Check in here if you have ever attempted suicide.

[KitchenWitch]

I have.

Once in my teens and once in my early twenties.

I sometimes have sneaking thoughts of it but I fight them back. And yes I am on antidepressants.

[Cabcere]

1. Never actively attempted

but sure as hell seriously considered it, and a pale scar on my left wrist testifies to my former struggles with self-mutilation. I am on anti-depressants now (have been for five years), and although I still have my bad days, overall I am able to live a fairly normal life. :grouphug:

[Duer 157099]

2. I haven't, but have lost two very close friends this way

both of whom were on meds for bipolar.

:cry:

[fed-up]

37. do you want to say what kind-I just started taking mine even though rash/hives from?? aren't gone

yet. The rash on my hand may be from food allergies or stress. Damned if I do and damned if I don't!

I am too close to the edge of the cliff to not take them, but lamictal also has a deadly rash associated with it..and from reading online it suggests waiting til all pre-existing rashes are gone.

I have never attempted suicide, but the thought of falling asleep and not waking up sounds peaceful. Thanks goodness for DU where at least I can divert my attention for brief periods from life's problems. Scrolling past all the bashing threads at least requires some concentration. :)

Both my sisters and a neice have attemped suicide. Brother died last year from drug/alcohol self-medication. Son's father was a successful suicide 5 years ago. Two of my great uncles died by suicide.

Not the genes I wanted to inherit!

I am hanging in there one hour at a time.

[Duer 157099]

52. I'm sorry to hear about your situation

and I completely understand.

As for meds, I really don't know, both of them had to keep switching meds. Things would work for awhile, and then not. So, having a good psychopharmacologist (and health insurance!) is sort of a prerequisite, unfortunately.

Having familial links makes it all the more difficult, you really need to be strong and stay on top on things. I agree that having DU available is a good diversion, and I hope it helps you when you need it.

Suicide is not always done suddenly and dramatically -- as you point out, many opt to do it quietly and slowly by engaging in self-destructive behavior -- and what's the difference really, except that society seems to make the distinction.

I think I have some unorthodox ideas about suicide and death, which is really difficult to deal with since it's verboten to talk about such things without people thinking I'm saying something that I'm not.

:sigh:

[fed-up]

54. I just emailed Jamastiene's post to myself-& the NY Times story on hidden studies of antidepressants

has done little to boost my spirits and hopes that meds will kick start my brain.

Unfortunately with the county version of medi-cal there is really no-one to get talk therapy from, but heck at least I finally got the right diagnosis of bipolar instead of just depression!

[texanwitch]

3. I was thinking about it once when I was sick and out of job.

Those were some dark days.

I really think the reason I didn't try was my cat, I had to take care of her.

[fujiyama]

62. Sometimes it's the simplest things that keep you going

Your cat has a great owner!

[Ellen Forradalom]

4. raises hand

And I lost of one my dearest friends that way too

[RoyGBiv]

5. Hello ...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=7382835&mesg_id=7382936

[Connonym]

6. I spent a great deal of 2007 fighting thoughts of it

I think I've mentioned before that being able to come here, being able to ask for a hug and to get support from all of you, well it made the difference I think.

[Fox Mulder]

7. I have.

And I still have thoughts of it. Every day.

It's been that way for about ten years now. And yes, I'm also on antidepressants.

[LynzM]

76. Hugs to you, Fox

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Parche]

8. my dear kitchenwitch

:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

I feel your pain

:hug: :hug: :hi:

[MonkeyFunk]

9. checking in

thanks for this thread.

[KitchenWitch]

11. Thank you!

I think suicidal ideation is a lot more common that people think.

Heath's death makes me bitterly sad.

[MonkeyFunk]

38. me too

It raises a lot of pain.

Thanks again for this. We need to discuss it.

And if you're a hooligan, go shove it up your backhole.

[Maddy McCall]

10. My brother, who I love more than life itself...

has attempted numerous times.

I won't judge him. Sometimes I feel selfish for fighting this battle for him. I don't want to give him up. I don't mean "give up on him," I mean "give him up."

I can't imagine the pain I would feel AFTER him. I can't imagine living life AFTER him.

I don't live in his skin, in his constant torment--so is it really fair of me to keep fighting to save him?

Don't know if it's right, but I never want to live a day in doubt, wondering if I didn't fight hard enough for him. So I'll keep on fighting.

I love my brother. I am PROUD of my brother. I'll never feel embarrassed of shameful about my brother, whether he decides to live or die.

[KitchenWitch]

13. You are a good sister and a good friend.

:hug:

[Maddy McCall]

14. You are a good friend to me, too.

I love you.

:hug:

[flvegan]

21. Jesus Maddy, I'm sorry to hear that.

I mean that most sincerely. Differences aside, keep fighting.

BTW, that ain't selfish, that's selfless. Big dif.

[Maddy McCall]

23. Thanks, fl.

Always on guard. Always watching. My brother is the most observed brother in the world. I'm going to keep on fighting. :hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

24. ...

:hug::hug::hug:
What a wonderful, compassionate sister you are!

[Maddy McCall]

29. Sometimes I question my motives...

And if it's right to keep someone here when they may really want to go.

I love him. There will be no "life" without him. Just a big hole.

:hug:

[easttexaslefty]

110. My husband and i have had this discussion

I really find alot of the time i am just tired of the fight. If he would just let me go I probably would but he loves me to much and says he has lost enough and he's right. He has. I try to think about my surviving son. he has already told me he would not forgive me. So for now I supose i will live a live odf quiet deperation. Don't get me wrong I do all the things everyone tells me to : therapy, meds, exercise, reading diet, yada yada yada. still tired of this, still ready to go Selfish,yes

[SeattleGirl]

26. You are doing the right thing for someone you love, Maddy.

:hug:

[Maddy McCall]

31. I hope so.

Read your other post.

Can't imagine DU without you.

Will never forget your very real generosity to a child who needed someone to show her that they care.

:hug: :loveya:

[SeattleGirl]

48. .......

:hug: :loveya:

[merh]

32. (((hugs)))

:hug:

[Maddy McCall]

35. Thank you.

((((merh))))

:hug: :loveya:

We were in court all day today. He had a wreck in October. He was found guilty today...we're appealing. I see him give up a little more each day. Mom and Dad are being the vigilant ones tonight. Tomorrow, I'm taking him fishing.

[merh]

41. Fishing is great therapy, for the both of you.

You know that you and yours remain in my prayers. :hug: :loveya:

[Maddy McCall]

45. As do you.

One day, I'm coming to the coast. I want to go crabbing. So does my bro. He's been nagging me for a year to go crabbing.

I hope all is well with you. I would call you right now if I weren't thoroughly mentally exhausted. I'll call you tomorrow evening. I want to hear an update on you.

Love you.

:hug:

[merh]

51. Just call when you can

I understand the mental exhaustion, just get some rest and remember to breath, just breath.

It's too damn cold to crab right now - the spring is coming and I bought a kayak, warmer waters and that bay will be mine ;)

love you too :hug:

[Maddy McCall]

53. A kayak??

Really? I love to canoe. But I'm too chicken to try kayaking, though. :scared:

Let me know when it's a good time to crab, and we'll make arrangements to come. We'll catch some blue crabs, and then have the concierge tend to them for us while we eat Dungeness crabs at the IP. :9 :D

[merh]

55. The kayak is much more stable than the canoe

And I'll check with folks around here to find when the best time for y'all to come crabbing and let ya know.

[Redstone]

57. Fishing as therapy? Oh, yes, you GET it, don't you?

My estimation of you has gone up yet another notch.

Redstone

[MonkeyFunk]

71. Keep fighting to save him

no matter what.

[Midlodemocrat]

74. He's lucky to have you. And, I'm so sorry about this.

:hug:

[Richard Steele]

12. After my own fashion, yes. Yes I have. Every day for YEARS. nm

[Capn Sunshine]

46. right there with ya, pard

Lacking the ability to address the issue, I pursued self destructive high risk activities likely to result in my death for several years. I mean stuff with guns and bullets and grenades and RPGs and stuff. Needless to say, my government loved me, and tried as hard as they could to accomodate my deathwish whenever possible.

One day, it became clear to me that I could never bring my best friend back, have his sister, my love, forgive me for surviving, or change back what we did to those poor sonsabitches in Nicaragua in the governments name. I think removing the conflict of whether we were the white hats or the black hats was part of the key. Either way, a lot of hats ended up on the ground, and you can't unring a bell.

[LynzM]

77. Hugs for you, Capn

I don't know you or your story, really, but there is a lot that comes through from this one post. Many hugs for the pain you have been through... I'm glad you've found a new way to see things, and your own history. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Jamastiene]

15. I tried once in my teens and

I almost did another time in my 20s, but believe it or not, something one of my favorite musicians said made me decide to never try again no matter how hard it gets. I haven't either. I won't say which musician specifically. I will say that person said this: "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." And that is true in a lot of cases.

Your brain just works against you during that critical time. It's not your fault and it's not something that you can help feeling when it does start weighing heavy on your mind. There should be no shame in admitting it, but our society makes horrible comments to people in emotional and sometimes physical pain from depression. That needs to stop.

It is so worth it to get help and do anything you can to avoid ever trying it if you never have or trying it again if you have tried before.

If you do "succeed," you have only hurt those you love and no one knows for certain if there is an afterlife or freedom from pain in death. If you do not "succeed," you may not be lucky enough to walk away unscathed physically or mentally from it.

It takes a lot out of you in a way that leaves you never feeling the same again. It's not worth even thinking about it. Just remember, that with depression, the bottom will come and when it does, there is only one way to go: up.

And if you do find that you need antidepressants, so what? You are not alone. I take Zoloft and have for about 3 years now. It made me gain a little weight, about 15 pounds over my normal weight, but it also makes me not really care about that so much, because life is out there and I can live it, which to me is like breaking even.

That's fair enough. Anything to make that heavy physical feeling I used to have in my heart/chest go the fuck away. That physically hurt when it was there. Depression does physically hurt when you have dealt with it long enough and it has gotten very bad and left untreated for years. After 15 years of trying and running from mental health nightmare horror stories, I finally found one antidepressant that works for me and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

It has a very short half life in my system though. I ran out a few months ago and some people here, who know me, can tell you how it affected me in 2 days time without it. I was right back to having that horrible sinking feeling, heavy chest feeling and in a super depressed state FAST. It was bad. I haven't let myself run out again and haven't felt that way since. I am now making damn sure I don't run out again.

One place online that I would like to suggest to anyone who is suicidal is: http://www.samaritans.org

They are a nonreligious (they are very compassionate and won't preach at you, in case you've experienced that before or are worried about that) organization I have personally talked to. They are all named Jo on purpose. They are very compassionate and caring and will listen to you no matter what other people may have told you about any problem you have that is really bothering you. They will listen and at least keep you busy while your brain recovers from from the worst part (the suicidal thinking part) of the depression. They are no replacement for trying to go ahead and find a good antidepressant or a good therapist you can trust or both, but they can keep you from hurting yourself until they convince you to try again, even if you have tried and tried and tried before and don't feel like trying again, like my case.

Sorry this is so long, but it's a deeply personal hell to feel like the world would be better off without you and it puts your family through hell if you try suicide or "succeed" at suicide. It is not worth hurting the ones you love or yourself. It really isn't. Those of us who have been there want to be able to talk about this. We want to heal and help others heal too. It hurts too damn bad to talk about it most of the time without someone who has been there or lost someone. You want to let them know that it's the depression that made them lose their loved ones, nothing they did or could have done. Survivor's guilt is horrible on our loved ones. It's just too hard while IN that state of mind to express how we are feeling when the suicidal thoughts won't quit nagging us. I really hate to see people go through having the suicidal feelings, and I really hate to see people go through the feelings when someone has died by their own hand. Both hurt like hell. It's just so hard to talk about it.

[BlueIris]

16. Attempted, no. Crept up to the edge of the "making a plan" stage of it, yeah.

And yes, I was inspired to pursue mental health treatment and medication shortly thereafter.

[easttexaslefty]

17. I have

Since my son suiciced 4 months ago that option sometimes very seductive

[KitchenWitch]

18. It is seductive.

:hug:

Stay safe.

:hug:

[Maddy McCall]

19. Oh god.

My heart aches for you.

:hug:

[fujiyama]

63. Losing a loved one in general

is incredibly difficult.

Losing a child - especially suddenly or in an unexplained manner - is the sort of pain no parent should ever have to bear.

I am sorry for your loss. I hope you find the strength to survive.

[Kucinich4America]

20. I was in the "planning stages" for months.

Couldn't see any other end to the pain I was in. So I was plotting out ways to end it. Never went through with it on acting any of them out, but one night in the middle of all this, I drank so much vodka, and spent so much time puking afterwards that I thought I was finally done (even though that wasn't one of my planned options). Ended up with a 72 hour hangover from that, but I survived.

Worst part of it at the time was trying to communicate with family members who expected me just to "snap out of it" and didn't comprehend the reality of what I was dealing with.

After that, I just kinda went numb and didn't feel much of anything anymore. It's a hell of a lot easier that way.

[LynzM]

78. Oh dude....

:hug: :hug: :hug: I'm sorry your family is so unsupportive. I hope you find someone who can be the support you need. :hug:

[crim son]

89. That's what is so hard, that nobody else understands what you're feeling.

They tend to trivialize it without recognizing that in the process, they are trivializing your very existence. And of course while you're in the throes of deep depression, you don't have the mental fortitude to forgive them for their lack of true compassion - the sense of abandonment makes everything worse.

[Whisp]

118. ain't that the truth...

seems sometimes when you need help and support the most, the people you rely on for a recharge seem to scatter.
I think they are just afraid of the big dark sucking them in or something.

that 'snap out of it' 'don't feel like that' careless responses mentioned here just makes you feel lower and more insignificant and invisible. One thing that teaches me tho is that I will not be saying that to anyone asking for a bit of compassion and understanding. I will listen in ernest. In the long past I may have been just as careless, but not now or ever again.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

22. I haven't, my dear KitchenWitch...

But my brother-in-law did commit suicide...

And a very dear friend thought seriously about it....

But decided against it until he'd left a larger mark on the world...

Thank god...

I am so glad you're on antidepressants, sweetie...

I would never have know how sweet a thing it is to be your friend...

You wouldn't have had your daughter, or your husband either...

I love you...

:hug:

[KitchenWitch]

27. We all have our "demons"

:hug:

[quip]

25. With tears welling in my eyes I wish I could be the catcher in the rye, protecting you all

from harm, and giving you all hope.

Boiled down to its essence, this is what my religion has given me. Bless you all! :grouphug: :loveya:

[KitchenWitch]

28. You already do that for me.

:hug:

You always have a kind word and and a friendly smile for me.

[Redstone]

30. No. I have a family.

Redstone

[LynzM]

79. Redstone, you inspire me

That you choose to keep living, each and every day. My respect to you, man. :hug: :loveya:

[merh]

33. after the storm

there just didn't seem to be a way to keep going

never any real steps, just total despair and heartbreak.

So glad you are here to chat with, so glad you care to post as you have. :hug:

love ya :loveya:

[KitchenWitch]

34. merh, I am so glad you made it through.

:hug:

I love you big a lot!

:loveya:

[merh]

36. You know she just smiled big

when you posted that. Love you big a lot too, cher :hug:

[KitchenWitch]

40. I know.

I miss her so much.

[merh]

43. I do too

I go back over there, but it's not the same. I lurk and then end up reading her old threads. They upgraded and I lost all of the sweet messages she sent me, to let me know I wasn't forgotten, the little presents. That helped me out more than she knew. *sigh*

[Maddy McCall]

39. You are one of the bravest people I know.

Can't imagine the loss you've suffered. In so many ways.

:hug: :loveya:

[merh]

49. We are all brave

So many threads tonite prove that I am as brave as so many here. One day at a time, baby steps and sometime crawling, we just keep going cause we do.

thanks for understanding the things I don't talk about. :hug: :loveya:

[MagsDem]

42. Yes, but not very good at it

And yes I am on antidepressants as well.

[ashling]

44. I just posted in the other thread

and then saw this one here. Been there - never going back again.

[SeattleGirl]

47. I did, once.

Going through a divorce, life a mess, things like that.

I ended up moving back to Washington shortly after that, which I think was the best thing for me. Thankfully, I've never had that feeling again.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

50. That's why I refuse to set foot in a Christian church for a sermon.

Because you never know when they'll tell you how worthless and sinful you are.

Gotta watch it.

I don't take those people seriously anymore. Never should have taken them seriously.
I just shake my head at their emotional problems.

[uppityperson]

56. I considered it as a teen. Gradually got rid of my friends so no one else would be hurt.

I think considering it is more common than many think because we just don't talk about it.

[QMPMom]

58. Yes, in 1976, when I was 19.

Took 17 of my mother's sleeping pills and then called my dad at his office and told him what I had done. He came and got me and took me to the hospital. I've been on one anti-depressant or another since I was 14. The anti-drepressant of the day now is Effexor.

[billyskank]

59. Thought about it

but no, never tried it. I'm basically afraid of dying. If it were possible simply to stop existing without having to kill yourself, I might have chosen that, but otherwise I'm going to be here until my time comes.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

60. Many times ...

I am still going through it .

[fujiyama]

61. Never attempted

but the thoughts are persistent. I have had drunken rages, where (if I had a weapon at the time) and without the help of friends I may have been dead.

But since a month ago or so, I have decided that in spite of the loneliness I may feel, I must remember the friends and family I have and that have been there for me.

[jeff30997]

65. "friends and family "

They are the only reason why I'm still alive.Peace.:thumbsup:

[cutlassmama]

64. 4 times already.

[LynzM]

80. Oh man.....

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[fudge stripe cookays]

66. Yep, when I was 20.

November 16, 1986. I still remember the day.

Had a very bad breakup with my boyfriend. I had dreams that I would finally be able to get away from my fucked up mother and have a normal life, and then everything imploded, and I ended up spending another 6 years trying to escape from her.

The first comforting thought I had after my final fight with Mike was "I'll just go be with my dad." I'd bought some Sominex to help me sleep the previous week, so that's what I did. They told me that if they had been prescription pills I'd be dead. But because they were OTC I was just going to sleep for quite awhile.

They gave me ipecac, let me barf for awhile, and sent me back to the dorm. And of course, there was my mom, AND the fucker she was "dating" who were the source of half my problems. I didn't finally get free of her until 1992.

[SPKrazy]

67. Haven't attempted it

did go as far as writing a note once
fashioning a noose

then broke down and cried like a baby

thought about my son, my sister, my dad

tore up the note and got rid of the noose

scared me in retrospect to realize how calmly I'd felt doing all of that.

yes I am in treatment (meds and therapy) for depression/anxiety

no I'm not at that kind of thinking today

Yes I empathize with those that are

the only guarantee in life seems to be that things change.

a permanent solution to a temporary problem is usually what suicide is.

[easttexaslefty]

112. "a permanent solution to a temporary problem"

I only wish that was the case for me. There is nothing temporary about this unfortunately. Believe or not before all this I was pretty blissful. I/m a walking example of what a suicide can do to the survivors

[terrya]

68. I've had suicidal thoughts in the past.

To the point where I've looked into the best, most efficient way of killing myself.

I'm in counselling and I've talked to my therapist about these thoughts. It's helped.

[BarenakedLady]

69. I scared myself

In the pit of depression a year or so ago, I remember sitting in the bath drunk staring at a razor blade. It seemed like it would be so easy to just end it all. But in the end, through the fog in my brain I thought of my children and I knew I couldn't do that to them. It would have fucked them up for life. Thank goodness it scared me enough to get help after that. I've had suicidal thoughts in the past, but never before had it come that close.

:hug:

[Inchworm]

97. I'm glad that day passed

And you are still here.

:hug::loveya::hug:

[BarenakedLady]

99. Thank you

Me too. :D

:hug:

I'm glad things are better for you as well. Your posts always make me smile.

:loveya:

[DarkTirade]

70. The thought occurred to me a few times when I was a teenager

but eventually I just realized that if I could survive the crap I was wading through, then I was strong enough to continue surviving it. And if I kicked the bucket then, I'd never have a chance to experience anything better.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still a cynic. I don't expect things to get much better. :) But there are moments worth sticking around for. Besides, I ain't gonna leave this world without leaving some claw marks of mine behind.

[laylah]

72. Came close about

2 years ago. Had the pills out, didn't give a damn about life anymore as I believed mine was in shambles. Only thoughts of my children and how devastated they would have been (not to mention totally pissed!) kept me from following through. I still have occassional fleeting thoughts but they are more rare than in the past.

[Inchworm]

73. I've given up and seemed to be just waiting to die

I did this for years actually. I just lost hope. I failed to see the good in people, including myself.

If there is such a thing as passive suicide I was doing that.

Homicide, on the other hand, was a problem I was more worried about. I flipped out once in the late 90s and "Baker Acted" myself because I was afraid I'd get drunk and kill someone. So, basically I was locked in a ward for 72 hours. I started getting better that day.

I fell deep and dark again a few years later, but have since pulled out of that too.

Life is good. I'm in love. I'm glad to be here and want to live forever.

:hug:

[bigwillq]

75. I haven't but

I had a friend and a friend's father who have. It's just terrible when it happens. :cry: All they needed was a little help and didn't know how to ask for it. :cry:

Thanks for sharing your experience, KW. :hug:

[Phillycat]

81. Yes.

[LynzM]

82. Not attempted

For me, there would be no attempting. I'm diabetic, so the means are readily at hand. A little too much insulin, nobody would need to know that it was not an accident. I've faced up to that as a possibility since I was, I dunno, 13 or 14? Have sat there with the insulin in my hand, thinking about it. Been a long time since I've done that, though. Still, to know that it is as easy as making the choice... no pain, no fear of failure. It's something I learned to deal with and set aside, in my own way.

My heart goes out to everyone else who is hurting so much... :hug: and :loveya: to you all.

[Mad_Dem_X]

83. Came close once.

I didn't actually attempt it, but at my lowest point I stood in the kitchen with a knife to my wrist and thought about it.

[movie_girl99]

84. a couple of times during my divorce

but i kept thinking about how it would mess my kids up for life and I love them too much to saddle them with that burden. I got through the divorce and have a phenomenal relationship with my kids.

[qb]

85. I O.D.'d on diuretics and sleeping pills when I was 16.

Fortunately I threw most of them up and got the rest pumped out in the E.R.

[ceile]

86. twice n/t

[MonkeyFunk]

103. Please don't go for 3

I mean it!

[GenDem]

87. I've thought about it quite seriously a couple of times years ago.

I had a period after the birth of my youngest child where depression and obsessive compulsive thoughts had a strangle hold on my life. A few times I actually thought that it would be easier to check out. I'm glad it was only fleeting thoughts and that I didn't follow through. I'm very grateful to have had a wonderful therapist that helped me come out of it. Therapy, antidepressants and anti anxiety drugs saved me.

[crim son]

88. Twice, half-heartedly and once, about eighteen months ago,

with very serious intent. I've been on antidepressants for years and years and years but every now and then I wean myself off of them. That's a mistake I won't make again.

[NewJeffCT]

90. Never tried it, but contemplated it when I was younger

I would even write out my suicide notes when I was in high school, but never went farther than that.

I was very shy & introverted as a teenager and even into my early to mid 20s and was constantly depressed.

[Lilith Velkor]

91. I was suicidal, and got sent to AA. They told me I deserve to die

for not believing in their Higher Power concept. They were successful in convincing two other women I knew of.

This made me angry, so I gathered some more survivors, and we went to the press after the cops and county health personnel refused to do anything. The local churches all kicked those bastards out, and I feel better now.

[qb]

100. Good for you. What they said to you is atrocious.

For what it's worth, here's a link to some secular alternatives to AA
http://www.addictionrecoveryguide.org/treatment/recovery/rational_secular.html

[Lilith Velkor]

105. I appreciate the thought

but my problem was not addiction, it was depression + PTSD from being detained and technically-not-tortured by the cops.

I couldn't tell that to the dumbass counselor, though, because at the local free clinic they ask you during your first session if you have ever gotten drunk in your life (not hyperbole - they really do this), and if you say yes you get packed off to rehab, and are only allowed to talk about drinking, drugs and religion. If you mention your actual problems, they literally scream at you until you shut up.

One of these days, they're gonna do that to a Seung Cho -- or a Timmy McVeigh. :nuke:

[Phillycat]

104. No one in AA ever said that.

I know that you are not telling the truth.

[Lilith Velkor]

107. Yeah, because you were there.

:eyes:

[Critters2]

109. I'm skeptical.

A Higher Power can be anything or anyone--including good friends, your community, nature, the universe. If you get to name your own Higher Power, what was the problem? I know several 12-steppers who are atheist or agnostic. They have a different Higher Power than me, and that's cool with everyone in our meeting.

The other option, for those who are required to go to AA but don't want to, is to sit quietly, participate as little as possible, and be respectful of those who are there because it works for them.

Or you can make a big stink, get a group kicked out of a church, and feel smugly superior.

Did that help your recovery?

[Lilith Velkor]

115. It helped my recovery from depression immensely.

Denying evil individuals the opportunity to prey on vulnerable human beings gives me a good feeling.

By the way, those 12 steppers you know are either not really atheists or they are just humoring you.

[Critters2]

116. So now you get to decide who is and who is not a REAL atheist.

I didn't know atheists had a Pope.

[Lilith Velkor]

123. Yup, that's me.

A dictionary is also helpful.

[Critters2]

117. There are those who disagree with you, if that's allowed.

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/en_is_aa_for_you.cfm?PageID=16&SubPage=86

[Lilith Velkor]

122. Sure.

As long as they stay away from my government, it's all good.

[Name removed]

121. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Lilith Velkor]

124. Then why are you so worried?

[Phillycat]

125. I'm not, dear.

I'll save a seat for ya. :hi:

[Taverner]

92. Strange as it may seem, no and I never considered it either

Beyond stupid teenage musings.

Death Is The Enemy

[unpossibles]

93. never got all the way to "attempt" although that's a fine line sometimes

I blamed myself for my mom's death for over a decade, and in addition to a few almost-attempts and thinking about it more than is healthy, I also lead an incredibly self-destructive and irresponsible life. Honestly, I am lucky I was not "successful" and now have a much healthier attitude about it all.

It's not something I would do now, as I recognize how selfish and terrible it is, honestly. I would not ever want to do that to the people I in my life.

:grouphug:

[bullwinkle428]

94. I did give it some serious consideration at a couple

of points in my life...never went through with actual attempts, thankfully. Still learning to be more expressive about what's going on inside of me - I'm better than I used to be, but still not where I'd like to be.

[driver8]

95. I have never attempted it, but thought about it plenty of times.

Thank God for my children...they keep me going.

I am on anti-depressants and have been for years. I can't imagine trying to live my life without them.

[Qanisqineq]

96. yes

18th birthday and early 20's.

[SacredCow]

98. I actively planned an escape, if you will....

I mean down to the last minute detail (I'm obsessive about planning, so it was my nature to do so). Actually, that may have been what prompted me to seek help- a moment of clarity where I realized the magnitude of what I was planning to do, and how creepy it was to be so obsessive about it.

So off to counseling I went to address the reasons for my depression...

[Lyric]

101. I did everything but.

My Dad was murdered brutally by a couple of random intoxicated redneck sadists when I was almost 16 years old--beaten to death with a jack handle. I blamed myself, because when my parents had split up (about 6 months prior to his death) I chose to live with Mom instead of Dad. When he was murdered I was mutilated inside with guilt, thinking that if I had only chosen to live with *him* instead of Mom, he wouldn't have gone anywhere that night, because he would have been at home taking care of *me*. Dad died in June. By September I was cutting myself. In my mind, it was "practice"--every cut on my forearms got a little bigger, a little deeper, until I finally got brave enough to really do it.

I started skipping school because I didn't have the energy to get out of bed in the mornings. I ate if my Mom made me a plate and brought it to me in my room--otherwise, I didn't bother to eat at all. I was sinking pretty fast, and Mom was practically no help because she was still too wrapped up in her own emotional agony and the grief that my brother and sister were going through to notice what was going on with me.

In March, my Honors English teacher saw all of the cuts on the inside of my forearms when I was taking my coat off in class and my sleeves got pulled up a little. She took me to the Principal's office, who called Mom and an ambulance at the same time. I spent a month in the psychiatric ward of the hospital going through intense therapy, and being constantly watched until the anti-depressant medications had started to take effect. The hospital was a degrading and humiliating experience for me, and one I will NEVER consent to repeating. Being an adult in a psych hospital is bad enough. Being a teenager (with absolutely NO legal right to have a say in my own treatment) was pure fucking hell.

Life is still depressing for me, and I suffer from a lot of physical pain, but I try to stay focused on my son and my partner, and how much they would suffer without me.

[LaurenG]

102. I have, in the late 80's

I had it well planned.

The kids were at school, my husband at work and I took the day off. I got the 22 and the bullets and drove into the desert.

I pulled the car over and started to load the gun. The bullets didn't fit, I needed 22 shorts and I had grabbed the box of 22 longs. All alone in the middle of the desert I just started laughing, I couldn't even kill myself right.

I decided then that I would work really hard to manage my life differently. I made huge changes over the next years. I don't think of it now and I never tried it again.

[Hatchling]

106. I've attempted it four times.

The last time in 1993. Since then I have had a good support system and know the warning signs in myself.

But I always held suicide as a option for myself until about six years ago when my best friend announced she was going to do it. We loved her, we rationalized with her, we argued with her and we even called the cops on her, and yet she made the attempt and (thankfully!) failed.

I felt from this side of it what pain I could cause if I killed myself. Nobody would just be sorry for me or glad I was gone, they would be puzzled and angry and hurt and in despair over what I did.

No matter how deep my despair becomes, suicide is no longer an option for me.

[easttexaslefty]

108. Oh yes

Since my son suicided 9/11/07 I have tried. I actually tied a rope around my neck. then I backed out. It sounds so selfish doesn't it? I mean I know the misery that it causes..I'm living the misery. But when your pain is so great that you can't see your way out...
all any of us can do is try to climb out of that hole...
Danny' mom,

[Shine]

111. I personally haven't but both my mom and sister have attempted many times

chronic depression runs in my family and they've both been on meds to manage it. :(

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself, KW. :hug: :loveya:


on edit: spelling

[KitchenWitch]

113. Well, in my life today, there is far more to live for than to die for.

:hug:

:loveya:

[GreenPartyVoter]

114. I came close but never carried it out. I can't now. I can't do that to my kids.

[TrogL]

119. Yes. Don't want to talk about it

[bookworm65t]

120. yes, at sixteen

I took a bottle of my mother's pills, but it only made me sick. When she found out later, she gave me shit for using up her pills. I have been close to it many times, but I haven't attempted it again.

[EstimatedProphet]

126. I did, when I was 11

I had a difficult childhood, compounded with an abusive father.

[no name no slogan]

127. A couple unsuccessful attempts. Lots of ideation as well

but that's part of the deal with having bipolar disorder.

Thankfully, I'm able to recognize it as the disease talking, and not the part of me that really matters. When that happens, I'm off to the doc, and maybe the hospital, to be safe.

[sagetea]

128. mmmm...

unitentionally...
I was a "cutter" one of my cuts went a little too far.....
Woke up in a mental hospital. I was 15, That was the Best/Worst day of my life. Worst day I was finally found out, Best Day, I was finally found out.
On an afterthought, I never wanted to die, I just wanted to "See" the pain I was in, physically. I was brutally raped by 2 of my fathers acquaintances.