My M-I-L strikes again......

[malta blue]

She is coming for Christmas. She is a fundy. She wants me to go to church - I told her no.

So in exchange for having to spend Christmas eve in the Bronx with a household of Puertoricans (my side) she has asked that Christmas dinner be completely private - as in not including my stepdad at all! He is all alone and has no children of his own. He is 76 years old and I don't feel like he should spend Christmas night alone in his big, old house, when only 12 miles away, I am enjoying a dinner with my husband and his mother.

I know I have to say this is unacceptable....

I need some moral support - DH agrees this is a selfish request from his mom, but is completely willing to appease her.

Help!

[IndianaJones]

1. lay the smack down. nt.

[Deep13]

2. Your casa, your rules.

If you are the ones hosting dinner, you can invinte anyone you want. It is not your job to protect her artificially delicate sensibilities.

[malta blue]

5. She is rather freaky about things and we have had

out share of email arguements - one of which has resulted in her daughter (my S-I-L) completely eliminating mom from her life because of the baseless attacks on me.

Now this....

:banghead:

She has never visited our home before and I told DH that the rules were no mention of god, gays, guns or immigrants because I cannot stomach that bigotry in my house. He said she has agreed, but yet she asked that I go to church...
:nuke:

[Deep13]

10. "yet she asked that I go to church..."

Thanks for the invitation, but no. It is not a negotiation. She can either accept your holiday invitation or not.

[malta blue]

15. I wish she were not coming.....

but she already bought her plane tix and....well $hit, I can already tell ya, I'll be doing some holiday drinking this year....

[MorningGlow]

24. Ah..."please go to church with me" as a controlling device

I know it well! I have a "fundie Catholic" aunt who pulls this all the time. It has nothing to do with sharing an experience with God and everything to do with forcing her own religion on people who may not agree with her beliefs. (In my more generous moments I believe that this type of person wants "nonbelievers" to be converted...but those moments don't come along very often!)

Your rules are very fair. She's an adult. If she can't play by those rules, including that your dinner will be open to YOUR family member, then she can stay home or stay in her guest room or whatever. If she's going to act like a child, she can pout by herself.

Sorry your DH is siding with her. I can see how that could happen, though. It's easy to feel the need to appease a domineering mother--hard to break away from that if he's been doing it all his life.

Good luck. Sending good vibes that the situation will work out for the best for all involved.

[malta blue]

29. The funny part is that I am Catholic. She wants to go to church....

I said fine, my church. She said it had to be something else - she doesn't even belong to a church where she lives, so I have no idea where she gets off on this stuff.

She won't go to my church. I won't go - PERIOD!

And you are right, she is a very domineering person.

:hug:

[MorningGlow]

37. Egad

Well, there's your problem right there--you got yourself one crazy lady, doncha know.

If she's so religious, she should get down on her knees and thank her Lord every day of her life that she still has one child who will still speak to her. With insanity and selfishness and a controlling nature on that level, she just might even find that her son gets fed up with her. If that turns out to be the case, she could end up one very, VERY lonely woman in her dotage.

Sheesh--more good vibes for you, MB. And you know what, good vibes for your MIL as well. She's gonna need them if she's ever going to tweak to how she's behaving.

:hug:

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

52. You're Catholic? And she won't go?

I'm not Catholic, but I think Catholic churches have the best Christmas services. As long as it's not in Latin. (my Latin is real weak)

Unitarian isn't so bad either, but it's different, way-low-key.

Can you split Christmas? Have Xmas eve dinner with your dad, xmas-day dinner with MIL, something like that? You can't leave your dad in the cold.

Basically, this sucks. Have you talked to your dad, see what his feelings are about all this? Maybe he'd rather spend Christmas in P.R. (in fact, that sounds good to me!)

[malta blue]

53. I am already splitting hairs on Christmas....

I spend Christmas eve with my Dad and the puertorican side of the family down in NYC and then Christmas dinner I have with my stepdad - he and my mom are divorced, but he is still family after 25 years - you know.

And she says Catholics are hypocrites so she won't set foot in their church - but lest we forget that she is an evangelical that does not even belong to ANY church.

Aw hell - it's just one big clusterf..k

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

58. Well, I'll give you this, M-B,

I admire that you've started your Christmas Stressing early this year. I usually wait until after the Thanksgiving family juggling act.

I have no good ideas about the MIL. Enjoy the other parts of the holidays!

:hi:

[malta blue]

59. ...

:rofl:

I got an early start due to her request this morning...

Usually I don't stress at all, I love spending the holidays with my family and loved ones.

:hi:

[Rhiannon12866]

86. Well, that's just way over the top.

I agree with the poster who said if it's your house, then she should play by your rules. And your stepdad should definitely be included in your dinner. What the hell is her problem with him? Probably nothing, but it's just an attempt to exert control. Your family is just as important as your husband's. My mother (as I've told you) is much the same. No matter how old I get, she will always be older, and thus she will always know better than me. *sigh* :-(

I actually thought of suggesting that you tell her that you're Catholic, LOL. Most of my family is, as well, and I have no gripes with Catholics since they're secure in their faith and have no need to proselytize (Well, except for my mother, but she wants to have control over everything since I'm her daughter, including my political convictions. *sigh*).

I would celebrate (or not) the holidays any way that you wish. I know that this is easier said than done. But you also have your child to consider, and that should count for a lot, bringing her up in the way that makes you feel comfortable. My friend in dog rescue actually has a worse problem than yours. Her in-laws are Jewish and often come for the holidays, so my friend, who is an atheist, is stuck celebrating ALL of the religious holidays that there are...:-(

Get your husband to back you on the situation with your stepdad. Certainly he can see your point, even if she is his mother. Good luck and hang tough. I've been there, my friend, and sure sympathize...:hug:

[malta blue]

90. Hey friend.....

Thanks so much for your input - thankfully Mr MB is is total agreement with me now on this and will be telling his mom that my stepdad comes to dinner or she does not.

:hug:

You just HAVE to see my new little dog....

[Rhiannon12866]

92. I am so glad to hear this!

Have you blocked out FOX Noise on your TV yet? LOL.:rofl:

And I would love to see your little dog! (And Luna, too...) You will definitely be charmed by mine. He attracts attention wherever he goes, he's so unusual and personable...:loveya:

I got some good news the last time that I went to the vet. The vet tech in rescue who I asked about a dog for you also told me about a little Westie that she had, with a terrible skin condition, so bad that she didn't know if she could ever place him. *sigh* I used to have a Cairn and I just couldn't get him out of my mind, like I need a third dog or more vet bills... But my vet told me that he's been adopted, by his assistant, my favorite person to get there, since he's so wonderful with my guys and has been incredibly kind to me, and was to Joe, when we lost Amos...;(

I have been pretty much of a mess, lately. I should PM you about it, but that's why I haven't been on DU much. I was supposed to take Jack on a "play date" with a girl who I met in Price Chopper, and turned on to Dogster, who has an adorable cocker spaniel (my previous breed, have had four in my life), but I never got in touch with her, either, I was such a mess. But things appear to have settled down, for good, I hope...*fingers crossed*:hug:

[Rhiannon12866]

93. BTW, here's my little guy in action...

He's only 14 lbs., but is best buddies with Al's huge Airedale who I think outweighs me... I've been wanting to get this for ages. He likes to run around in circles, and one of his most amusing tricks is to use the back of the recliner as a trampoline, pushing off with his back feet which shoots him out in the middle of the room, over and over and over, LOL.:rofl:

Of course, it figures that when we finally recorded him doing it, the house was a mess and there was a pedophile on the TV (Dateline NBC). *sigh*:eyes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tv4cQ1jdc34

on edit:typo:blush:

[malta blue]

98. That is too cute....

Luna has been loving the new baby - her name is Egypt:


Egypt will do the same thing to Luna, except Luna will go right after her - even with her loss of hearing and vision, she still manages to pin the little devil down. It was spooky for Little MB when she first saw Luna put her jaws around the little one's neck, but I knew that Luna would never hurt her - in fact, DH says I have added years to Luna's life by getting her a toy...

