Do you think I'm selfish?

[From The Ashes]

self-centered? :shrug:

[fizzgig]

1. i wouldn't say so

:hug:

[From The Ashes]

7. ....

:hug:

[mzteris]

2. You?

NO!

Hell No.

Who said such an idiotic thing?

[From The Ashes]

8. nobody told me...

I think I am.

[mzteris]

10. based on what,

exactly?

I'm sorry, but I think that's a crock. From what we know of you (and granted maybe everything is all made up and the reality is something completely different, but . . . I don't think so!) - you appear to be a very kind and compassionate, very giving person.

Stop the negative self-talk. You're special and you deserve better!

:hug:

[From The Ashes]

19. Because I feel sorry for myself...

a lot. I'm alone and lonely and fuck it all, here comes the fucking holidays. x( My Granddaughter is likely to be a toddler before I get to see her. If I had another human in this house they'd get to hear all this angst. :hug:

[mzteris]

22. feeling sorry for yourself

doesn't make you selfish; it makes you HUMAN.

You've been through a hell of a lot and have every right to "feel sorry for yourself". You lost your partner, moved to a totally new state (so lost any and all things "familiar", really.)

Missing your granddaughter! Hell, that's enough right there to send a normal person over the edge.

We're your "family" right now. Y'all are MY family right now. (Except for the boys and I can't really vent to them, you know!)

Hon - give yourself a break. It's okay to feel sorry for yourself. Just don't wallow in it. Do it and get up the next day and say - THAT's done! and DO SOMETHING for yourself. or Go buy that granddaughter a cute outfit or toy and mail it off. Sit down and write her a journal about you and your life - and/or about her parent's life as a child - something she can really treasure when she's older.

Holidays suck, period.

I HATE holidays.

I hate Christmas and Easter and Birthdays and New Years and Valentines day and anniversaries and Memorial Day and anything that requires the whole "celebratory" thing. I shoulda been a Jehovah's Witness or something. :P

I don't know why, either. I used to like those things. But - it just all seems sooooooo phony. So $$ oriented. TOO much trouble. Too = I dunno. I'd just as soon hide in the closet until it's over. I still have to "fake" it because I have the kids, but it's getting harder and harder to do. I resent all the BS that goes into "holidays". (Ooops - sorry for my rant in your thread. :( )

Anyway chica - it's OKAY. It will BE OKAY. You'll be okay. Cut yourself some slack. You've got a lot on your plate right now.

[Fire Walk With Me]

3. Who's telling you these things?

Consider it and let it go if it doesn't fit. If it does, you can fix it. We accept you either way.

[From The Ashes]

9. I am telling me these things...

:( I can't seem to shake this shit. ;(

[Fire Walk With Me]

25. Are you blaming yourself for what happened? It's not you.

You may have things to work through, patterns that put you in the situation you were in, but beating yourself up won't move you out of it. It'll just make it worse. Don't dwell on the emotions, don't let the energy swell.

If you -do- have things to work through, it's only that, no need to self-recriminate. Just aknowledge and ask how to move on to new behaviours.

Do you think that you're over-demanding? If you're feeling hurt and demand that people not act in ways that hurt you, you're being true to yourself. And of course, people cannot unfortunately be controlled without harming yourself in the process. People do shitty, unconscious, ignorant things. I'm enduring endless ignorant treatment myself. Most people are robots who are only capable of functioning from what they know, not what they can consider or extrapolate to. Most love the little thrill of judgement over actually understanding what's going on with another, and why. I always try to understand what's going on with others before I act. If I'm off on someone, it's because I've found that they're well, well, well-deserving of being called out. Know them by their phony innocence. Cupidity. And destructive results. That -is- worth calling out, just as we do so to Republicans. Same difference.

Can you tell yourself the truth about yourself? Is there anything that you don't want to consider? That's where the healing is. Admitting weakness, lack, insufficiency is not "the end" but the beginning.

[From The Ashes]

27. My problem is this...

...in moving 1400 miles away from my problem, I moved 1400 miles from my kids. Oh sure, they're 20 and 24 years old, but I'm having trouble shaking the notion that they're still little boys who need their mommy. I know logically, that they don't need me as much anymore but the guilt still burns.

And did I mention that we're heading into the most family-centered holidays of the year? :banghead: Maybe I ought to get another job for my days off, then I can work myself into oblivion?

[skygazer]

30. Hi, From The Ashes

I haven't been around here much so I don't know the backstory but this post tells me a lot so may I weigh in?

I think I can understand what you're feeling - I moved to California from Vermont in 1998 to get away from a lot of bad memories and situations and to build a new life. In the process, I left everything and everyone I loved, including three kids.

My daughters were teenagers and lived with their dad in Connecticut and my son was 11 years old and lived with his dad in Virginia. And I felt like the world's worst mom by leaving them - especially my little boy. It also took me about 2 years to get used to the idea that my time was all my own now - that I didn't have to think about arranging it around my kids or feeling guilty that I didn't. I've been a mom since I was 19 - that was strange.

I won't say the guilt is completely gone - it never will be. I think it's a mom thing. But I have rebuilt a good life and I'm happy and secure in it. And my kids are all doing pretty well. My oldest daughter married a Republican which kills me but she's okay and has 2 kids of her own. My younger daughter got married last year. And my son will be 21 this December and he's a great kid.

All of them love me, tell me so and understand why I had to move out here. They're proud of me and tell me I've been an inspiration of strength and resilience for them.

Kids - even young kids - have more savvy than we often give them credit for. They know who loves them and cares about them even if those people aren't close by. I understand how you feel. Please understand that it's normal. But don't beat yourself up. :hug:

[From The Ashes]

32. Hi skygazer...

you've spoken to me before. Back when I was TOhioLiberal, that is. Thanks for the advice, it's helpful. I hate feeling this way. :hug:

[skygazer]

35. I like the new name

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[From The Ashes]

33. double post...

:hi:

[Fire Walk With Me]

46. Your answer to my last post tells all. Excellent answers too.

Now is the time to care for yourself. No guilt. Get it together and you'll be able to be a better dad to your children, no matter where you are. I'm sure that like us, they want you to be well and happy.

:hug:

[From The Ashes]

48. a better dad?

...When did I get the sex change? :hi::rofl:

[Fire Walk With Me]

50. Well, there's the beauty of "knowing" people over the internet!

:blush:

:hi:

[From The Ashes]

51. ...

:rofl::hi::hug:

[lost-in-nj]

4. HUH???

is it someone here??

we can get Skittles

she kicks ass....


lost

[From The Ashes]

11. Skittles would be kicking my ass...

:(

[KitchenWitch]

5. Oh hell no, and stop listening to the one that IS!

:hug:

[From The Ashes]

13. It's not him this time...

...Although I'm sure he holds that opinion, master of projection that he is. This is my problem and I have to find the answer.

[KitchenWitch]

15. Your inner voice is incorrect in this case.

:hug:

:loveya:

[porphyrian]

6. Is that like someone asking if their butt looks too big? - n/t

[From The Ashes]

14. We all are selfish about something aren't we?

[porphyrian]

17. I don't want to speak for other people, but I know I am.

Sometimes it's even justified.

[Amerigo Vespucci]

12. The road to recovery is admitting you have the problem.

:evilgrin:

[From The Ashes]

16. I have the problem...

:shrug:

[Amerigo Vespucci]

31. So you're 99% ahead of everyone else who has the problem and hasn't admitted it.

I mean, I sense a lot of love in this thread.

:evilgrin:

Look at the people who are coming out of the woodwork to lend you support.

That's POWER, my friend!

:toast:

[SPKrazy]

18. why?

do you think you are?

:shrug:

otherwise I have nothing to base it on

except your behavior in the lounge

which doesn't seem selfish or self centered

:hug:
:hug:

[From The Ashes]

21. Working through some self pity...

...that I'd be laying on another human if he or she was here.

[lost-in-nj]

24. I can relate to

self pity.....



:pals: :pals:

I think someone put it in the water tonight.....


lost

[SPKrazy]

29. well self pity

is my specialty

lay it on if you need to

:hug:

[Wapsie B]

20. No, not af all.

I agree with others upthread. You can't beat yourself up like that.

[From The Ashes]

23. unfortunately I can and I am...

depression sucks...I thought I left it behind me. Guess it wasn't as far behind as I thought. :shrug:

[Wapsie B]

26. It can take a long time to conquer, even with good treatment.

Take it from someone who knows. Going through big life changes like a divorce really knocks people for a loop.

[Gormy Cuss]

28. Hey You! Yah, I mean YOU!

Do not beat yourself up over some generalized feeling of selfishness (self-protection is selfish)
or self-centeredness (bulletin: you had your apple cart turned upside down and then run over by a truck. It's a very good time to be more than a little self-centered for your own good.)
Skittles may have to stand in line to kick your ass if you stay in the mood!


Okay, now for the rest of it. Your persona here suggests to me that you care very deeply for your family and friends. You left a big chunk of that network in Ohio not so long ago. Having uprooted myself twice in a similar fashion, let me assure you that the first year is unbelievably hard. The first time I moved away I was not that far but didn't have the $$$ to visit every weekend, which what I really wanted to do. I was lucky to go home about once every 3 months and still some of the days in between were really rotten. What you are experiencing sounds ABSOLUTELY normal to me.

If you feel overwhelmed however, please find a support group or a sliding scale fee counselor. I promise you, you are not alone in this process.

[From The Ashes]

36. Thanks Gormy...

...Intellectually I know this stuff. Emotionally is another story. Thanks. :hug:

[Taverner]

34. I dunno - but you got nice blogs :)

[From The Ashes]

37. You've been there?

I hope you left a comment or sumthin...

[Taverner]

41. I did - I like your tribute to KO

Sadly, I haven't posted a comment.

[ThomCat]

38. Not from anything I've ever seen you write.

You strike me as a very un-selfish person.

Please don't confuse taking care of yourself with being selfish.

[From The Ashes]

42. Thanks ThomCat...

:hug:

[Connonym]

39. Hell no!

You sons are grown. You needed to make a fresh start and you did a very brave thing in how you did it. Seriously, I'm envious of your courage. You're just having doubts now because it's scary and new and you haven't gotten used to it. You did what you NEEDED to do for you and that makes you a person who takes care of herself and not a selfish person. Ultimately, taking care of yourself is taking care of your sons.

[From The Ashes]

43. You think I'm courageous?

:wow: I never looked at it that way....

[Connonym]

45. Oh god yes

I think you're incredibly courageous. My entire adult life I've wanted to move the hell out of Wisconsin and I've even gone so far as to drive to Albuquerque to scope it out but I was too chicken to follow through. I WISH I had half the guts you do. You did a big brave thing. You didn't just let life happen, you made it happen. I have a lot of respect for you for that.

[Guava Jelly]

40. no

:)

[From The Ashes]

44. Thanks homey..

:hug::loveya:

[Generic Brad]

47. You know what you get when you have the "gimmes"?

[JVS]

49. Grade-A nightmare fodder!

[redqueen]

52. How'm I s'posed to know?

:shrug: