I am really, really angry at son's soccer coaches.

[redwitch]

He's had 10 minutes of play time so far this season ( out of five or six games). I cannot always attend games but have been able to make the last 2. It is devastating to sit on the sidelines and watch him sit on the bench. The coach told the team at the beginning that "It's varsity and I don't have to play everyone". What a jerk. What a jock. My son told me on the way home from the game that everyone doesn't even get on the field for PRACTICE! WTF??"???
I told him he doesn't have to continue, hubby says he should ride out the season. Son hasn't decided. Damn. Damn. Damn. I want to fix it for him and I can't. I tell myself that this is one of the ways humans develop empathy, patience etc. But this is a kid who already has that down to a science. I don't want him to be treated badly. I hate to say this but I was actually rooting for the other side today (quietly to myself of course), it made me feel better to feel mean.


Thanks for listening!

[GOPisEvil]

1. This is varsity high school soccer?

The coach is right. He's there to win games, not have 100% participation.

As for practice, that seems a little odd. Everyone should participate in practice.

Your son should honor his commitment to the team for this season. But, that's just my dos centavos.

[redwitch]

3. varsity high school soccer

My husband agrees with you. My thinking is respect is a two way street. And the team lost today. They blew a 2 goal lead in the last 20 minutes and lost in overtime. I couldnt help but notice that the other team used subs and their players seemed less tired. Duh.

[GOPisEvil]

4. Well, I understand the use of subs might make sense.

It's not just the coach your son committed to. It's his teammates as well. :)

My unsolicited advice to your son: work your ass off, show enthusiasm in practice, MAKE the coach notice you.

[redwitch]

6. I think it's too late for that, he is now officially gun shy.

The last practice the coach paired everyone up for drills, except my guy who didn't have anyone left to pair with. They went off to do their thing and there he stood. He was ball boy today, never did it before but did it with enthusiasm, I saw him. Apparently he was TOO enthused, he got yelled at for getting the ball back in too fast. As he had never done ball boy before he had no idea. And they waited til the game was over before offering direction.
My kid is not uncoordinated, he's damn fast, plays lacrosse in the spring and gets LOTS of time in. I don't know, I'm thinking the coaches are stoopid. :-)


I am so bitter about this, can ya tell?

[GOPisEvil]

9. OK, now THAT is going too far.

If your son had no one to pair up with, the coach should have joined him, or an assistant, the team manager, someone. That's just wrong-headed. I'm not a fan of your coach much. He IS stoopid.

I understand your bitterness, but I think your son will benefit by sticking it out. When you have a stoopid boss, you can't always just quit. Think of it as life prep.

[redwitch]

12. How depressing.

Son, you need to stick this out because someday you may have to depend on an idiot like this in order to eat on a regular basis. Ugh. I'll bet he does stick it out, I'm not sure I see the benefit.

Sorry for my negative attitude, it really is very unlike me. But someone's messes with my cubs, I snarl. And occasionally bite. :-)

[driver8]

30. Your son should do what he wants to do. He doesn't owe this

coach or the team a thing.

This is not preparation for life -- it's bullshit high school athletics.

[idgiehkt]

38. amen

My sister was an amazing first-baseman in the county league the whole time we were growing up. Our team got invited to play in a tourny in PA, where they actually drafted girls on to their teams and alot of them already had scholarships to college at 15 or 16 years old. We had our own coaches from the county but on this trip the two high school softball team coaches came with the summer league coaches. A few days before we left, my Dad was working (he was a billboard painter) and the scaffold he was standing on collapsed and he and his partner fell thirty feet, and both broke their backs (although my dad eventually recovered and neither was paralyzed). My parents decided to let us go to PA and play anyway, but when we got there my sister fell apart, and couldn't perform (I sucked at softball all the time so my performance didn't vary). In one game she kept making mistakes and they pulled her from the game and she sat on the bench and cried her eyes out for the rest of the game. Despite her 5 or 6 years of being a crack 1st baseman and an all-star, when it came time for high school tryouts the ASSHOLE coaches cut her in the very first round. It devastated her; she told me recently that that was one of the most painful things that ever happened to her, and it's been 25 years. She never tried out for that team again. It still pisses me off when I think about it.

I don't see any reason for a kid to be tormented by a sadistic or just plain jerky coach or teacher when that is what is going on. If the kid wants to quit, I'd say let him; there is no point in having his self-esteem further injured. Life is too short.

[redwitch]

39. That is awful!

I read a book once by a guy who said when he had flashbacks it wasn't from the drugs he'd done, or his tour in Nam. Flashbacks were caused by memories of Little League. He was being funny except there is a little too much truth in it.

[Rabrrrrrr]

17. Good point - many of his future bosses are gonna be sports-losers like the coach,

who were never good enough after high school to do anything but get a shitty job and, if lucky, to get to coach a sport for high school. Those bosses will be the obnoxious assholes who think motivational speeches, posters, and a "110% attitude" are all that are needed, while he diddles his secretary, defines himself by his possessions, crawls into alcoholism (and not even with top shelf alcohol; most likely cheap beer or blended scotch), and eventually kills himself because his life has had no meaning since he was the 9th grade football hero, he has three bitch daughters who are obsessed about material things, his wife has big hair and thinks "Pampered Chef" parties are high class, and the only that he has to live for is that 30 year old photo of him on the JV football team in 8th grade that got printed in the newspaper, even though his name wasn't mentioned.

Your son needs to learn how to deal with those fucknobs, because he will encounter far too many in his lifetime. Best that he learn now that he can laugh at them and play their games and always win because he's smarter, better, more mature, and isn't a fucking loser.

Hopefully, though, your son will be able (if he's into business) go into a legitimate business at the executive level and avoid exposure to all the mid- and tertiary-level management losers that are drawn from high school football stock and military enlisted (not officer) asswipes.

Maybe tell your son something like "Look at that jackass - that's all the incentive you need to do really well in school. So you can catapult yourself above them in the management heirarchy at whatever business you get into and never have to deal with their insufferable, classless ilk again".

[Demoiselle]

19. I'm inclined to believe the opposite....

Although the world is full of fucknobs, as you so ingeniously put it...A lot of the losers don't get much farther than
this coach is right now. He'll be there forever, coaching high school soccer in his very tiny world and lording it over the kids. But your suggestion that the boy learns to laugh at the
losers, play along when necessary and move on beyond them is excellent, in any case.

[idgiehkt]

41. as long as he can understand that it really is THEIR problem

and not his.

I only say this because concepts like that are really hard for some kids (like aspies)to understand. The behavior doesn't follow logic (because to an aspie or high-functioning austistic that behavior -tormenting, bullying, shunning- doesn't fix or even address the problem, which is the coache's own inadequacy), so a kid so innately logical might not be able to fully understand and absorb, or even believe in the true motives for that complex a behavior (projection).

[redwitch]

20. thank you for your unique perspective

:-) My kid is not, has never been, nor ever will be a fucknob or a loser.
That is something to feel good about.
And as usual, he will handle this unpleasantness way better than his mom.

[LisaM]

31. This coach sounds like a jerk, but don't paint high school coaches with such a broad brush

My father coached high school football and tennis for years. He was very fair, and did a good job. He didn't play favorites, and he was always popular. And I've never considered him a "Loser", as you so elegantly put it. Heck, I consider winning coaches at the college and pro level losers if they are obnoxious, but some people stay with their jobs teaching and coaching in high school because they like kids and are committed to it.

I think the kid should stay on the team. If he walks off, the coach will feel justified in his treatment of him, which sounds undeserved.

[idgiehkt]

40. that really is a brilliant description

(except for the daughters, who aren't culpable...of course the oldest daughter in 16 candles comes to mind, lol)

I don't know if you've ever read the book "Class" by Paul Fussell but that is along the lines of what he talks about. Well, you just summed it up in one paragraph.

I've not learned to deal people like that and odds are that I never will. I can't even begin to relate to them. Maybe the book Fussell should have written was how to deal with those red-blooded American conformists, without being one. I don't know how to 'play' people, and they always have an agenda.

[LanternWaste]

23. I disagree with your husband...

I disagree with your husband. Although the coach may be there only to win games, the kids are their to socialize, interact, learn team discipline and spirit, and (most importantly) to have a good time with their friends. Although winning is part and parcel of all of the above, actual participation is far more important I would think.

I think that should hold true to all extra-curricular activities.

[redwitch]

34. Totally agree with you!

What a smart person you are! :hi:

[idgiehkt]

42. the coach is ultimately thinking about his career

coach a winning team, move to a better school, possibly coach at a junior college or the like someday.

[KitchenWitch]

2. I have so been there...

Only for me it is my son and baseball.

When my son played traveling league, he was benched quite a bit, while the coaches' sons all played almost every inning. The sad thing was that my son was a better player (and had a better attitude) than any of the coaches' sons. Now my son plays in a city recreational league that requires equal playing time for all, and he is enjoying it more.

He may try out for the junior varsity baseball team in the Spring.

[redwitch]

5. My friend's son was a natural born baseball player.

The most graceful slider and base stealer I have ever seen. A natural talent. High school coach sat him on the bench and never gave him a chance. Tony joined the track team and quit playing baseball. He would have set records. A shame. And awful for his parents who adore the game.

[KitchenWitch]

7. Exactly

My son is very similar. He has the best screwball and although is not the fastest runner, he is good at stealing and sliding. He pretty much has 4 of the 5 "tools" of baseball.

He can:

1. Run the bases well
2. Field his position well - no matter which position he plays
3. Throws accurately
4. Hits for average

Only tool he is missing is the power hitting thing.

But he got really turned off by the "showcasing of the coaches' sons" BS.

[redwitch]

11. Good hitting is important.

But that comes with time as their bodies develop and the testosterone kicks in. But someone who understands the game and builds on their skills will be awesome when puberty hits!

[kath]

21. In softball, we see something similar, but it's the "coach's *daughter*" syndrome.

:-)

And some girls can hit the ball pretty damned far as well. Even without testosterone.

Our daughter is a pretty complete package as well.
Not a lot of power hitting yet. But since she's so damned fast, and good on the bases, the coaches don't give her much of a chance to swing away but usually have her hit from the left as she's a good bunter and slapper -gets on base more than half the time, almost never strikes out (4%)
Very good at defense, always gives 110%, diving for balls, etc.
Good at sliding (even some of the "trick" type slides) and stealing.
Throws accurately.

One thing wasn't explicitly mentioned, and that's SMARTS. A player who not only has a good knowledge of the game, but is always thinking ahead about what she's going to do in the upcoming defensive play given various scenarios, or when running the bases sees that the defensive player looks for all the world likes she's going to tag her out, can adjust so that at the last second she (the runner) slides so that she hooks *around* the defense to tag the plate or the bag and avoid the tag is worth her weight in gold.

[OzarkDem]

8. Encourage him to try another sport

My sons hated soccer, basketball and football from the time they were little guys.

They did much better with things like cross-country track, long distance running, swimming, golf, weight lifting, etc. I encouraged them to enjoy a sport for the fitness benefits and feeling good as opposed to hyper-competitive sports. There was a lot less stress and unhappiness.

[redwitch]

14. He really likes lacrosse.

My older guy gave up sports when he picked up his bass. His favorite sport is hacky sack(sp?). He likes the everyone helping everyone part of it. He is a nice guy. And a damn fine bass player!

[OzarkDem]

15. Same w/ my guys

they both went big for guitars. The youngest is very good, into "Scandinavian heavy metal" or something Nordic like that.

The youngest also likes skateboarding and snow boarding, which really keeps them fit.

[JVS]

10. It's like this. At this point he either has to ride it out or quit, get a cheap motorcycle, and...

start knocking up (i.e impregnating) girls with big hair. Don't argue with me about this. I don't make the rules, I just know them. He could forego the motorcycle if he can find a chevy nova, and I don't mean the little piece of shit from the late 1980's

[redwitch]

13. LOL

Thank you! I needed a good laugh!

[HEyHEY]

22. That's exactly what needs to happen

And he needs to by shitloads of Air Supply albums

[redwitch]

33. dude.

my son is not a loser, THE COACH IS! LOL

[triguy46]

16. High School sports are not recreational participation activities...

rather they are competitive.

My daughter was all state volleyball, first team. Went to college to play and first year did not step on the court. Second year was in for about 10 points total. She took the hint and retired, took her 4.0 and went on with life.

You cannot fix this for him.

[redwitch]

18. Thing is, he isn't super competitive although given a chance...

he will play his heart out. He plays for the joy of it. Sadly, the joy has been sucked out of it. I stay out of this stuff as a rule. I could tell he was upset though, and THAT I pay attention to. I can't fix it for him I know, just looking for some perspective from you good people. I am glad your daughter walked away with a 4.0. Smarts will get you through much better than athletic ability. I'll bet she was confused at all the bench time though.

[triguy46]

28. There's a book waiting to be written:

Lying Coaches the Lies They Tell. On the other hand, it opened some doors for her.

If he really likes it, there is the future and college intramurals, club sports, and adult rec leagues are a busy as ever. No need to let the disappointment of not making the HS team deter that. Of course, its easy with adult perspective.

[carly denise pt deux]

24. That is the reason my kid isn't in sports anymore

He started T ball and hockey as a 3 year old, played soccer for 5 years and played baseball every summer and hockey every winter until about 4 years ago. The coaches played their favorites all the time, and the others just sat there....and this wasn't even high school years, these were elementary age...it made me sick and eventually the kid got tired of being on the b string, so he quit and he has not regretted it since.
Carly

[Beausoir]

25. Ouch.

Ouch for you. Ouch for your son.

Makes me sad just reading about it.

[redwitch]

35. Thank you for your empathy.

:hug:

[dropkickpa]

26. Is there JV soccer?

If so, why not go play there if it's mostly for the fun of it?

[redwitch]

36. Not sure you can switch from one to the other like that.

Anyway, another 2 or 3 weeks and the season is over. He can look forward to lacrosse in the spring.

[DS1]

27. high school coaches are fucking morons. most are also assholes

oh look, the coach's kid is the quarterback! I'm stunned!

[driver8]

29. I went through a similar situation in high school with basketball.

My senior year I knew I wasn't going to start, but I figured to get quite a bit of playing time. In our practice games, I was coming off the bench and averaging about 8 points a game. The coach told me that he would be using me quite a bit.

Well, as the season progressed I was getting very little playing time. It became clear to me that I would be spending most of my time on the bench. I figured why should I bust my ass for a coach that wasn't going to play me?

I wasn't a quitter and had never quit anything in my life, so I asked my parents what I should do. They told me that whatever I decided was fine with them, so I quit. The day I handed in my uniform it was like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders. I have never regretted it.

If your son isn't happy, there is no sense wasting time on the team and with practice. He doesn't owe the coach or the team anything.

[redwitch]

32. Thanks to all of you who have responded here. I feel better.

I am leaving the decision to stay on the team or let it go to my son. And as long as he is there sitting on the bench at least one of his parents will be sitting on the sidelines rooting for him. He is a happy, handsome, kind person who does well in school and has good friendships and a moral compass that can't be beat. That being said,



IF HE SITS THE FUCKING BENCH TOMORROW I MAY CHEER OUT LOUD FOR THE OTHER TEAM! Well, not out loud. And then I'll take my guy to lunch. :-)
There is life after high school, most of us are living proof.

[noamnety]

44. You're doing some good parenting

I respect that you are making it his decision.

