I cried alone in the rain last night.....

[Dystopian]

Remember that feeling that ripped at your heart when your child first went off to school? I remember the bittersweet tears...all grown up, big enough to leave mommy and get on a bus all alone...I went through that three times...It was so long ago that I had forgotten what it felt like until last night...

My baby is twenty-five...a man. He's in a band, and I usually go out to see him play. Last night was different. I was staying home. The band was playing a big Halloween show in NH last night, so they chartered a bus and it was parked in the mall when I got there. The friends and fans were all in spectacular costumes mingling and going crazy...I even saw Jesus Christ and Abe Lincoln. I was dropping off my camera for my son....so started snapping random pictures of all the 'kids' in their costumes....What a wild scene in the parking lot! I was having a grand time...

Then I saw Jonas..he was freaking out, making sure all the equipment was loaded, dealing with tickets, people and money...Yes, at that moment, he was stressed out to the max...I asked him, "Will you please wear this tonight?" He asked what it was....I told him "It's Grampy's (deceased) and another special one"....It was a chain with Ava's Peace Takes Courage tag, and my father's dog tag from WWII....I was so overwhelmed, as he took it from me, put it on, smiled and gave me a hug.

A lot of the kids said, "Aren't you coming, Mom?" I couldn't go. I have to let go and stop being the doting band mother...I didn't want to be the 'chaperone' on a bus full of kids drinking beer...I finally decided where to draw the line...I'm not one of them...They need their space, and it was so hard not to simply tag along...

And for me...it's all about the music...Music has sustained me through life...So how would I have known that the baby who "backed into this world" would someday be a musician....the music running through his veins...the screams of his raging guitar always feel like they're coming through my own viens...The feeling is surreal...

This was his first bus trip to a show....The driver was about sixty, and was in good spirits....The door closed as I stood next to the bus.. The windows were shaded, I couldn't see in...
But I stood there...smiling and flashing the peace sign as the bus pulled away...

As the rain fell...the tears came...
Another bus....another memory...
I got into my car and drove home to emptiness...blurred vision.
I just had to share, as yesterday I was planning on a thread I couldn't start...Guess I'll do that later....

Now I'll ponder for the rest of the day wondering why I had the impulse to write this...I'm so very quiet here...as in 'real' life...
I suppose it might be trivial to many....It's just a part of my little world... But thank you for reading this...

Milestones with our children...
Whatever they are...
They never end....

peace~

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

1. My mom told me that those feelings never end ...

and I am sure that your son is lucky to have a wonderful supportive mother like you. Its gonna be alright :hug:

[Dystopian]

6. Thank you for the hug.....

and for taking the time...
The feelings just are....guess they will never end...
Thank you for your kind words regarding my little moment in time...

:hug:

peace~

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

24. I felt that way watching my cousin go to college last year.

I remember when she was born.Now she is a sophomore in college with a 1 year son who is a laughter joy at family gatherings.

[lost-in-nj]

2. ....

:hug:

I know how you feel.....
My kids are 24 & 30.... no matter how old they are those firsts(and there still are some) hurt.....
like we just started planning my daughters wedding.... :(
if this one doesn't kill me I don't know what will.......


lost

[Dystopian]

8. A wedding....

Yes, bittersweet...and beautiful..
I have three children...and wonder if I'll ever live to see a wedding...
They are all partnered...Two are raising children...loving relationships, but never a wedding...
This is going to be one of your biggest moments to treasure and cherish...
I can understand, though....loss of childhood no matter how old...
But grandchildren can be on the horizon:-)
The most wondrous moments of my life...being there when my two grandsons were born...no words.
Good luck with the planning...I know it can be stressful...
You'll do fine...


:hug:

peace~

[Inchworm]

3. oh my

:hug:

[Dystopian]

10. Oh Inchworm~

Thank you for the hug...these hugs are what I need...
And I appreciate the reply ....I was in babble mode...
So sweet...
Sending back that hug:hug:


peace~

[Inchworm]

11. The bees knees

you are!

:hug:

[Dystopian]

20. : )

I haven't heard that expression in years!
That made me smile...grinning from ear to ear...
Right back at you :hug:


peace~

[Inchworm]

21. It may be the early morning beers

But I miss my daughter right now. You brought that back to me with your story.

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

4. Hey Friend

it isn't emptiness, it is just what you said, letting go.

Sorry it is that way, life is full of moments of letting go of this, or that, or someone, or whatever.

Letting go is an art, and I admire your style for the way you did what you did.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

hang in there!

[Dystopian]

13. nice to see you.....my friend

Thank you so very much...
I never thought of letting go as an art...
I've always put a negative connotation to it....it hurts.
You made me rethink...and thank you for saying you admired my style...
I was just 'being'....and the moment was painful....
I'm seeing things in a new light...
and for that...I am grateful...

:hug:

peace~

[VenusRising]

5. That was so beautiful, Dystopian.

Your son is very lucky to have a wonderful mother like you.

:hug:

[Dystopian]

14. You brought tears to my eyes....

just by saying it was beautiful...
Thank you for saying he's lucky that I'm wonderful...
I don't feel too wonderful....just clingy...
Thank you for making my day brighter..
Venus Rising just fits right here...

:hug:


peace~

[BarenakedLady]

7. I feel for you

:hug:

Thanks for sharing.

[Dystopian]

15. Sweet....

I've never really shared anything like that here...
It's nice to be understood...I'm overwhelmed..
Thank you so much....my day is getting better..
Hope yours is nice, also...

:hug:

peace~

[flying rabbit]

9. I have just started reconnecting with my mother.

Don't know what I am trying to say, but thanks for writing that. It gives me a better perspective.

[Dystopian]

17. You're very welcome....

And I think that I know what you're trying to say...
Although I don't know your circumstances, I will share that my daughter and I were estranged for a while...it was a living hell for both of us.
The mother & child bond can withstand anything...times can be good, bad, and ugly...but love prevails....always.

I wish you and your mother a wondrous reconnection...filled with joy and memories to be cherished forever...
She will always be there for you...and you for her...
No matter the strife of life...and all the trivial stuff that goes with it.
It's all about love...hang on to that thought.
LOVE.

:hug:

peace~

[Connonym]

12. Thank you for sharing your experience

I think anyone of us who is a parent can understand and appreciate your feelings. It choked me up a little to read it. You must be proud of the man that he's become but in your heart he will always remain that tiny baby who forever changed your life.

:hugs: what a beautiful and bittersweet moment. Thank you for letting us share it with you.

[Dystopian]

18. I'm so overwhelmed...

Thank you for sharing your feelings with me.....
Yes, I was thinking of him as a tiny baby when I wrote that...hence the 'backing into the world'....
When the nursing staff starting calling in off-duty nurses ...I thought they were short-handed...
Little did I know that they wanted as many as possible to view this unusual breech birth....Jonas did emerge bottom first...He's so anti-establishment that we agree that it was his 'mooning the world' when he arrived:blush:

Thank you for visiting my world....
:hug:

peace~

[Breeze54]

16. You wrote it because you love your kids ...

and you're maybe feeling that "empty nest syndrome"? I'm in the same boat.

"Letting go is very hard to do." :hug:

Last night I did something I swore I wouldn't do anymore. I called my 19 yr.old at his
friends house, and told him to get home because it was 1:30 AM and he had to get up for
work at 8:30 AM. I hesitated before I called because I thought he'd get mad but he didn't.
He did however, stall leaving and got home at 2:30 AM. but he made it to work on time too.
I need to trust in him more too and I'm still learning...it's all new. They're all grown up
and I need to remind myself of that a lot...

My second oldest (now 28) called me last week to announce how much he loves his new job
and he was just so excited and it sounded so good to hear him soooo happy and before I could
reply and say that, he broke back into the conversation breathlessly "Mom, Mom, Listen! That
isn't the only reason I called", and then he said; "I'm getting married in April!!" Wow!!
I stuttered and took a breath and said, "That's great! Are you pregnant?" (lol) He said no and
laughed and that they didn't have an exact date but maybe April 17th, the five year anniversary
of when they met. I have mixed feelings about it his choice but I'm glad he is happy. He hasn't
seemed that way for a long time...

All I could think of after I hung up was the chunky little long haired tow head that used to wrap
his pudgy little arms around me and brush my long hair back to kiss me and tell me he loved me.
But he has grown up to be a fine young man now and I'm proud of him and happy for him!



Now it's his turn... :loveya:

[Dystopian]

19. Beautiful!

Those little boy pictures are priceless...thank you so very much for sharing them...so beautiful...
:loveya:
You're right...the empty nest syndrome is hitting hard, and I think I really didn't realize it...He's my baby, and the last to leave home (although I noted that they did seem to come and go at times...this time it feels like no one will ever come back..when will I get it that that's what's supposed to happen?)
I know it's hard when our children don't pick the 'one' that we'd pick for them...but if they've been together for 5 years, that in itself is awesome...rare these days to be together that long and then decide to get married...And he's not pregnant! lol, great reaction!

Nice. Grown up...and you're proud and happy...
With all that's going on in the world...our own little worlds should be bringing us peace...
You've done a great job!
Thank you again for sharing your feelings and experience...
No matter how old...we just have to hold back at times...
It really is hard....but the rewards are priceless...
Have a wonderful day~
:hug:

peace~

[Breeze54]

22. You've done a great job too!!

:hug:

And they do come back...at least to visit. ;)

[cuke]

23. Don't worry. You''re a good mommy

They'll always be there, whenever you need them

And soon, they'll be there with grandkiddies

[CaliforniaPeggy]

25. My dear Dystopian...

Milestones are our children...
Whatever they are...
They never end....

How true this is...

And how beautiful!

You've done so very well by your children...

I think you're an excellent mom...and I'm sure your kids think so too!

:hug: