My friend died from cancer. Both my sister and dad have cancer. My brother is activated, again.

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

I! THINK! I! AM! GOING! C-R-A-Z-Y!!!!!!!

The last twelve months have taken a toll on me and I am feeling,...well,...it's too weird to describe.

September 2006: I am "restructured" out of a job I loved.

October 2006: My sister is diagnosed with throat cancer.

November 2006: My brother, thankfully, returns from Iraq after being there 14 months. My sister has surgery: her larynx, glands et al removed. My best friend is diagnosed with aggressive colon cancer and gets aggressive treatment.

December 2006: I discover my veteran brothers' wife had/having an affair My brother is hurting, bad. My sister undergoes radiation/chemo therapy. Job prospects are meager.

January/Februay/March 2007: My sister receives radiation therapy and a chemo cocktail. My brother goes through divorce proceedings and having difficulty with that atop civilian adjustment. My best friend seems to be doing okay; then, dies *cry*. I fail to land a job.

April/May/June 2007: My brother gets a divorce but can't sell financially draining house he bought for former wife and five (hers) kids. I still fail to locate employment. My sister finds out cancer spread to her lungs.

July/August 2007: My Dad is seeing doctors about numbness/loss of feeling in left hand. I travel to be with my sister when she gets treatment for the cancer in her lungs. I interviewed for a couple jobs but no luck.

September 2007: My Dad is diagnosed with an immediate life-threatening malignant brain tumor and has surgery. I interviewed for a job; didn't get it (and I really REALLY wanted it. FUCK employment. I meet a new friend, gratefully, but feel little to offer to our relationship.

October/present: Although he looks great, my Dad's a mess, psychologically, and beginning radiation and chemo. My Mom looks so tired. My brother has been "re-activated" (GAWDAMNIT!). I take my neighbor and close friend to be tested, he's been diagnosed with cancer.

On my list of "things to do" is: to find ANY damn job, to organize siblings to relieve Mom, to help my neighbor friend through his cancer (he just lost his wife to cancer this past February), to maintain (?) my new friendship and, last but not least, to research 'learned helplessness' (something I felt while reading an article during my neighbor/friend's cancer test).

I feel 'crazy'. I am still able to plan and do and,...HUG. But, I swear, lately,...I feel like I am,...floating away and disconnecting from the world,...and it is the weirdest sensation, a scary feeling.

Please, advise me. Am I going crazy or do normal people feel like they are floating, like they are a cloud just watching everything below when they are going through a series of difficult experiences.

Aw, shit. Now, I am crying. *pause* The crying has passed. Now, what.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear sicksicksick_N_tired...

My heart goes out to you, as you go through this awful time...

I am quite sure that what you're feeling is very normal. I mean, you're going through hell.

I know it's important for you to be there for your family and your friends...

BUT...

This is taking a huge toll on you.

Maybe time to regroup? Enlist someone else to help you?

Because you need support too.......and this is too much, right now.

Getting a good job would help you, of course.

Please feel free to come to the Lounge and ventilate whenever you need to.

We've got your back, sweetie...

:hug:

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

8. Thank you. I've never visited the lounge, before now.

I am feeling,...incapable,...

[Ellen Forradalom]

2. I am flabbergasted

just reading your post.

I can't imagine where you find the strength to put one foot in front of the other. A lesser person would've folded his cards by now.

Even under one stressor, like cancer, I did have that surreal feeling. It passed in time.

I think your brain is helping protect you in this way.

I wish I had something more concrete to say.

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

11. You make me FEEL strong even when i am feeling so damn small.

When I drove my neighbor and sweet ole' 78 year-old buddy (who lost his wife to cancer this past February) for his 'cancer test', he told me he was so glad I (me) was there, before the test.

He faked a big smile as he walked out. I gave him a hug. He looked at me and asked, "Could you drive me to the next one because I can't do it by myself?". I said, "OF COURSE!!!"

He said, "I'm not scared but I am too damn old to fight and I don't want to suffer."

Breathing IN and OUT was all I could do, at that moment. Later on, I told him all I could do. He said I did more.

[Ellen Forradalom]

27. You ARE strong

You are not imagining things. You are being taxed to the utmost. You are quite right to be going c-r-a-z-y.

The question is, how do we get YOU some relief?

[VLC]

3. Personally I think it's amazing you're functioning at all with all that going on.

Sorry all that has happened... that's quite a list of stressful events in a very short period of time.

I agree with California Peggy. You need to spend some time on you, doing things that make you happy. Otherwise you won't be able to help anyone else and I can see there are lots of people that need you right now. Good luck.

[I Have A Dream]

4. I'm so, so sorry for your pain and suffering, sicksicksick_N_tired.

You have way more than anyone should be expected to handle. I don't have any words of wisdom, but I send to you the loving feeling that my heart is feeling for you right at this very moment.

I wish that I could take some of the burden off of you; I would do it if it were possible.

I will definitely keep you in my thoughts, and I hope that you get a break really soon.

:hug::hug::hug:

[zingaro]

5. Out of body.

A very kind and wise soul from this very board explained it to me.

The out of body feeling is a physical response to the shock of all the trauma. If it helps at all to know this, I spent several months feeling quite out of body. Many months, in fact...seven. I don't think anybody noticed it when they looked at me but I totally felt like a float in the Macy's Parade.

The thing is, your entire world is upside down so it's easy to become ungrounded and floaty. It's the disconnect that makes the feeling things more manageable. I hate to tell you that it took a pretty hefty emotional collapse to re-ground me, but in my case that's what happened. That sounds more dramatic than it was, probably, but it was no fun.

Do you have a therapist or someone you can talk to? I started taking a combination of supplements as opposed to any prescription medication and it seems to be working well for me. I'd be happy to give you more info if you'd like.

Just don't flail outward. Concentrate on one thing - just one thing. I think sometimes 12-step programs have it right - one day at a time? Except that this is one thing at a time. Some days it was so much of a challenge that I'd have to take it in tiny bites: brush my teeth, eat some breakfast, do the dishes, send an email, decide what's for dinner. That was how it went for quite a while, and I have two kids so it wasn't like I could collapse and weep for days (which is what I really wanted to do). I had to function, so I had to just challenge myself to maintain the tiniest focus on ONE thing at a time. You have a list of to do things. Break them down and just push forward.

Mostly? Let yourself disconnect when you can and don't feel like you're going to lose yourself. That's a pretty weighty list of traumatic life events, mostly all out of your control. Allow yourself some time to adjust to the feelings of helplessness, and time to get OK with the notion that "all you can do is all you can do."

A book you might read is Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart.

I hope good things come your way soon. Good things, and peace.

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

13. I get it. Being disconnected IS NECESSARY,...for me.

Yup. I haven't 'intentionally' (in other words, FORCED myself) to spend more time with our critters or walking out and about or engaging in collecting *LOL* seeds from every and any flower offering it.

I've been,...touching, feeling, connecting with ANYTHING beyond me and my life. It's not "on purpose" but rather a,...well, something beyond me.

I'll try to get my hands on "When Things Fall Apart".

Thank you, kindly. :hug:

[I Have A Dream]

6. Kick.

:(

[graywarrior]

7. Are you kidding me? Holy shit, you need a hug!

:hug:

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

14. Please *LOL* remove the duct tape so we can hug!!!!!

:rofl:

:hug: (no 'holy shit' included) :hug:

[graywarrior]

20. He can be in the middle.

Right?

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

21. Nope. I'll be happy to tear off that duct tape and have him bite my nose,...

:rofl: in the process.

At LEAST, that one,...will be free,...to bit my nose :rofl:

[graywarrior]

22. Hahahahaha. Many, many DU'rs have begged me to release him.

Not til The Prince of Darkness is out of office.

*snort*

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

24. NEVER FORGET,....the duct tape and plastic obsession. OMG!!!!!!!

:rofl:

I suddenly REMEMBER the media attention to folks that LITERALLY smeared their homes with any and all plastic covering along with duct tape!!!!!

:rofl:

AND,....aw shit,...I,...ME,....I packed up a month or more worth of food!!!!

TOTAL PANIC!!!!!

:rofl:

After that, those greedy power-mongering fuckers,...TOOK US DOWN!!!!!

It was SO DAMN EASY for them,...and they are sucking us dry of every fucking penny.

:rofl:

Makes me feel DAMN COMFORTABLE about happening to be in their presence (will never happen) and doing something I have never done or thought or want to do in my life,...SOCKING THEM IN JAW WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING.

I would, if I had the opportunity, slug those fuckers with every ounce of my being,...and I would die feeling GREAT about that (forgive me all my heros)

[graywarrior]

25. Got that right!

:bounce:

[Pool Hall Ace]

9. Good grief, I wish I could offer you more.

But here is a hug. :hug:

[SeattleGirl]

10. Oh my God. Your load is staggering.

It's no wonder you feel as you do. You are "disconnected" in a big way right now; but I think that is a good thing. To be completely grounded in everything that is going on would be too much.

I agree with others who say that you need to do some things for yourself, too. I know you don't have a job, but doing something for yourself doesn't always take money. Yes, you need to be there for these people, but you also need to be there for yourself, and to reach out to others, and ask them to help YOU.

Years ago, when I was in therapy, I was going on and on and on one day about all the things going on in my life, and all the people I had to help, and how I was feeling so bad because sometimes I couldn't keep up. My therapist listened to me, then said something that I have never forgotten:

"Who recharges YOUR batteries?"

I was shocked to hear that. MY batteries? You mean I may need someone to prop me up sometimes? Wow! It literally never occurred to me until the therapist said that.

Do what you can for the others, but also do what you can for yourself. You need recharging sometimes too.

:hug:

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

18. I do NOT know where I ever got the notion I have no battery. I am suppose to be,...

,...uh,...without limits? Even when I have 'moments' where breathing in and out forge me forward,...no one EVER suggested,...

*lots of stuff passing through my mind*

I do need and want and deserve what I give. They are right THERE!!!! Why am I so afraid to allow them to give ME what I need? Weird!!!!

[zippy890]

12. wow. no wonder you are feeling crazy

a person can only take so much stress, it takes its toll.

when I was going through very difficult times therapy was helpful to me.

please take care of your own health. 'floating away and disconnecting' is not a healthy sign.

take some time for yourself. and keep in touch.

:hug:

[Sweet Freedom]

15. A hug for you.

:hug:

You aren't crazy at all. Keep posting if it makes you feel better. I would think it would help to get it all off of your chest.

Is there anything specific we can do to help you? Please let us know if there is.

[bluethruandthru]

16. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you!

I don't have much advice...but here's a hug! :hug:

[Cabcere]

17. I don't think you're crazy.

:hug: I felt kind of the same way earlier this year (and under much less stress than you're going through right now - you are such a strong person!)...I think it's pretty normal, as some people upthread have mentioned. I don't know if there's anything concrete I can do to help, but I will be sending good vibes your way...and of course lots of :hug: :hug: :hug:s. :pals: Peace.

[yellowdogintexas]

19. oh.my. dear. you need a hug, a drink, some good food, a maid

a kitty thread, a vacation, a job.

First of all: is hospice an option for any of these poor souls with the cancer? Hospice is a wonderful support system in addition to care for the ill person.

Second: if you are a church goer, is your minister aware? Our church has a volunteer group called Stephen Ministry which matches a person in need like you with an emotional and spiritual support person, sort of like ballast in a ship. It is a wonderful thing, and they specialize in persons such as you who are overwhelmed. Plus, you could get on the "casserole list" or however the bringing of food to those in bereavement or illness is handled in your group.

Third: Check out the counseling services available in your area, as often there are resources which are on sliding scale according to income ...a good talk once a week with a neutral third party would be wonderful.

Fourth: Take Good Care of Yourself Physically. You are running on adrenalin now but when these stressors start decreasing and you allow yourself to "return to normal" you are likely to be a walking target for every virus and bug in the area. After a very (similarly) stressful year and 1/2 about 26 years ago, I had the flu twice and two bouts of bronchitis, a surgery and a kidney stone. And I am never sick.

use our DU journal feature and vent.


hang in there we love you

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

23. Thank you all for,...paying attention to me. I have to pay attention to my neighbor/friend, now.

I will let him know that,...all ALL our lives touch and are being touched,...every moment,...every NANOSECOND of our lives. We are a precious pieces of a whole fabric we can not imagine.

:hug:

Living in a chronic corporate/fascist state makes any human being wonder about WORTH. Ask any survivor of the Holocaust (I have) what it is like,...to be treated as a "commodity" rather than a human being.

[pitohui]

26. that floating feeling is called dissociation

i have it as well, as a result of being in three natural disasters in a short amount of time

if you consider me normal, i guess it is a normal response to great stress

i don't think grieving is wrong in your circumstance, nor is the feeling of unreality that gives you distance to allow you to function, i think they are both normal

however, if you feel you can't function and if you think it's interfering with you being able to do what you want to do in life, you could consult a doctor because people who have very bothersome symptoms can get medicines to help with this -- scripts for SSRIs are supposedly thru the roof around here in the greater NO area

[GreenPartyVoter]

28. I am so sorry, Here is an energy-recharging hug! *hug*

[WinkyDink]

29. {{{sicksicksick_N_tired }}} Please hang in there, and keep us posted.

[TexasBushwhacker]

30. I've had a year like that

All I can do is offer a :hug: Things will get better, cuz they can't get much worse!

[Th1onein]

31. What you are feeling is normal, given your circumstances.

I think that, after a while, we have a tendency to dissassociate, when things get so bad that we can't handle them. Treat yourself as if you are very fragile, and do something that is life affirming, such as planting a garden, walking along the sea shore, etc. Get in touch with nature. It's always beautiful and calming.

You're making a step in the right direction, by learning about "learned helplessness." But, some of the things that have happened to you, well, I don't think they have much to do with learning helplessness. You've just had the bad fortune to be caught in the midst of a long, hard storm. Take care of yourself; be good to yourself; keep yourself safe. Weather the storm.

[Xipe Totec]

32. I truly don't know what to say

What you are going through is so far beyond anything I have experienced, that I feel unable to offer you any advice.

All I can offer you is my sympathy.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

[Mike03]

33. Multiple Losses

You are not crazy, but you definitely have the right to feel crazy right now.

I was actually asking myself the same question this morning, because I am suffering multiple losses at this time--not nearly as traumatic as yours, but getting into that ballpark. I thought/sometimes think I am cracking up or don't have the strength to make it through this period.

I've been doing things that are out of character for me. Having thoughts that are uncharacteristic. But from what I have read, this is the normal reaction to sustaining many traumatic losses in a relatively short period of time.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. But, in a selfish way, I am really relieved to read your post and know that I'm not alone.

Mike

[KitchenWitch]

34. You are in my most positive thoughts

I am sorry to hear you are having to endure all of this...

[Sugar Smack]

35. I'm so sorry.

:hug: Please stay strong. My thoughts are with you.

[Celebration]

36. I echo everything said here

And, try to cultivate an interest that is yours--something where you can be absorbed in an activity. You might try keeping a journal, too.

The darkest hour is just before dawn...........

Very sorry that you are having to go through all this. Yes, the out-of-body is a coping mechanism. Be grateful for it.