]

58. Luckily...

you're young enough to see the situation for what it is! :thumbsup: I'm fortunate to have a supportive partner and be old enough that I'm no longer financially dependent...and 2 years ago my parents moved two states away, which has allowed for all kinds of excuses to avoid the "scene". However, my husband will tell you that any time I'm within a week of seeing "her", I'm a different person. All defenses go up. I know she'll no longer spank, belt, hit with hard objects, pull me across the room by my hair, etc., and then blame me for all of her insecurities. Yet, those defense mechanisms become instinctually heightened...

Get out while you can...unless you feel you have to stay in for a sibling...if that's the case, seek professional help.

[deepthought42]

67. I wish she would realize she needs it!

I'd like to think I'm sane enough to be able to handle my own shortcomings, but her...it's a whole other problem...

I'm ready for her to go to bed so I can get some sleep...sigh

[mentalsolstice]

76. Take care of yourself first!

Then dealing with (helping) her will be easier. If a long, hot summer, with nothing to do is a problem, do whatever it takes to get out of the house...VOLUNTEER...it will do you good (spiritually and professionally), and will establish your independence.

Good luck! and many :hug:s

I'm here if you want to talk...

[deepthought42]

78. i have 2 jobs and a car...woot! *hug* n/t

[Ariana Celeste]

26. I agree

speaking as a codependent myself.

:hug: to you deep, hope things get better for you. even those of us who have to be strong for others can still cry.

[deepthought42]

30. Thank you.

:hug:

[Kajsa]

20. Oh, deepthought- I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Aren't guilt trips a bitch?

And no one, but no one knows how to pull
them off better that moms. :crazy:

You take care of yourself.
You do what you need to do.

:hug:

[deepthought42]

22. I wish it were just a guilt trip...

but it went way beyond on that when she yelled at my sister to get out...oh and called her the 'b' word...yeah, I don't know what to say...

:hug:

[Kajsa]

34. Take care of yourself.

That's the best advice I can think of,
right now.

:hug:

[deepthought42]

37. Thank you, it helps knowing my fellow losers are here. :) n/t

[KitchenWitch]

35. Is there any way at all that your sister can come live with you at college?

[deepthought42]

39. No, she is just finishing the 9th grade...

too young and they would never let her leave.

[fizzgig]

27. c'mere sweetie

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

32. ...

hey you

no talk to today?

:(


:pals:

[fizzgig]

42. ...

:hug:

check your pm

[SPKrazy]

44. my pm is

not empty!

:hug:

[deepthought42]

33. how do you know I'm a sweetie?

they say laughter is the best medicine...I agree.

:hug:

[fizzgig]

38. i have no doubt you are a sweetie

:hug:

but yes, laughter is a fantastic medicine

[deepthought42]

41. I didn't need the Secret to tell me that... ;)

oh that's what I get for working in a bookstore...lol

[GoddessOfGuinness]

46. Dysfunction sucks.

:hug::hug::hug:

May I ask how old you are?

When I was growing up, my father was the one who hurled abusive language around and was occasionally violent. It wasn't until recently, (I'm 48), that I began to recognize how selfish, manipulative and bossy my mother could be. I guess I always just saw her as a victim.

Even though she can make me feel angry at times, I'm glad I have some understanding of what she's been through. I hope to god I'm not manipulative with my kids, and simply blinding myself to it...

[deepthought42]

49. Still young enough to get carded...

24...almost 25. Ready to move out, just need a job that pays the bills...

Sorry about your father. I am grateful to have mine... :hug:


Edit: speaking of alcohol...I could sure use a Guiness...

[GoddessOfGuinness]

60. What kind of job are you looking for?

[deepthought42]

64. Mmmmm

:beer: Thank you!

That phone looks kinda like mine.

That's one of the things I need to figure out in grad school. Two jobs now and I don't want to keep either forever...well...maybe the bookstore one. :D

[GoddessOfGuinness]

75. Any chance of getting an assistanceship?

It could help with rent issues...

Maybe you could rent a room in a house, which tends to be a little cheaper than apartment living.

[deepthought42]

77. I have no idea...

I don't know anything about those. Once I leave for school in fall, I will be w/o a job, unless I find one down there, which I may, but it won't be enough to support myself... hence my desire for a Master's degree. A BA in Music History doesn't do much...lol

[GoddessOfGuinness]

80. Where will you be?

There may be career counselors at the school who can give you a hand.
Also, there may be DUers nearby who know of job openings and good places to stay.