I'm gonna offer my opinion, but it's his decision, not mine, so I'm really just spouting off for no reason. :)

This is why I'm glad I work at a high school that has no sports teams. It was a deliberate decision for us not to have them. We are there to teach ALL our kids, not to score points against other schools. When coaches (and students and parents) get so caught up in the winning or losing, they forget what education is supposed to be about. We would never allow this in an academic class. Imagine if the English class had all their classes taped, and then competed for the best class discussions. The 5 best students might get help and coaching from the teacher, and every day they would participate in class. The others could sit quietly in the back of the room, wouldn't be allowed to join in on the discussions because they might drag the quality down, and might be told sorry, no text books for you. Just sit there.

Any sane parent would pull their kid out of that school, if that's how all the classes were run. It's neglectful and abusive to the kids who are told to sit there, lest they screw up the English class award for the teacher and those students. I think it sounds like your son is in a mildly abusive, maybe emotionally abusive relationship. He's getting the message day after day that he's worthless.

I don't think it's healthy, or good character building for him to commit to that for the rest of the season. I wouldn't keep my daughter in that sort of an English class, sitting in the back of the room, to build her character, or teach her to deal with bosses like that.

If I were in charge, (and neither you nor I are in charge of his decision, I feel like I need to acknowledge that again before I continue with this next phrase), I'd pull him out and instead have him call this season a loss, and spend that practice time doing meaningful volunteer work like habitat for humanity or tutoring kids, that gives him a real sense of self-worth and accomplishment, and teaches better lessons about working on a team.

[redwitch]

46. thank you.

we try very hard, we love our guys so much. today was day 3, he was the only one who didn't get in at all. I am about to call his coach on the phone and discuss this with him. good move/bad move? :shrug: I just need to know what the problem is. I would rather dan just handed back his gear and moved on but I think he may be buying into that "don't be a quitter" manly thing.

[noamnety]

47. Ah, yes, "real men" Stay The Course.

Ugh. What a stupid message for society to promote.

Wouldn't it be great it men (and women) were instead taught to do what's right, and periodically re-evaluate if what was right before is still right?

Instead we got this idiotic "Do this forever, because it was a good decision at one point in time" message.

[redwitch]

48. Then we would be flip-floppers!

:banghead:


STAY THE COURSE! MUST STAY THE COURSE!

[madrchsod]

37. i never got that far in my coaching since i did`t have a degree

and i`m kinda glad i did`t. 17+years in coaching youth soccer was bad enough and high school is far worse. there`s good coaches and bad coaches. this coach is a fucking jerk..there is no way any coach worth a shit would tell a team that and not let everyone practice?! i have never-ever heard of such a stupid thing. if you are serious about this crap i suggest you ask other parents if their kids are treated the same way and do something about this guy.

i coached a young girl for several years in youth soccer then as a freshman she became the varsity starting goalie..at the awards ceremony she did`t receive any recognition because she was a freshman. she was one of the best goalies i ever coached and she was the best that the high school ever had...she never played goalie for the high school again. she joined a club team...

[sasquatch]

43. What grade is he in?

If he's a freshman or sophmore than tell hem to ride it out because if he shows loyalty to the coach he'll take that into consideration next year.

[redwitch]

45. He's a junior.

Thanks for the thought though. Today was game 3 without a minute of time on the field. I hate his coach, which is not good for my karma.

[Nailzberg]

49. Quitters never win.

I should know. I quit everything I ever tried out for.

Gotta run, there's a BMW at pump two that needs full service.

[redwitch]

50. Nah, It's your sparkling personality.

:-)


P.S. You can't win if you don't play. I guess we got ourselves a catch 22 here.

[Nailzberg]

51. And you can't play if you don't practice

I agree with the coach having the discretion to sit or play his players at the varsity level. But if he's not using everyone in the practices, running everyone through the drills, playing everyone in scrimmages, etc, he's a shit-for-brains coach. Part of coaching is to develop the skills of your players.