A Tough Parenting Problem That Kind of Stumps Me.

[NNadir]

Suddenly - as if from nowhere - my youngest kid, whose going to turn 9 is exploding intellectually.

All night long, it's question after question, about the structure of matter - he gave a neat little correct lecture on the structure of protons vs. neutrons last night at bedtime - and this evening I pulled out an old calculus text to show him the geometry of the Mean Value Theorem - and he got it. At bed time it was a discussion of organic chemistry and the nature of aromatic rings and double bonds.

We've talked about Neils Bohr and the structure of the atom, the nature of electromagnetic radiation, all kinds of stuff.

In the last few weeks he's been teaching himself to play the recorder and the guitar.

Two nights ago we went into this big thing about the structure of cells and cell organelles, all questions based on his independent reading - books he took out of the library.

He is suddenly at a point where I don't have to teach him much - it's all self driven.

(They seem not to have noticed any of this at my son's school by the way, which is actually fine by me.)

The problem is his older brother, now 13, who is no intellectual slouch by any means - an Einstein, I might add of ethics who has told not one lie in his life except to spare feelings - who suddenly feels inferior to his little brother.

The kicker is that the little guy wins every game they play together, chess, monopoly, whatever.

My boys are extremely close - best friends - and is very clear that the little guy has benefited and advanced because of his older brother, but frankly, the little guy is intimidating.

There's a part of me that wants to hold back something - the attention I'm giving the little guy because of his interest and his intensity. On the other hand, I don't really want the little guy to feel bad about his intellect. I don't really want him to feel he has to hide it, or be ashamed of it. And I want the older guy to know that I love him and value him as much as his brother.

And the last thing I want - I'm speaking as a guy who will never speak to his own brother again - is to drive any kind of wedge between my boys.

I really don't know what to do in this space.

[Fran Kubelik]

1. Wow.

I have no advice other than to say way to go. You sound like an amazing dad, and your boys have obviously benefited from your attentions. I say just trust your gut - it has obviously gotten you quite far to date.

[Connonym]

2. my 2 cents

Continue to be supportive to both of your sons. Make sure that you're not missing opportunities to encourage your older son. Don't hold them to the same standard, encourage him for doing the best HE can do which may not be the same as the best the younger son can do. Don't compare them, honor their individuality and let them grow in their own ways. If you love and respect each of them for what they are then they will learn to love and respect each other and themselves. In other words, try not to worry, sounds like you're doing fine.

[clyrc]

3. Speaking as the dimmest bulb around, usually,

I can say spend equal time with both sons and make sure you appreciate the good qualities of your older son. My younger brother and sister are both hilarious, so quick and funny it's amazing, and I'm not. My mom always half-heartedly told me that well, I was the patient one and that was a good thing. Not quite good enough, though. Then I married a college prof, and while everyone admits that I'm the more practical of the two of us, it's unspoken that I'm not nearly as bright.

It's natural that you appreciate your youngest son's talents, and of course he should know that and benefit from your time with him. If you let your older son know, in a way that isn't obviously forced, that he is amazing in his own way, it should help. I have two daughters, and in my case it's the oldest who is intellectually impressive, so I know something about this from the parent perspective, too. My youngest knows how impressed I am with her ability to make people love her, which is something her older sister sadly lacks. When, on occasion, my youngest tells me that she isn't as smart as her sister, I tell her that she is smart enough and she has different talents from her sister.

I hope this helps.

[NNadir]

4. Good advice and good perspective.

I am really trying to make my big guy know about his strengths, which are many.

[SarahB]

5. Reinforce and acknowledge ALL you children's strengths.

My oldest three have all been identified as "gifted" (the two middle ones, boys ages 12 and 9, are similar to your younger son). My youngest is 6 and very average- not behind really, but he doesn't have that intrinsic motivation. He is, however, extremely limber and athletic. I try to give him plenty of support and encouragement for his talents. We each have our own gifts. The key I think is to let them know we love them for WHO THEY ARE nurturing and supporting their interests.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

6. Your boys simply possess different gifts...

Encourage them both to appreciate the gifts the other has, and to use them together...maybe to help kids who aren't so gifted.

Congrats on being such a great dad! :hi:

[LiberalAndProud]

7. I think your 13-year-old gets it.

" an Einstein, I might add of ethics who has told not one lie in his life except to spare feelings "

Celebrate their strengths. Get busy! Sounds like you have a lot of celebrating to do.


You are a wealthy man.

[tinrobot]

8. He's still the older brother.

He's physically bigger, wiser, and more mature. Make sure he knows that, maybe even give him some responsibility over his younger brother. That little bit of power could mean a lot to his self esteem.

Plus, he's also hitting puberty, which will naturally change the dynamic between them as well. He'll probably pull away a bit as he matures for his high school friends, so this probably won't be an issue in a year or two.

[lildreamer316]

9. Exactly..

It may be good to give him almost a 'protector' role here, as it is often the case that an intellectual person can be very emotionally vulnerable, or just vulnerable in general. I of course do not know that this is the case, but it may be so.

Best of luck, and congrats...sounds like you are an awesome father!