"Would you like that for here or to go TODAY?"

[Sugar Smack]

"Would you like us to giftwrap for you TODAY?" When did that start? The corporate urging of its employees to use the word "Today" as though its never-before-seen customers were regulars? This is hands down the worst inspiration since the use of the first name in business. What are your favorite loathed corporatisms?

It's only getting grosser out there, y'all. I advise you to stay at home.

[Sugar Smack]

1. Christ. I'm going to bed.

Long retail day. Night, y'all.

[Redstone]

2. God, I'm glad I rarely shop. It sounds like it's really ugly out there. Sweet dreams, SS.

Redstone

[Sugar Smack]

3. Thank you, bijou.

:hug: It was pretty rough, and I'm collecting corporatisms. Like you said in your fabulous PM to me, I'm not "retail material".

Hey: :loveya:

[Redstone]

5. Come to Connecticut. There's a job for you here that would make use of the material

that you are.

(Actually, it would be more like a partnership than a job. Share the risks, share the rewards.)

Redstone

[Sugar Smack]

9. I wish I could come to Connecticut.

I don't have the money right now, or I'd do it in a heartbeat, you know. Plus, there's Dad. But if I got involved in a good, swift enterprise it would be with you.

:D :hug: :yourock:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

4. My EX-boss used to end his staff meetings with:

"...and, Thanks for ALL you do!" :puke:

[Sugar Smack]

8. Gross!

That sort of enthusiasm is POISON. "Team player" is so mind-deadening. Morning staff meetings are so cruel. 15 minutes of faked hype make me want to explode. Vomit. Something. Thanks, TA. :pals:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

13. Yep. One of the many reasons he is my EX-boss.

:pals:

[Sugar Smack]

17. A lot of our "enthusiasm" comes from

how badly our "figures" showed up. Never mind they're reconstructing our strip mall and you need a hard hat to shop there. God. :loveya: Thanks for listening. You're proper DU material, if I've ever seen it.

[DS1]

45. I interviewed for a "position" at Blockbuster Video when I started college

After he got done telling me about the morning and shift-change 'huddles' I was done and just started blathering out bullshit answers guaranteed to not get me hired. It was half-way through that I learned he went to the same school, and took the same major, and I wept a little inside :D

[Sugar Smack]

48. Oh my god, I would, too.

Cringe at the "huddles" and weep a little inside. That must have felt like going downhill backwards on a skateboard at that point of the discussion. I sometimes wonder what kind of Masonic rituals occur at Wal-Mart meetings.

Is this what a "huddle" looks like?--->:grouphug: :scared:

[DS1]

49. probably, but you're all wearing blue shirts, white khakis and hate each

other on the inside

[Sugar Smack]

51. I wonder if that's what they're doing in the back office of Best Buy

instead of being out on the main floor.

http://www.improveverywhere.com/2006/04/23/best-buy/

:spray:

[Sugar Smack]

52. Addendum: to be fair, Best Buy is too cheap to pay for

more employees.

[TommyO]

6. "Have a nice one"

Have a nice what? A nice day? A nice life? A nice drive home? A nice bowel movement?

That gets me more than anything else.

[Sugar Smack]

10. It's... it's so Modern and yet so 1985.

Have a nice ride back to your place, is how I'd put it. :P

[Whisp]

19. 'and did you find everything you were looking for?'

at the supermarket.
one day I will burst into the U2 song.
'and I still haven't found, those god damned radishes'

or.
yes, I found the meaning of life by the cheeses.

[Sugar Smack]

21. "Are ya finding everything alright? Gooood."

Ah, the self-loathing. I care. I really do. It's just that I fluctuate between thinking "they have jobs too, and they're spending money on clothes cause it makes them feel good to 'Fuck This Noise'".

}(

[Kutjara]

74. That really grinds on me. One of these days I'm gonna say...

..."No. You're fresah out of world peace."

[rucky]

7. synergy and leverage. n/t

[Sugar Smack]

11. The Bottom Line.

Love that one. :wtf: What are we?

[Wapsie B]

12. Well at the end of the day, the upshot of it all

is that using corporate buzzwords sucks.

:hide:

[Sugar Smack]

14. *ppppppppppppfffffftttttt!*

:rofl: I think you owe me a new keyboard. Across the board. You know?

