hypothetically speaking

[Connonym]

Let's say you're involved in a romantic relationship. Words of love have been professed and there has been discussion of living together. In such a relationship is it overly needy ("in need of therapy") to be upset when one partner does not return calls or text messages for an entire week? It's not a case of his working 24/7, it's a case of him stressed about work and shutting me out. I find it hard to believe that there's not even time to send a "hey I'm thinking about you" text message. Am I being unrealistic? Is that truly so neurotic of me that I need therapy because I expect some degree of communication from someone who supposedly cares about me? This relationship is over but for future reference, is it unrealistic to expect someone who says they love you to make an effort to stay in touch?

[PeaceNikki]

1. No, it's not unrealistic nor is it overly needy or neurotic.

:hug:

[hippywife]

2. No, but

if he's stressing that much over things, maybe it's best to step back and give some space and breathing room. Sometimes even well intentioned communications can add to the stress level.

[theredpen]

3. I'd say no... but...

...if he is an introvert (Google MBTI — half of the MBTI personality types are introverts, although not half the population), he may withdraw when he's feeling drained.

INFJ's — who are very rare — can actually love something so much that they have to get away from it to recharge (which is all part of the crazy, wonderful world of the terribly misunderstood but enormously influential INFJ type). If he's an introverted Thinker IxTx (much more likely), he may withdraw without having any idea that you would take it personally. He's would likely see it as just practical prioritizing — the work is now and you'll be there when he's done (right?).

When he "comes back up for air" you might want to try this: give him your blessing to withdraw as necessary, but just ask that he let you know he's planning to come back, and then let him do so. (This advice is actually from the trendy-to-hate "Mars and Venus" book by John Gray, but it's good advice when dealing with strong introverts of either gender.) My wife is an INTP and I try to follow http://www.personalitytype.com/jyt/intp.html">this list of suggestions for making her happy:

* Respect my privacy and independence.

* Appreciate my competencies and wealth of creative ideas.

* Encourage me to spend time alone.

* Don't talk too much or force an emotional conversation before I'm ready.

* Try not to nag me about being messy or meeting deadlines.

* Above all - give me plenty of space to pursue my interests in depth and time to think things through.

I hope this helps. I could tell you a lot more if I knew his (and your) MBTI type.

[qb]

4. Your expectation is reasonable...

but don't expect him to change. I encourage you to express your displeasure at being ignored, but beyond that find a way to enjoy yourself alone or with friends while he's "away".

[DarkTirade]

5. If it was just a day or two, then I'd say yes.

A week, no. Just try not to drive yourself nuts about it if it becomes a habit though. I know a couple who had that problem, the guy just never got around to calling back and she almost always had to initiate the phone calls and whatnot. She let it bug her too much and it ended up driving her completely nuts. Relationship ended horribly. I haven't talked to her in years, and I'm guessing its because she wanted to break off contact with anyone who was still in contact with him because it ended THAT badly.

Which sucks, because even though I knew him first, I think I enjoyed hanging out with her more. :P