How do you get over being angry?

[XemaSab]

A few years ago a group of people who I thought were my closest friends totally fucked me over.

I'll admit, I did and said some things that weren't cool, but 90% of the bullshit came from them.

This fuckery precipitated a major, major depression that I'm still trying to climb out of. But even after 5 years I still just feel literally SICK over it. SICK over the fact that I thought they were such good friends, and I was wrong.

How do you deal with this? :shrug:

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

1. Forgive yourself. Forgive them. Look ahead and forget behind.

You have too much living left to do to hang on to old sins.

Let it go.

[Donk Yore]

2. i've learned to move along

Think about when you were 8 years old and someone pissed you off.

Now. You have learned to deal with it better, right?

Move along. Life is too short to be pissed at anything or anyone for longer than a few minutes.

[Lethe]

3. murder

and grave robbing.

[XemaSab]

5. The murder part I can get behind

but why not just rob their corpses? Why wait until they are buried? :shrug:

(:P)

[Lethe]

11. well you could do that too

but it would be more dramatic if grave robbing would be involved....

[XemaSab]

13. Not if there's nothing left to bury

:P

[Rising Phoenix]

4. sometimes the anger just subsides on its own

thats what happened to me

[XemaSab]

7. Some of the anger towards some of the people has subsided

but some of it hasn't. :shrug:

[Shakespeare]

6. Realize that the anger is robbing you of power.

You have to choose to let go of the anger; in its place, you get a lotta, lotta power. And it's a great feeling. :hi:

[liberaltrucker]

8. I generally just cuss myself for my fuck-ups

And throw rocks at inanimate objects for fuck-ups of others.

Major depression? Maybe ya need further help. See your doc ASAP!

[Deep13]

9. Confront them, in letter form if it is easier.

You are still upset by it because it has not been resolved.

[XemaSab]

10. I don't know what I would say

I sent one of them a nastygram telling him to stay the fuck away from me a few years ago, and he told me to grow up. :shrug:

One of the things that just kills me is the fact that they're the fuckups, but I'm the one who was kicked out of the social circle and basically blackballed. So irritating. :(

[Deep13]

14. Say what you feel.

I don't know the specifics, so I don't have an example. I suggest elaborating on what you said in your post.

I used to believe in the whole forgive-them-because-you-are-only-hurting-yourself thing, but it never worked for me. So I directed my feelings to the cause of the injury. It was very hard and the dust still has not settled. Nevertheless, I feel like I have dropped a big weight.

[Sugar Smack]

12. Here. If it works.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAO1fGzWSAc

[Donk Yore]

15. here is another method

don't answer the phone or door.

ever

[ThomCat]

16. I misjudged a lot of people I thought were my friends.

I tend to overestimate how good, and kind, and friendly people are. :(

The only solution I've ever found is to write them off as unimportant, and then move on.

I'm sorry. :hug:

[zanne]

84. Yes. Assuming things about the people you think you know...

I had alot of anger toward one of my sisters once. I won't get into the reason; let's just say that I felt betrayed and it really hurt. I was seeing a therapist then and told him about it. He said something that made alot of sense and has really stuck with me; sometimes, when we've known somebody for a long time, we have an image of that person in our heads. An idea of that person, based on their best qualities, and when they don't live up to our idea of them, we feel let down. I think I was just holding on to an idea of who she was that wasn't realistic. Once I realized that, I was able to start healing. Of course, it had a downside; I had to get to know the person she really was.

[Danger Mouse]

17. break their kneecaps.

worked for tanya harding!

[Politicub]

18. Thought you wrote - How do you get over being gay?

Read your post too fast and I'm tired. Sorry about that!

My favorite way to deal with stuff like you posted is Effexor XR. mmm mmm

[bluhoodie]

73. And if she HAD asked the gay question?

What would have been your reply?   (LOL)   :P
The same perhaps? ("Effexor XR. mmm mmm")       :applause:

[ceile]

19. going through something similar @ the moment

I asked another friend why did I waste so much time on someone and she gave great advice: "you got what you needed at the time. now, it's time to move on." And more truer words were never spoken. I miss her,she was there for me in trying times, but things change-people change (cheesey, but true). Just look back, try to, w/ no regrets and move on.

[XemaSab]

20. To get even more specific about the cause of the anger

One of them in particular poisoned this guy I liked against me, and one of the others wound up going out with this guy instead and she really fucked him over.

I just can't help thinking that things could have turned out so much better. :(

[ceile]

22. I know it sucks.

I lost an entire group of "friends" as well. But I just have to think that it was time to move on. They were addicts w/ good jobs but no goals. Smart, but going no where. I lost my every night hang out buddies, but it was for the best.
Just don't beat yourself up about this, girl. Things happen for a reason...

[lligrd]

23. Look At It This Way

Better that it happened now, as much as it hurts, than later when you might have been truly invested and it would have been worse.

[Fleshdancer]

21. I was screwed over by my life long friend...

it took 5 years to get past the anger phase but I'm still stuck in the wounded, resentment phase.

We expect some romantic relationships to end badly and give us baggage but friendships can be just as toxic. I think it hurts more because we don't expect it from friends.

The absolute worst though is to be betrayed by family. I don't know if that anger and pain ever goes away.

[CL Avenger]

24. Pray

Please don't cuss. I could not properly answer your prompt. I was dismayed by the foul language you used. There are kids on DU also. Thanks.....

[jgraz]

25. He's right, Xema. You are such a fucking shit-mouthed motherfucker

Jesus H. Ass-fucking Christ. You fucking know God will fuck your shit up when you fucking use that fucked-up language. Personally, I don't give a horse's throbbing cock how anyone talks. But there are motherfucking kids on motherfucking DU who don't need to be motherfucking exposed to that kind of virgin-mary-sodomizing, donkey-raping, baby-jesus skullfucking vocabulary.

So please, let's all try to keep it clean.


And pray. Definitely pray. I know I do.


OH, and one more thing: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK,


Hey, suddenly I don't feel so angry. :toast:

[ceile]

26. brilliant!!

:rofl:

[jgraz]

27. Don't you mean "FUCKING brilliant"?

Just asking... :P

[ceile]

30. sorry.

it's late. forgot my manners!:applause: better?

[XemaSab]

28. Eat my ass.

:eyes:

:P

[jgraz]

29. I love you too, sweetie

I'll save you a seat in H-E-DOUBLE-TOOTHPICKS. :hi:

[CL Avenger]

31. Boys and Girls

Please be nice, and play fair. Kids are on DU and Their parents might write you a not so nice PM. So watch out. I don't want an angry PM from a parent, do you?

[jgraz]

32. Any parent that sends me a nasty PM will be cordially invited to suck my hairy ballsack

After which I will suggest they either keep their kids out of adult sites or invest in some retroactive birth control.

[CL Avenger]

33. Well Golly

What's with the potty mouth? I just don't want to log onto DU and see an angry PM. I have heard those horror stories. Clean your mouth out with soap by the way.

[orleans]

36. PM: angry! angry! angry!

(now that i've done my version of harry potter puppet pals--you ARE joking. right? right?)

[jgraz]

39. Stop it, you're scaring me

:scared: :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared:

[jgraz]

37. Golly? One of the nicest posters on DU confesses that she's in pain and you shit on her

OVER HER LANGUAGE??

You may not realize it, but your response is the most obscene thing on this thread. Since you seem to be such a good christian, ask yourself this: do you think Jesus gave a FUCK what kind of language people used? Was it "blessed are the poor - unless they have a potty mouth"?

You should be ashamed of yourself. Now go find a nice church forum and leave us the hell alone.

[CL Avenger]

40. Please

No foul language. I don't care how "nice" she is. When the parents come, and they will. I will point them in your direction and laugh when they tell you off.....

[jgraz]

43. "So this family walks into a talent agency..."

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=1084257

Hey, kids! Jesus wants you to watch this video!!

[Shakespeare]

49. Ooooh, somebody with 39 posts wants to be the moral arbiter on DU.

Uh, yeah, that's not going to work out too well for you. Get off your high horse and do not DARE condescend to tell people how they should behave.

Seriously, get over yourself.

[jgraz]

50. But, but, but... he's a KRIST-YUN!

And we're a KRIST-YUN nation!!! Aren't you worried about being LEFT BEHIND???

[Midlodemocrat]

51. I'm a parent on DU. And to you I say

Fuck off, you twit.

How'd I do?

:hi:

[Boudica the Lyoness]

71. fuck. I'm a mother and grandparent

There are more motherfucking problems in the world than your so called 'potty mouth' shit!
Wait...I've been here since the beginning and I smell a disrupter.
Ha ha I think this turd is having us on. lol

[XemaSab]

42. I'm one of the nicest?

:shrug:

Can I have some of what you're having? :rofl:

[jgraz]

44. Well, admittedly, it's not a high bar

:P

[XemaSab]

45. As long as it's a bar I can get over drunk in the middle of the night...

Oh, wait... :hide:

[Rabrrrrrr]

55. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck ... that nonsense.


If you need it spelled out mathematically, though I seriously doubt you would, think of it as:

f(x), where f(x) represent how much I care about your attitude, f(x) = (fuck)^infinity + that nonsense. Please note the absence of a variable.

[Skittles]

58. LOL RABRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

:rofl:

[bicentennial_baby]

65. Pssst, it's the snowflake...

In case you didn't recognize him :rofl:

Oh, and FUCK! :hi:

[Rabrrrrrr]

68. Oh, my - so it is! At least judging by the typos in his comment line.

Wants to be a professor of English and writing, and can't even copy a quote correctly.

Christ.

Here it is, exactly as he has it:

There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson oh how to improve your performance the next time." - Malcolm X

No leading quote mark, missing words, typos...

Fuck, you'd think that someone sitting down copying a quote letter by letter would get it correct - and one would especially think that someone who aspires to Ph.D. level academia in English would have a desire to make sure they got it correct.

So, yeah, I bet it's Mr. Snowflake.

[bicentennial_baby]

72. The username is a a dead giveaway...

I'm going to give him a -1 for originality. :rofl:

Oh, and he's praying for me...Apparently I'm a lustful woman :D

[jgraz]

81. I'm pretty sure that was Lee Mercer

He was all in our house with disease.

[Sugar Smack]

74. He's GONE! *poof-poof-a-choo*

:o

[orleans]

35. fuckin' A! n/t

[Skittles]

57. I LOVES ME SOME jgraz

INDEED I F***ING DO!!!!!! :D

[SallyMander]

59. OMG - i am CRYING

I'm laughing so hard!!!!!!

:rofl:


:yourock:


:loveya:

[Sock Puppet]

52. Oh my goodness.

You are fascinating. :hi: Welcome to DU. I hope you stick around. Seriously. Welcome. :)

[sniffa]

66. Welcome back snowflake

:hi:

[jgraz]

83. OK, I'll bite: who's snowflake?

:shrug:

[sniffa]

85. College Liberal

Hence, CL Avenger.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x7423132#7423319

CL Avenger (59 posts)
11. I don't mind

It is a synonym for something that will be revealed in the near future. And I will be avenging that synonym, but he won't be a synonym anymore.


He's not too bright. And he's now banned for at least the 3rd time.

[jgraz]

34. And now a serious answer: FUCK THEM

I'm not just saying this to piss off certain stick-up-the-ass posters. Though that is an added bonus.

The sad fact is that anyone who's relatively gregarious and even minimally trusting is going to get fucked over by someone at some point. I don't want you to think I'm discounting your pain, but I think it helps to know that many people, myself included, have gone through similar experiences at some point in their lives.

Here's the harsh reality: you can never get back what they took and the "sweet revenge" scenario only happens in the movies. But those assholes are going to be assholes for the rest of their lives and you're lucky to be rid of them.

Every time those nasty feelings come up, say (out loud if you have to) FUCK THEM. And then get to work on making your life better than they could ever imagine.

It really does work. :hug:

[Sugar Smack]

62. I LOVE you, jpgray.

:loveya:

[jgraz]

80. Sure, I do all the work and jpgray gets all the credit.

:P

[Quantess]

38. Hi! I don't know you as a person, but I know what you are going through!

It hurts to lose friends, even if they are bad for you. :hugs:

It's so terrible, but I had to move on. I could go back to my old friends, but I would just get insulted and verbally abused as usual. I got a dog, who is now my best friend. I have a boyfriend, who stuck with me through difficult times.

[Adsos Letter]

41. Deep13 and Shakespeare both said important things...

I went through some major depression for years that was fed, in part, by a whole lifetimes worth of anger at certain people.

I finally worked up the nerve to say how I felt about the stuff that had me so pissed, and how I felt about their part in it.

Just don't expect anything from them in return, and this is KEY...the healing begins when you express the feelings (sounds all psycho-babblish, but it's true)...it is a way of expressing the emotions, and that is what is important. If you can do it as calmly as possible, so much the better, and a letter will work (face to face is better, but not always practical) Don't expect it to be comfortable...

The important thing is to express how what happened made you feel...if they don't accept that, tough...you will have said what you needed to say.

And it doesn't mean you won't feel angry about it again down the road...but the intensity of that anger will begin to dissipate in a way it is difficult to have happen now.

Don't let someone else live inside your head...I did for way too long.

Bests, and PM me if you wanna' chat. :)

[RadiationTherapy]

46. After FIVE YEARS!? This no longer exists. Let it go completly.nt

[DarkTirade]

47. I'd say just keep moving forward.

Do your best to leave them in your dust. Odds are good that even 50 years from now if you look back it'll still hurt. But it'll be a lot farther away and hurt a lot less.

And just to fill my swearing quota: Fuck shit goddamn motherfucker ass boogerface.

Okay, I ran out of swear words. :P

[lost-in-nj]

48. hugs to you

:hug:

going through an anger stage myself.....

only been 1 1/2 years so far for me though.....


I hope you can let it go and move on....
and i hope I can to....
But I know thats not so easy......

lost

[bridgit]

53. In groups, pound for pound, and it used to surprise me more often; but people seem able...

to become as cruel as cats on the Serengeti. There's data that suggests the same regarding 'hooded respondents', anonymity and such being more able to dispense cruelties vis-a-vis electrocution, sexism, racism, etc...

Having experienced the un-hooded slights of many throughout my life, I am convinced that I'd rather not have seen their faces. But I did. Some even here at DU.

I've already documented the ways in which I dealt with some of my past angers, hell hath no fury, etc...

But even that didn't change until I met the guy I'm with right now. Shit still pisses me off, but watching him dispense/seeing it work in real-time what he refers to as 'emotional aikido', has been an eye opener.

As simple as it seems; I suppose it's not unlike the Bronx/Queens/Bensonhurst equivalent of, "For get'da bow'dit!"

All the best.

[bluhoodie]

76. Emotional aikido? Can you elaborate?

Sounds interesting. Perhaps it would help some of us to hear about what seems to work well for him.

[Sugar Smack]

82. Well, when I think about it, it's someone wanting & trying

to hurt you. What you do back isn't just a non-response, but the response that throws their behavior back to them threefold. I used that the last time a person got abusive with me. I stayed silent and let the words ring out for them to hear.

I've had it done to me, too. So, I got a little practice in meantime. Bridgit knows what she's talking about! :pals:

[LeftyFingerPop]

54. Sometimes you don't. n/t

[Rabrrrrrr]

56. One makes the decision to stop giving the anger, and those people, so much power over you.

That really is the only way.

Stewing in anger means that they still have control over your life. Way too much control.

The best defense is to let the anger go - to, in a sense, say to them, "You know, you really fucked me over - but the beauty of it is, I don't care. It hurt at first until I realized that what you did said nothing about me, but only about your inability to act like human beings. I'm not hurt at all - in fact, I laugh at you. I pity you, in the most shameful, awful way, and I laugh at you."

Okay, maybe the end was a little over the top - but seriously, the only way out of the anger (that I've found, anyway) is to decide that whatever happened should not have any power over me, and I let it go. Does that mean the hurting person wins? Not at all. The hurting person wins so long as you decide as to let them control your life.

[LostInAnomie]

60. In all honesty, I don't.

Sure, I will eventually get to the point that I am no longer emotionally enraged, and I will give no visual sign of anger, but I will always jump at the opportunity to fuck over the person that pissed me off.

Letting it go has just never seemed to level the cosmic scales enough for my taste.

[SallyMander]

61. Wish i had some good advice for you

I never hold grudges -- my anger evaporates and then i just get really bummed out. Which isn't necessarily better... :shrug:

So in lieu of advice, here are some hugs :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Bucky]

63. Buy about $20 worth of cheap terra cotta pottery, then smash it all with a hammer

Don't forget to wear the goggles, tho. Always plan for a safe cathartic experience.

[TrogL]

64. move on

Some resentments aren't worth holding onto.

Find some new friends.

[TrogL]

70. A good question to ask

"Why are you letting this upset you?" ... from A Rational Guide to Living.

Some of the thinking in the book is summarised here:

http://www.truthtree.com/rat.shtml

[Guava Jelly]

67. Time..

Time helps to dull the pain.
:hug:

[The Animator]

69. Your hate has made you powerful... now release your anger!

Come to the Dark Side, we're having a bake sale. No seriously lightsaber parts are expensive. Gawd these brownies are awesome. Wonder if Palpatine's got any milk.. "Hey Palpy...!"

[CreekDog]

75. I think about what I am going to do about it, respond, react

So, if something is bothering me, it's partly a control issue, that someone didn't act the way I thought they should have and it's endlessly frustrating because there isn't anything I can do about it.

So, then I start thinking, what will I do? This takes the focus off something I can't control (what they do) and puts it on me and the anger subsides because I'm focusing on what I can do to change it or what I'm doing as a response. In other words, my focus shifts to me and I don't feel as victimized.

I've been through this and this solution is the one thing that has consistently helped me.

I am sorry you were treated the way you were, by friends no less. I would also consider some form of counseling if you suffer depression, there are things that can help you get through and out of it.

:hug:

[Ellen Forradalom]

77. 1. Get new friends

2. Get it in writing
3. Um, there is no #3.

[Debi]

78. Take a deep breath...let it out....do it again.....and again.....

let it go. (I know, easy to say hard to do but that's what you need to do)


Oh (and I guess) Fuck, shit, piss, :hug:

[Redstone]

79. Walk.

Redstone

[Fire Walk With Me]

86. Center on the heart, cultivate forgiveness, and search out their reasons to create compassion.

It is of course not as simple as those few words, but it does work.