OK, this thread is for the "Cheatees." Horror stories welcome.

[Tyler Durden]

There seem to be a few of us, so I figured we should all get together and compare notes. Our stories aren't better or worse than anyone else's; they just ARE, and this seems to be the one and only miserable thing to go through that it feels better after telling your story when someone says, "Hey, now kidding! THIS is what happened to ME!"

I met her drawing her blood in a USN clinic. We were both in the NAV. I confused Nymphomania for the mad, passionate unending love she said it was.

No. That's not 100% true. She did tell me more than once that she was in "LUST," but she did marry me enthusiastically. Then came the "fun." We got stationed 100 miles apart.

First was the pregnancy test, but she came clean: not sure if mine or not, forgive her, SHE insists on abortion-I didn't. She's got problems, needs meds, Forgive and forget.

First kid comes after that, things seem OK, less and less sex...I get snipped. Advance 3 years.

THEN comes #2, and I turn into an idiot. I forgive, don't want the older kid to not know a sibling, blah blah blah. Advance 3 more years.

THEN comes #3, This time, Game OVER. She starts extortion (too sick and embarrassing to delineate), I get another house and the kids, divorced. Thus begins 16 YEARS of HELL ON EARTH even worse than the cheating: she lies to them about me, programs the youngest to betray our family OVER AND OVER. THREE rounds with attorneys, and to crown it all, she torpedoes my escape to Canada by not allowing the Youngest to move, costing us 10's of thousands in taxes and we lose the house in Canada. THEN the youngest, 2 years later, goes "Wild Child" and is with her now.

I love the kids most of the time, and did my best to raise them, but having the atheistic/psychological view of the world I do NOW, would I have left her AFTER the first Pregnancy test? HELL FUCKING YES.

[raccoon]

1. kick nt

[PeaceNikki]

2. What does

"I love the kids most of the time" mean?

That statement rubs me wrong. Perhaps it was not meant in the way I am reading it.

In any case, it sounds like the issue with your ex is very deep. It also looks to be that, like most cases, the cheating is a SYMPTOM of larger issues, not the only issue. As I said in the other thread, my ex-husband cheated on me, but it was one of MANY issues in that relationship.

I wish you peace and happiness.

[Tyler Durden]

3. I think if we are honest, MOST of the time is sometimes all we can manage.

I took care of three kids, all by myself until the oldest was 17 years old. Asperger's.
The middle one had abandonment issues...Mommy didn't care enough to talk to him, she just LEFT him.
The youngest never REALLY knew Mother well, so she was rife for programming. I never did any: didn't think it FAIR, until I started getting questions like "Daddy, why did you hold Mommy HOSTAGE?" "Daddy, why did Mommy do all the work and you didn't?" "Daddy, why did you steal all of us from Mommy?"

Mommy was a real sick unit. Kept the Bipolar/Borderline Personality Disorder hidden for some time.

She is currently LYING to the New York State Medicaid folks about having custody (won't sign papers, more extortion). Lets Wild Child come back HERE on a break and her ol' crew (drink/drug/sex) will be cutting classes this week to hang out with her. God knows who she's staying with. I don't.

Her CHEATING was a symptom of being, to put it bluntly, CRAZIER THAN AN UNMEDICATED, VIOLENT (smashed a door by THROWING a 15 pound glass ashtray at me: she missed), SPONGING (accepted a RING, a CAR, a DOWN PAYMENT ON A HOUSE from my family), LOSER.

I have my issues, but at least I'm not crazy. She IS.

[PeaceNikki]

4. Yeah, I can sympathize. But while I don't always LIKE my teenager.

I always love him.

Always.

[Tyler Durden]

14. The last "war" was a real bridge burner.

Basically, Wild Child wanted me to kick out my wife of 7 years.

The Wild Child, when told that one week after she came home DRUNK, she was not going to be allowed out after 8pm on a THURSDAY NIGHT:

"I FUCKING HATE BOTH OF YOU! D______ YOU'RE A FUCKING C__T! I WON'T LIVE IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE WITH YOU! IT'S YOU OR ME!"

Followed by a week's disappearance and a flight to live with her mother in New York.

Yeah, I may still love her, but I don't like her very much.

