I really need a shoulder to Rant on... and some advice...

[Viva_La_Revolution]

My 21 year-old son has an (almost) 1 year old with a crazy person.
He broke up with her before they even knew she was pregnant. When she found out, she alternately told him it was his, and wasn't his... depending on her mood that day. (test has since shown the baby is his). He paid half of the med. expenses (before he even knew the baby was his), I went shopping with him for car-seat, clothes, bottles etc, helped him baby-proof his place and he's been paying support. Loves the little guy with all his heart.

The problem is the mother. She sets times for visitation, then changes it. Tells him constantly he is a deadbeat and does nothing for the baby. Calls him 10-15 times to SCREAM at him over the phone, easily heard by everyone in the room. She's manic (obviously) and yesterday was crazy. They had taken the baby to the park, and on the way back, while she was driving, she slapped my son, and then tried to reach over and pinch his leg. (apparently this isn't the first time, but he was too embarrassed to tell me.) So he grabbed her hand as she was going for his leg, and pushed it away from him. She threatened to call the cops, so he did first. (smart kid!). Cops showed up, talked to both of them and then left. (no marks, nothing they could do apparently).

So this morning she e-mails him a copy of an e-mail she sent to her lawyer claiming that my son tried to break her hand... has been getting violent with her... blah, blah. I know for a FACT my son is not that type. (I know every mother says that, but it's true. This was the kid who would cry at the thought of a child or animal being hurt, and there has been no physical violence in our family at all).

My son's lawyer is going to get fired, he hasn't been keeping up with the case, not filing papers in time, won't return calls.

This girl has my son constantly upset threatening him with never seeing the baby again, etc, etc. Apparently her parents gave up on her behavior years ago, even though she and the baby live with them.

Our biggest worry is when she will turn this behavior onto the baby. If she screams at, slaps, kicks a grown man she WILL end up treating a child like that. I just can't let that happen.

I'm one really pissed off Grandma right now, and I just don't know what to do. I have no experience dealing with a situation like this.

[LeftyMom]

1. Sounds like he needs a much more aggressive lawyer.

I agree, if her anger issues are what you've described, she has no business parenting.

[Spacemom]

2. I'm sorry you and your son are going through this

I think first off, he needs to document everything she says and does to him. Carry a notebook and jot down when she calls and what's said. Record calls if possible. He needs to have proof that she is the one who's abusive. I second getting a decent lawyer.

Other than that, all I can offer is :hug:

[halobeam]

9. daily note-taking and record conversations.

I did it. It's essential. I had taped a recording device to my body, under my shirt for every face to face meeting and I taped every conversation on the phone too. I wrote a diary for months. Once the court sees that, they know who is taking care of what is right and who isn't.

When he gets the right attorney (an aggressive one), he'll be in a much better position. Calling him that many times a day, it seems he will have no problem of getting her on tape rather quickly. (That kind of person is predictable).

I'm sorry your son is going through so much. I can understand your being so upset. It's frightening to think of a child being with someone so unstable and out of control. My heart goes out to all of you. It will get better, but act now.

[Solon]

3. I would say get a better lawyer, which is pretty obvious, and he should sue for exclusive custody...

the mother sounds too mentally unbalanced, and needs an evaluation by a professional to see what her problem is.

[GreenPartyVoter]

4. Yikes!

She sounds very unstable. He may be able to win custody if he can find a better lawyer. *crossing fingers*

[skater314159]

5. As an ex-cop and a current Chaplain...

... I have to say first and foremost, it sounds like you and your son are doing the right thing - you aren't letting She manipulate you through abuse, fear or anger.

Your son did the right thing by calling the cops first; this shows that She that your son won't be manipulated by her, and it also shows her that he actually knows what his rights are.

Things you need to do RIGHT AWAY:
- Get a cassete phone message machine. Make sure you get one that has the cassette tapes in it so that you can save them and use them if you need to as evidence of abuse. Make sure that the message machine has the ability to be turned on (to record a phone conversation) while the phone is in use... this will allow whoever answers to immediately begin recording the conversation if/when She calls. Keep a log of the date, time, and duration of each time She calls.

- Get a lawyer. The legal system is complex. Get someone who knows it thoroughly - especially the area of family law. It would also help if you could find counsel who has dealt with or understands the mentally ill, since She has obvious mental issues. People hire lawyers to REPRESENT them; if a lawyer is not representing you well, then essentially you are flushing your money down a toilet. This sounds like a case where you need a lawyer whom you can easily communicate with and rely upon... I don't know why, but I feel that a female lawyer might work best in this case. (Just a hunch I am having.)

- Look up resources about domestic abuse on the internet. Domestic abuse is still a taboo subject in this country - and crime by women against men is still hidden deep in our nation's closet. You mentioned that your son was embarassed to tell you that she had abused him; this shame and guilt is used by abusers to keep their victims in silence. The silence also allows the perpetratpr to isolate their victims further; when someone feels most alone, and that "it's just them" they are more likely to endure abuse then leave the situation. Talk with your son about what you have learned, or let him know about the resources, so he can read it for himself. Knowing helps you feel less fear, and you can act from that knowledge.

- I would recommend that your son (and you) visit a support group when he is ready - there are other men (and women) who have been through similar situations - and are going through them right now... having others who understand (rather than just empathising with them) what he is going though will help your son. By talking with others, he can process his own thoughts and experience his emotions. He can also get advise from people who "have been there", which will help him deal with the issues he is facing right now. Both of those are important for him, so that he can find his inner stregnth and make it through this.

- Live one day at a time. By this, I don't mean you shouldn't make plans or think about the future, I mean that your son needs to not dwell on the past (such as asking himself "why didn't I ____?" "how come I ______ed?""What could I have done so that ___?") or be afraid of the future (trying to second guess She, trying to predict what will happen next, etc.) Your son (and you!) need to both just relax, understand that She has no power over either of you, and work towards getting custody of the baby.

- If you need to just talk or rant, I'm here; you can email me anytime!

skater pi

[Viva_La_Revolution]

15. Thank you ...

I've already given him my mini-recorder so he can record conversations, but he hadn't used it. After yesterday, he's totally on board with that. I had him start a log too, I hope he's kept it up.

Thank you so much.. all of you. :)

ps - I just called him, and e-mailed him this thread. much relief in his voice, just having some idea what to do is already helping.

[Lars39]

16. Find out about state law in your state about recording conversations.

Bail's expensive. :)

[Viva_La_Revolution]

18. I know over the phone is fine

http://www.callcorder.com/phone-recording-law-america.htm#Interesting%20Facts%20About%20Recording%20Telephone%20Calls%20In%20Different%20States

and he does not plan to be alone with her again. We'll make sure someone else is always there. She did this in the car with the baby for cryin out loud! agghh! I'm getting all worked up again.

thanks :)

[skater314159]

19. Yes...

I forgot that... make sure that there is AT LEAST ONE, two or three would be better, persons with him during ALL contact with her.

[SPKrazy]

6. crappity crap crap

that is like a nightmare scenario

but, the aggressive lawyer is the way to go here

fire with fire and all

be polite

don't let your anger get the best of you

and be there for your son and grandchild, they need you.

:hug: :hug:

that's all I got

[SKKY]

7. What does your gut tell you to do???

So, go do it!

[Viva_La_Revolution]

17. bad idea... my gut tells me to go beat the crap out of her.

:P

[LaurenG]

8. I am so sorry to hear about this.

Look up borderline personality disorder, it could be what you're dealing with. I also agree with leftymom, get a better atty. :hug:

[skater314159]

20. BPD is what I though of...

... but since I haven't met the individual or talked with her, I cannot really say that as a professional. However, I CAN say that she has some sort of personality disorder and is abusive... which is enough for me to say that NO ONE should have prolonged social contact with her until she recieves professional medical, emotional, mental and spiritual help.


It also is my opinion based upon what has been said about her that she should not be allowed to take care of animals, children, the elderly or others who have to depend on others for their health, safety and personal well-being, as she clearly cannot even care for herself.

[Madrone]

10. Odd that this will be the 2nd time today I've given this out but....

Both you and your son need to spend some time at this website: http://deltabravo.net/

It's an INVALUABLE tool in fighting what you're up against. Good luck.

[skater314159]

21. Awesome resource

... thanks for sharing!

Your information has helped in BOTH threads! Thanks!

skater pi

[Quakerfriend]

11. She sounds as though she may have serious mental

problems. So sorry your son has to go thru this.

FIRST thing I would do is set up a tiny, hidden camera on the dash of the car. This video will go a long way in a court of law- should it come to that.

:hug:

Your son should also keep a record/diary of events that happen- just in case he needs it later.

Don't over react and try to stay calm no matter what. She will eventually 'dig her own grave' as they say.

[SalmonChantedEvening]

12. Aww Viva hun :(

Coupla ideas but first, I'm sorry to hear all this :hug:

If you can, get a new lawyer, and have him/her petition the court to have the mother evaluated. File for custody. The child is innocent of all this, and must be kept out of, and away from this above all.

You and your family are in my thoughts :loveya:

[Chan790]

13. There is a lot of great advice here.

I've unfortunately been around this sort of crap my entire life. I'm sorry to hear that you're having to go through it. You definitely need a new lawyer and Skater's advice is dead-on. Two things I would absolutely do though, not mentioned elsewhere.

1.) Get a camera. Take photo documentation every time she hits your son. Make sure to get things such as newspapers and clocks in the photos in order to document dates and times in order to establish a pattern. I do mean every time too. If she hits him and leaves a red mark, document it. Bruises, scrapes, nail marks, etc. The last thing her lawyer wants to see in court if this ends up in a custodial hearing is mountains of photo evidence that his client is violent.

2.) Don't be afraid if you think she's neglecting\abusing the baby to call your state's dept. of family services. They will come out, they will investigate. Do be very upfront with them, if they catch you or your son in a lie or omission, it'll end up in the report. The report will end up in court. The findings of that report carry a lot of weight.

[skater314159]

22. Yes...

both of these are great things that I forgot in my post. Thanks for sharing.

Documentation is the key in any abuse case. Take pictures, and if there are marks of ANY kind, call the police and file a report. It is important to file police reports when you can, as having case numbers and paperwork filed with your local PD or Sheriff's office will add to the documentation you have on your side if/when this moves to court. The more examples you have of the mother's abusive and erratic behaviour patterns, the easier it will be for the judge to see what is going on and make a truly informed decision.

Also, I really recommend that you call either a Social Worker or your State's Child Protective Services and notify them of what is going on. They are trained to deal with situations like this, and they can also give you help or point you to groups/services who can and will help.

One other question I forgot to ask: what is the mother's living situation? I know this may be hard for you to think about right now, but if she is living with her family right now, they may also be having difficulty living with her, or they may be even more messed up than she is (people often learn these sorts of behaviours in thier home environment, and many mental health problems are inherited). Calling a Social Worker may help them and their situation as much as it helps you and your son.

[Darth_Kitten]

14. Can't offer advice, just moral support.

Hope you get a better lawyer though. :hug: