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Be as honest as possible, considering age/maturity level of kids involved. Be as calm as possible. Be aware that you are NOT gonna be parent of the year while you are in pain, and get some emotional support if at all possible.
Kids kept in the dark will almost always internalize problems and find ways to blame themselves. Try to head that off by frank (not blunt, but frank) discussions. There are lots of books to help with kids at various age. Read up. Nothing does as much for your own sadness as taking steps to get better. Knowledge and perspective are key to your well being and your kids'. Get yourself educated.
Check around for peer support groups. They can be lifesavers, I kid you not! Meeting/talking with people at different places in the process gives one hope that things will get better and may held avoid pitfalls and self defeating, repetitious behaviors as you face the task of letting go of what was and sorting out what you want what will be to be like. It may often seem like you have no power, no voice, no choice. This will eventually pass if you take steps to get perspective. Peer groups can offer a good way to gain that needed perspective. Others can be a light in the tunnel. Utilize community resources in this area.
Besides often feeling like they are to blame, kids will often feel freakish and ashamed. If they are young and don't realized how many kids have dealt with divorce, this is really tough.
It's hard to convey the kinds of numbers we are talking about to young kids. I hit upon a method that seemed to work. Went to a dry cleaners where I knew the people and asked if I could borrow their supply of safety pins for one night, would have them back first thing in the morning. They liked my plan and agreed.
First night of a new 9 week session, when all the participants were strangers and nervous, I had the task of putting the kids at ease, well, as much as possible. I talked about how weird I felt when my folks got divorced. Then I presented the current numbers of kids who were going to be affected by their parents divorce. The bigger kids gasped. The little ones, well, numbers that large have no meaning.
I had a BIG, plain, clear punch bowl and all those boxes of safety pens. Many gross of pins. I opened box after box, pouring the pins into the big bowl, explaining that each pin was a kid whose parents were going to be divorced. After the fourth, fifth, sixth big box of pins, the kids started to understand they were not freaks and there were lots of other kids feeling the same things they felt. It always got the sessions off to a good start. It normalized what was, for everyone on the first week, the feeling of being so very different from everyone else. If there were others, there was hope things would get less scary as time went by.
Honesty, perspective, as much calm and continuing to be a family (just in a re-arranged form) all help. Peer support is huge. And NEVER, EVER bad mouth the other parent or try to use the kids as a weapon to hurt the other.
Find some place/ some one your kids can talk to. Some adult who can be a grown up friend, but not emotionally embroiled in the divorce will be a great help for kids. They need someone they can ask all the questions they are afraid will hurt an already injured parent.
And don't kid yourself, they know when we are injured. They want us better and they know they can't fix things, but many will try anyway. Do not let them get into the habit of thinking your happiness is their job.
And here is a promise: Today is NOT what forever feels like.
I remember my dad, crying, when Mom left to file papers. Never knew dads could cry. Asked him what was wrong. He sobbed, "I am afraid I will lose you". I was nine and it scared me to death. Lose me? Was I to be hauled off? Was I being tossed out? Somebody explaining that I would still be the daughter and mom and dad would still be the parents, just not living together anymore would have been a huge help. And if I had known so many other kids had divorced parents, it would have helped too.
Be as honest as you can but do it with the child's perspective in mind. Let them know they are still yours and you still love them and will take care of them. Then, do just that.
Write down my promise to you and put it where you will see it often: Today is NOT what forever feels like.
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