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I had to go to (insert the name of a town across the country from yours) last weekend. The travel agent sent me through Minneapolis.
I knew I had to be extra careful because Republican Senators lurk in the men's rooms. Unfortunately, I also knew I had to go.
While I was sitting on the pot, I smelled a bad odor, like sulfur, and saw a cloud of green smoke drift under the door.
"Are there Republican Senators out there?"
I saw a pair of beady eyes stare at me through the crack in the door.
"Are YOU a Republican Senator?"
I felt a tap against my foot. Against both feet. I felt a hand against my leg. Against my ass. Touching my face.
More eyes. Ten. Fifty. A hundred.
"Are you ALL Republican Senators?"
Two hundred.
"Come on. There are only forty-nine Republican Senators. You can't ALL be Republican Senators!"
I heard a low chant. "Li. Be. Ral. Li. Be. Ral." It got louder. A drum beat. "Li. Be. Ral." Louder. Fiercer.
"Li. Be. Ral."
An arm made of red smoke slid under my door. It had a hand at the end. It slowly moved up to the lock. I waved it away with my hand.
The hand reformed.
I waved it away again.
It reformed into a fist. I tried to wave it away. It smashed my hand into the wall of the stall.
The lock slowly slid open.
The door slowly creaked open.
A body slowly crept into my stall.
It was Dick Cheney!
It pointed a wizened finger at my nose. "Do you love the war?"
Before I got a chance to answer, George Bush, Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, Larry Craig and David Vitter had jumped into my stall. They shoved a duffel bag over my head and carried me out through a secret exit. All I could hear were the terrible chants.
"Li. Be. Ral. Li. Be. Ral."
When they took the bag off my head, I was stripped naked and hung up by the feet over the edge of a tall building. There was a huge fire with iron tongs sticking out of it. There was a cage of mice in front of me.
Alberto Gonzalez was standing next to the fire.
Alberto. The most terrible torturer in history. He tortured thousands at Abu Ghraib. He sent millions to a fiery death in Guantanamo. They say he has ice water for blood. The screams of the damned are music to his ears.
"Li. Be. Ral. Li. Be. Ral. Li. Be. Ral."
Alberto took a pair of white-hot tongs from the fire. He admired their massiveness. Then he took a mouse from the cage, set it on the table, and picked it up with the tongs. It vanished in a cloud of smoke, burned to a crisp by the heat of the terrible implements.
He said nothing. Just looked at me with his gaze. His steely gaze.
Disgusted, Alberto flung the tongs away. They struck one of the Republican Senators in the chest. He started to scream in unquenchable agony. He searched in vain for water. He pleaded for some small relief. He finally flung himself over the side of the building to try to reach the fountain below.
"Li. Be. Ral. Li. Be. Ral."
Alberto slowly walked to the fire. He chose a pair of tongs even hotter than the ones before. A pair so hot they were starting to melt. He very carefully, very deliberately, walked to me.
"Li. Be. Ral. Li. Be. Ral."
He began to slowly open the tongs. Hot sparks flew from them. Some of them touched me. My skin began to smolder.
He spoke. "Do you love the war, traitorous liberal?"
Before I could answer, he began to move the tongs toward my crotch...
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