[LeftyMom]

5. He lied to me, fucked around on me, stole from me, raped me and tried to kill me.

And that's just the highlight reel. I'll spare everybody the grizzly details, primarily because I don't want somebody to have to read them.

[skater314159]

8. Wow.

:hug:

That sucks... but you seem to be doing pretty well now. I think you deserve major props for recognising the problems and having the stregnth to leave that situation, and even more for finding a great relationship.

I'm glad you've found someone who treats you with the respect and love you deserve!

[bicentennial_baby]

11. Hey do we have the same Ex?

:wow: Like, dead on.

:hug:

[krispos42]

6. Wow

That hurts.

:hug:


Mine came after two years of trying to conceive. She had a pergesterone (sp?) deficiency. Thank god the insurance covered it.

Nine months after the kid is born, "I've had an affair on you and want a divorce". Her parents pulled some shit, we left for Minnesota.

We're on good terms, I have my kid every weekend. She's since had a girl with the guy she wound up with (not the affair guy), and we've reached a stable point.

I'm still single, though.

[lost-in-nj]

7. started as an emotional thing

with the howorker...
she listens to me
she understands me
then they have to go away together
for work

then he takes me to Bermuda because he
felt he owed it to me but had to call her EVERY DAY (for work) and a week after we came back I found
out there was someone he was going to meet in the summer..
had his STD test all taken care of, I asked him why he needed an STD test unless he cheated before but he said no.... because he had his heart attack and was poked and prodded in the hospital with needles.... so I asked him why a stranger was worth those tests and I wasn't... he had no answer....
He decided to leave in 10/06 after his emotional affair went a little further
now he doesn't even hide it... she is divorced now and we are going through the process... My daughter gets to see how they act because she works with them....
This person has 2 kids (tweens) my hubby couldn't take going through his own kids teenage years.... let alone someone else's..
He was a virgin when we met, for 30 years I was the only one....
woke up and decided that there must be more out there....(HAVE A BLAST)
see I had 2 other boyfriends before him.... and even though teenage sex sucked, I had "experience" with other partners ....
I never had "adult" sex with anyone but him....

and I knew something was going on in the beginning.... but I wouldn't let my mind
fully accept it.... cause I didn't want to acknowledge it or my failure



I don't have to worry about anyone when i want to go away, stay up late
or just do what ever I want.... he has to schedule around her kids ....

The pain in my heart, the hole in my soul, me wondering what the fuck I did wrong and the embarrassment I have are getting better
little by little.... cause I still love him
yeah I know I'm an ass....


lost

[redqueen]

17. I'm sorry...

:pals:


And no, you're not an ass.

[badgerpup]

9. Wow...

OK...nothing like the above, but it's mine.

Seventeen years old, first time in the ring. First love. :eyes:
Wouldn't 'go all the way'; I'd paid attention in "Health Ed" (read: Sex Education, except we weren't supposed to call it that to save our parents tender sensibilities) and the idea of getting pregnant didn't appeal to me. Was the 1970s and I'd gotten the idea that Birth Control Was The Woman's Responsibility...and here I am, seventeen.
What am I gonna do, talk to my MOTHER?
Well, there's other stuff we can do...but he was seventeen too.
The girl I thought was my BFF had no such scruples or worries, so she had absolutely no problem having sex with him, and getting pregnant was a bonus...
meant she 'took him away' from me, which made her the 'better' woman.
SCORE!:sarcasm:

Took me years to get over this 'betrayal'...even though their marriage turned out to be majorly dysfunctional and both of them grew up into very unpleasant people...yeah, I got lucky.

Next 'Cheat'...another piece of work.
Guy was a sex machine, which suited me fine at the time. :evilgrin:
I had another girlfriend, (notice past tense here) who...well...let's just say her worldview was a bit egocentric. It was OK if she wanted it...but if anyone else tried the same thing, gods help them. She decided that she wanted a piece of 'John'. He, being unable to keep his yap shut about anything bragged told me that she wanted him, and that he'd be staying at her place when was visiting the town she lived in and that there wasn't anything I could do about it.
Me, having been reading Heinlein, saw the way this was going to go and said "OK, go ahead. You guys have fun...just don't catch anything." (Yeah, it hurt, but what else could I do?)
For some reason that I never quite understood, that went over like a lead balloon. :nuke:
Best I can figure it, how DARE I not play the Rejected Woman? :shrug:
He did get me though later on...he'd always been kinda iffy about his sexuality...and I found out later (from a third party) after we'd broken up that he'd changed his luck and hadn't told me about it...and was still having sex with me on occasion when he was in town.
THAT scared me. Got tested for all kinds of stuff...including HIV...immediately. No, not because GAY=HIV, (not my belief, so put the flamethrowers down, people) but because he lied to me about sleeping with ANYONE, let alone everyone.
Test came back negative.

Round Three. Fiance was eleven years younger, but he fell head over heels in love at first sight with another woman. Saw that right away, and frankly was relieved, cause by then I knew it wasn't going to work and was looking for some graceful way out of this. Let him go with my blessing; we're still friends.

Annnnnd....Jason. :eyes: He found a picture of pretty blond tits on the internet. Decided that he 'deserved' a beautiful woman that he could fall in love with.
I'm not beautiful. Wrapping ain't Victoria's Secret by any means...but the contents are pure Craftsman.
Jason didn't care, he wanted Hot Arm Candy. Dumped me after nearly six years with no warning- told me "We never had a commitment. I just let you think that so your feelings wouldn't be hurt."
Pretty Blond Tits turned out to be an internet scammer...so he turned around and found another pair of Pretty Blond Tits on the 'net...this one in Nigeria. Some people have a very flat learning curve...:dunce:

I've never married, never had kids. Think I've been rather lucky, all things considered.

[skater314159]

10. Good vibes for you...

... and your kids.

It sounds like you have done well getting out of this situation, and you're making progress on processing all the emotions and feelings.

The bad thing with situations like this is, as you have learned, the effects of having a crazy selfish person for a parent or step-parent really sticks with you. What helps kids affected by those sorts of parental units is having a strong, stable parent to look up to and talk through things with. I think that you DEFINATLEY help your children in this area. The thing to remember though when talking with your kids is to not dump on them about your ex (you can vent here on DU if you need to express that sort of thing) but instead allow them to express their feelings and emotions in thier own voice. Talking to a therapist or professional counselor would also help them to process all of what you've mentioned.

Don't beat yourself up over things you did in the past... you did the best you could with the information you had. One problem you had then is that you are an honest, respecting, loving, and straightforward person - which ISN'T a problem - but you expected everyone to also have these traits - which IS a problem, because it isn't accepting the person for who they are.

Now, this doesn't mean you should beat yourself up over this... ask yourself "Why would you have expected any different?" You're a nice guy, your friends are probably all nice people... so how exactly were you supposed to learn how assholes think and act? Why would you want to learn how assholes think and act? You don't want to integrate that sort of crap into your mind or your life.

Thanks for sharing.

:hippie:

[redqueen]

12. Here's a funny one...

one of the guys who cheated on me, tried to explain it away by saying he wanted to be with someone with big boobs.

:crazy:

[Shell Beau]

15. Of course!! Makes perfect sense! Why didn't you just get a boob job?

Duh?



:eyes:



:P

[redqueen]

18. Eh... I just left him.

:D

Like lost, I also got the "she listens to me" thing from my ex... about some pretty young(er) thing at his job.

Bleah!

[Shell Beau]

19. Don't you just love some of their excuses?

[redqueen]

23. They do help make a bad situation a little humourous, at least.

:)

[DarkTirade]

20. Eh, they're overrated.

I've dated girls with barely an A cup and girls with more than a D cup... not too much of a difference in the long run.

[redqueen]

24. Depends on the person, I guess...

for some, certain things are important... for others, other things.

I tend to prefer people who aren't so all-fired into "things", but rather, qualities. :)

[DarkTirade]

25. What, boobs aren't qualities?

:P

I know what you mean, though.

[Chovexani]

13. Hoo boy, let me tell you about my ex-girlfriend.

She was tall, statuesque and gorgeous. A total sweetheart. I met her at the anime club on campus. She was one of those lesbians that is prejudiced against bi women though--we are cheaters and will leave for men, blah blah. When she asked me out, I told her I was bi, and she said she would be willing to give me a chance and that it didn't matter to her.