[Wapsie B]

15. You mean you'll have to "right size" your keyboard?

:rofl:

[TommyO]

16. Oooh, another one

When a meeting takes less time than planned, "we're giving you back fifteen minutes"

Damned corporate BS.

[Sugar Smack]

18. I have to make sure I'm paid for those painful 15 minutes.

With coffee, too. It's not humane to expect anything else of an otherwise decent human being. I care about shit, but as far as kissing customer ass, I don't know quite how to do it. I've been in retail before, but maybe I need an "Obsequiousness Training" course to get me through the highlights. Geeze. x( Thanks for listening, Doc.

[Fleshdancer]

20. Give them options....

"Would you like us to giftwrap for you TODAY, TOMORROW, or NEXT WEEK YOU LAZY SOB WHO CAN'T TAKE THE TIME AND EFFORT TO BUY WRAPPING PAPER AND A ROLL OF SCOTCH TAPE TO WRAP ONE SIMPLE, UNDERPRICED CRAPPY GIFT!!!????


:D

On edit:

"Oh, and have a SPECTACULAR day"

[Sugar Smack]

22. I love you. I simply LOVE you.

:rofl: :loveya: You're the very best of humanity!

[TommyO]

23. One that has cropped up since our company was bought by another from Texas

Have a blessed day.


ARGHGHGHGHG!!! I want to forward these messages to HR.

[Fleshdancer]

24. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Quit. Please. Pretty please. Pretty please with a cherry on top.

I double dog dare you to quit. Everyone knows you can't turn down a double dog challenge. It's the truth.

[Sugar Smack]

37. NO!!!!!

When you asked "WHY?" What did they say? OMG. :scared:

[Dangerously Amused]

25. That career is simply adorable on yooouuu! May I suggest accessorizing it with...

:7

[Sugar Smack]

30. OMG, I didn't know there was such a thing.

:loveya: :yourock: Beautiful! Across the board. :rofl:

Dad asked me if I ever considered puking on the manager's shoes at such a meeting. I'd do it ENTHUSIASTICALLY.

[PassingFair]

26. "I appreciate yew!"

My husband HATES that one.

The women he works with use it ALL the time.

[Sugar Smack]

31. Aw, bless his heart. That would drive me batshit.

Some people would seriously benefit from a good thunk on the ear.

[SalmonChantedEvening]

27. No, wrap it the day after Xmas, Milton

AHHHHH

:hi: :loveya:

[Sugar Smack]

32. MILTON!!!

OMG, sweetie! I HAVE to watch that this afternoon. I've seen it 5 times and could use another dose. :hug: :loveya: :bounce:

[SalmonChantedEvening]

38. Umm? lolol

I kinda grabbed the name outta the air :rofl:

Which Milton? :blush:

:hi: :majorhugfesthappenin: :loveya:

How's you?? :hug:

[Sugar Smack]

40. From "Office Space." Best corporate-related movie ever.

:D :bounce: :loveya: Could have sworn you'd seen it. *majorhugsfestbackatcha*

[SalmonChantedEvening]

42. Can't watch it all at one sitting. Flashbacks.

I was a cuberat production planner for a defense contractor for 10 years. :scared:

I worked for Lumberghs and Slydells. EEEEK!

:loveya:

Hugfests. Never enuf of em' ;)

[Sugar Smack]

55. Did you ever get lectures about the "Bottom Line"?

When I worked on a loading dock, the "bottom line" was posterial cleavage from some of the more careless fellows. :o

[SalmonChantedEvening]

75. BAHA! and ICK lol

That and every other cliche every spouted by management.

Every planner at Aydin's greatest dread was hearing our VP of production say:

"Let me tell you a story"

RUN AWAY!

:hug: :loveya:

[Sugar Smack]

80. I found myself trying to unclench my jaws after

"Let me tell you a story". The "storyteller" would appear to get comfortable, crossing his legs & relaxing into it. The rest of us would cheerfully imagine the cup of coffee in our fists as a hand grenade. And I'm generally a pacifist, when it comes to some things. :) :hug:

[SalmonChantedEvening]

82. "Long time ago, back when I worked at GE..."

Eeeeyyuuugh.

Between him and another planner who became Jack Nicholson when angry, the place was an asylum.

I did my part by doing pages over the intercom in my Harry Kalas voice, or doing my Nicholson to said planner.

My comeuppance for taunting him was both brilliant and well deserved. :rofl:

Meatball parm time with the pup.

Hi Sophie! purrrrrz

:hug:

[nadine_mn]

28. No need to reinvent the wheel

gawd I hate that...sitting in meeting after meeting - reinvent my foot up your ass

[Sugar Smack]

33. It always makes me want the last 15 minutes of my life back.

"Every minute you're given is the potential for grace realized."- Maya Angelou

:banghead:

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

29. My restaurant favorite:

The waitperson lurks nearby until your mouth is full of food, then hustles up to your table wearing a big smile and chirps, "How is that tasting for you?" Sometimes he/she even says "How is that tasting for you today?"

:puke:

[Sugar Smack]

35. Oh, you're kidding. Please tell me you're kidding. My stomach.

I even said the words out loud to hear what it sounded like: How is that tasting for you today?

I'm trying to wrap my mind around the cause of that. Management says "You're no longer allowed to ask if everything's alright. Corporate has bumped the phrase up to newer, fresher nonsense."

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

39. I am not making this up.

I've heard that phrase at a number of restaurants lately (mostly the chain types where the waitpersons are forced to be chirpy and intrusive; yeah, I know I shouldn't eat at those places). "How is that tasting?" "Great; my tongue is in excellent shape today and it tastes very well, thank you." Except my usual response is "Mmmphhh," accompanied by a slight scowl.

[Sugar Smack]

41. The last restaurant my family & I went to, the waiter was probably

forced to be the same way. At least he never had to ask how things "were tasting". But he did seem to have a major case of "the Fridays", LOL. Chirpy & intrusive are the perfect words to describe the way most retail & food service want their employees to act. Eh, where's the freaking dignity?

[driver8]

34. I'm standing here by myself, I just ordered 3 large pizzas...I think that order is "to go"! n/t

[Sugar Smack]

36. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

:rofl: :patriot:

[nadine_mn]

56. dear god...you know at some point they made

the assumption that 1 large pizza for 1 person was to go, and someone said no I am eating it here. After that they have to ask no matter how ridiculous.

[nickgutierrez]

43. The trend toward referring to customers as "guests".

This is ridiculous. When I invite people to my home, I do not expect them to buy things or spend money in any way, shape, or form. So, when customers enter your place of business, they are not "guests". They are "customers".

[Sugar Smack]

44. And I never showed up with a box of Cadbury's! How thoughtless of me.

I hope they're serving "Vienetta" for dessert. :rofl:

[Richardo]

47. This one gets me too.

[Wapsie B]

59. Or referring to patients as customers or clients.

What is so un PC about the word patient?

:banghead:

[ikojo]

69. What about calling employees

associates? If I treated even my associates the way most companies treat their employees, I'd be dead.

[Sugar Smack]

71. I'm an associate! *beams*

How may I help you today? :P

[DS1]

46. It's designed to get into your head that you'll be coming back

but you probably figured that out ;-)

[Sugar Smack]

54. Heh. And you know it wouldn't have been bizarre to say such

a thing 20 years ago. And it seem to have popped up only in the last 3 or so years.

[Richardo]

50. How many pieces of flair do they make you wear?

Just the bare minimum, Sugie? Don't you want to express yourself?


"We encourage that."

[Sugar Smack]

53. Those poor waiters & waitresses. I'll bet their knees buckle

under all that weight.

OMG, greatest movie ever. :bounce: :loveya: :rofl: "Dude, breast examination on Discovery"

[nadine_mn]

57. One of the things I had to ask was the reason for a return

when I worked at a major bookseller we will call Darnes & Poble. One day someone brought back a bunch of baby books (naming your baby, what to expect when expecting etc) and w/out thinking I asked why the return. The customer said, my daughter miscarried. I felt like dying... a few months later I was promoted to supervisor and was training in a new person, when a young woman was making the same type of return. The new employee started to ask, I kicked her (gently), took over and quietly did the return no questions asked. The young woman was crying softly and thanked me for not asking, apparently she had been doing other returns that day and had been asked at each place why she was returning baby furniture, clothes etc.

I told the new employee - never ask with that type of return (when its a stack of baby and expecting books).

[Sugar Smack]

58. Oh, MAN.

That's just awful. People have to use a little senisitivity and/or quick thinking, I guess. You did both.

Incidentally, I worked at Darnes & Poble too. The returns were mainly, "'Cause I didn't like it."

[driver8]

88. I never knew that you could return books!!

So I can read the book and take it back??

This is the greatest news I've ever heard!!

[Richardo]

60. They must have changed that policy - and a good thing, too

During my stint at "D&P" we were not trained to ask why a customer was returning books. I would NEVER ask, especially in the circumstances you described. So sad.

On the other hand, we were often amused by the customers who asked if we had a copier they could use. :dunce:

[Sugar Smack]

61. WE just had a vulcan mind-meld!!!

OMG, I was just remembering the customers asking to use the copier! OMG!1!11!!!:rofl:

[Richardo]

66. I love when that happens.

We are so smart. S-M-R-T. :pals:

[SKKY]

62. Kinda like when everything in the late 90's and early 2000 became a freaking "Solution"...

"Providing you home sanitation solutions since 1951" - A plumbing business

Just an example.

[Sugar Smack]

63. Aaaaah, you just hit me square in the gag reflex.

On the road, I've seen "Solutions" here and there all over the sides of trucks AD NAUSEUM. Jeebus.

[Richardo]

65. 'Solution' = my biggest corporate pet peeve.

I tell that to vendors who are pitching to our company: "Don't say 'solution'."

[Rabrrrrrr]

64. "Well, what are the other opportunities going forward?"

:rofl:

[Sugar Smack]

67. My wall-eyed response to that would be

:wtf: But I'd probably just sit there blinking rapidly at them. How does anyone connect something like that with "making sense"?

[ikojo]

68. The corporatisms I loath tend to revolve

around the fake "team" concept as if we are all playing for the team. Bosses are often called coaches...like my boss cares about whether I learn new stuff...I beg and still nothing.

When a company says take one for the team...the employee being told that is usually getting a piping hot rod shoved into some orifice.

I also don't like the use of he corporate "we." I work because I have to not because I believe I'm on some team. Oy vey!

[Sugar Smack]

70. "I work because I have to not because I believe I'm on some team"

There. That was just right. When I think of all the poetry I memorized in college and all the time spent writing & drawing, I think of that hot poker these days. At least I'm not bitter, right?

I don't notice our coach responding to "feedback", incidentally.

[nadine_mn]

72. Hmmm some of these ideas should be put on the Parking Lot

omfg, the first time I was at a meeting where we handed out little sticky notes to jot down our ideas, then we could stick them on the parking lot for later discussion...I laughed so hard, however everyone else was quiet and very serious. I am surprised no one parking lotted dealing with obnoxious laughter

[Sugar Smack]

73. Nadine_mn, you are my very favorite new DUer!

Welcome! Everything you say is exactly right. :hi: I have a really good girlfriend who was working for a company I'll call "Swisq Air". She laughed out loud at a meeting when the competition was referred to as "The Enemy". Everyone else stared at her as she tried to compose herself.

[nadine_mn]

84. Why thank you

I am still shuddering from some of all the corporatisms....I had to work at an insurance company once, in a cube silently caressing my red swingline stapler

[Sugar Smack]

86. MILTON! I've found you at last.

How about retreating to a small island with no-salt margaritas?

[sasquatch]

76. How about "When you're here, you're family!"?

:evilgrin:

[Sugar Smack]

78. I forgot where that was from!

Maybe that's a good thing. :wow:

[sasquatch]

79. Yes, yes it is a good thing.

:D

[Kutjara]

77. I hate the inevitable...

..."And is there anything else I can help you with today?" First of all, it assumes you haven't got the basic intelligence to remember why you got on the phone or went to the customer service counter in the first place. Second, it's often said after the person in question has signally failed to help you with anything at all.

I remember waiting in all day for the cable guy, who never showed up. I called to ask what had happened, and the cable company told me he was scheduled to come on a completely different day. I explained that I had a letter from them with the date of his visit clearly written down, but the rep's tone of voice made it obvious she thought I was a liar. After a twenty minute argument in which she wasn't in the least bit helpful or sympathetic, wouldn't allow me to talk to a supervisor, and certainly wasn't going to admit her company was at fault, she finished with "and is there anything ELSE I can help you with today?" Gahhhhhhhh!

It's the equivalent of "d'ya want fries with that?", extended to all walks of life.

[Sugar Smack]

81. I believe Ted Turner is responsible for my BP medicine

and that he should personally pay up. I think the people you have to talk to in order to get a supervisor are really, seriously made to respond the way they do. Like, if they don't, they're out of a 6$ an hour job. As far as I know.