:rofl:

[Rhiannon12866]

99. Oh, how adorable! Thank you! I think I'm in love and I want one, LOL.

I'm so glad to hear that she's bonded with Luna, since I know that you were worried about that. And I agree with your DH that she is very good for Luna, to have a companion and friend.:-)

It's much the same for Charlie. Al sometimes works long hours and I think he must have been lonely and bored, but he's thrilled with Jack. I was hoping so much that Jack would bond with Meneken, since he was not used to being an only dog. I had my cocker, Sheena, when I adopted him and they were inseparable. He was totally lost when we lost her and I kept telling the vets that this couldn't happen. *sigh*

But then Sara found me, and she was perfect from day one and put up with his orneriness, became his protector. I lost her very suddenly, last year, and had no plans to get another dog after he'd been through all that, but then a vet tech, who used to work for my vet, contacted me about another Brussels Griffon that she was fostering because she remembered Meneken.:-)

The only problem was that Jack was only five months old, a bit much for Meneken *sigh*, but I thought that they'd be okay when he got a little older, but that was not to be.;( I generally take the older ones. Meneken was nine when I adopted him, and Sheena and Sara were both eight. But little Jack has truly bonded with Charlie, so it's worked out...:D

And it's wonderful that little MB has another furry friend to love. I think that this is important for kids. I credit my Dad for my love of animals, since he sure did, even loved my lab rat who I brought home with me from college. My friend (whom you may have met) has a little girl about the same age and she considers the three cats and three dogs to be her siblings. She is off to a good start, too.:hi:

[Critters2]

94. Okay, this helps.

I thought you were just saying "NO!" to church in general. That bothered me. But now that I get it, I think you're right. She's your guest. It won't kill her to worship with you and your family. In fact, it may be good for her.

But, as someone who serves a church lots of fundies won't set foot in, I know how they can be. I just this weekend had a long conversation with two of my confirmands about their friends who invite them to youth groups, but won't come to ours because we're not "real Christians". That is so hurtful, especially for kids. And it is SOOOO NOT what Jesus taught.

[malta blue]

95. Thanks for understanding....

I appreciate that. I really have nothing against other denominations either, per se, but I was not about to let her dictate which church I go to as well.

Plus, Little MB is all Catholic - she gets our of whack just having a substitute priest because he may sing in a different way. Imagine that.

[Rhiannon12866]

96. I absolutely agree with you. Attending church doesn't make anybody a Christian.

One of the biggest beefs that my mother has with me is that I don't go to church. We've been having this argument for half of my life, but she still won't let it drop. She is very active in the church, and that's fine, but you'd think that she'd get more out of it. *sigh* She thinks that my holier-than-though brother walks on water because he now goes with her, one of the rare times that he leaves the house, and he's been abusive towards me...:-(

I went to a candlelight vigil in my small town shortly before * launched the Iraq war. I found myself standing next to my mother's priest and I cringed, since that's her other big beef with me, she's "ashamed" of my politics. *sigh*

But when one of the people in his group pointed me out to him, that I was my mother's daughter, and I told him that she wouldn't exactly approve that I was there, his reply was that "you can't tell that woman anything..." I guess that she doesn't realize that he's a liberal too...:D

[Critters2]

97. Actually, I do think one is likely to experience God more fully

in community. I'm a Reformed Christian, and this is pretty central to our faith...that one ought to belong to a faith community to be close to God. I just don't feel free to tell people which faith community.

[Rhiannon12866]

100. The thing is, I consider what anybody believes to be personal and sacrosanct.

You can't tell anyone else what to believe and that goes for both religion and politics. The fact that the Republicans are dragging religion into the political process is unacceptable to me. And you'd think that they'd want to step off of this, after how it's worked out with the current squatter-in-chief...:-(

[Critters2]

101. Oh, it's unacceptable to me, too.

I've written two lttes about Illinois' ridiculous new law mandating a moment of silence in public schools. This is clearly intended as a slippery-slope to school prayer. Families and religious congregations should be encouraging kids to pray...not the government. I fear religious ed in the public schools, because I belong to a very liberal church, and they won't be teaching MY religion in the schools.

That said, I still think people know God best in community...amid all the joys and trials of dealing with other human beings. I like to say "I've accepted Jesus as my communal Lord and Savior"--he's not my personal possession.

I don't tell people what to believe. I know what my tradition teaches, and those who find it an attractive message are welcome. Everyone else is welcome to find what resonates with them.

Oh, and the Republicans are fine with how it's worked out with the current squatter-in-chief...and THAT is the scary thing!

:hi:

[WolverineDG]

3. It's your house, so your rules

I see someone else has given you the same advice, but it's worth repeating. I was always told that a good guest respects the wishes of his/her host & if those are objectionable, should politely decline the invitation. Since your step-dad is family, he should be included in a "private" family dinner.

Here's a :hug: from me.

dg

[malta blue]

7. Yes my stepdad is "family" so I don't know

WTF her problem is....perhaps it's because he is Jewish and she is a fundy :shrug: but I really don't give a rat's @$$ about that.

Thanks for the hug - I really need it.

[WolverineDG]

44. Don't tell her Jesus was Jewish

That might make her head explode. ;) If she still gets all huffy, tell her Jesus had dinner with thieves, prostitutes, & worst of all, tax collectors, so if He could do it, she can. :eyes:

dg

[malta blue]

45. I think that is going to be the route I will take with her...

Thanks.

[cobalt1999]

4. Why does she get any say so?

It's your house, your rules. Screw what she wants.

[malta blue]

9. I can't believe that DH is so willing to

allow this too!

It is really not in the "Christmas" spirit to let an old man spend the day alone...right?

[cobalt1999]

11. There's your problem.

DH needs to grow a pair and stand up to mom.

[malta blue]

13. absolutely - and I have told him this before....

She is a master manipulator - in fact, she convinced him to try and break up with me when we were dating because I was not Christian enough....she almost had him too, but then I told him to get over it - it's not like he is a fundy!!!

[cobalt1999]

69. This is actually a struggle between you and your husband

He's just using his mother as a proxy. Your issue isn't her, it's him.

Good Luck.

[malta blue]

79. This is a huge struggle....he is still the little abandoned

boy inside.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

77. Moms from Hell can inflict everlasting trauma on people.

There's a scared little child inside your husband that's afraid Mom will press a red button and send him to Hell if he doesn't do like Mommy says.

[malta blue]

80. Mommy already left him once when he was a little boy.

Therein lies the problem.

[Gormy Cuss]

6. Once more:

Your house, your rules. You can explain to her that you are sympathetic to her desire to have a peaceful dinner and that's why it will be a small gathering including your stepfather.

If she can't understand why you would to invite him there, she's no Christian.

[malta blue]

8. Oh I have told her on more than one occasion that she is

no Christian....

I suppose I will have to haul that one out again :mad:

Or I could just go to my step-dad's house and cook HIM a yummy meal and let her have her mommy time....

[Gormy Cuss]

20. You know, that may not be a bad idea.

If little MB won't be caught up in the drama then framing it as giving her some alone time with DH may solve the problem. Leave a couple of frozen turkey dinners in the freezer and go cook where your efforts will be appreciated. :evilgrin:

[malta blue]

23. Little MB will be with her Daddy by dinnertime, so

MR MB and his mommy can enjoy the fruits of his labors in the kitchen.

[ceile]

21. You know what? That's not a bad idea.

Maybe have lunch w/ her and then go have dinner w/ dad. Would certainly save some stress.

[malta blue]

26. That sounds like an option too...

thanks
:hi:

[Tyler Durden]

12. GUESTS come at the sufferance of the HOST....

And MY opinion is that GUESTS with uncordial attitudes and behavior fast find themselves UNINVITED.

I say BITCH comes to MY HOUSE, BITCH walks MY LINE.

[malta blue]

14. Wanna come over for Christmas dinner?

:rofl:

[Tyler Durden]

46. Well, THANK YOU!....

But as this might be the last one we get to spend in our beautiful 105 year old house in town, I think the girls are expecting me to do the Turkey thingy.

[malta blue]

48. But I have a beautiful 117 year old

house that could use some more people for dinner....

:rofl:

[Tyler Durden]

78. I might bite your MIL....

My house rules: if you can't say something nice, we'll feed you to the Corgis and they are always hungry.

[malta blue]

81. LOL - think I can train the rat terrier to bite? nt

[Heidi]

16. If she wants to make the rules, she can host the dang thing at her place.

I'm guessing that'd be a gathering of one, though.

[malta blue]

18. well considering DH is the only family member that

will still talk to her, yes, it would be a lovely dinner for one - in ATLANTA, not upstate NY.

[guitar man]

17. gawd, I know how you feel

We have our share of fundies in the family, both sides, especially hers. I stopped walkng on eggshells around them years ago, especially in my own home. They don't like it, there's the damn door. They might think they are supposed to run the world, but not in my home they don't.

[malta blue]

22. Thanks...

:hi:

I don't have any fundies in my family - my dad likes Bu$h - but he can't vote anyway because he was a draft-dodger in the 60's.... :rofl: (I don't quite understand him, but heck, he doesn't preach to me)

My poor stepdad will be all alone - I mean he has NO ONE, just him and his three cats - it's not right!

I guess this first visit by her may very well be the last....

[guitar man]

34. I had it out with my MIL years ago

she's gone now, passed in '03, but back in the early 90's when we were first married, she was a problem. About the 3rd time she tried to start dictating terms in my home, I read her the riot act. And I let my wife know in no uncertain terms she could either stand with me or hit the door with her mom. The MIL learned to respect me after that... ;)

[malta blue]

38. Well, having been married for two years (our anniversary

is this Saturday) and having only met her ONCE, at our wedding, this Christmas should prove to be very interesting.....

[guitar man]

47. it sounds like you're lucky

in that she isn't around very much. My MIL lived right down the road from us, so we saw her often. The thing that I had to make clear with mine was that I respected her views and beliefs and all I expected in return was that she respect mine. Later on, we were able to sit down and have some great discussions about many things. Once we got past our differences, it was a pleasant surprise to find out how much we had in common.

[malta blue]

39. dupe - delete

[Lex]

19. Why should she dictate that *you* go to church? She should do

what she wants to do with herself. If she wants to go to church, fine.

She's not in charge of those decisions for other adults and maybe someone ought to clue her in on that.

Also, she's not in charge of setting the agenda for who's invited to your house for dinner either.

[malta blue]

32. My point exactly, except that the other person

in my house does not get it...
:nuke:

[Lex]

33. So he's enabling her.

He's allowing her, helping her really, in gettting away with dictating to other adults what they will and will not do.

That's how she came to believe she could do this sort of thing in the first place.

[malta blue]

35. You are so right!

I am going to have to put my foot down on this one, and it sucks because he is always in the middle between me and her.

[Kajsa]

25. No Stepdad- No Dinner!

Remind this Fundy that it is Christmas!

Where's the peace, love and acceptance-huh?

Dear God, these Fundies are heretics!!


:nuke:

[malta blue]

36. Ah yes, the hypocrisy!

It's all about her, you know?

:mad:

[Blue Diadem]

27. IMO, you should do what you feel is right and don't let MIL dictate

what you do for the holiday. Like the others have said, your house, your rules, your step-Dad.

I know how difficult it is..been there with my own Mil who made just about any holiday uncomfortable.

[malta blue]

42. Thank goodness she lives a plane ride away

and I plan on keeping it that way.

[Blue Diadem]

57. A plane ride away is good.

Just remember, we're all here to support you. :hug:

[malta blue]

60. thats why I lurv DU

:hug:

I can always count on my fellow DUers to listen to me rant about this freakshow and give me some needed hugs.

Thanks
:hi:

[Lady Freedom]

28. Why can't you have your family too?

He maybe your stepdad, but he is still your family. And if it is a FAMILY gathering then he is welcome too! (LF2C)

[malta blue]

41. Family is what it's supposed to be about, right?

Well, he's not blood, but he has been in my family for 25 years - that should count right. I've only met this looney bird ONCE - I think she should be the one left out!

[guitar man]

49. here's what I can't figure out

maybe I missed it in the thread somewhere, but, What is her problam with your stepdad? Is he a pagan or a devil worshipper or something?

[malta blue]

50. It's not that she has anything against him per se....

She just feels that she won't get enough mommy/son time in during her one week visit :wow:

She has only met him once, at the wedding, and they seemed to get along just fine. In fact, all my family was very nice to her, even though she was freaky to everyone, and preachy to them.

[guitar man]

51. oh

How selfish. Did it ever occur to her that you might want a little daughter/stepdad time during the holiday? Probably not....

[malta blue]

54. Exactly !

I already left him out on Christmas eve to spend it with my biological dad!

She is just being purely selfish :nuke: :nuke:

[ThomCat]

30. The holidays are the time to be social.

You're right in this.

[malta blue]

40. Thanks friend....

She is such a horrible human and I am putting up with her crazy self for Christmas - the least she could do is STFU!

[Orsino]

31. "Jesus dined with tax collectors. How were you planning to celebrate his birthday?" n/t

[malta blue]

43. Yes he did, didn't he....with the tax collectors and the lepers

and the sinners.

I think she could dine with a lonely old man!

THANKS!

[nickgutierrez]

55. If you have to, tell her you're going along with it and invite your stepdad anyway.

Make sure he's there before she arrives, so that it's impossible for her to get her way without causing a huge scene. There should be no way his mother should be allowed to have her way, to the exclusion of other members of your family.

[malta blue]

56. She is visiting from out of town, so she will already

be at the house. I am going to put my foot down on this one. I have to put up with her fundy emails and lectures about how Rush Limpballs is the most knowledgeable person in the media :puke: and how I need to listen to him more often - I would see the light...

:mad:

[Pierre.Suave]

61. this would be my answer...

I will go to church when you can prove your invisible sky daddie actually exists...

Oh yeah, and my stepdad is coming to celebrate Christmas with us, deal with it. Did god not say to love others as you love yourself?

Make her feel guilty for being a bad christian.

God I hate those poeple...

[malta blue]

64. I have pointed out her hypocrisy on so many occasions

it hurts my brain to even think about it.

I will be playing the christian card though, it is the only one that I think DH will allow me to pull. I can't pull the "it's my house" because it is his house too and he is okay :wow: with her request.

Thanks jasonc :hi:

[Ellen Forradalom]

62. Here's a real WWJD moment

Ask her if her attitude is consistent with Jesus' approach to hospitality and friendship.

Jesus did not reject people from his company because they were not family or friends, prominent or holy. In the story of the loaves and fishes, he took care of the immediate needs of the crowd. In Matthew 11:28, 29, he says: “Come unto me all you that labour and are heavy laden. And I will give you rest…You shall find rest for your souls.”

[malta blue]

65. It is so sad that I have to recite scripture to someone

who claims to be an evangelical :shrug:

Thanks for the direct quote!

[Ellen Forradalom]

68. It's embodied in his whole attitude towards people

his idea of the Kingdom of God. It's all over the New Testament: Don't pray in public; don't be like the fancy-pants Pharisees; whoever does this for the least among us does this for me; come to me who are tired and I shall give you rest. He was inclusive, going directly those most in need.

Makes me wonder if your MIL ever actually read the Gospels.

[malta blue]

70. She once gave me a subscription to a bible magazine

that had a bible story for every day of the month. I cancelled it but donated the ones I had received to the local catholic school.

She sure is preachy about stuff she doesn't really understand - I was a religion minor, I really don't need her to tell me what I already have read....and you are right, I wonder if she has actually sat down and read it herself?

[Ellen Forradalom]

72. She'd wet herself

if she knew of all the sex, violence, perversion and subversion in that book.

[malta blue]

73. ...

:rofl:

I know....

[Midlodemocrat]

63. That's a deal breaker.

I would tell her if she didn't want to include your stepdad, she is welcome to spend the holiday at her home....alone.

My husband's family was like that. Always wanting to exclude mine, so I finally had to let them have it.

[malta blue]

67. It really IS a deal breaker, and as pointed out so many

times in this thread, so very unchristian of her to request that a person be alone on Christmas just to satisfy her selfish needs to spend time with her son!

It's bad enough that she is coming for a week. I am actually terrified of how she will behave with my family on Christmas Eve since she is racist, anti-immigrant and a fundy. I come from a puertorican/dominican family which includes a wide range of skin color. My cousins like to joke that I am the whitest dominirican they have ever seen and I must have been switched at birth :rofl: We are all catholics, but very few of us actually practice - mostly CAPE catholics.

That alone should prove to be an interesting evening....

[tuckessee]

66. What a b*tch!

Tell her if your stepdad is not allowed to come (and treated with respect) then you'll throw her cruel, sorry, manipulative ass out to the curb.

Oh yeah, your husband needs to learn to be man. He should support you 100% on this. If he doesn't, you might as well find a divorce lawyer or your life is going to miserable.

[malta blue]

74. She would be mighty cold if I put her on the curb...

:rofl:

She is from Atlanta and we live in upstate NY...

And you are right about DH.

:hi:

[Phillycat]

71. Your problem is not with your MIL, it's with your husband.

[malta blue]

76. You make a damn good point there jansez....

I will have to remind him of that.

