One of my uncles died on Tuesday.

[ThomCat]

He had Intestinal Cancer. He was in hospice care. Everyone knew he was dying. Except me. My mom didn't bother to tell me any of this until today, two days after he died. x(

He was a good man. I liked and respected him. As I get older I become less like my father and more like him. I have been learning his patience, his perseverance. I would have found a way to Syracuse to be with him for a day and say goodbye. I would have been there for his passing.

I want to be there for the funeral, but I can't make all the arrangements I need to travel safely on 1 days notice. I spent today trying to figure out how I could get there. I can't. I can't do anything without planning and help anymore. :(

I'm grieving for an uncle I liked, and I'm so incredibly mad at my mother right now.

[BlueIris]

1. Oh, honey. I'm sorry. That is terrible.

...egh. I would be really, really mad if my mother withheld information from me like that.

[ThomCat]

4. I sent a large floral arrangement.

She'll get complemented on it. Then she'll call me and go on and on about how I spent too much money.

I think I just won't talk to her for a few weeks. I don't need the stress. :(

[lizziegrace]

2. Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry.

:hug:

Is this the uncle who taught you how to cook? I'm so very sorry you're not able attend the funeral. And don't even get me started on your mother.

:(

[ThomCat]

5. This is a different uncle. My Uncle Bill.

The quietest, strongest, most reliable guy anyone ever ignored or took for granted. People took advantage of him quite a bit.

But he was a quiet, happy, modest man who held on and just lived his life. :)

[lizziegrace]

9. ...

sounds like someone I know. :hug:

My thoughts are with you Thom.

[lightningandsnow]

3. I'm so sorry.

That's awful.

:hug:

[ThomCat]

6. You're so young.

I hope you haven't had to experience death. It really sucks. :(

:hug:

[Maraya1969]

7. I really sorry and I hate what your mom did.

:hug: Who the hell knows what goes through some people's heads.

[ThomCat]

11. I will probably never understand how she thinks.

But that's mutual. :shrug:

I will write some letters to my cousins (his three sons) this weekend. I wish I was there with them.

[Starbucks Anarchist]

8. I'm so sorry for your loss, Thom.

:hug: :hug:

[ThomCat]

12. Thank you, SA.

:hug:

[seemunkee]

10. I'm sorry Thomcat

Maybe your mother didn't want to add any more worries to you.

[ThomCat]

13. That's possible.

But would you want to be spared that kind of worry?

I'd rather know what's happening and be able to do something for or with my uncle, my aunt and my cousins.

[seemunkee]

14. I agree with you.

My in-laws have done something similar.

[soleft]

15. I'm sorry for your loss

Wishing you and all your Uncle's loved ones comfort and peace.

[ThomCat]

24. Thank you.

:)

:hug:

[annabanana]

16. I'm so sorry you didn't get the opportunity

to spend some extra time with him.

I'm sure your Mother thought she was doing the right thing, but I understand your anger.

[ThomCat]

25. I'm sure you're right.

Mom's tend to think they're doing the right thing. I'll give her credit for that. :)

[Ellen Forradalom]

17. I'm so sorry

For your loss and for the inconsideration of your mother. It's not that hard to pick up the phone.

[ThomCat]

27. Apparently it is in our family.

:(

:hug:

[harmonicon]

18. I'm sorry buddy, I know what it's like

My grandmother and one of my favourite aunts died within a few months of each other. I didn't go to either funeral, partly because of time and money, but also because the funerals really weren't for me - they were for my mom and her sisters. I'm sort of glad I didn't go - I don't think I could have been able to stand other people in my generation who free loaded off of these women acting like they had emotional connections. Just remember that the funerals aren't important. Your love and memories of your uncle can't be bought on short notice, but also won't be over in a day. Don't stay mad at your mom for too long - sounds like my mom, and she's never absent minded to be mean.

[ThomCat]

29. Good advice.

:)

Thank you.

[harmonicon]

32. You're a good guy, ThomCat

I know it hurts and you're sad.... I just wish I could be more help *hugs*

[Haole Girl]

19. I'm sorry Thom

I miss my favorite Uncle so much, so much still, and it's been two years. :cry:

[ThomCat]

30. Hi KC2,

:hug:

That's good. If you miss him then you still remember him clearly. :)

[fizzgig]

20. i am so sorry, thom

that is such a hard place to be :hug:

[ThomCat]

31. Yes, it is.

But when someone dies, I don't know if there's any easy place to be. :(

I'll just mourn him from here.
:hug:

[July]

21. I'm so sorry, ThomCat.

I can only suggest you do something that is meaningful to you and that might be meaningful to your uncle, since you haven't been given the chance to follow the traditional observances.

You sound as if you knew the essence of the man; perhaps that will help you think of fitting ways to remember him.

It is a tribute to him that you grieve him sincerely. I wish you peace and strength as you deal with the pain of the loss of your dear uncle.

[ThomCat]

33. He was very Catholic.

I think I'll light some candles. :)

I'm in NYC, and I work not far from St Patrick's Cathedral. I think I'll light some candles there.

[Gormy Cuss]

22. Aw Thomcat. I so understand this.

I heard about one of my uncles six months later from the unrelated parent and it was in an off-handed manner as if she assumed that my father would have mentioned it. Nope.

Your uncle knew that you liked and respected him and if you are more and more like him with time that is the best tribute you could offer.

I'm sorry that you didn't have the chance to say good-bye in person.

[ThomCat]

34. I'm sorry that you've gone through this too.

:hug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

23. sorry love. that sucks

:hug:

[ThomCat]

35. Hi, Pri.

:hug:

It does suck. But we all live through suckiness. :(

[RFKHumphreyObama]

26. My deepest and sincerest thoughts, prayers, condolences and sympathies

to you on the loss of your uncle. He sounds like he was a wonderful person and it is evident from your profoundly moving tribute to him how much you loved him.

I'm so, so sorry Thomcat. And I'm sorry your mother failed to tell you what was happening

May your uncle in peace and once again I extend my thoughts, prayers and deepest sympathies to you and your family :hug: :hug: :hug:

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."
~ Helen Keller

[ThomCat]

36. Thank you so much.

:hug:

I'm not so good at being profound today. But I think anyone in our family would recognize him immediately from my brief description. :)

[xchrom]

28. Peace be with you - and your family.

death and dying seem to go hand in hand with people making some bad judgements.

[ThomCat]

37. That is definitely true.

:(

:hug:
Let's hope we make better decision when we're dealing with life than we do when we're dealing with death.

[Inchworm]

38. I am sorry Thom

I wish you didn't have to find out so late. I'm sure your mom somehow thought it was for the best. I feel for you.

I was in the hospital when my dad passed. My family thought I didn't need to know he died since I was there. I found out through a friend 2-3 days afterward. Took me a while to get over that.

:hug:

[ThomCat]

39. Wow. :(

If you have any relationship at all with your father I can't imagine anyone making that decision not to tell you. :(

:hug:

There is no way to understand family. :(

[Inchworm]

40. I kind of rationalized it over the years

I was pretty wild and unstable in '94. I guess they thought I'd bolt from the hospital to get to the viewing/funeral.

Which I did... after I found out. I left the hospital and was on a plane in only a few hours. :)

Still, you are right. There is no way to understand family.

:hug:

[UrbScotty]

41. My love and condolences.

:hug:

I'm especially sorry about the circumstances that make this all the more difficult.

[ThomCat]

42. Thank you.

:hug:

I'll let the anger blow away somewhere. I don't think it'll be worth holding on to. But I'm not ready to give it up just yet.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

43. ...

:hug::hug::hug:
I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear uncle.
:hug::hug::hug:

[ThomCat]

44. Thank you, GoG.

:hug:

[miss_american_pie]

45. I'm sorry, Thom

:hug:

[ThomCat]

52. Thank you.

It's good to see that you're here. I understand why some people just lurk, but I miss seeing you post. :hug:

[NewWaveChick1981]

46. I'm sorry, sweetie.

:hug: :pals: That's so sad. My heart goes out to you, both for losing your uncle and for your mother not telling you.

[ThomCat]

53. I just heard today that nobody is traveling in from out of town

for the funeral.

It's first thing in the morning. I'm upset that I can't travel to be there. But people who routinely travel, and can afford to, aren't making the effort.

Uncle Bill was always underappreciated because he was so quiet, and because my Aunt was so loud. :(

:hug:
Things do not happen the way we think they should. They happen the way they happen.

[SallyMander]

47. So, so sorry to hear this TC

Both that you lost a beloved family member, and that your mom didn't tell you of his illness...

My condolences and many many hugs :hug: :hug: :hug:

[ThomCat]

54. Thank you very much.

Hugs are very appreciated right now. :hug:

[Parche]

48. Big Hug

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:hi:

[ThomCat]

55. Hi, Parche

Thank you very much. :hug:

Let's hope we get some good things happening in the near future. I think we're due for DUers to share good news. :)

[applegrove]

49. Sorry.

[ThomCat]

56. Hi Applegrove.

:hi:

Thank you. :hug:

[livetohike]

50. My sympathy to you and your family ThomCat

:hug:

My parents "protected" me from the knowledge that my Grandfather was dying from pancreatic cancer. I was 800 miles away at the time. Even though it was thirty years ago, I still wish I had known, so I could have had that last good-bye.

I hope your good memories of your Uncle will help ease the sadness.

[ThomCat]

57. That isn't something you forget.

And this isn't something I'll forget. :(

:hug:
Thank you. I am definitely taking time to remember good memories.

[av8rdave]

51. So sorry....what a shame to not be able to be there for someone you love and respect so much

I can only imagine how frustrating that has to be.

Sounds like you were very lucky to have him in your life!

My condolences

[ThomCat]

61. It's odd

that my mom has no idea who I respect and admire in the family. I know her opinions about everyone we're related to. I figured I was equally transparent. I guess not.

I hope my uncle knew. He was so calm and quiet that when you were with him a lot of the conversation was implied rather than said. He never had blunt, emotional or deep conversations with anyone. He always seemed to know what was going on without the need to talk about it.

This is frustrating and sad. I wonder what I should have said or done long ago. :(

[av8rdave]

71. You can second guess yourself forever...it's pointless.

My guess is that your uncle knew. Celebrate his life...sounds like he earned it!

[DarkTirade]

58. I regret I have but one hug to give.

:hug:

[ThomCat]

62. You have many more hugs to give.

I know, because I've received many of them. :hug:

[DarkTirade]

67. That's 'cause you're worth spending my hard-earned hugs on.

:hug: :)

[Kajsa]

59. I'm so sorry, Thomcat!

My condolences to you and your family.

:hug: :grouphug:

( I just lost my aunt last month- it hurts!)

[ThomCat]

63. I am sorry for your loss too.

:hug:

Life hurts. Only death does not. :(

I hope you are doing well and remembering good things too. :hug:

[Kajsa]

65. Thanks, Thomcat!

:hug:

[malta blue]

60. Aw hell Thom. I am so sorry to hear that.

I would have helped you find a way to Syracuse, even if I had to drive you there myself :hug:

[ThomCat]

64. You are very wonderful.

:hug:

It's times like this that I regret that I can't drive. :(

[SalmonChantedEvening]

66. Condolences and good thoughts ThomCat

Prayers for peace of spirit.

:hug:

[ThomCat]

68. Thank you, SCE

:)

I'm working on that peace of spirit. :hug:

[Shine]

69. Wow, that's rough. I'm really sorry for your loss.

I totally understand why you're angry with your mom. That sucks she didn't tell you.

However, as a hospice volunteer, I'm glad to know he was in good hands at the end.

I wish you and your family Peace and Comfort during this difficult time. :hug: Be gentle with yourself, my friend.

[ThomCat]

70. I am very glad that you do the volunteer work that you do.

:hug:

I miss volunteer work. People who do it are a different kind of person. :grouphug:

[NashVegas]

72. I'm So Sorry, Thom

That really sucks.

Sometimes New Yorkers too much head, not enough emotion, when it comes to communicating.

[wiggs]

73. Condolences. Not a time for anger; if you can

possibly put it away for a while you'll be able to be in the right frame of mind to honor your uncle, even if you're not there.

Again...sorry for the loss. Perhaps you can tell us more about him as a way of remembering him and participating in his passing?