Is not volunteering information the same thing as lying?

[AlCzervik]

ok long story short, when i went home last summer to visit my Father asked me to be the executor of his estate, we aren't talking The Getty family here but he wants me to handle it when he dies, he talked it over it with his wife and she had no problem with it so i said ok, signed some papers at his lawyers office and that was it. My father asked me to keep it to myself, why i don't know and i really don't want to know, his money, his business, whatever.

My sister called me tonight and she sounds pissy and finally says "Why didn't you tell me about Dad's will?" "Why did you lie" so i told her i didn't lie and she never, ever discussed his will or his money with me and Dad asked me to keep it to myself so i don't feel like i was lying about anything and for that matter how did i know she didn't know about it? I live 3,000 miles away so i know from shit how many times a week they see each other.

So i told her she needed to call dear old Dad and ask him, "If he wanted me to know he would have told me" and harrumph! she's still pissed and maybe hurt but how the hell did i know, i pretty much forgot about the whole right after we left the office so am i wrong, did i lie? I only have one sibling and i would never do anything to hurt her and now i feel like i've betrayed her.

[GOPisEvil]

1. I am SO glad I am an only child.

But to answer your question, if she never asked you directly, you didn't lie. You were following your father's wishes. If she wants to be angry with someone, she should take it up with him.

[AlCzervik]

3. she never did, sometims i think my Dad ironically named Dick likes to see what

kind of shit he can stir up.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

2. I Can Understand Her Sibling Rivalry Reaction As Well As Hurt; But No, You Didn't Lie.

In fact, you did the right thing. Sometimes the right thing may indirectly hurt other's feelings, but take comfort in the fact you did the right thing anyway.

[AlCzervik]

4. thanks.

:hi:

[Sugar Smack]

5. In some cases, lies of omission are just as duplicitous as any other

kind of lie, but here your judgement is very cool and rational. What it sounds like it meant was protection in one form or another for him. He asked you not to say anything. And from what you said, it's in his court. I think this left you no real choice in the matter. ("And I'm not getting commission for this", I like to say.) :D

[AlCzervik]

7. the 3 of us have kind of a weird relationship, they live there and i live way out

here on the other coast, they're passive aggressive and i'm not, if i'm mad i will tell you, if they're mad they let it build and build and build and then one day out of nowhere they'll say something really nasty for no reason but there is a reason but it goes back like a year so you have no idea what the hell is going on. I'm the square peg and since i live so far away i have the luxury of not dealing with the family drama and i think i look at things about the family pretty objectively, i love them mind you but it's better i'm here and they aren't if you know what i mean.

[Sugar Smack]

9. There's something to be said for the "disengage".

Especially when people are not being immediately forthcoming with their anger/hurt feelings. Nothing good ever came out of being passive-aggressive. WOW.

[AlCzervik]

12. i wish you were down the cape with us this summer, some poking stuff with shapr sticks

it was My sister and her 2 girls, me and my daughter and my step mom and her sister. Step Moms sis cannot stand my Dad and she doen't like my sister which i didn't know until my daughter and i got to the house we rented and i could tell my sister was tense, "Unclinch your ass woman!" and thats pretty much how that 10 day went.

[Sugar Smack]

15. Oh, GAWD, Cabin Fever!

I *almost* had a mother-in-law *and almost another later* who *suddenly* decided they didn't like me, nay, hated me, and either it was unclinch my ass or haul it elsewhere.

Oh, also :yourock:

[Rosemary2205]

6. My first instinct is that she's being unfair.

Perhaps, when she calms down, you can ask her why she is so upset. Is it that she lives close by and thinks of herself as "the favorite" and since Dad chose you for this important task she feels slighted by Dad? Is it that she thinks you'll steal Dad's estate and leave her with nothing? Is there a problem with Dad you don't know about that makes her concerned about his ability to make choices for himself (and therefore might require consultation with her).

The sibling thing can be a big pain in the tookus but she's your only sister. Gotta try to work it out, even if she's in the wrong.

[AlCzervik]

8. rofl, oh Dad has lots of issues but he's in his right mind, he's just been very cranky for

a very long time. My sister was always the favorite and i assume it continues to be that way which is a ok by me. and i told her all i do is what the will instructs me to do, hopefully she'll call him and discuss it because i really don't know his reasons for wanting it to stay confidential and i didn't ask.

[Brigid]

10. I think your sister is being unfair.

Your dad asked you to keep this quiet. As far as I'm concerned, that's the end of the argument. Aren't family quarrels fun? :eyes:

[flvegan]

11. One of the "wishes" of his Estate was for you to not tell anyone.

It's a process that starts in the planning stages. Not telling anyone is the same as a deathbed bequest in this instance.

You weren't lying, you were honoring the request as the executor/trix of his Estate.

[greatauntoftriplets]

13. You did nothing wrong.

Your father asked for your confidentiality, and you complied -- as was correct.

For the sake of peace, though, I would recommend that you involve your sister in the decision making process.

My mother named both my sister and I her executors. But when it came time for the durable power of attorney for healthcare, state law required that only one name be on the form. Because I was my mother's caregiver (I lived with her), that fell to me.

When the time came to put our mother into hospice care, my sister was not happy (though she had been informed of how things were and that state law prevented her from playing a dual role with me), I fully involved her.

It's not easy, is it?

[SeattleGirl]

14. You didn't lie; you followed your dad's wishes.

Maybe he was just concerned that your sister would be hurt that he asked you instead of her, so that's why he asked you to keep it to yourself.

My mom originally had me (her oldest) as her executor, but then she called me to say she was going to change it to one of my sisters (the next oldest). She apologized, and said she didn't want me to feel bad; I told her I didn't. In fact, it made more sense for that sister to be the executor because she lives in the same town mom did, knew where the paperwork was, etc. Mom was afraid I would be hurt at the change, but I wasn't.

So, maybe that's where your dad was coming from.

[AlCzervik]

17. that just may be the case, i think what makes her mad is that she lives 15 minutes away

and i live 3,000 miles away but on the other hand she gets kind of tense and she personalizes things and i don't especially when i comes to my Dad, he is who he is and he's not changing. I almost think he asked me because i'm the furthest removed from them, does that make sense?

[SeattleGirl]

18. Absolutely makes sense to me.

Being executor is not easy when it comes time to actually use those powers; perhaps your dad just thinks that you could deal with it better.

One thing you might want to do is to let your sister know that she would not be excluded from decisions, that you would talk them over with her. That's what my siblings and I are doing. Even though the one sister has the legal power to make decisions about mom's estate, she doesn't do it in a vacuum. I spent the weekend with my siblings when mom died, and for the past 4 days since I've been back in Seattle, I've talked to at least one of them every day. We all know we have equal say in decisions. Your sister might feel better if you talked to her about that.

[AlCzervik]

19. thanks so much, you've ben a big help. I'm going to call her tomorrow after

i talk to my Dad.

[SeattleGirl]

20. I hope it goes well for you.

[AlCzervik]

21. me too, i think she and our Dad have some issues of their own they need to

work out---or not.

[Book Lover]

16. A lie is withholding the truth from someone who has a right to that information

either by saying something untrue or not answering a question. Your sister does not have an automatic right to know the details of your fathers final arrangements until he decides to tell her. I say you're off the hook. She should be mad at Dad if she wants to be mad at anyone.

[DS1]

22. In that case, no.

[emilyg]

23. No it's not the same thing.

[petronius]

24. It can be, but not in the situation you described

If you have a moral or ethical obligation to disclose information, then not doing so is lying. In your case, however, the obligation was to your father, so you did the right thing...