:hi:

[MadHound]

75. Your house, your rules, if your MIL can't deal, then she can't come, that simple. n/t

[malta blue]

82. That simple is easier said than done when you

add up all the drama between her and DH.

I wish it were so simple - with my family it is.

:hi:

[MadHound]

83. You're right, it is easier said than done

And I don't know the drama between her and your husband. But having difficult(and well armed) in laws myself, I've found that the sooner you put your foot down, the easier it will be. Letting your MIL get between you and your step father is simply wrong. Your husband sounds llike he supports you, at least in name. Perhaps he should be the one to reign in his mother:shrug: If not, you should, now. Otherwise this is going to become an ongoing ordeal, year in and year out, and could become a real sore spot in your marriage.

Or simply go ahead and invite your step father over for Christmas and don't tell your MIL. Then she will either be forced to accept it, or throw a fit for the whole world to see.

I feel for you and wish you the best of luck, it sounds like you'll need it.

[Bassic]

84. Invite your dad.

Who is she to decide which family members don't get invited to your house?

[malta blue]

85. I am on the phone with Mr MB right now,

and he has fallen prey to her manipulative ways.

Although he will tell her not to come if that is the end all.

[MissMillie]

87. it is YOUR house... right?

geez....

[July]

88. My two cents, FWIW.

I've been there with a narcissistic manipulator (my mother). I sympathize with your husband, because I believe it is especially difficult to get out from under the mind games of a parent. Luckily, he's got you!

In my opinion, there is no value in trying to reason with a person like this. They are very skilled in rationalizing and in turning you into the bad guy and themselves into the victims.

What I've learned the hard way is to do two things:

(1) Set boundaries. Be firm about this, and if you have to, pull out the consequences when the boundaries are crossed. For example, "My stepdad will be joining us, and that's not negotiable." If she says, "Well, I'm not coming then," you say, "That is up to you, because stepdad is coming." When a manipulator knows FOR SURE that you mean business, she will develop fear of you, and, unfortunately, in this case it is better to be feared than loved. Your MIL does not fear her son, and his acquiescence gives her no anxiety. For your own sake, making her anxious -- that is, making her feel that her "authority" holds little sway with you -- is a positive thing. If you let her, she'll run roughshod over you, as she appears to be doing with her son.

(2) Don't explain. Note that in the statement above, there is no followup explanation. You are not saying "My stepdad will be joining us because he is important to me and because it is my house and because it is in the Christmas spirit to be inclusive." You could list twelve other good reasons and they will not matter to your MIL. She just wants to have her own way, and giving reasons just gives her an opportunity to attempt to chip away at your resolve (or to score manipulation points with your DH). Everyone who has kids knows the drill; sometimes you just have to say "Because I said so" in order to avoid the 45-minute back-and-forth about why your reasoning is "wrong." Unless you plan to change your mind, there is no value in keeping the conversation going. Being very, very clear, brief, and firm in your statement reinforces the fact that YOU and not SHE are in charge.

I'm not saying it's easy. I have had to train myself to do these things with my own mother in order to live the way I want to live, and it's not fun shutting her down when, say, she starts criticizing my late father or very ill brother for the nine thousandth time, or when she tries to take over a family gathering and push all of us siblings around. But it has to be done.

And, a warning: She's not going to change, and you'll have to deal with her attempts at manipulation again and again. That's yet another reason that it's best to keep it short but strong. Eventually, it will be easier.

Hope my experience is of some use to you.

[malta blue]

89. I can;t believe this thread has resurfaced....but WOW

thanks so much for sharing this with me.

I have talked with my husband until I am blue in the face about all the reasons why my stepdad should be included, and he agrees with every single one of them, but yet can't tell her that. Your explanation really rings true.

He did talk to her and his only feedback was "it did not go well".

He is prepared to tell her to stay in Georgia and not come to NY if she is not prepared to accept the fact that my stepdad is coming. So in that sense, I think it will all turn out okay.

Thanks so much...

:hi:

[July]

91. You're welcome.

I'm glad if anything I said was helpful. PM me any time. I was once in the same place your DH is in, but I've learned a lot through the years. I hope you both have a wonderful holiday.

[GreenPartyVoter]

102. Where I come from company does not dictate to the host(ess) how things are gonna be

Stand up for yourself and step dad. MIL can just get over it.

[YDogg]

103. Damn. I thought you said M-I-L-F ...