Creative things to say to telemarketers:

[Deja Q]

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10 fun comebacks for your telemarketer
Compiled by Amy C. Fleitas • Bankrate.com

(snip)

I'll be watching you
"I can't believe you got this number so quickly. I got out of prison yesterday. You know what I was in for? Selling telemarketers' personal information to people that do bad things to them. Can I get you to stay on the line for just about thirty five more seconds while this thing downloads your cubicle location and headset I.D.?" or "This call will be recorded for quality assurance."

You've reached Santaland
If you have caller ID, when you pick up the phone say, "Hello this is Buddy the elf." Then talk really fast so they can't understand you when you say, "Loser says what?"

Guess where you've called …
If you have caller ID, say, "Trixie's Call Girl Service. Press 'one' for an appointment. Press 'two' if you are seeking employment. Press 'three' if you are a law enforcement officer."

"We were forever getting calls to clad (add siding to) our home. In the end, I was really cheesed off so under duress I made an appointment for a rep to come and give me a quote. When he arrived and found my home was of brick construction he virtually went through the roof, but on settling down he asked why I had accepted the offer of a quote. I said, being sick of calls from his company, I decided to accept their offer. That was the last call we had for aluminum cladding."

"My dad once invited a guy out to the house to give an estimate on waterproofing the basement that my dad couldn't convince him we didn't have. When he asked my dad to show him the stairs to the basement, my dad took him outside to a hole in the backyard leading to the crawlspace and offered him a flashlight. The guy looked at my dad and said, 'But you don't have a basement,' to which my dad replied, 'That's what I've been trying to tell you!'"


Get your hands up
Interrupt them and demand to know how they got this number. Before they can reply, tell them to be quiet and listen. Tell them federal agents are en route to their location, and to follow your instructions to the letter if they want to avoid being shot. Tell them to shut down their computer and all other devices in their office, hang up and unplug the phone, then to kneel down in the middle of the room. They are then to cross their ankles and place their hands on their head and stay that way until the agents arrive. Then hang up.

Glad you called
"That offer sounds great. Is it dischargeable in bankruptcy?" or "Do you accept welfare checks?"

I know you
Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

(snip)

"Because our home is under my partner's name, they almost always call asking for him. When I tell them he's not here, they then ask for 'Mrs.' I finally got brazen enough to reply, 'You're speaking to him. Now what can I do for you?'

"More times than not, they hang up, especially if it's a man calling. I guess the whole 'gay' thing makes some of them uncomfortable. Oh, well!"

You're on the air
"Caller number nine you're on the air. What would you like to hear?"

Poetry
One reader says a sure-fire way to get tele-blacklisted is to recite (bad) poetry.

"I am so glad you called, I just finished some poetry that I wanted to try out. I will be glad to listen to the rest of your call if you'll listen to my poem."

"Sometimes, in life, you find, that if you try, as you will and have before, you may be …" Fill in the rest with rambling nonsense for about a minute; then stop. When the telemarketer starts to talk, cut him off and start rambling again for another few minutes. Continue this as many times as is necessary until he hangs up.
If he is persistent, ask: "Did you like the poem?"
If he says yes, ask which part he liked the best. Demand specifics and comment on the emotional angst and spiritual juxtaposition of the part in question.

(snip)

Remember, the best way to avoid these calls is to get on the Federal Trade Commission's Do Not Call Registry and report the companies that violate the law.

[HEyHEY]

1. I told one I couldn't go to their seminar

Because I was moving to Australia...she then tried to get me to go to one there.

[RoeBear]

2. The Do Not Call Registry is for people without...

...an imagination.

Working with your idea:
"One reader says a sure-fire way to get tele-blacklisted is to recite (bad) poetry."
I bet reading the bible would get a pretty quick hang up too.

One I've used successfully: I tell anyone calling about home improvments that I just rent here, that gets rid of them quickly.

Many years ago my wife after getting tired of the calls she would get after coming home from the hospital with a baby ended up telling a tele-marketer this:(the hospital was obviously selling our names)

tele-marketer: (these calls were always while she was getting a much needed nap) "Hi Mrs RoeBear! I'm with ABC Crap Company and wanted to see how you and your new baby are!"

Mrs RoeBear: "My baby died, quit calling me" (she knew that was extra mean but a woman deprived of sleep and suffering from post-partum depression will do desparate things)

tele-marketer: "spit...sputter...so sorry...goodbye (end of phone calls from that source)

One method I don't approve of is just leading the tele-marketer along, feigning interest and after going through the whold ordeal saying "no thanks". As much as I disapprove of this form of 'home invasion' they do have a job to do and there might actually be someone out there that wants to buy their crap.

[havocmom]

3. Received calls from the republican party for 3 years!

always beginning with "thank you for your past help in campagines..."

You cannot imagine how much fun I had with those! :evilgrin:

[RoeBear]

5. Maybe I'll change my previous caveat...

...Quoting myself:One method I don't approve of is just leading the tele-marketer along, feigning interest and after going through the whold ordeal saying "no thanks". As much as I disapprove of this form of 'home invasion' they do have a job to do and there might actually be someone out there that wants to buy their crap.

If you waste the time of someone trying to collect money for the Repubs they can't be talking to someone else who might actually donate to them.

[havocmom]

8. hey, I was fair

Told 'em up front that I do not support their adgenda and they should stop calling. They kept calling.

Next, I asked if they were poorly organized and did not communicate with each other as to which numbers were pointless to call. They kept calling.

Started asking if they were just slow learners. They kept calling.

Resorted to laughing hysterically at them. They kept calling.

Then I gave up and started enjoying their calls< heh heh baawwwwhaaaawww> Shortly thereafter, they stopped calling.

I sorta miss those guys.

But, the shrub* and Pickles sent us a photo "suitable for framing" just last week and wanted us to "let them know it arrived in good condition", oh, and "you can send a check in the enclosed, postage paid envelope too. Just check the box of the demonination of your contrubution..."

I almost used the postage paid envelope to send the "Somebody else for president" bumper sticker my wayward daughter gave me. Wait... I thing the waste basket in the den hasn't been emptied yet....

double :evilgrin: :evilgrin:

[HawkerHurricane]

4. My favorite...

when my son was 3 years (he's now 5, they grow so fast) he used to love to talk on the phone... Whenever I got a telemarketer, I'd say 'hang on a second' and hand my son the phone and let him talk away.

[CanuckAmok]

6. I typically say:

"Yes, I am interested in hearing about (what they have to offer), and will be glad to listen attentively. Before we begin, I am required by law to inform you that my fee for listening is $2.99 per minute. How would you like to pay for this call; MasterCard, Visa, or American Express?"

That usually gets rid of them.

I also sometimes ask "How much would you give me for a healthy baby?". That works, too.

[davsand]

7. Years ago I lived with a guy with an odd last name.

You always knew is was a telemarketer because they'd mangle his name trying to pronounce it. WITHOUT fail they'd ask if I was Mrs. Mangled-name. I'd always just say, "Oh no. She died." Flustered more than one telemarketer with that one.

Frankly, my favorite tactic is to ask questions of them--just be really brazen and interrupt them. "So, you married?" "How long you been single--how old ARE you?" "Got any kids?" "So, where do you live, exactly?" "What kind of cuisine is your favorite? I'm making Italian for dinner."

They usually leave skid marks getting away from that call, and you never know, they may be bored to death and ready to just sit and talk to someone...

Laura

[RoeBear]

9. I like the Seinfeld episode...

...a tele-marketer calls Jerry at his apartment

Jerry says "I was just leaving, can I have your home number and call you tonight?"

Tele-Marketer "No"

Jerry "why not?

Tele-marketer "I don't want to be bothered at home"

Jerry "Exactly!"