Need some outside perspective. Having a hard time with this.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

Please don't judge too harshly.

My younger sister who is in her (almost) mid-30s just got engaged to a dude who she's only known since last August. She is well-educated (MBA), owns her own home and has a decent job. The dude who she's engaged to is a few years older, lives out of state, doesn't have a steady job (he plays the drums, occasionally gives lessons and has a few gigs "here and there." He has a degree but didn't enjoy working in the field in which he studied) and came across to my parents, when they met him, as well as some other relatives who met him as "an opportunist."

My parents (as well as my older sister and I) are concerned that he doesn't have a steady job and that they just met, so what's the rush?

The other factor is religious difference (Jewish (us) and Hindu (him)). My hubby isn't Jewish (brought up Catholic but doesn't practice) nor is my older sister's husband (Methodist, but isn't religious). When I got married, we were married by a judge; my older sister was married by a reform rabbi.

My parents told them that if they got engaged, they wouldn't give them a wedding. They do not approve of the union due to 1)he doesn't have a steady job and 2) my mom and dad couldn't handle having a Hindu priest at their daughter's wedding. They said if they do get married, once it was "done," they'd welcome her husband into the family.

They have decided that despite my parents' objections, they are getting married anyway. They are planning a late summer wedding (not in either hometown, but in NC, where one of my cousins lives).

I'm torn. I care about my sister, but don't want to see her get hurt or taken advantage of. What if she loses her job? Who will be able to pay the bills if the dude doesn't have a full-time job? The dude lives in NY and she in a Mid-Atlantic state. She told my parents she isn't selling her house and moving. I think the dude is trying to get a job where she lives.

I'm trying to be open-minded, but I'm having a hard time with this.

Any advice?

[NightWatcher]

1. A drummer? NO!!! but on a serious note...

maybe you can convince her to drag out the engagement to see if he can get a job. Just see if you can talk some patience into her.

[skater314159]

21. I think a delay

... in this case could be good - especially since it sounds like he has to relocate and get a job. Getting married is very stressful - and so is moving and finding employment; it would be better for their physical and mental health if they took those stressful events one at a time, rather than rushing them and heaping them together.

Don't talk to her with the purpose of getting her to "delay" the wedding though... talk to her with the purpose of telling her (gently and lovingly) that you think that THREE major stresses are too much for a single couple for a single year. You might want to tell her that you guys are worried that having these three things might cause a fourth - a breakup.

But this is just my opinion, as I am not your sister or her beloved...

EDIT TO ADD: Sometimes the hardest part about loving someone is letting them make thier own mistakes. This doesn't mean you don't advise your loved ones, you just realise that they have free will - and you are there for them when they need you.

[Tektonik]

2. It's none of you or your parents' business really.

You can give advice to her, but hey if she wants to marry someone whom she loves that's her prerogative, and shame on your parents for not wanting to participate at their daughter's wedding.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

6. I didn't need the "shame on them" part. I love my parents. Try to be

a little more understanding. I am.

It's also their prerogative not to attend a union that they don't approve of. I think it's more to do with the "what's the rush" factor than the fact that he's a different religion.

[Tektonik]

13. Eh, it is their prerogative to not emotionally support their child; however,

I generally don't welcome people who may fear others' cultures. Maybe I am being harsh, but unless the man is hurting your sister, you and your parents' should be open armed.

In case you are still worried about the rushed marriage, you may as well suggest some sort of premarital agreement between the two in case the union does go awry.

Above all if she's happy and not being hurt, that should make you and your family happy; who the hell cares if he's a part time drummer, as long as your sister welcomes that.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

16. I don't think they fear his culture (as Jews, my family (and ancestors)

have experienced discrimination, prejudice, etc.).

I think they are concerned that they don't know each other well enough to decide that after 5 months, they are compatible.

I'd like my sister to be happy; I think if they took their time, my parents might come around.

[Muttocracy]

3. so they haven't lived in the same town yet?

I wouldn't marry someone without that. Why can't he move to her town, they live separately, and if it goes great, they move in together or go right to getting married?

Long-distance relationships can seem a lot more positive and intense than same-town ones (being together is always a special event vs. quarreling over the mundane).

I can see why this seems hasty. Why the rush? Is she anxious about having kids soon and not wanting to wait? (I say that because I know some women hear their clocks ticking once they hit 30)

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

10. My hubby and I dated for seven years, four of which were

long-distance. We got engaged shortly after moving in together; G-d willing, we celebrate 10 years of marriage this May.

Older sister married someone she was friends with in high school. They've been married over 10 years.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

12. I wonder about the "having kids" part.

I haven't even met the guy yet (only talk to him on the phone). They may come to visit in a couple of weeks.

[MichiganVote]

4. Ummm....she's in her "younger 30"s....all grown up or so it seems to me.

You don't have to like it, you don't have to do a doggone thing. She can have her own wedding is she wants and invite who she likes.

Live and let live. It its a bust, its a bust. But, she is an adult now. Let go.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

9. I must say, she's made some shitty choices in men.

One was mentally abusive, cheated on her, etc. That's part of it.

Marriage is a serious commitment. I just think they should take their time. What's the rush?

True, she's an adult and can do whatever she wants. I'm not her mother and wouldn't tell her I think her fiance is an opportunist (nor have my parents said that, by the way).

I don't think it's outrageous to be concerned about the welfare of someone you love.

[MichiganVote]

11. I don't recall saying I thought it outrageous to be concerned SCRUB...

play fair....its not fun to feel powerless but what else can you do?

Its her life, she will live it the way she likes until she wakes up and works out why she likes the bad boys.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

14. You didn't say that, Michigan.

I think she has book smarts but isn't smart when it comes to men (she's had a series of bad relationships...cheaters, mentally abusive, etc.). From what she tells me, this is the first guy who treats her well. I'm happy about that.

I feel a little like I'm having to choose sides (even though it hasn't been put to me like that).

My parents might come around, but saying they're getting married out of state isn't going to help that.

[MichiganVote]

18. Best way out of the middle is to wish them both well, parents and sister.

We all have in-laws we're not crazy about. If he's not mentally defective, addicted, criminal or abusive, that's not doing too bad. And really...a hindu? That's a crime?

You care about your sister but a woman in her 30's is not going to stand for being treated like a 20 year old in a jar by ANY members of her family. If he's not worth much he surely won't be worth a big family break up.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

5. My dear SCRUBDASHRUB!

Your sister is an adult.

I suspect she's in love, and would mightily resent any suggestion that her beloved is an opportunist.

She's your baby sister?

You're feeling very protective, and I suspect she's aware of this.

Show your support, encourage her to talk to you, and stand by to support her however you can...

Just my two cents...

[AlCzervik]

7. Well she's well educated, had a job and house so it sure sounds like she's got her head

on straight. I can understand where your parents are coming from and i totally see how the whole thing might be tough and a little weird for you, now having said that if they do have a wedding you just go and be there for her, thats all you can really do you know? She's adult and she's making an adult decision and she's always going to be your sister so just try and be there for her.

you get no judgement from me at all.

[flvegan]

8. "Late summer" sounds around 6 months away.

Give it 3 or 4 months, then revisit.

[Breeze54]

15. "My hubby isn't Jewish"-- Ah..what does that have to do with the price of fish?

She's an adult!! It's been six months and her clock is ticking.

She sounds like a smart woman, owns a house, has a great job.

My question?

Why doesn't your family trust her judgment?

She doesn't sound like an idiot and maybe he fills a need in her life?

Support her, Embrace them and shut up about it! :P

Christ! You sound like my family when I got married and they did

everything they could to sabotage it.

I've sort of forgiven them but I'll never forget that!

A marriage is doomed to fail without family support, imho.

HER CLOCK IS TICKING... LOUD!!!

Give her your blessing and support. :hug:

She's a big girl now.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

19. My point of saying my husband isn't Jewish is that it's not like

she'd be the first to intermarry (in some families and culture, this is a big deal.). When we got married, we both had steady jobs and incomes. My parents knew my hubby and my older sister's hubby.

They are concerned that she's rushing into this.

I don't know if you read my whole post, but they said they'd welcome him (and of course, would never disown her, like some families do).

I don't know if I can give her my blessing. I think she's rushing into this.

About the whole clock ticking thing? I don't think so. I think it's more to do with her thinking she'll never get married.

You know, I'm almost sorry I posted this; I feel worse than I did before. WTF?

[Breeze54]

28. Rushing into it at age 35?

:rofl:

"About the whole clock ticking thing? I don't think so.
I think it's more to do with her thinking she'll never get married."

That's the whole point of the clock ticking!! :rofl:

Her chances of getting pregnant or of having a mongoloid child are high at age 35 and above.

Her chances of getting pregnant over age 35 aren't that good...(some say). I dispute that.

Her clock is ticking loudly and her eggs are dying.

I think you all worry to much...

Divorce is pretty easy to get these days, if it doesn't work out.

Relax and I'm glad you care so much about your sister! :hug:

Now, go in peace! ;)

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

30. I've been married 10 years and haven't had kids by choice.

Re: divorce is pretty easy to get these days if it doesn't work out. That is sad to me. Like anyone who gets married, you intend for it to be forever. I don't see why waiting a little while longer is such a big deal if it's to be "forever."

I appreciate you recognizing that I do care about my sis.

[Breeze54]

39. Well, most people don't have babies by choice.

If they did, there'd be a lot less babies being born. ;)

Easy access to divorce isn't sad to me.

Back in my day, it was almost impossible!

I was soooo happy to be able to 'get out'!

I didn't mean that they should go in with the idea of an easy out!

Not at all!!

Marriage is a sacred VOW not to be taken lightly

but it's also nice to know that if you're being abused in anyway... that you CAN get out!

I knew from the get go, that you love your sister but I think at her age, your worries

are unfounded, from the info. you supplied.

She sounds like a modern, smart, educated, savvy woman.

You should be proud of her and I know you are!

If she was my sister, I'd support her.

That's all I'm trying to say to you.

Allow her be happy.....

Tell her you approve and embrace their love. :hug:

~~ Peace ~~

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

43. I just meant we didn't get married so we could have babies.

Obviously, people don't need to get married to have them. We just have not had them because we've chosen not to; we're happy just being a couple.

Of course, if your spouse is abusive, I wouldn't recommend someone staying in the marriage.

I want my sister to be happy; I just see a lot of red flags. Marriage is stressful enough as it is; add to that someone who doesn't have a steady income (love is important but it doesn't pay the mortgage and put food on the table) and that just adds to the stress.

I lost my job last year and was unemployed for a while. I consider myself to be indepedent; however, thank G-d, my husband was able to support us while I was looking for work (we didn't have the stress of having a child or children to support, but it was still stressful).

[Breeze54]

47. But look at it in reverse.....

If it was your brother and his fiance' wasn't employed, would you be saying the same things? :shrug:

Do you have a double standard?

A lot of professional women ARE opting for 'house husbands". ;) Its a trend.

She sounds like she earns a good living.

Maybe she likes being 'in control' of the money? ;)

Think about it.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

50. I don't look at her bank account; all I'm saying is if she loses her

job, who is going to help pay the bills if he doesn't work? And yes, I would say the same thing if I had a brother (I only have sisters).

When I lost my job last year, my husband was daytrading (he had income coming in from there as well as an inheritance). As soon as I lost the job, he went back to work a traditional job. It's not all about money; don't get me wrong. It's just that love doesn't put food on the table.

[RadiationTherapy]

49. "mongoloid". What does Mongolia have to do with this? nt

[Midlodemocrat]

64. Sweetie. I know you don't mean it this way, but that word

is very, very offensive to people with Down Syndrome and those who love them.

[Darth_Kitten]

66. That word went out with the Dark Ages........

And yes, you can have babies after 35. :eyes:

[Bennyboy]

17. So what if he doesn't have a steady job?

For some people (myself) that would make life unbearable. There is much more to life than a job.

The question is...does you sister love the guy? Is she happy with him? Is she a woman that does not have to settle for the first person to come along?

That's great about your parents though. Split the newlyweds up right from the get go with something as inane as religion...If it doesn't bother her then it shouldn't bother them. I know if it was me and my parents tried that kind of shit (and they have, I did not talk to my parents for ten years) it would be one long cold day in hell before I ever talked to them again.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

20. I'M SORRY I POSTED THIS.

GOOD BYE.

[Shakespeare]

27. Having supported an asshole who refused to work......

....it's much more than "so what." Between his refusal to work, the alcoholism and drug abuse and the verbal abuse, it was a real fucking picnic. Didn't start out that way, but about six months into the marriage, it was like somebody flipped a switch and he became the husband from hell. He hadn't had the most stable work history when I married him, and that should have been a huge red flag for me. It certainly will be from now on.

The stress he put me through nearly put me in the hospital. I would strongly advise caution to anybody considering marrying someone who can't hold a job.

It's wonderful to be truly in love--I was--but that's not enough to make a marriage work. I hope the OP's sister thinks long and hard before tying herself legally to this guy.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

29. Thank you, Shakespeare. I'm sorry you went through such a

hard time.

I had a college roommate who dated an abuser for years; there was the "honeymoon period," where after he was abusive he was all "I'm so sorry...I'll never do it again." My older sister and I talked her into getting counseling and she finally dumped the guy.

I've heard about women who date the same type of guys over and over. I also have a friend who married a guy who was in this big rush, was all sweet-and-nice and turned out to be abusive.

Knowing my sister has dated some real "losers," I'm overly sensitive I think.

[Shakespeare]

33. Well, I hope she thinks hard about what she'll be getting into.

It's one thing to be financially self-sufficient as she is now, but if she's going to end up supporting a second adult--and it sounds like she is--it's a completely different situation. Marriage is a partnership, and if one half of the marriage doesn't treat it that way, it's doomed. Stress (oh, SO much stress) and resentment will be a daily occurrence for her. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I got out after 2 1/2 years, and I'm still recovering from it financially more than a year and a half later.

In the meantime, however, I've fallen in love with someone (I've known him for years, but it recently turned romantic) who's well-educated, stable, handsome, smart as hell, funny as hell and just about the best thing that's ever happened to me. The contrast between what I had then and what I have now is remarkable. And a big reminder to me (and anyone else) to wait for what you want and deserve, even if you are 35. I'd rather be alone than go back to what I had to endure before.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

36. You sound like how I feel about her situation.

I'm so glad you're in a happy relationship now. That's great!

[Shakespeare]

37. I wish your whole family luck.

She'll do what her heart wants, ultimately--so just be there for her if things go badly.

[Bennyboy]

31. That's a lot of factors there....

That are not mentioned in the OP.

Sorry for you, but....


Anyway, I did not mean to be so harsh to the OP. I am sorry for that. I know you all care about your sis and your parents care for her too. I think you all ought to get together in a non formal situation and get to know each other a little better.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

34. What does OP stand for, btw?

Well, we may get a chance to finally meet this dude next month.

[Bennyboy]

38. Original poster

That might be nice when you meet him. there is a lot of uncertainty if you have never met. then maybe he can explain something other than "I don't want to work". I know some would say that about me too, but that is very far from the truth. I just don't want a job. It just has to be for me.

And again I am sorry I got so harsh, I jut put my difficulties with my family into your problem and I should not have done that.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

44. I appreciate that.

Btw, cool Jerry Garcia logo.

[Kat45]

41. OP means original poster, the person who started the thread.

[Mezzo]

42. You're being a little too hard on her...

Your points about the sister and finding love are certainly valid, but it's her SISTER. Her sister. Her sister. Do you know what that bond is like? Scrubashrub can post that she suspects her sister's fiancee is a fink, but WE can't do that, capice?

Similarly, her concerns are allowed to be a bit "incorrect", because every sister worries about her sister's well being. Like polite company never asks about overly personal things...but your sister...that's your BIDNESS.

And, if what you say is true, and it is real love, her sister pulling her aside to gently tell her she needs to be sure it's not infatuation will have no affect on the outcome anyway.

There is a way to be honest and still gentle scrubashrub. I know you'll find the right words in your heart.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

45. Thanks, Mezzo.

:)

[Mezzo]

58. you're welcome sweetie.

I asked a lot more of my sister's husband, I surely know that. And I was WAY less polite than you're being. (But that's my sister, so if he can't handle a little test from her kid sister, he doesn't deserve a seat at the table).

But I mostly concerned with him loving her, being faithful, not violent. But hey, different strokes and all.

Try to cut the guy a little slack if it appears she loves him a lot. Even if he turns out to be a fink, *you* telling her will be unwelcome, and it could very well create a divide that's around long after he's gone.

Besides, what could you lose? You might find out he's a good drummer, and she gives him some stability. that *might* be a fair trade off if he gives her wings to soar.

There are much more important things than money.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

59. Oh, I know. We're not money grubbers at all (otherwise, I'd be a

Repuke and that will be a cold day in hell before that happens). I'm just concerned that when times get rough (marriages aren't all roses and moonlight) and say, she loses her job, how is he going to help pay the bills?

Yeah, the faithful thing concerns me, too. Apparently before they got together, he tried to put the moves on one of my cousins who is close to my sister. What's up with that?

We'll probably have them over in a couple of weeks so we can meet him (it's gonna happen sooner or later).

[Mezzo]

63. do it sooner, and invite them a LOT

you'll be able to let him know that 'divide and conquer' ain't gonna work with your family.

Then maybe you can feel him out more. But promise yourself, FORCE yourself to give him a chance.

[qb]

22. You can't argue with a person in love.

Let her make her choices and be as supportive as you can. If it turns out badly you can help her through that as well, but she will not want to hear "I told you so".

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

23. Thank you.

I appreciate it.

You know, this is a difficult issue. I've had some of you give sound, calming advice while others have fucking insulted my parents and me. We are not freepers, racists or close-minded fucks. Some of you have made me feel like a real shit.

I'm trying to come to terms that my sister, who I said is old enough to make her own decisions, is rushing into a marriage to someone she hardly knows. If I weren't concerned, then I think I'd be a cold bitch.

Enough said. I'm sorry I posted this thread to begin with.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

24. I'm sorry that you're upset with how things have gone...

In your thread...

You can always alert on it, and ask the Moderators to lock it.

There's no shame in that.

:hug:

[qb]

25. I wish you and your family all the best.

:hug:

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

26. Thanks.

:)

[Madrone]

32. What I would do...

Talk to her about it. Tell her you are uncomfortable with it and why. Lay out ALL of your concerns, and ask her all the questions you have. At the end of the discussion if you still disapprove (which sounds likely) tell her again that you don't think it's a good idea, that you're worried about it and her, and that your advice is to not get married, at least not right away.

Then - NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN.

I feel that it is not only my right but my DUTY to tell those I care about how I feel when something in their life gives me strong feelings about it. But ultimately, the decision is THEIRS, and while I may shake my head at their decisions I still love them. And lord knows I've made some of my own doozies. Anyway - having the discussion once (unless they come to you later and ASK for more of your opinions) lets them know exactly where you stand, how you feel, and why. They will not forget what you said - even if they choose to go in another direction. They still remember, and you don't have to keep beating them over the head with it. THAT's how bad feelings are bred - not by being honest about your feelings initially, but by never letting it go.

And if/when things don't work out - you give her a hug, hold her while she cries, and tell her you're sorry she had to go through the suffering. She'll still remember you warned her from the beginning.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

35. That's what my parents did when they first met him and when they

came over to tell them they had gotten engaged. They asked a lot of questions and expressed their concerns (how would you bring kids up, if you choose to have them?). I mean, I'm not her mother and I don't want to lose a relationship with her, but I may have to have that discussion.

[Madrone]

40. Well - a lot will depend on HOW you have the discussion.

I mean - two different people can say essentially the same things but they can be completely different. Sounds like your parents were doing the 20 questions bit - and no one likes that. Don't throw her on the defensive, and for the love of god, DON'T have the conversation with the both of them, as it sounds like your parents did. Don't make her feel like she has to defend him - no one listens or understands when they're being defensive.

You have to at least remain open to the idea that he could very well be everything wonderful in the world, even though you're skeptical. Who cares how they will raise their children! Don't go that far - that will not accomplish anything productive.

Just tell her you care about her, you don't want to see her be hurt or taken advantage of, and while you're willing to give the guy a chance you are a little skeptical of his motives and/or her getting locked into a marriage only to find out TOO LATE that there are issues she never saw coming. Tell her that you'd feel better about it if they at least waited to do the final marriage thing, and got to know each other a little better first, but that while you don't think it's a good idea - the decision is ultimately hers, she's your sister and you love her, and you will always be there to support her. Period.

[emilyg]

46. She's an adult.

Let her make her own decisions.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

51. I couldn't stand by and not say anything (she and I had an email

exchange last night and today). I realize it's her life. If she makes a mistake, she's going to have to deal with it. I didn't feel right just standing by.

[Generic Brad]

48. Live you own life, let her live hers

What is a mistake to you could be the best thing that ever happened to her. I urge you not to judge.

When I married my wife I was a grad student with a part time job. Her family did not think I was worth a damned thing. And my family had serious reservations about her because she is a foreign national. Even our friends at the time tried to dissuade each of us.

Now it's about 25 years later and I'm still with my wife, but our friends have drifted out of our lives and our families have turned their backs on us because we would not bow to their wishes.

If you want to keep a good relationship with your sister, support her choice. She's the one who will be living with him, not you.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

52. I hear ya. Look, I'm keeping the door open. I want her to be happy,

and maybe it will work out.

You were a grad student and had a p/t job. That is something; I'm sorry her family didn't see that as having a plan on your part.

She will always be my sister and she knows I love her; I just see a lot of red flags here and for me not to express my feelings would not be right, in my opinion.

[NMDemDist2]

53. I"m sorry you're upset but I think it's a MYOB kind of thing here

who says the man has to be the breadwinner??

he may make a wonderful Dad, a considerate lover and a perfect companion.

I know society judges people by 'what you do' but perhaps your sis has found the perfect guy for her.

If not, and it ends badly, you can love her still and help her pick up the pieces OR you could have a wonderful man in your family that will parent your nieces/nephews and make you sister a happy woman.

but at this point unless you have some concrete evidence he's a user/abuser I think I'd just wish them all the best and dance at the wedding

[ScreamingMeemie]

54. It makes me sad to think that your parents won't attend.

I am sitting on the other side of happy marriage. The only thing I cling to is that I have no regrets about my life with the most wonderful man on earth. There were some who were not happy about our marriage at first, but the ones who were invited attended.

If it were me, I would suck it in, go to the wedding (after trying to talk my parents into attending) and be there for her. No matter what happens. She is your sister and it is obvious that you love her. Let it go at that. If she falls...be there to help her back up again.

Best wishes to your sister...and to you

[Karenina]

55. All good things to you and your family, Scrubdashrub!

:hug: Just thinking out loud, your sister probably already feels under siege and that her family is not giving her beau a chance. Feeling pushed into that corner, even if she herself sees red flags she may forge ahead, damn the torpedoes. In your shoes I would be COMPLETELY supportive of her decision. You refer to her fiance as "the dude." Is there any way you could spend some face time with them BOTH that you can get to know him? Maybe they could come for a visit? In any case, in your shoes I would be completely non-judgemental and let her know you support her 100% in her ability to make decisions for herself. If I, a complete stranger can feel what a great and loving sister you are, SHE certainly also knows that.

[Corgigal]

56. What I did with my daughter

Now she's not like your sister, but was only 18 at the time and she fallen so in love with Rob. Let me just tell you Rob concerned me more then not working and just being a drummer. Of course, he was just a few years older but he had issues in his past that worried me.

What I did, and forced my husband to deal with is that I kept my daughter close. Told her that he seems like a nice guy and that if he works hard enough his past histories will clear up. We took them on dates, with my hubby and I to movies and dinners. I always allowed her to talk to me about this guy and I learned to shut the hell up. Months later, she found out that he was cheating on her and she was crushed. I held her and told her that she learned something out of this and the pain will go away in time.

My relationship with my daughter is still sound and my husband didn't go to jail. It's hard to do but if you need any support feel free to PM me. Your sisters relationship with you is too important but you can choose how you handle this "news" Good luck regardless.

[applegrove]

57. Sounds like a tough situation. Is your sister particularly naive? Cause

people like that can attract the worst kind on person. She should wait it out and not marry till your family accepts him. And that means to wait until he has steady work and proves himself. Marriage is so hard. But your sister should know how desperately sad life can be if you attract a user.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

60. Applegrove, I hear you.

You know, my sister seems a bit naive, but I think it's more like she's not mature (age doesn't necessarily equal maturity). She sent me an email and she sounded really pissed and defiant about my parents expressing their opinions and not giving her a wedding. They said they'd accept him into the family after the fact, but can't in good conscious witness the wedding.

I know you didn't say this but to say MYOB when someone you love looks like they're getting ready to make a possibly big mistake is a bit unrealistic and callous.

I think my hubby and I are going to have my sister and her fiance over in a couple of weeks. I am trying to keep an open mind. We'll see what happens. I'm not going to give him the third degree.

[applegrove]

65. What does MYOB mean? Sorry I need clarification.

[Karenina]

68. Mind your own business.

A famous acronym from Dear Abby.

[applegrove]

70. Thanks. I hope it works out okay for your sister.

[Karenina]

71. MY sister is dying from cancer

but I appreciate your good wishes. Like Scrubdashrub, I've had to learn how to pick my battles.

[applegrove]

73. Sorry. I thought you were the OP. Sending vibes to your sister.

[tigereye]

61. people are adults and should make their own decisions...

I think sometimes people can rise to the occasion - the guy might change his attitudes about employment, you never know....

[Midlodemocrat]

62. Aw, sweetie. I'm sorry you are going through this.

I can only imagine how hard it must be to watch your sister make what you think is a big mistake. I don't really have any advice, though. Just a hug. :hug:

[dembotoz]

67. her life, her decision.

all you can do is be there and support her.
Wish them luck and help them if you can.
I was involved with someone that other people looked down on.
I took their advise and moved on.
Years have come
Years have gone
There are times that I still regret not having the guts to stay in that relationship.
Because when i was in this relationship, i was something i really haven't been since.
I was happy.
There is a chance that your sister is much brighter that I was.
I wish them and you luck.

[UncleSepp]

69. Maybe he's a luxury she can afford

This must be very hard for you, and for your family. Maybe this is another way to look at it.

She's doing just fine under her own steam economically, but how about emotionally? If he brings something into her life that makes it better, then he's doing all he needs to do and he is all he needs to be. If she loses her job now as a single person, there's nobody else to pay her bills and also nobody else to share that with. If she loses her job with him for a husband, she's got a husband to go through the hard times with, maybe even someone who can teach her about how to get by without a steady income. She might not know that now, after having been successful for so long.

You love your sister and don't want to see her get hurt by this guy. You don't want to see her get hurt by your family, either. The minimization of risk here says for her to marry the guy. If he hurts her, he can go away and not be her husband any more. She can meet another fellow who can be her husband. If the family hurts her (by not supporting her in her choice), they can't not be her family any more. She can't go meet another family one day, and really, you wouldn't want her to.

As for the religion part of it - She can practice or not, be religious or not, believe or not. So can he. She'll still be a Jew, and her children with him if there are any, they can make their choices as children or as adults to practice or not, be religious or not, believe or not. They'll also still be Jews. If the new family decides not to practice or believe, all of them will always have the option to decide to return - just like everyone else does, every day. Of course it would be easier to make the choice to raise Jewish children if both parents are Jewish, but to make the choice when it is not easy requires a stronger desire and a much more conscious choice. And if the family is Jewish and Hindu? Imagine the discussions that could be had about how to reconcile the unity of monotheism with the many-faceted nature of Hinduism! Imagine the thought that could happen, the questions that will be asked! Imagine the richness of the experience. (Imagine trying to fit an elephant under a chuppah).

For the practicality of it, well, there's something pagans with Christian families do often enough that it's practically a tradition. Three weddings happen. There's a legal wedding at the courthouse, a pagan wedding with friends, and a Christian wedding with family. They could do the same - a civil wedding, a Jewish wedding, and a Hindu wedding. The answer doesn't have to be "either - or". Sometimes, the answer is "and".

[NashVegas]

72. Be Happy For Her, Be Ecstatic

And make sure they sign a pre-nup protecting her assets.