Everything was great for like three months. Her family loved me. Then one day I came over (I had a key to her place), and overheard her talking dirty to someone on the phone. When I confronted her, she said she was sorry and that it didn't mean anything. Being a dumb college chick, I bought it and forgave her. Then about two weeks later I found panties that didn't belong to either of us. Without getting too graphic let's just say they were, uh, damning evidence. I dumped her on the spot.

The funny thing about it is a few months later when I was in the line to get my school ID renewed, I overheard a woman in front of me talking about this ex-gf who done her wrong, who happened to share the same name as mine. We got to talking and sure enough, she'd dated her too, and was also cheated on. Apparently she broke a string of naive femme hearts, to the point where there were probably enough of her bitter exes on campus to start our own club.

The irony that I, the supposedly slutty bi chick, was utterly faithful to her, and she was the one running around town still makes me laugh in a bitter kind of way.

[Tyler Durden]

16. Always love your "Disclaimer"!

We don't have to hetero to be Broken Hearts club members.

SOLIDARITY!

[DarkTirade]

21. I think in that case we'd call that 'projection'. :\

[SarahB]

27. Sometimes

"slutty bi chicks" can be extremely ethical, honest, and loving people. :hug:

[DarkTirade]

22. As far as I know I've only been cheated on while still in high school.

If it ever happened since then, I never found out.

Although I did have one ex who came pretty close... basically the several times we broke up she usually hooked up with someone else RIGHT away. But as far as I know she never technically crossed the line to cheating.

She did, however, cheat on one of those guys with me before she broke up with him and got back together with me... so it makes me wonder about what happened the other way around.

The one in high school was from quite possibly the hottest girl I've ever dated. Normally I'm not one to just fall for a pretty face, but she was just THAT hot. She decided she wanted to go out with me, and despite having very little in common with her, I couldn't bring myself to say no. That hot.

Anyhow, she ended up going off to a college party, getting drunk, and making out with some guy. Then saying it was nothing and she'd rather be with me. Then changing her mind a few days later and hooking up with him.

The kicker? She was a freshman in high school. Not yet 15. I hadn't tried to make too many moves in a physical direction with her because I was a senior, several years older than her. So I felt it would be a little iffy for me to make any first moves there. However, the guy she left me for? 22. Almost an 8 year age difference there. And I was worried about the 3 1/2 year age difference between us. :\

[SarahB]

26. Cheated on me when I was sick and pregnant.

I was 19, we just got married after an unplanned pregnancy (though we had just gotten engaged before I found out I was pregnant), and I had hyperemesis (meaning I was vomiting about 10 times a day for months) and my hyper-sex drive (wanting it at least once a day) went to about twice a week. I found condom wrappers. He said he didn't know how they got there. I believed him because I felt no choice (I really didn't have anyone I could turn to), so I stayed in denial for years.

Flash forward years of monogamy (I do not believe he ever cheated again) and he was an insecure, jealous man who despite being married to a very sexually open-minded woman stifled even the most vanilla of experimentation making me feel like some unattractive, undesirable person. In one episode of jealous bullshit, I finally vented back (probably 10 years after the condom thing), "I've never given you a reason to doubt ME. YOU on the other hand....". I was told something that made me finally click in my brain, "He lied to me all those years ago." and felt strong enough myself to accept that. I would have forgiven him, but then after admitting it, he denied it again. Finally about 4 years later when I managed to get everything together enough financially to actually get out (obviously many factors lead to the deterioration of our marriage), he said he "was feeling lonely and deprived" at the time back in '91 on literally the night before I moved out.

I did come very close to cheating at one point. Many people would say I did emotionally, but I once those thoughts became serious, I became serious about getting out. I did remarry (I had no romatic relationship with my current husband until my divorce was very final) and neither of us came into it as young or innocent. We have our flaws and aren't perfect (and weren't perfect in how we handled everything in our first marriages), but we're HONEST! Sex is not love and love is not sex and I'm not sure if I believe in the concept of "forever" monogamy, but I don't like lies or deceit. I wouldn't tolerate it and I wouldn't expect him to.