Forgiveness

[TZ]

Okay bear with me for a few minutes. I just need to get a few things off my chest (and if you've seen my pictures than you know that's quite a bit:P )
Anyway, for the last 7-8 months I've been having quite a bit of stress and fighting with my family, so much so that for a long time now, I've cut off contact with many relatives for my own mental health.
But lately, I've realized that I have to do something. I saw a neighbors adorable two year old who reminds me of my adorable 4 year old niece. Despite the fact that she lives only 30 miles from me, I've only seen her twice since Thanksgiving.
Its a long story but the short version is my sister had an affair with a guy whom the family all knew was a not so nice person, and my BIL was willfully blind to the situation and in fact in some ways enabled the bad behavior. Then when my mother/stepfather was unwilling to get involved on my sister's side in their marital dispute (we all believe her to be in the wrong) my sister basically told them she would never bring her daughter over to my mother's house again. My other (younger) sister has tried to organize a family get together but my mother is refusing to be in the same room with my older sister. In fact, she's been written out of the will. I am my mother's executor (if something happens to my stepfather) with explicit instructions to keep my older sister away from the house (my mother is changing the locks).
I want to forgive my sister/BIL. But I can't. She doesn't seem to understand how her behavior is driving everyone away (even after the guy she had an affair with was proved to have embezzled money from them she STILL was singing his praises). Yet I miss my niece terribly. THe problem is she has hurt my mother terribly (whom I am very close to) and I can't seem to get past it.
I also have had a few restless nights trying to figure out what to do. I thought about just calling her, but its made me so uncomfortable that I had nightmares all last night about having screaming matches with my sister.
Oh and it didn't help that I find an e-mail in my inbox from both sister and BIL wanting me to HELP them with some on line survey with their business, but neither of them even has the courtesy to call and talk to me. I don't LIKE being used!!
My family...I can't live with them and I can't live without them. Sorry but I'm just so angry and conflicted that I had to vent.
Thanks for listening

[Deep13]

1. I don't know that forgiveness without a resolution of the problem is either possible or desirable.

I wouldn't try to hold myself to an impossible standard.

[qb]

2. It's sad that you and your niece don't get to see each other.

I don't know about forgiveness, but I would let others fight their own battles. :hug:

[TK421]

3. This is terrible, but it sounds like any changes here can only be made

by your sister. I know what this is like, since I've had to play referee many times between both sides involved ( it's not pretty ) I hope the situation improves. Don't lose sleep over this...there really is nothing you can do about it, and it seems like you have tried. :thumbsup:

[youthere]

4. Forgiveness is something you do for your own sake...

not for the sake of the other person. True forgiveness is when you decide that you will no longer allow yourself to be upset or angered by someone else's actions because allowing that to happen is unhealthy for YOU. In other words...letting GO. The other person may or may not change their behavior, and the other person may or may not ever show remorse for, or even acknowledge what they've done...but when you forgive...it doesn't matter.You don't invest anymore negative energy into the situation and you no longer harbor anger, guilt or sadness-only acceptance that the person simply is the way they are. You will never be able to change your sister's behavior...but you can change how you react to it.It's shameful that she is using her daughter to "punish" the family, and it's horrible to see the people you love hurting from this behavior.
There's nothing wrong with letting your sister know how you feel about her actions, she may accept it, or she may not..but if you need to do it so that you can move on...you should.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this turtlensue. I have a sister who behaves very similar and it's tough wanting to step in a fix everything...but knowing deep inside you can't.
I hope you and your family can find some peace in this mess.

:hug:

[Westegg]

7. You said it better than I could. I agree.

[redqueen]

10. deleted

*sigh*

[applegrove]

5. So sorry for your grief. Sounds like a tough one.

[skater314159]

6. Chaplain's advise...

I am sorry that you and your family are experiencing this fuct-ness. Healing and forgiving vibes to all of you. I understand your need to vent... feel free to do so - keeping all this inside will only make you upset or ill.

Some initial thoughts on this:

- Spend time with your niece whenever you can. She needs your love and support most of anyone in this situation - she is a kid, and it sounds like her home-life is rather rocky. Kids need affirmation, love and acceptance... and she mightn't be getting that from her mother (sounds like step-dad/married-to-bio-mom could though). Be a female role model for her. Even if it's just on holidays - it WILL make a difference.

- Affirm your niece's identity, personhood, and express regularly that you are glad she is here. Too often, children are punished, labeled, and put down because of the actions of their parents. As a child born of an affair, she might become a scape-goat or object of ridicule. This can be particularly hard on kids, who all too easily take the blame for things that just aren't their fault. Whenever you talk to her - whether in person, on the phone, via email - whatever - let her know she is loved and that she is a very special person.

- Support your parents. It's hard for them to see the daughter they raised acting this way. Not getting to spend time with their grand-daughter is also sad and stressful for them. It sounds like your parents are very aware of their age and mortality - this also likely adds to their stress... they understand what this sort of behaviour by your sister could mean, and they also understand that they don't have all the time in the world. They want to spend what time they have being happy with family. Be there for them during this difficult time.

- Forgive yourself. You are pissed at your sister... which is understandable. She hasn't been acting in a way that is loving or respectful to her family, she doesn't really show love or respect to her own child, she has upset you and your parents, and to top it all, she doesn't even acknowledge or take responsiblity for her behaviours. Feeling this way doesn't make you a bad person. Experience the emotions, and then let them go. If you try to tell yourself what you should be thinking or feeling, it will only take longer for you to heal and move on - which you must do before you can forgive.

- Try to understand your sister's side of things. This won't be easy... you don't have to excuse, condone or approve of her actions, but try to see where she is coming from. This way, you can at least try to asses where things might be headed in her future... also you might be able to commuicate more effectively with your sister if you can understand where she is coming from.

A book that I think might be helpful for you, your BIL, and your parents is the book Emotional Blackmail: when the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you by Susan Forward. ISBN: 978-0-06-092897-1

Peace and Be Well!
skater pi

PS - As I said, feel free to vent at any time! :loveya:

EDIT: fixed tags and stuff

[TZ]

8. Oh god.

My mother just told me she considers my sister "no longer her daughter".....:-(

[Parche]

9. Damn, I feel your pain

Almost the same thing with me
new
BIL/ is a right wing constipated conservative repube
I hadn't seen my nephews for a few years, after i had ever since they were born

:hug:
:hug:
:hi: