Okay, so this just caps off the suckiest couple of weeks I've had in a while.

[The Animator]

For some reason I've been depressed lately. I'm not usually like that. I'm usually just generally dissatisfied but don't really care enough to give a shit. Ever since Christmas however, I've been in a deep blue funk that I just haven't been able to shake myself out of.
It started on Christmas Eve, when a friend, who had briefly been a lover, came over to visit for a few days. This is a girl that I've been attracted to for years. Unfortunately she has a boyfriend now, and she stubbornly insists on remaining faithful to this one. I thought it would be great to see her, but it just turned out to be awkward and uncomfortable few days for both of us.

She's the second girl to ever break my heart.

I was sick all of last week, from Friday night to this past Sunday, with bronchitis. Had to work through it though, cause I've been late and called in sick to my job too many times already. I do surveys at Downtown Disney, so I spent my first week of February standing in the rain, cold, wet, miserable, and getting ignored by people. For some reason, my mood is not improving.

While I was sick I had a lot of time to think. For some reason I hadn't been able stop thinking about Beth, and a mental parade of just about every other girl I've ever been attracted to. I'm no longer sick, but being a shut in for two weekends has really hammered home that I now live alone. And I still can't stop thinking about all the women I've known and asking myself why, in the name of Zeus's butt hole, have I been alone for so long. I've been single for most of my life, but up until now, I've been comfortable with being single. For some reason, over the past couple weeks I've just been overwhelmed with strong urge to share my life with someone... what the hell has gotten into me... This is completely out of character for me.

Valentine's Day... Jesus. butt fucking. Christ. I get to work, still feeling completely and utterly alone, and Pleasure Island at Downtown Disney has been transformed into Sweetheart Island, in honor of, to quote a friend "the Hallmark, rub-it-in-your-face that you're single Day." So I spend my evening cold, wet, and miserable, being ignored by young couples in love.. someone just fucking shoot me...

So today it was a little brighter, a little warmer, and I wasn't feeling quite so miserable... or at least I was able to passably fake not being miserable. I'm about to leave for the night, wanted to try and get one last survey done, when who the hell should I see...

April. fricki'n. Torres... the FIRST girl ever to break my heart...

[Heidi]

1. Sorry life has been crappy for you.

:hug: :grouphug:

[DarkTirade]

2. I would give the 'other fish in the sea' speech...

except that it would be rather hypocritical of me, since I'm pining away for somebody right now too. :\

[Connonym]

3. sorry you're in a bad place

but that was beautifully written

[SPKrazy]

4. Maybe its the weather

and maybe it is an age related milestone...

I dunno

I'm separated now after 20 year of being with someone who I once must have been in love with but now just seem to have a feeling of friendship for.

I sometimes remember women that broke my heart. I think aloneness may do that especially if we are not distracted by other things or people. Also like I said, an age related milestone maybe? At some ages it is natural to look at your life and think about where you are as opposed to where you thought you would be. There may even be a biological influence here, you know, survival of the fittest evolutionary forces at play. The male version of the biological clock.

I don't know, but Valentines day was a mixture of bitter and sweet. Bitter because I felt alone, but as a friend pointed out that I work with, I wasn't "really" alone because I was with her and other people I work with all day, and my son in the evening, but it was after dropping my son off that the aloneness crept in. Oh and the days before with all the FUCKING RED in the grocery store.

Anyway, my rambling shall cease, but I feel for ya man.