DU Parents: When did you give your kids "the talk" (sex)?

[Taverner]

My kids, 5 and 2, already know what external sexual organs are called. I plan on teaching them as soon as they can understand. I'm hoping I won't go too clinical on them, but I want them to understand all of the biology upfront.

When did you give your kids the talk?

[IndianaJones]

1. daughters : 18 and 20. Son: 5. nt.

[av8rdave]

2. I don't think we ever had "the" talk. There were many of them over the years

where different aspects would be introduced/discussed depending on their age & maturity. I truly hope they knew what they needed to know when they needed to know it (wow, did that sound like a congressional hearing response or what?). I think they did.

I did have a very specific talk with each of them before they went off to college, but by then it was more advice than education.

[av8rdave]

5. As an aside, my parents never had the "talk" with me

I remember at my first wedding reception, when I was 23 years old, my dad, in jest, finally said, "well, I suppose it's time we had that talk."

I looked at him and said, "Sure, Dad. What would you like to know?"

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. It should be done constantly, with more knowledge each year they grow older.

The full monty should be given about age 12, though the girls will, of course, likely need an earlier mini-lesson when they begin menstruation.

By the end of age 12, they should know the full medical terminology for the sexual devices of both genders, understand how sex works, understand how pregnancy happens and baby development, know about birth control, and know a good portion of the slang terminology.

[Taverner]

4. Not earlier?

Don't you think kids might understand it around 10? I did.

[Rabrrrrrr]

6. Certainly, if they're mature enough and ready for it.

The earlier the better - ASSUMING they're emotionally ready for it.

But by age 12, they all need to know it.

[GreenPartyVoter]

7. My oldest is 10 and we haven't had the talk yet. Occasionally he asks questions but we

have never really gotten to the explanation about penetration and how babies are actually made. I try by asking him if he wants to know, but he just says TMI and I back off.

[Ava]

8. i never got "the" talk

quite frankly i don't get the whole "give your kid 'the' talk" thing. especially the "if you have sex you'll get pregnant and die" version. :rofl:
instead it is just an open topic for discussion, and i think that is the best way for it to be.

[skygazer]

9. When I was pregnant with my son

My daughters were 6 and 7. They already knew the names of body parts, that boys and girls had different ones, that dogs had puppies and cats had kittens and people had babies.

When I found out I was pregnant, I explained that I was, that the baby was growing in a special place in my belly and that he would come out of me in 9 months. I even talked about how he would come out.

Then one night, when I was exhausted and we were driving home from the 4th of July firewords extravaganza, stuck in traffic, one of them asked -

"Hey, mom - how did the baby get IN your belly?" :P

That was a fun ride. :rofl:

[LeftyMom]

10. six weeks. I figured I might as well get it over with.

LK (6) knows the names of sex organs for humans and a couple of other species.

[MorningGlow]

11. Already introduced "who you can allow to touch you" stuff

and "which are your private areas" when MG Jr. was around 3. His preschool teacher is going to do a series of lessons about the same thing, starting in a couple of weeks. (He's 4 now.) You can opt your kid out of it if you want; I haven't heard if anybody is going to pull their kid out yet.

Of course, my crazy fundie-Catholic Repub Rush-lovin' aunt is having FITS about it. She delivered a delicious rant the other day--something like "Oh sure, they start with this, and before you know they're going to be teaching him the birds and the bees and how to do it..."
:rofl: :crazy:

[Reverend_Smitty]

12. I'm not a parent but...

I'd say that the sex dialog was a running theme through out my whole childhood. I can't remember a specific moment where they sat me down for "the talk" it was more of a "teachable moment" type of thing. If I had a question, it would be answered in an age appropriate manner. It was never a taboo subject in my house. I think it turned me into a level headed adult.

Although I am surprised how informed or mis-informed as the case may be, my younger cousins are. They are 11 and 12 and I've overheard them say some "interesting" things

[Rosie1223]

13. They will ask questions, just answer them openly.

When their eyes start to glaze over, you're getting to the TMI point. Be sure to include the emotional aspects along with the biology. I've lately had several lenghty discussions with my 17yo daughter about the negative aspects of teen casual sex.

[Ellen Forradalom]

14. I don't think there's "one talk."

I add bits and pieces to my son's knowledge according to his interest and comfort level.

[Midlodemocrat]

15. When they first began asking questions.

About 8 or 9. My kids are the eldest ones in the family, so when the other aunts and uncles started having babies, they were curious. The older two also knew that their baby sister came from me because they were 5 and three when she was born.

[Not_Giving_Up]

16. My kids are 12 and 14

I answer questions as they come. They've both seen movies at school on the basics, but they have no problem asking me questions. When my oldest was six, he told me he knew how the cat got pregnant, then proceeded to tell me what he knew. That pretty much opened the door for me. It's an ongoing discussion.

[Connonym]

17. I agree that it's a lifetime series of talks

I think, like you, it's important to know the proper terminology for all the exterior anatomy, ESPECIALLY for girls where it seems like everything gets categorized together as "vagina" which irks me so much. My daughters are 11 and 14 and mostly I try to incorporate talks into life as casually as possible. Watching TV and movies together is a great intro for a lot of conversations with your kids about all kinds of stuff; sex, drugs, violence, discrimination, sexism, etc. I think in a lot of ways kids are more receptive about it when you don't sit down face to face and give a lecture. A casual conversation watching TV "what do you think about what that character just did?" or "what do you think would be the right thing to do if that happened to you?" and go from there. It gives you an opportunity to define your values and compare and contrast them to how life is portrayed.

Of course there's also stuff that you want to be very sure your kids understand and you need to have an actual face to face about it. When my daughter went on birth control pills for menstrual problems I wasn't coy, I told her that being on the pill didn't mean that she could start having sex. That she still needed to use a condom if she did become sexual but that I felt she was still too young, etc.

Another thing I did, and I think this was really helpful, I bought several books aimed at tweens and teens regarding sexual development (read in advance to make sure you agree with the way the books describe things). I gave them to the girls and told them that if there was anything they felt funny about asking me they could look in the book but that there was no question that they couldn't come to me with. I think so far this multi-pronged approach has worked really well. But do be prepared that your behavior and your kids knowledge will freak other people out. When your small child comments aloud "My vulva itches" or asks (in front of the extended family including your mother!!!) "Mommy do you have orgasms?" don't be shocked :)

[Taverner]

23. Yes many mistake the vulva for the vagina

It's much more complicated and beautiful than that.

[Connonym]

24. it's so dismissive to lump it all together collectively

we would never dream of calling a boy's penis his "bottom" and we certainly don't tell them that their balls are their penis. It's disrespectful to women to dismiss our anatomy that way. It's also potentially dangerous if a woman doesn't know the proper terminology how the hell will they be able to communicate medical issues to their doctor? All it does is perpetuates shame and ignorance.

[Taverner]

25. Yes, and I think both men and women should know each other's equipment

Know it, learn it, love it

[DarkTirade]

18. Depends which talk you're talking about. :P

My parents let us know how reproduction worked when my mom got pregnant with my little sister. I would have been 9 at the time. However as far as the 'don't go sleep with everything in sight, and if you do, use protection' speech didn't come until a week before I left for college. And my mom was stuttering and stammering the whole way through. I tried not to laugh because, although it was awkard and amusing, it was rather difficult for her to get through. :P

[Inchworm]

19. Never did an official "talk"

My daughter understood that stuff as well as she knew not to cook when grown-ups werent around. It's just part of what I made sure she was aware of.

:hi:

[Arugula Latte]

20. My son was about nine when my husband gave him some basic info.

A little later, we also gave him the book "It's So Amazing" and told him he could look at it any time and let us know if he has any questions.

In a week or two his class is going to start sex ed. (5th grade; ten- and eleven-year olds).

On edit, we also answered our kids questions when they were pretty little, but I'm not sure how much of that they retained at the time.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

21. As a baby boomer my parents told me NOTHING.

All the other baby boomers I know said their parents told them nothing.
They showed us a movie about menstruation in the 4th grade that really didn't tell us much either. It sure as hell didn't explain anything about males.

My daughter went to a Montessori school and they brought in educators from Planned Parenthood in the fourth grade to explain everything to them.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

22. A little at a time with my youngest...

and a great book by Marc Brown, of Arthur fame, called "What's the Big Secret?" Not long after we read this book for the first time, we were in the frozen food aisle at the grocery store when he said, out of the blue, "So...The testicles produce sperm?" We got a few looks. :rofl:

I've always been careful to teach not too much more than what my boys wanted to know at the moment. I recall being 4 or 5, and asking my mom where babies came from. Instead of just saying "Mommy's tummy" or something simple, she freaked out and dug in the basement until she found anatomical charts. She then proceeded to lecture me; but I was totally lost in my own little world, and didn't listen. A couple of years later, I asked her to explain about sex; and she said I already told you about that! I guess it was her Calvinist upbringing. :-(

My younger stepson decided to tell my older boy all about sex when he was not ready for much of the info. And the way my son heard it, the description was more like rape. Fortunately, my son told me what had been said, or at least how he interpreted it. So I was able to re-explain it to him without the violent overtones.

