I was asked this question "How does anybody 14 know they're gay?"

[Connonym]

My 14 year old daughter has a couple of friends her age who are gay. I was talking to a friend about it (because I think it's pretty cool that kids are comfortable enough to be out in high school) and friend said "How does anybody 14 know they're gay?" I said I figured that a lot of people know they're gay even at a younger age. But I'm hetero so I don't feel qualified to answer this question. I thought I'd bring it to the Lounge for opinions/personal experience. How old were you when you realized you were gay?

**of note, I intend this as a serious question with no intention of hurting any feelings or trying to alienate anyone, I'm genuinely curious.

[Heidi]

1. The same way anybody 14 knows they're straight.

That's what I believe, and it's what I'd say if I were asked.

(I'm not gay, but I knew I was straight when I was about four or five.)

:hi: Connonym!

[ghostsofgiants]

6. That'd be my immediate reaction, too.

When I was 14 I knew I was into girls and not into guys. Can't figure out why it would be any different for gay people.

[Rabrrrrrr]

9. Absolutely! If the jackasses are willing to believe that kids know they are straight,

then they must also be willing to believe that kids know they're gay.

the hateful, bigoted, and prejudiced, however, like to have everything both ways.

[DS1]

23. It hasn't occured to them that their precious little special snowflakes have thought about

titties or dicks.

[mondo joe]

16. I think some people still associate being gay with having sex rather than having a feeling.

They think you can't be gay until you've had gay sex.

[soleft]

31. Gay here. Like this answer a lot

I SHOULD have known I was gay at 14. I could have known actually as early as 5. But was not in an environment where it was safe to acknowledge the truth.

[Mojambo]

2. I think it's probably exactly the same way a heterosexual person knows they're heterosexual. n/t

[Connonym]

3. That's kind of my theory

that it's just something that you've always known and there isn't one particular moment in time when you say "Oh, I just now realized I'm hetero"

[Frank Cannon]

4. I've tripped up more than a few gay-bashers with this theory

I simply get them to openly state, in front of witnesses, that sexuality is a moral choice, which they apparently believe. Then I ask them how old they were when they made that choice, and the identity of the person to whom they were homosexually attracted just before they "decided" to be straight. Since if they weren't ever homosexually attracted to someone, they never really made the choice, did they?

Awkward pauses, stammering, and general hilarity ensue.

[semillama]

12. very good!

I'll have to remember that one, but fortunately, I have never had that sort of conversation with anyone. I'm lucky enough to have most of my social interactions with enlightened folks.

[Frank Cannon]

17. You'll get your chance to use it one day

Makes for a great party trick!

[unpossibles]

26. sadly, the "smarter" ones will just say that God has always meant for them to be straight or some

other hogwash and avoid the answer.

I've found that cluelessness is a near-perfect defense for rapier wit.

[Frank Cannon]

29. I've never had anyone try that dodge on me

But that's pretty easy to poke holes in.

You're right, though, that these people tend to run towards towering ignorance as a defense.

[Orsino]

5. The person who asks this question...

...probably doesn't really want an answer.

[Fleshdancer]

7. because humans are sexual beings

Before most people reach the age of 14, they've already masturbated, fantasized, experienced a crush or "puppy love", have probably engaged in various acts of sexual curiosity with friends (ie: show me yours and I'll show you mine), and have searched and/or found sexual content such as soft porn on Cinemax.

How could a 14 yr old not know what their sexual orientation is? After all, it's not like you have to have sex to know, you just have to be honest with yourself about what attracts you. What I find odd is how quickly we adults forget about the discovery of our own sexuality.

[coffeenap]

10. I find it odd as well. As a parent of a 14 year old, I am amazed

when I talk to other parents that they aren't aware of their kids' sexuality. On the one hand they expect a certain level of maturity, on the other they still think of them as undeveloped children. I honestly don't understand how they could have forgotten what it felt like to be that age. Everything is new and intense, and fascinating! If they could tune in to that I think they would bridge the gap in their ever-distancing relationship with their kids. JMHO.

[BarenakedLady]

8. I had a boyfriend by 14.

And had sex at 15. I knew I was heterosexual way before then. I'm sure it is the same for most everyone regardless of sexual orientation. :shrug: Why would it be any different?

[mondo joe]

11. I knew well before I was 14 because guys would make me feel all oogie.

I didn't even know what sex was, but I knew some guys gave me that feeling and girls didn't at all.

[youthere]

19. LOL...Oogie.

[xchrom]

13. lol -- i always knew.

and while part of that amuses me now -- imagine how weird it is for a child.

said child knows they are different from their parents -- an extraordinary thing if you think about that.
a strange kind of distancing between the child and the parent that the parent isn't even aware of often -- except in some
very sophisticated households -- or in some sitiuations that aren't so pleasant that i can think of.

i did have a therapist who claimed he didn't know until very late in life -- which i always had a hard time understanding -- because he was very sophisticated not for any other reason.

any way -- my inner Self knew this was normal for me -- though it did set up some very uncomfortable inner conflicts between my rational desires and my authentic inner life.
an anxiety of influence.

[Rhythm]

14. Anyone who could ask that question with a straight face doesn't remember being 14...

I'll first preface this by stating that i'm bisexual, but lean more toward lesbian. Kinsey would have put me somewhere around a 4.5 on his 0-6 hetero/homo scale.

I remember distinctly having my first 'crushes' on other girls before i was 12 (around 1978), and even coming across some of my older brother's porn stash and thinking that at least some of the girls in there were hot. I developed a few crushes on guys at school too, but that usually had more to do with their intellect or creativity (always strong attractors for me) than their looks in general.

By high school, i casually dated people of either sex, and didn't care what people thought or said. My friends were surprisingly cool about it, even my straight female friends, whom i had been worried might think i was planning to hit on them or something.

I was married for almost 12 years, and have a daughter who just turned 19...

Oktoberain and i will be celebrating our 9th anniversary this summer, and OktoberKid's 8th birthday is coming up in a couple of months.

I'm happier now than i have ever been, and in retrospect, i wish i had the courage back then to acknowledge that i do indeed prefer the intimate company of my own gender, and hadn't spent over a decade in a not-ever-really-happy marriage, despite the fact that it might mean that my daughter wouldn't exist. I think i would have experienced a lot more joy over my lifetime.

I'm thrilled to see that younger kids are realizing who they are, and affirming it, younger. I think they'll be a lot emotionally healthy for it.

[mondo joe]

15. Ask your friend at what age he or she had their first little crush or first sexual inkling.

[youthere]

18. Everyone I know that is gay say ...

they've always known, or knew from a very young age that they were gay. Why WOULDN'T a 14 year old realize know they're gay? I mean..that's puberty age, and if the opposite sex isn't appealing to you I'd think that would be a big tip-off. Does she wonder how straight 14 year olds know they are straight?

[skypilot]

20. I found out I was gay from reading "Jaws"

I was ten years old. I came across the word "lesbian" in the novel Jaws. I had no idea what a lesbian was so I looked it up in the dictionary which informed me that a lesbian was a female homosexual. I had no idea what a homosexual was so I looked that up. The rest is history.

[qb]

21. You could say I was bisexual

at age 5. Not really "sexual" per se, but I remember the pleasure of looking through Playboy mags at the Ben Franklin and the men's underwear ads in the Sears catalog.

[distantearlywarning]

22. Well, I knew I was straight by the time I was 9 or 10.

I had crushes on little boys, and not on little girls. I even remember having some very mild sexual feelings towards boys at that age, even though they weren't fully formed and I didn't recognize them as sexual at that time.

By 14, I knew exactly what it was I was feeling.

So I have no trouble believing at all that someone would know they were gay by age 14.

And what about the infamous Romeo and Juliet? They were merely 14...

People always underestimate the sexuality of children, probably because they are in denial about it.

[Sentath]

24. Looking back? 7 or 8

Anyone willing to see would have known this about me around then.

I was in full and active denial from around 14 or 15 to 23?

[terrya]

25. Hell, I knew I was attracted to boys in junior high.

I didn't have a word that I could use to describe myself. This was 1970...and in the central Illinois town of Decatur, where I was born and raised, such words as "gay" or "homosexual" were never used.

That doesn't surprise me one bit about your daughter's friends. Good for them. It's absolutely possible that kids know they're gay at that age.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

27. just as one knows they are straight but with probably far more certainty because its much harder to

accept that you are now out of the 'norm'

[Orrex]

28. I've known many people who already knew that they were gay in early childhood

For that matter, I recall that, in preschool, I liked Nicole in a way that was fundamentally different from the way I liked Brian.

The notion that people can only realize that they're gay at some particular age is a myth, and I believe it descends from the myth that children are sexually neutral.

[SOteric]

30. I was attracted to boys even before I knew about sex.

I think it's more about with whom we feel a romantic attraction. Even at a more tender age, I couldn't help smiling at Lorenzo Alvraquez until my face hurt and I got chills when he borrowed my pencil. By the time I was 14 my heart was all aflutter about various boys, so I could easily tell I was hetero.

I imagine it's no different if one is gay except that the things that make your heart go all twittery are done by persons of your same gender, no matter your age.

[hedgehog]

32. Speaking as a straight mom hear with a gay daughter and 5 straight

children, I'd say people know very early, but that it's only recently that the knowledge about various forms of sexuality have become widespread enough for youngsters to be able to articulate what they know. That's why books like Heather has two Mommies and King and King are so important. They don't make kids gay, but they offer a model to let gay kids know what's going on and that it's OK. I wish I'd known then what I know now.