|
I have two sisters and I have had to watch my parents get treated like termites by my oldest sister. It is painful to watch and I hope and pray that someday she will get back all that is coming to her (she's a horrible, horrible person). It has gotten to the point where I have cut off my relationship with her. She is beyond anything you have ever seen or could imagine.
That said, your son doesn't sound like a horrible person; he sounds lazy. Forgive me if I'm totally wrong here, but it sounds like his biggest problem is that he knows eventually he'll get bailed out in one way or another. For instance, you gave him your living space and he abused it. You loaned him your car and he abused it. You took out a loan to pay him back money that you thought he'd spend to pay the oil bill and find a cheaper apartment, but he didn't. What you have to do is set up very clearly defined boundaries and stick to them (no matter what).
First, put everything in his name (the oil bill that isn't getting paid should not be in your name or else it becomes your responsibility) or get rid of it (the cable is taken care of already, but anything else, get rid of). Is the house in your name? How does he get away with not paying rent and not getting evicted? Let him be forced into a cheap apartment that he and his friends can afford (i.e., don't pay his rent, and if he pays rent to you, don't let him get away without paying - evict him for his own sake). That tough love thing can actually work if it's done for the right reasons and with love as the intention.
Second, no more loaning him the car or doing little favors for him. Make him grow up and find ways to solve his problems (without your help). This is really hard, especially for a loving mother like you. But, you must do it to save him and to save yourself.
Third, tell him that you are doing these things out of love. Make it very explicit that you want to help (but will NOT) and that you are not helping because you love him. He will come back to you a better person for having to learn how to be a responsible adult. It's a hard lesson but it sounds like you know it's time for him to learn it.
Good luck to you. :hug: It's a very hard thing to deal with but you can do it.
|