I have a question .... about weddings

[auntAgonist]

How far in advance of a wedding should an invitation arrive?

If you're invited to the bridal shower, does that mean you are or are not invited to the wedding?

TIA

aA

[femmocrat]

1. My best guess (as a recent MOG)

Six weeks on the invitation (to allow time for RSVPs).

An invitation to the bridal shower is not an automatic invitation to the wedding. Still have to send/receive a formal invitation.

[auntAgonist]

4. thanks, yeah, that's what I was thinking too

I am assuming we aren't invited to the wedding being as it's at the end of March this year.
I'm going to enjoy the bridal shower though :)


thanks again.

aA

[Book Lover]

2. About six weeks in advance, more or less

Allowance for time and custom is always necessary.

You are only invited to events you are issued an invitation for. If you only get a bridal shower invite, that's all you have been invited to.

[auntAgonist]

3. That's what I figured, thank you,

I wouldn't have assumed otherwise. I just wondered if a wedding invitation was forthcoming.

thanks.

aA

[IzaSparrow]

5. the bridal shower is traditionally the place

where you invite people that don't make "the cut" for the wedding. the couple wants you to be a part of the event, but doesn't have enough space/money to invite everyone they want.

[auntAgonist]

6. that's disappointing but understandable.

I'll enjoy the shower.

aA

thankyou.

[IzaSparrow]

8. not a problem...

i've read my fair share of wedding literature. x(

[SallyMander]

10. d00d, i am the most low-maintenance fiance EVAH!

x(

:P

[IzaSparrow]

11. I'm not saying you made me read them....

I just have throughout the years :P x(

[SallyMander]

13. Yeah, just you wait...

you are going to be buried in books if we're ever expecting a minimandersparrow!

:scared:

:rofl:

[IzaSparrow]

16. They come with an instruction manual, right?

:shrug:

[SallyMander]

17. ...

:spray:

:spank:

[purodemocrata]

23. No idea

Never been married.

[auntAgonist]

26. welcome to DU!

[SallyMander]

32. Why is this poster no longer with us?

10 totally innocuous posts, far as i can tell...??? :shrug:


Edit -- same with democraticoverground -- 8 Lounge posts and banned. Whaaaa???

[Midlodemocrat]

36. We hate the unmarried. It's a known fact.

[Der Blaue Engel]

39. Sock puppet?

Or another IP issue? Just a guess.

[zanne]

45. If you're just invited to the shower, get a cheap gift.

Actually, if the bride is registered at a high-end store, just buy anything you think is appropriate anywhere. (Provide the sales receipt if it's a dupe).
I personally think that it's rude to invite people only to the shower. It means that you weren't important enough to them to join in their special day, but they'll accept a gift from you.

[LostinVA]

15. Really?

I think it's tacky as hell to invite people to a shower and not the wedding. None of my wedding books said that it was okay to do that, either.

I'm in the NYC metro area, fwiw.

[LibraLiz1973]

24. I agree. How TACKY!!!

[Sanity Claws]

31. I agree

It's like asking people for a gift but then thinking they're not good enough to attend the wedding.
I never heard it was okay to do that.

[electron_blue]

47. I do too. But keep in mind the showers are not thrown by the bride or groom.

Or they're not supposed to be. They are thrown by friends who may have their own ideas of how to do this, and who may not have the wedding guest list in front of them. Or who may think someone is invited to the wedding, but isn't. Or....

[AlCzervik]

22. i totally disagree with you there.

never once in my experience has that been the case for my own wedding or any wedding i've ever been to.

the act of inviting someone to a shower to basically get a gift and then not inviting them to the wedding---are you kidding me? Tacky, tacky and once again, tacky.

[IzaSparrow]

27. not saying it's what's practiced.

just what i've picked up. i think showers are tacky and seem greedy. "take time out of your busy schedule, and you have to come to the wedding, come spend more time with me, buy me presents...."

[AlCzervik]

29. no one says a bride has to have a shower but if so the rule should be if you invite

them to the shower then they should be invited to the wedding as well.

[IzaSparrow]

30. I guess what needs to be agreed on...

what is the purpose of the shower?

The debate is pointless if we don't understand the point of a shower.

[pitohui]

48. the purpose of a shower is to get loot

i think we all know damn good and well what showers are for, wedding showers, baby showers, it's all the same thing -- greedy people who want me to support their family

there was a short period way back in the day when people got married barefoot in the backyard and didn't expect a hand-out but i no longer attend weddings or showers or receptions, it's just too ugly, what did it for me was when the 80s came in and the "money dance" came back, jesus, why not just say flat out that the bride is a whore getting married for the cash? i guess i'm not a good capitalist, i don't see anything fun or entertaining about "gimme, gimme, gimme" -- and now we have the "destination" wedding where guests are supposed to shell out hundreds, if not thousands of dollars, to attend a wedding, that's a lot of money for a party that is guaranteed to be tedious and boring and too much drinking whilst being forced into close contact with every bore with a wallet in the lucky couple's extended family

when i married, we slipped away privately and announced it later, with NO GIFTS PLEASE prominently on our announcements, so it isn't like i ever made a grab with both hands and don't want to give back, i just can't whore myself like that and i don't quite respect those "brides" who do so...

but at least a wedding serves some purpose, a shower is FRANKLY about a money/gift grab

[IzaSparrow]

55. I'm with you...

this is all part of the wedding industry hoopla. "you need to do this; you can't live without this product...."

[Midlodemocrat]

35. Showers are designed for friends and family to express their joy for the couple.

It's not all Baccarat and Silver. It's a wonderful opportunity for people, (especially the friends of the parents who are paying, to see the couple and catch up)

I don't think it's a greedy thing at all. When I got married, I registered for very reasonably priced things like towels, etc. It's a celebration.

[IzaSparrow]

37. Best I can do...

"Legend has it, the first bridal shower was held in Holland. The bride-to-be was rather well off, while her fiancé, a local miller, was not. Her father forbade the wedding and cut off her dowry. The couple married anyway and endured tough times financially. To help them out, many of the townspeople had a party for them and bestowed upon them many useful household items."

--http://weddings.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Bridal_Shower

So it seems that the tradition began as an informal gathering for support for the bride-to-be.

Who gets invited? The wedding industry says

"Start off by asking the bride for a guest list! (If it's a surprise, talk to her mother, or her fiancé). You'll want to make sure that you're not inviting anyone who won't be invited to the wedding, and the only way to know that is to ask directly. Remember to invite close female relatives of both the bride and groom, as well as all the women in the wedding party and the bride's close friends. While bridal showers are traditionally all women, today, many are co-ed affairs celebrating both the bride and groom."

--http://weddings.about.com/od/theweddingparty/a/showerbasics.htm


So I'll resign to being on the wrong side of the debate.

Cheers all,
Iza

[auntAgonist]

38. good information there , thanks. n/t

[IzaSparrow]

43. you're welcome. n/t

[pitohui]

49. one could celebrate something and still buy one's own towels

sure it's greed, who are we kidding?

there are lots of ways to celebrate something, but a shower is a party about opening gifts and envelopes and that's all it is

boring, tacky, and ugly

[northzax]

50. a lot of people have showers

when they are having out of town weddings and invite people who would not otherwise come to the wedding.

[Midlodemocrat]

34. Actually, that is completely false.

You NEVER invite someone to a shower who you don't intend to invite to the wedding. It's extremely poor etiquette to do so.

[lost-in-nj]

7. working on my daughters wedding

we just sent out the Save the Dates
for her Oct. wedding...

we will not invite anyone to the shower who is not invited to the wedding...
and the Invites for the wedding will be going out before shower invites....

I was always invited to the wedding
before the shower.....


lost

maybe you should call whom ever you are close to in this wedding and see.....

[Debi]

19. *ahhhhhh*

You are my etiquette hero!!! :loveya:

[auntAgonist]

20. Thanks, I was thinking of asking the bride,

but I think that would be rude of me to do so. (?)


I guess I'll just wait and see. I've got my fingers crossed. This isn't family but I do care deeply for the bride.


thanks again lost.
:hug:

[LibraLiz1973]

25. I do not think it would be rude. Actually, I would ask if I was to be invited to the wedding

And if the answer is no, I would not go to the shower either.

[AlCzervik]

28. excellent, exactly how it should be. I cannot believe people invite guests to a shower

and then not the actual wedding. Raised by wolves.

[Mike03]

9. About the Bridal Shower question,

my experience is that it's perfectly fine if people invited to the bridal shower come to the wedding, at least that was the case in my situation.

In my situation, I think invitations arrived two or so months in advance.

[greatauntoftriplets]

12. My experience is that an invitation to the shower will be followed by an invitation to the wedding.

Maybe that is a Chicago thing. Last wedding I went to (last October) I received the invitation about two months in advance and a save-the-date card months earlier. The bride opted not to have a shower because they already had a fully stocked household.

[NNadir]

14. I am getting married in 2050. You are invited to the shower, which will be in 2042.

I may send you a wedding invitation, but it depends on what your shower gift is, frankly.

[auntAgonist]

21. roflmao!

:rofl: well by then I'll be 94 years old for the shower and probably dust by the time you have the wedding. Maybe I should start shopping now so you don't end up with some really dumb gift from an old lady who smells like lavender or some such thing LOL

:hi:

[Debi]

18. 6 weeks - possible as late as 3 weeks - any later...oops!

Bridal showers are separate from the wedding.

[Midlodemocrat]

33. About one month. and if you are invited to the shower

you damn well better be invited to the wedding. To do otherwise is very poor etiquette.

[Der Blaue Engel]

40. That's what I was thinking

That would be like saying "You're good enough to give me presents, but not good enough to be at my wedding."

If a wedding invite isn't received within a few weeks of the wedding, it may have gone astray, and I would certainly ask.

[LeftyMom]

41. Wedding invites (or save-the-dates) should go out months in advance,

to make sure everybody who needs to can arrange for travel, time off work, etc as needed. Unless the couple has a habit of doing things late or very informally, if the wedding is next month and you haven't got an invite yet, I don't think one is forthcoming. If it were lost in the mail, somebody would likely have inquired about your lack of an RSVP by now.

On the other hand, the shower invitation gives you a polite reason to ask, and to assume that an error has taken place, as a solicitation for a gift (which is what a shower invite is) without an invitation to the actual event is pretty darn rude. Should there be financial constraints which limit the guest list, the bride should have said so before you received the shower invite, that being the only circumstance where an invite to the shower but not the wedding is even possibly acceptable.

[auntAgonist]

53. I'm hoping for an invite, but .... it doesn't look like it's forthcoming.

It's getting too close to the date now I think.

:(

thanks for your thoughtful reply.

aA
kesha

[puerco-bellies]

42. Ah crap on toast.. I forgot to send the invite doc to the printer..

I took the paper inserts (the part that needs printing) but he wanted it in electronic form since I did not know the name of the font. I just e-mailed it.. Was supposed to do it last week.. That's forgivable right? Not like Ali would harbor a resentment for it right? Is Canada reachable on one tank of gas?

We are getting married on the 21st of March.. If I'm still alive, CaliforniaPeggy will do the Photography!

Edited for various reasons, but mostly to include the date.

[BeachBaby]

44. Could I ask when the wedding is....

and when the shower is?

I'm asking because of how we handled my sister-in-law's shower/wedding. She was such a snoop about everything, so we wanted to do our damnedest to surprise her. We ended up having her shower 5 months before her wedding. She also opted to send out her wedding invites 4 weeks before the big day.

And, I'm in the "if you are invited to the shower, you should be invited to the wedding" camp; unless the bride/groom are going to have a tiny wedding with only immediate family, or they're going away somewhere exotic to exchange vows all by themselves, to invite someone to give them gifts without extending the invite to include them in the festivities is just wrong.

[auntAgonist]

46. The wedding is at the end of March this year, the shower

is this coming Sunday.

:(

aA

[JohnCheg]

51. I know this!

The answer is AT LEAST 60 days!

[auntAgonist]

52. thanks. welcome to DU

[IzaSparrow]

54. welcome to DU!