[BarenakedLady]

26. I think my 10 year old knows more than me.

:blush:

Ok, not really. I've always been open with the kids (10, 8, 6). LOL....10 year old just read this over my shoulder and walked away quickly. I tell them they can ask me any questions and I've always used correct names for their sexual organs (no woo woo, or pee pee here. ;) )

[FedUpWithIt All]

38. funny about your daughter reading over your shoulder...

my 10 yr old did while i was responding. I asked her around what age she was. She shrugged and replied, "I dunno, around 5. Don't think i really understood too much of it back then though." She then kissed me on the cheek and went to collect her webkinz to head off to bed.


Fun age 10.

[JoePhilly]

27. Its not ONE TALK ... its a life time discussion.

Now having said that ... I had a scary experience during which I saw the 5 year old daughter of a friend, that was still breast feeding (ewwwwwww), use the word vulva a few minutes later (while I was changing my baby daughter in the same room) ...

I suffered from gender awareness and genitalia terminology whiplash for a week.

[mainegreen]

28. I still haven't ever talked about it with my mom and I'm married with a kid now!

She was just to embarrassed by it!

:rofl:

[youthere]

29. We've never had "the talk" but we talk all the time...

Soon as they were old enough to ask questions about "What's that?" it started. Mine are 8 10 and 13 and they are better informed than some adults. We always had them call their parts by the correct name too.
My dad was extremely religious and we "just didn't talk about those things". My sisters and I were not allowed to go to movies because "Girls could get pregnant". In fact, on my wedding day my mother tried to tell me "what to expect"-LOL!

[riderinthestorm]

30. I've got breeding livestock so my kids have actually seen the deed

from their earliest years. It is an open, ongoing discussion - whenever they have questions it's brought up. They spend a lot of time being fascinated by semen (which usually arrives shipped in coolers from out of state as we do a lot of AI breeding) for a few years when their scatalogical craziness is at it's peak but by addressing everything calmly, matter of factly, and without drama, the whole issue loses tension.

In our school district, they give kids basic sex ed in 3rd grade (8 year olds), and explicit info about sex in 5th grade (10 year olds). And this is a fundie school district so if you are looking for some kind of "official" date, you could use your school's curriculum as a general guide.

But for me and mine, obviously I think keeping it a "big secret" that warrants a "big talk" isn't realistic nor healthy.

A tip on getting teens to smile for a picture: as they are posing uncomfortably in their prom outfits waiting for the parents to finish snapping their pictures so they can leave for the par-tay, you holler "Use condoms!" Forget about "say cheese". Trust me on this. Just holler, "use condoms" and everyone will laugh and you will get a great picture AND be able to impart some wisdom at a critical moment....

[MissMillie]

31. not all at once

it started off slowly w/ the where do babies come from, and I was careful not to confuse him w/ too much information at once

he asked about babies when he ws 6

I think we talked more thoroughly when he was 10 0r 11

and then even more so at 14

[grannylib]

32. We never had "the talk;" it was a series of talks, age appropriate,

as questions arose or subjects came up or it seemed a good time...
Better than what I got *lol* My mom is convinced she was SO open and upfront with me, and told me EVERYTHING...she bought a $.25 pamphlet from somewhere, which was so 50s it didn't even mention the WORD sex, let alone proper terms for anatomy, etc...it was all euphemism and coyness and was totally bewildering, and she left it on my nightstand one day when I was at school and never ever ever mentioned it again.

[Boudica the Lyoness]

33. Before they can walk

We live on a farm so when the bull is putting it some old cow you have to explain whats going on..then it's easy to talk all about humans doing it and stuff.

[OmahaBlueDog]

34. I'm the father of 2 daughters

... and with my oldest, I'm the only parent whose been in sight when questions like "What is Kotex?" have come up.

Edit: Not that my wife has been unwilling, she's just never happens to be around when this stuff comes up.

[mondo joe]

35. They got it in bits and pieces as they asked about it. There was never one talk. NT

[LynzM]

36. I'm so glad to see so many reasoned responses on this thread.

Our daughter is only 5, so we haven't talked about much beyond basic anatomy at this point. But I very much agree that it ought to be an ongoing and open discussion that doesn't imply shame around the subject.

[FedUpWithIt All]

37. My three daughters were at the birth of their new brother.

This was the second birth my oldest daughter attended. She was 5 when she saw her sister being born. Most of the very basics of reproduction had been discussed before that. Since then it has been continual discussions over the years with the general dynamics being explained at around 5. Much of the subject is very matter of fact now and only comes up when a question is being asked. My girls are 9, 10 and 15.