depression keeps getting worse, man... ugh

[bertha katzenengel]

it started when Grandma died, 10/27/06, and got progressively worse... i started drinking when i saw a duck get run over several weeks ago.

:banghead: make it end.

i know depression will pass. i've been through this many times. but GOD, it sucks. knowing it will pass does nothing to alleviate it.

thank you for listening, an anonymous place like this is a good place to tell secrets like this

[Kali]

1. sorry

wish I could help. Hug your kitties? They can sometimes absorb a bit of the pain.

[bertha katzenengel]

50. "Hug your kitties?" - have been

ty

[LeftyFingerPop]

2. Bertha...

I unfortunately have to leave now, but sometime when we are both posting at the same time, we can have a good talk about this.

What I would like you to know is that because of the depression, a lot of the things that you are feeling are unreasonably amplified, and more than likely, are not as bad as your mind sees them.

Also remember that there are people in your life that love you, probably more people than you realize.

:hug: :hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

51. "people in your life that love you" - it's one of the things that

keeps me going. i am not suicidal, but GOD this fucking sucks.

:hug:

[Gormy Cuss]

3. Sorry bertha.

:hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

52. Gormy

:hug:

[In_The_Wind]

4. gee whiz

so be good to you until this feeling passes

[In_The_Wind]

36. So? You wouldn't do this to one of your kitties ~ right.

My point was ~ please stop drinking. :hug:
I know more about your liver than most of our newer DUers and what alcohol could do to you.
Think about of your tomorrows instead of the bad yesterdays. m'kay

[bertha katzenengel]

53. oh, hell, i know, Joan, i know that was your point. today i asked

mrs. v. to pour out all the beer, and she did.

thank you for keeping my liver in your brain. (eh?) heh.

:hug:

[driver8]

5. Bertha -- please go and see a doctor.

There is no reason to suffer with depression....believe me, I know.

[MissMillie]

7. yep

there's more you can do to alleviate than recognizing that it will pass.

Your doctor CAN help.

:hug: (and hopefully a hug will help too)

[Connonym]

8. I agree wholeheartedly

If it's gone on for more than a couple weeks you really must see a doctor. I've been on antidepressants on and off for the past 20 years. About 8 years ago I finally figured out that going off them was a bad idea and I now take them every day and will for the rest of my life. It doesn't make you unnaturally happy or unable to feel, it makes you feel normal again. Normal sadness and happiness instead of black gloom all the time. I'm not ashamed to say that I take Prozac every day. I honestly think that I wouldn't be here today if I didn't get treatment.

:hug: Please take care of yourself.

[Roon]

24. I am on four anti-depressants

Zoloft, Buspirone, Risperdal, and seroquel for sleep. I think they saved my life too. My ex lover hated it when I took them because he couldn't control me when I was on them. So he made me quit. After we broke up I started taking them again. Thank God!!

[bertha katzenengel]

9. OH, yeah, heck yeah, i'm seeing a doc

no worries, thank you, driver8

[driver8]

10. You are very welcome.

Heck, I suffered long enough with this illness before I got help. I hate to think of anyone going through depression and feeling like I felt.

Best of luck to you and please keep us posted!

[Connonym]

26. I'm glad bertha katzenegel

I'm wishing you peace in your heart. I know that dark place you're in and I know that you can come back from there and back into happiness.

[prolesunited]

31. Perhaps he should tweak your meds or try something different

I would think the veil would have lifted by now.

I find a connection to nature and the earth helps me. When I'm feeling stressed, I enjoy the woods, the beach or a public garden. Yesterday, I spent the day digging in the dirt in my garden and listening to classical music. Is there something you enjoy that gets you out of your head for awhile?

[BarenakedLady]

6. I've been there

I'm sorry :hug:

Sometimes it's best to get help. Therapy and medication are the only things that have helped break that cycle of depression for me.

:hug:

[femmocrat]

13. Same here ... I'm a different person now.

I truly hope you find some relief, bertha.

:hug:

[ThomCat]

11. Hold on. Depressions pass.

:hug:

I hope the world seems like a much better place for you soon.

[bertha katzenengel]

54. it will, Thom

:hug: ty

[scarlet_owl]

12. I'm sorry you're going through this, Bertha.

I wish I could do more, but all I can do is :hug: :grouphug:

[bertha katzenengel]

55. hugs help, owl

ty

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

14. I've fought clinical depression since childhood

-without prescription drugs, I might add- although it DID turn me into a raging drunk in my 20s. I'll probably never know how I found the strength and will to put the bottle down back then.

Think of the GOOD when you're down. Don't give in to despair. Hold tight and fight for your mind. It's a fight you can WIN.

Trust me on this.

[Writer]

21. I second that - it IS a fight you can win.

I've also fought the Big D since childhood.

:hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

56. i can win. i've beat it before.

this is the worst it's come back since i did beat it before.

i do trust you.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

15. Hugs for you...

:hug::hug::hug:
Try to avoid alcohol (yeah, this is ME telling you that!). It will only make you more depressed.

Say, if you and Mrs V are interested in a free concert, I'm playing in St Mary's City on Friday night. Three Cornered Hat Suites, Concierto de Aranjuez, Capriccio Espagnol...all light pleasant fare. It'd be a very therapeutic evening for you.

I hope you feel better soon!
:loveya::loveya::loveya:

[bertha katzenengel]

29. I asked Mrs. V. to pour out all the beer while I'm at work today.

She doesn't have to worry about the hard booze. Never been much into that.

Unfortunately by Friday night we're too busy even to cook, GG. One day we will make it to one of your gigs; please know we ARE interested, we're just tired and introverted. :)

:hug:

[hunter]

16. Hello.

:hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

57. my friend

:hug:

[mopinko]

17. take care, honey. get some sleep.

i remember that mrs v has a snoring problem. sleep issues can rot your mind so fast. i have been taking melatonin lately, and it has made my sleep so much more restful. has a real positive influence on my fibro. harmless, inexpensive supplement, maybe worth a try.
BUT, i concur with the others here who advised seeing a doc. i know that is a path sometimes fraught with bs. but we are here to hold your hand if need be.
get better. we need you. the kitties need you.

[bertha katzenengel]

34. mopinko, i haven't seen you for a while, and

i can't thank you enough for your response here.

actually it's me w/ the big snore, and we've slept apart for months. and my sleep has been horrible lately, so the doc also started me on lunesta.

thank you, thank you - i wish we could get together for a coffee. :hug:

[mopinko]

37. me too

you and mrs v should find and excuse to come to chicago.

[bertha katzenengel]

39. I'd love to go to Chicago. Maybe next year.

:bounce:

Ooh -- Wrigley Field! would be the second draw. :)

[mopinko]

44. booo wrigley field.

we are sox fans here. "the cell" is a really great modern park. wrigley isn't what it used to be anymore, anyway.

[bertha katzenengel]

47. But it's history. I also want to see Fenway and Yankee Stadium

Although I detest the Yankees.

I was, though, thrilled for the Sox. :7 The AL almost always gets my support in the WS.

[mopinko]

48. well, that won't be the sox this year.

although we love them anyway.

[bertha katzenengel]

49. Could be the Halos.

O8)

[Kali]

40. have you had a sleep study?

I am a different person since getting on CPAP. Sleep Apnea is the great "unknown" epidemic - probably the cause of more other problems than obesity (and contributes to that as well!)

[bertha katzenengel]

41. Two. I'm close to sleep apnea, but not enough for the CPAP.

Sigh.

[Kali]

43. dang - well keep an eye on it because it can worsen with

time and you may benefit from treatment in the future. Here is hoping for better times for you.

[Iris]

18. Have you seen a doctor?

Nine months is a long time to wait for depression to pass, even when death is involved.

[bertha katzenengel]

58. yep. and i didn't start feeling it when she died.

of course i was inconsolable, but though the grief has stayed, the horror of the loss has subsided.

i only know that's when it started because i asked mrs. v. if she knew when it started.

i am definitely under a doctor's care. three, actually. ty

[crim son]

19. I've been there and empathize, right down to the drinking.

It does pass but in my case I needed antidepressants, lots of exercise to stimulate endorphins and enable me to sleep, and a constant string of diverting activities so I wouldn't dwell on my sad world. It's so hard and if you feel yourself going under do go talk to somebody. No doubt you know yourself very well, but don't allow yourself to suffer for too long. :hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

59. i'm seeing a therapist next week

i've seen her before, but i quit for various reasons. can't do that now.

:hug: crimmy

[GalleryGod]

64. Jeeez,Lisa

Thanks for the uplifting post!
:yoiks:

Get thee to an Apothecary !:wow:

[Writer]

20. Mine's been bad for the last couple of months, too.

It will pass, I'm sure of it! It always takes time to mourn a loss, too.

:hug:'s for you.

Writer.

[bertha katzenengel]

61. sorry to hear it writer

this is one place in which misery does not love company

:hug:

[Rising Phoenix]

22. poor girl

:hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

69. hey, you

:hug:

[Rising Phoenix]

91. ...

:hi:

[Zuiderelle]

23. ...

:hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

70. if only

i could accept that in person
:hug:

[Zoigal]

25. Sending you lots of

hugs, Bertha...hang in there.

[bertha katzenengel]

71. thank you, Zoigal

[supernova]

27. Damn, is it in the water?

I've felt lousy the past couple of months too. :-(

:hug: Feel better soon Bertha.

[bertha katzenengel]

72. you too, Nova

:hug:

[Ptah]

28. .

:hug:

silly smile for you:

[bertha katzenengel]

73. made me smile

thank you, L :hug:

[Haole Girl]

30. Hold on!

Yes, an anonymous place like this could, possibly, be a good place to tell secrets. I wish you well, and I wish all your secrets to remain just that (secrets). :hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

74. i'm holding

:hug: ty

[Catshrink]

32. Please take care of yourself...

for you
for Mrs. V.
for your critters
for us.

We need you, we love you.

:loveya:

[bertha katzenengel]

75. ...

:cry: wish i could tell you how your post made me feel, thank you

[soleft]

33. it's been the same for my gf since her grandmother died

Wishing you comfort and peace!

:hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

42. it's been 33 weeks - nearly eight months - and i still don't know how to live

without her in the world.

thank you :hug:

[soleft]

45. Have you tried writing about her?

My gf's written a couple of essays about her, and I think that's been helped some.

[bertha katzenengel]

76. a little - i listed these things that i remember about her

• Her plaque with the silverware from the Queen Mary
  
• Drinking her coffee out of a saucer – watching her tip the cup to leak a bit into the saucer, then sipping it
  
• Peeling an apple for Kenny (her husband) every day before he got home for lunch
  
• Scraping the burnt off of toast
  
• Making raisin bran out of bran flakes and raisins
  
• Making salad dressing out of mayonnaise, ketchup and relish
  
• Giving me Planter’s dry-roasted peanuts and Dr Pepper when I watched TV late at night (which must not have been very late) – watching “Truth or Consequences,” “What’s My Line,” and – one other…
  
• Suzy, the black & white dog
  
• Teaching me the piano with a piece called “Funny Face” – it made me laugh
  
• Playing her piano and singing hymns
  
• Various memories of church, including sitting in a pew next to her, seeing the wadded up Kleenex in her purse when she got us Doublemint Gum or butterscotch, and taking us to vacation bible school
  
• Picking tomato bugs off of her tomatoes – big, fat green things – and stomping them. Everytime I smell a ripe tomato on the vine I think of her

[elehhhhna]

46. talk to her. constantly.

She's still in your world.

Won't lecture you on the drinking but she might have...?

You're too good too smart too kind. You don't deserve this. Whatever help you're getting, get more.

Been there. It gets better. Incrementally.

XO,
Elena

[bertha katzenengel]

77. i have her picture on my desk at work and thought i should take it down

what do you think?

as for the woman who gave us cherry brandy as cough syrup... i don't know about the other :rofl: but she prolly would've told me to stop, if she knew

[elehhhhna]

87. I think you think you should put it somewhere else...

more personal maybe (home?) so you don't have to always maintan work composure when you see it?

[Critters2]

35. I've been there

and a couple of things really helped me.

First, see your doctor and get a physical. My worst depression turned out to be related to hormones. I've known others who had thyroid problems that set off bad depressions. Even if it's not something like this, your doc can prescribe meds which do help. Ask for them!!

Secondly, consider a support group. Emotions Anonymous helped me. There are other groups--NAMI support groups, GROW, others, where you'll be with people who know what you're going through and may have some useful strategies for dealing with it.

I know how bad this can be, please take care of yourself, and know you're in my prayers!

[no name no slogan]

60. secondend, and seconded

You nailed this one, twice. The two things that have helped me deal with my bipolar disorder:

1) Check out ALL physical possibilities. I discovered that I have a testosterone imbalance due to a damaged pituitary gland, which seriously affected my energy levels. I now take a synthetic testosterone which brings my levels up to "normal".

I also found out that I have sleep apnea, which prevented me from getting more than two hours of decent sleep each night. Once both of those were treated, I've been a lot better at handling my moods. And I have a hell of a lot more energy, too.

2) Support groups, support groups, support groups. I've gained more from support groups of other people with bipolar and depression than I ever have from a psychotherapist alone. There really is strength in numbers, and there's nothing like getting advice from other people who know what you're dealing with.

Best of luck bertha :grouphug:

[bertha katzenengel]

78. thank you, critters

been thinking of finding a grief support group, maybe my therapist can help me find one

[reyd reid reed]

38. I'm sorry

I wish I had a magic answer that would lift it, but...

:hug::hug::hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

79. ty, r.r.r.

your good wishes help plenty :hug:

[GenDem]

62. I understand how you feel

Been there numerous times, myself.

I hope that it passes quickly.

:hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

80. GenDem

thank you

[GalleryGod]

63. With all due respect,Bertha...I DISagree vehemently with

your last line.

[bertha katzenengel]

81. i've been burned, but not too badly

worst i ever got it was on that now-defunct forum-which-shall-not-be-named.

i'll take what comes to me. i had to tell about this.

thank you, GGod

[Matsubara]

65. The thing that bugs me about our society - we are told it's abnormal to be sad/depressed...

We're always told that we have to forever be positive and happy and smiling, which tends to make people bottle it up and turn it inward. Is it any wonder we're the most medicated society in history, on earth?

Of course there is chronic, clinical depression, that's another thing.

But there are things in life - our own mortality - the loss of loved ones, all sorts of things that are just devastating to deal with - especially in a society like ours that is so completely in denial about death.

There is not a day that goes by when it doesn't cross my mind, and it saddens me. But at the same time, I'm so happy to be where I am, with my beautiful family, still relatively young and healthy - which makes the sense of impending loss all that much more acute. If I had nobody and nothing to lose, maybe I'd still be as carefree as I once was.

Anyway, your feelings are totally normal. I lost my Grandma 11 years ago. My other one is still alive, but ate age 95, who knows? I'm now facing the eventual loss of my parents, which is something I was never emotionally prepared for - again, our national denial.

And I know what you mean about animals. On the Salton Sea trip I posted photos from, we found a tiny baby rabbit which was very seriously injured out in the heat. I was young at the time, so I thought the kindest thing to do was to "put it out of its misery, so I put it in a plastic bag and held it to the car's exhaust for several minutes until it died.

Since then I have sometimes felt horrible about that. It was the middle of nowhere - the nearest vet was probably at least an hour's drive away, but I really feel like I should have tried to save it. I didn't have the realization then about how precious and important each individual life is then.

:hug: hope this reply made some sense...

[Redstone]

66. Drinking is a bad, BAD idea when you're depressed.

Just some friendly advice.

Redstone

[SPKrazy]

68. That is true, self medicating is never good

it doesn't do anything for the depression and might even prolong it. Certainly if you are taking meds it can even be dangerous.

:shrug:

good point redstone

[bertha katzenengel]

82. the beer is gone - mrs. v. dumped it for me - i haven't looked for

the hard stuff. i doubt she dumped it because she knows i don't go there except when my cough is uncontrollable.

:hug: Redstone, you're my kinda guy.

[SPKrazy]

67. See someone

why suffer more than necessary

talk, meds, exercise, diet, meditation, whatever it takes. You are worthy of making the changes you need to feel better.

I get down a lot more than i wish i did, but i'm not into the throes of depression these days. Close, but not there.

Depression is nothing to be ashamed of either, it is the most common and most treatable mental illness there is.

Please don't be afraid to talk to someone, I'm glad you shared what you did and maybe that is enough. If you keep going down though, why wait it out, get some help.

If you had pneumonia, would you get some antibiotics? Or try to wait it out and see if your body or the pneumonia wins?

:hug:


Oh and these kind of secrets are really no big deal to share, lots of people have problems like this, and if you have secrets that you need to share, find someone you trust to do that with.

[bertha katzenengel]

83. i am -

mentioned new therapist appointment upthread, and i have three docs looking out for me.

ps god bless cindy sheehan

[SPKrazy]

84. sorry i didn't read the whole thread

glad you are getting help!

:hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

85. it's okay, dear

:hi:

[bertha katzenengel]

86. i am sick today. could it be because yesterday was my first day

without beer for about two weeks?

[Haole Girl]

88. Uh...

...possibly.

Hope you feel better soon!

:hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

89. ty kc2

i don't know about these things. tho't i might have the dee tees, whatever that is.

[Sanity Claws]

90. It's harder to come out of each spell of depression

You may have been able to come out of past depressions but past episodes do leave their toll, making it harder to come out of later episodes.
If you are reticent about seeing a M.D. or don't like prescription drugs, several OTC supplements can help. They include St. John's Wort, Sam-E, 5-HTP. Exercise and sunlight also help.

Good luck.