:pals:

[Oeditpus Rex]

96. If I heard 'Would you like fries with that today?'

I'd be strongly tempted to scrunch up my face like I was really considering the question, then respond, "Mmmm... no, I'll come back tomorrow for those. Or Thursday. Is Thursday good for you?"

Then I'd go back on Thursday and order "just the fries I didn't get Monday. I wasn't that hungry then."

[nadine_mn]

83. Ooh I Forgot about thinking outside the box

what we have here is a paradigm shift, lets look at our mission statement and work on our core values

barf

[Sugar Smack]

85. Christ, honey, where TF do you work?

You can PM me if you want. GEEZE. :wow: In a greater nightmare than mine,I imagine Geeze.

[Flying Dream Blues]

87. Gee, I used to work for that company!

And, oh, by the way let's not reinvent the wheel here, since we have a short runway on this one. We have to make sure our customers get these deliverables by the drop-dead date!
:)

[In_The_Wind]

89. The retailers will push stuff out of the door anyway they can!

:loveya::hug:

[Sugar Smack]

91. Heh, you're so right.

Today I was reading about those women in the Congo, and asking myself, OK, HOW important is this??? I think those 15 minute meetings are really wearing thin. I've had some really nice people, but the ones who bitch about something so insignificant make me want to tell them, "Life's a shit sandwich, y'all. Suck it up."

:hug: :hug: :loveya: :loveya:

[bridgit]

90. corporate entities never have it right, they hire groups of fresh grads...

from wherever the hell with brand new pie charts splashed with high impact colors, thinking they are the ones that will bring those profits back up to pre china levels, i don't care whether they say, "Welcome to Comcast" or "Thank you for choosing Comcast" or, "Comcast can eat shit and fucking LIVE! with a gut full of bad bugs!!"...so long as the shit fucking works, i'm telling'yas for corporate america the grass is always greener on the other side that's why they're shipping our jobs there :cry:

[Sugar Smack]

92. OMG. "Giant 6 Year Old Devastates Area Ant Community"

LOLOLOLOL!11!1!!11!!!!!!!:rofl:

LOL. I try to have a little blank-out time for those meetings. I'm v-e-r-y slowly meeting kindred spirits at my job, but it's like dodging raindrops. There's one woman with the republican hair helmet I avoid at all costs.

:P }( :D :hi: :loveya: :hug: :yourock: :pals:

[MANative]

93. My two nightmares are from the same company - a corporate

retail office:

"It seems we have a disconnect here." for anything and everything that doesn't go perfectly (which is a whole helluva lot.) and
"I have a call out." for anytime you're about to get your ass chewed out.

Oy!

[Sugar Smack]

94. "It seems we have a disconnect here."

:o OMG.

You might as well misquote "Cool Hand Luke" like I do:

"What we need here is a failure to communicate." :P

[MANative]

95. I escaped from that hell-hole about 4 years ago, but the

damn phrase still haunts me. I can still hear my old boss saying it. :me shudders: :hi:

[FooFootheSnoo]

97. "We're reaching out to our customers"

Yeah, our customers wallets.
I'm very, very bitter about the corporate world. I was suckered into a sales (telemarketing) job last year by a psychotic corporation that was so focused on "sales" they had lost sight on any social nicities or common sense whatsoever. Such as: I called a prospect one day, asked for the person and was told he had passed away. I quickly apologized and hung up. My boss made a beeline to my desk (he had been listening to my call) and told me next time I was advised the prospect was deceased, I should ask if anyone else in the home would be interested in our products. I shit you not. These products were mainly marketed to the elderly, so a lot of prospects had passed away.

They also called people on Easter Sunday.

"We're reaching out to our customers." was on of their stupid ideas for an intro.

The other stupid one they banged into our head was "I can understand why you feel that way, others have felt that way,but when they tried our product, they found they had the best experience of their lives!!" It's called "feel, felt and found". Yeah, that's gonna work. Stupid stupid stupid.

I have to stop. I could write pages. By the way, I quit the job.



:banghead:

[prole_for_peace]

98. "how may i exceed your expectations today?"

i have heard this a few times when i call various customer service numbers.

really annoying.

[Hand]

99. Answer: Kill yourself twice.

:evilgrin: