Am I too nice? being used? naive? or all of the above?

[DJ MEW]

Hello Lounge

I meet someone amazing that I really like and seems to really like me. He is really attractive, sweet, and has a level of caring for his family that I really admire about him.

We have only been together like a month and his mother just died this weekend from cancer. They are a relatively poor family and haven't really had the money to pay for burial or funeral costs or anything like that, so I have been helping them. I actually have been using some of the excess of my student loan monies to help them pay for it. Then today I found out that my boyfriends dad, who hates gays and hates that his son and I are dating, decided to have the entire funeral moved to Detroit, where their family was originally from and where it is cheaper for some reason which I was told but couldn't explain if I tried.

I have actually loaned them alot of money, more then I am comfortable mentioning here. I have been doing this up to now because I felt really bad for this guy that I really like and really want things to work out with. I have also been told several times that I will get everything that I have loaned them back, although I have this feeling that I am going to wind up losing at least some of it.

I have meet several members of his family over the past few days, and even was driving around the city, Kalamazoo MI, with one of his Aunts today.

As I type this he has my car, since he doesn't have one, and he is using it to help shuttle his family to Detroit for the site of the new funeral. I am supposed to be going with him tomorrow out to Detroit for the funeral which should be on Saturday. He wants us to stay out in Detroit all weekend so that we can actually spend time together.

What does everyone think? Am I just too nice, being used, naive, or all of the above? This so far out of my normal comfort zone it is crazy, but I have been doing it so far because I really like this guy and normally by now I would have created so many mental blocks that I would of destroyed any chance of there being a relationship.

P.S. I have been doing this for him at the same time that I have been letting another one of my friends live with me while he is homeless and trying to find a place to stay. Is this me being compassionate and acting out of solidarity or is this just me going crazy and needing a good slap up the head to wake up and see that I am being used?

[flvegan]

1. Have they given you reason to doubt that you'll be repaid?

I understand that you have "this feeling" that you won't, but the death of the mom can cause all kinds of odd vibes.

I'm in the "wait and see" camp.

[PVnRT]

2. Overly compassionate, I would say

Investing this much money this early on in a relationship never ends up well.

[DJ MEW]

4. So I should freak out and kiss my money goodbye

although they have promised to pay me back. This whole thing is just so crazed to me.

[Fire Walk With Me]

3. Why are you doing things that make you uncomfortable?

[DJ MEW]

6. Because, I have been doing the overly safe, easy, and comfortable thing

for too long, and it has gotten nothing but crappy relationships that in the end wind up costing me a lot more then I what I have paid out so far.

This is also part of my new years Resolution.

[crim son]

5. It sounds like the boyfriend is enduring a very difficult time right now

and it may be true that he is reaching for all the help he can get, any way he can get it. I don't believe this means you're being used although you might want to re-evaluate the situation in six months. I've been in the same position and after consulting other friends, decided that my loan was going to be, to my mind, a gift, so I don't expect repayment but if I get it, that'll be great. My boyfriend is working but couldn't afford rent and is on heating assistance, so I've carried him through one month. I feel good about it and would feel the same way even if he and I were to decide merely to become friends, because I have no expectations of ever seeing the money again.

And no, I couldn't easily afford this but I have the basics and his kids don't.

You sound like a good person and it's wise to question your motives sometimes.

[DJ MEW]

8. Thank You

I just hating seeing people that I care about struggle with life and I really like this guy. It is also nice to hear that there are other people out there are do things similar to this. I just believe that doing this, even if I get screwed, money wise, in the end it at least will help foster a better sense of solidarity among people.

Not to mention I think I start my new job as an Engineering Intern at Kellogg's at the end of January. So once that happens this won't seem like quite so much money.

[crim son]

10. You're right about the sense of solidarity.

And I feel better, too, knowing you are doing the same. :pals: :hug:

[Gormy Cuss]

7. You're not being too nice. There's no such thing.

Are you being used? Hard to tell from here. You need to trust your own instincts on this guy.

[DJ MEW]

9. That is what I have been doing so far

and I think what is really getting to me is that it just seems like once I think the end of the drama is here there is suddenly more of it.

I will know for sure after this weekend though.